Editor’s note: The following was written by a Lovefraud reader whom we’ll call “Ruby.” She wants to share her story because she is finding it hard to move on with her life. She lives in Europe and English is not her first language.
When we got engage he come across really nice and kind person. Before i decided to get engage I have told him that I want this relationship based on honesty and truth and he said yeh I want the same. He come across as mummy little baby boy, which was not a problem for me, since I believe that person who love and respect his mother will do respect and care for me as well. He used to often say to me that after I get married to him, I will be the happiest woman on earth/universe. He never used to talk about any intimacy, which seems weird to me, normally what I know is guys do talk about all these things. When I asked him about he said well my ex was abusive and that is why i am scare of it.
Whenever I want to go out with him after my engagement he always have excuse busy at work. Well I ask him why you not call me every day and he said that we keep every thing to discuss after marriage. We have whole life to talk about things. i thought, yeh he is right.
Wedding and honeymoon
In March 2010 we got married. I wanted a big wedding so I spend most of the money even that time. He arrange a nice car and hotel booking for the wedding night. I was so please I felt I met the man of my dream. On the wedding night no intimacy happen and it made me worried and I ask him why nothing happen. He said my ex was abusive and start crying…
After a week he book honeymoon in Dubai where he was really good with me and gradually things happen between us. Well even in Dubai he did not want to buy anything for me and my family. I gave him money then he took me for shopping. Strange enough, he don’t really have interest to buy me lingerie, which was again shock for me, since as young newly wed man he should be buying all the sexy stuff for me. But nope.
It was a nice trip. We came back around six weeks. We had normal relationship, then one day he told me that he is going away because of his job. Where he didn’t tell me. Well he came back from trip after 10 days, he was a different person. When I ask him why you seem so tense, he told that nothing, it’s work loads. I was trying to make him feel better with all my love, so is my family. Every time I ask him why you depress he mention that my dad has died, that’s why.
Massive debt
A few months after our marriage, he ask my brother to lend him some money, which my brother refused. Then in October 2010, he request me to borrow some money for him from bank since his ex left him in debt. I did, since I can’t see him in trouble. After the loan he was good with me till January 2011.
Mid January he again feel depress. I asked him what happen, he mention nothing. I thought poor him, never been loved by family, so i gave him more love and attention. Since he told me that his family never loved him nor his siblings, so naturally I felt for him. I took him for counseling, which he stopped after few sessions. I felt that he is down, so I took him for holidays in Morocco for a week. There he was fine but has used my credit card for shopping and hotel expenses, saying I’ll pay back.
After a week I find out he is in massive debt. It was a shock for me again I help him to go through all again. A few months he was fine. He buy me new clothes. I forgot to mention we don’t really have normal intimate relationship, may be once a month. For this I have ask him to get treated. He even tried Viagra. Since I want kids, I was going to have IVF done but he refused.
The new guy
Then come January 2012. New year eve he was fine and happy. 2nd week of January I came to visit my family for a week. When i went back, I realise he is very much involved with some homosexual guy, who is very good looking with job, money and car. He started spending all this time with him. When I asked him if you are involved with him, he just said I am disgusting since I think cheap. He is just friend and I like spending time with him.
Things move on. I still thought, poor him he is depress. Was spending my time, money, emotions everything to make him better. On the other hand, I notice he started wearing the same clothes his gay friend wear, same haircut, same food, same cigarettes. My ex never smoke, thus everything he start doing what his gay friend do.
I was confused. What the hell is this all about I told his family. And reply I get from them was he is still baby going through stress, depression and so on…
August 2012 I had enough so came to see my family. He dropped at my parents, promising he will come and spend time with me, but he never came. Just made excuses for month that he is busy at work. Right after he send his mother away as well and brought his gay friend in our house to start living with him. And straight after that, he text me saying that “I am gay and being with you make me depressed and unhappy so don’t come back”.
I was in shock since. I asked him to meet me once but he never come. I waited for a month and one day. I went to our house because my stuff was still with him. There he was with his gay friend or maybe his boy friend. He didn’t open the door for me. In fact he knew I got the keys so he changed the lock, change alarm system so I cant get in. So he left me on street that day. Few days before he told his mother don’t came back because I don’t want you in my life.
He won’t pay
When I ask him to pay the money, he said to the lawyer that he will pay the money once I signed divorce paper. Which I know he will not, since he hasn’t pay any money since past few months. Also he hasn’t pay any maintenance, which a man have to pay to wife in our culture if he left me.
Now what I heard is he is enjoying his life with his friend. Only he have around him is this guy who believe that my ex is his best friend. He don’t want to be contacted by his own family at all.
I am shocked that he didn’t have no guilt whatsoever. Also I should mention he has taken money from his mother, friend, my parents and God knows who else ”¦ list is endless. Also he often used to bring expensive things at home and said my boss gave this to me. Also he always like to use most expensive things even though he don’t have money.
Yes I know he is a sociopath, and he used me against his mother since his mother was his victim for years. And he wanted to seal his relationship with his mother. Of course he used his gay mate against me to seal relationship with me. I know it doesn’t bother them what they really are. They can be gay, transexual or straight. Well let’s see who will be his next prey against his friend.
Hi, Bluejay
it seems ur experience was far more worst than me can feel the pain in ur comments. sorry to know about it hope you getting better now 🙂
Dear Ruby,
Congratulations on finding lovefraud. Your journey to healing has just gotten a huge helping hand. It was mentioned that you will read things and think, wow, that is my sociopath and it will help you because you don’t feel so alone or so crazy.
My story is sort of similar, although my exsp was not in a homosexual relationship (although I have heard from one of his victims that he was experimenting with it). I met a wonderful and charming man who swallowed me sexually, financially and emotionally. I was previously married to a narcissist so the attention I received was magical.
I too demanded a relationship based on honesty and most of all, NO CHEATING. I was reassured that I was the only one and will be the only one. I was completely snowed until one day, I was checking out the history on my computer and saw that he had logged in to Adult Friend Finder. We had a huge fight about it and he was able to convince me that he had “friends” on there from when he was single and they were good people and he didn’t want to lose contact with them. I bought it, hook, line and sinker. We always had a sexually