Editor’s note: The following was written by a Lovefraud reader whom we’ll call “Ruby.” She wants to share her story because she is finding it hard to move on with her life. She lives in Europe and English is not her first language.
When we got engage he come across really nice and kind person. Before i decided to get engage I have told him that I want this relationship based on honesty and truth and he said yeh I want the same. He come across as mummy little baby boy, which was not a problem for me, since I believe that person who love and respect his mother will do respect and care for me as well. He used to often say to me that after I get married to him, I will be the happiest woman on earth/universe. He never used to talk about any intimacy, which seems weird to me, normally what I know is guys do talk about all these things. When I asked him about he said well my ex was abusive and that is why i am scare of it.
Whenever I want to go out with him after my engagement he always have excuse busy at work. Well I ask him why you not call me every day and he said that we keep every thing to discuss after marriage. We have whole life to talk about things. i thought, yeh he is right.
Wedding and honeymoon
In March 2010 we got married. I wanted a big wedding so I spend most of the money even that time. He arrange a nice car and hotel booking for the wedding night. I was so please I felt I met the man of my dream. On the wedding night no intimacy happen and it made me worried and I ask him why nothing happen. He said my ex was abusive and start crying…
After a week he book honeymoon in Dubai where he was really good with me and gradually things happen between us. Well even in Dubai he did not want to buy anything for me and my family. I gave him money then he took me for shopping. Strange enough, he don’t really have interest to buy me lingerie, which was again shock for me, since as young newly wed man he should be buying all the sexy stuff for me. But nope.
It was a nice trip. We came back around six weeks. We had normal relationship, then one day he told me that he is going away because of his job. Where he didn’t tell me. Well he came back from trip after 10 days, he was a different person. When I ask him why you seem so tense, he told that nothing, it’s work loads. I was trying to make him feel better with all my love, so is my family. Every time I ask him why you depress he mention that my dad has died, that’s why.
Massive debt
A few months after our marriage, he ask my brother to lend him some money, which my brother refused. Then in October 2010, he request me to borrow some money for him from bank since his ex left him in debt. I did, since I can’t see him in trouble. After the loan he was good with me till January 2011.
Mid January he again feel depress. I asked him what happen, he mention nothing. I thought poor him, never been loved by family, so i gave him more love and attention. Since he told me that his family never loved him nor his siblings, so naturally I felt for him. I took him for counseling, which he stopped after few sessions. I felt that he is down, so I took him for holidays in Morocco for a week. There he was fine but has used my credit card for shopping and hotel expenses, saying I’ll pay back.
After a week I find out he is in massive debt. It was a shock for me again I help him to go through all again. A few months he was fine. He buy me new clothes. I forgot to mention we don’t really have normal intimate relationship, may be once a month. For this I have ask him to get treated. He even tried Viagra. Since I want kids, I was going to have IVF done but he refused.
The new guy
Then come January 2012. New year eve he was fine and happy. 2nd week of January I came to visit my family for a week. When i went back, I realise he is very much involved with some homosexual guy, who is very good looking with job, money and car. He started spending all this time with him. When I asked him if you are involved with him, he just said I am disgusting since I think cheap. He is just friend and I like spending time with him.
Things move on. I still thought, poor him he is depress. Was spending my time, money, emotions everything to make him better. On the other hand, I notice he started wearing the same clothes his gay friend wear, same haircut, same food, same cigarettes. My ex never smoke, thus everything he start doing what his gay friend do.
I was confused. What the hell is this all about I told his family. And reply I get from them was he is still baby going through stress, depression and so on…
August 2012 I had enough so came to see my family. He dropped at my parents, promising he will come and spend time with me, but he never came. Just made excuses for month that he is busy at work. Right after he send his mother away as well and brought his gay friend in our house to start living with him. And straight after that, he text me saying that “I am gay and being with you make me depressed and unhappy so don’t come back”.
I was in shock since. I asked him to meet me once but he never come. I waited for a month and one day. I went to our house because my stuff was still with him. There he was with his gay friend or maybe his boy friend. He didn’t open the door for me. In fact he knew I got the keys so he changed the lock, change alarm system so I cant get in. So he left me on street that day. Few days before he told his mother don’t came back because I don’t want you in my life.
He won’t pay
When I ask him to pay the money, he said to the lawyer that he will pay the money once I signed divorce paper. Which I know he will not, since he hasn’t pay any money since past few months. Also he hasn’t pay any maintenance, which a man have to pay to wife in our culture if he left me.
Now what I heard is he is enjoying his life with his friend. Only he have around him is this guy who believe that my ex is his best friend. He don’t want to be contacted by his own family at all.
I am shocked that he didn’t have no guilt whatsoever. Also I should mention he has taken money from his mother, friend, my parents and God knows who else ”¦ list is endless. Also he often used to bring expensive things at home and said my boss gave this to me. Also he always like to use most expensive things even though he don’t have money.
Yes I know he is a sociopath, and he used me against his mother since his mother was his victim for years. And he wanted to seal his relationship with his mother. Of course he used his gay mate against me to seal relationship with me. I know it doesn’t bother them what they really are. They can be gay, transexual or straight. Well let’s see who will be his next prey against his friend.
Ruby, ErinBrock is spot-on. You cannot control how the spath is going to react, respond, behave, or choose. The only thing that you have control over is yourself and your own choices, decisions, and actions.
Of course, it’s affecting you and your career! Why wouldn’t it? But, knowing what he is might help you to accept that there will be no easy, painless, or comfortable process to divorce this slime-bucket.
Have you considered counseling therapy to help you cope with all of this? Recovering from a sociopath is not something that ANY human being is prepared to do, alone. And, reaching out to people who don’t “get it” ends up being a huge disappointment – they cannot begin to comprehend our experiences. So, reaching out to a strong counseling therapist that “gets it” is probably the only way that I even got my feet onto my own Healing Path.
I’m sorry that you’re experiencing such a terrible aftermath, Ruby. It’s part and parcel of what spaths do: create as much chaos and damage as they can, and they do not care whom they hurt, or how hurt that person might be.
(((Hugs))) and brightest blessings
ErinBrock AND Hopeforjoy!!! Excellent to “see” you both!!!!!!
Hi Guys!!! Things are great here. I took my first Vacation since spath……and went to visit a gf in Hawaii for a few weeks. It was lovely! Tons of beach time and alone time and great food. Had a blast and it reminded me of what living is…….
I hope you are all well and moving along in the journey back to living also! IT does take time……LOT’S of time.
But normality eventually prevails if we work hard enough.
XXOO to you all.
EB
Ruby,
This will affect every aspect of your life. It’s up to you to manage the emotional side and mitigate damages.
What you ‘let in’ and what you don’t.
It’ll be like walking on a tightrope for the next few years.
You will find a way to cope that is best for you.
Don’t expect anything different than chaos from him. And don’t allow him to know your weak points. He’ll surely use all of them!!!
Shake it up and show no emotions towards him.
He is not practical, fair or rational……so don’t expect that.
XXOO
EB
Truthy, disagree, they DO care who they hurt and how much, they want to hurt YOU A LOT!
hi, i know it will take time, but some time I cant control my self and dont really understand what to do with my life. I have trying my best to keep my self busy and use my energy for positive things rather than thinking about him. well about counselling I am lucky enough that I have mentors/coach who always helping me to grow.
I just dont get one answer what is the connection between my expath and his gay mate.. when I start thinking i drives me mad and I end up crying because I dont get the answer.
but yeh there are momenst when I am how Dare he. with all this happening in my life I am still doing a great job of bringing smile on other people face, I listen to them and encourage them and make them happy.
blessing to all x
Oops, duplicate.
Hi Ruby,
If that guy is gay or he is a sociopath then the plain and simple answer to your question is very likely to be sex or money. Tha actual details don’t matter because he revealed to you the most important thing you could have learned: what he is capable of doing to an innocent person.
As usual there are a lot of reponses with helpful ideas here for you today. All of them. Also if you read other people’s stories you will see how common this guy’s pattern of specific behaviors is among fraudulent partners and how common your specific feelings and reactions to it are among victims. That kind of discovery is strangely a helpful experience for people when they come here. Part of it is realizing they are not alone, and part of it is getting some answers – not from the gorilla that tore up your couch but about the fact that couch destruction often happens with gorillas, statistically, and here are the various theories of why and what scientists know so far about gorillas.
Or… black holes!
And probably all of us here agree with “how dare he?” What he did was shockingly wrong. But one thing you will see from reading here is HOW LONG some of these frauds wait to show their real selves or how long they can succeed in carrying of their abuse or con. Hopefully you can get some comfort from the thought of how little of your time this guy wasted. The money is angering, but remember it is a finite amount, and hopefully the lawyer can recover something.
If your coach does not have a background in psychology or domestic abuse, please consider getting additional counseling specifically for your emotional health. I know you are entrepreneurial and business oriented. There are a lot of differing ideas in business. Some “experts” will say that in negotiating you must strive for a win-win situation and mutual respect etc. Others will state that win-win goals don’t ressult in success… my concern is that depending on what kind of coach you have, you could be getting guidance that is either not ideal for how to deal with a sociopath like your ex, or, separately, who is not giving you the best help with your mental and emotional health.
I am so glad you are sharing updates. You are one of the reasons I occasionally check in here.
Oh, and about black holes, don’t forget that when they pull you in, they stretch you in different directions and rip you to pieces and into chaos x nothing makes sense inside them, not Newton’s laws of physics, not time, and I thing they can even rip single atoms apart. All reasons to stay far away and expect nothing good or reasonable from them or from investigating anything about them up close!
You keep devoting your energy to positive things. You are on the right track. 🙂
Raggedy….that black hole analogy is incredible!! Thanks!!
Oh and thank you. I think I am sometimes good with analogies! Sometimes they are met with hostility, or my ideas in general are, it’s often simply that my notions on something are too new to the person in question. Related flags come up often with that. 15 years on the internet I’ve picked up on some widespread patterns.
Also I like science. Gorillas, blackholes, brains…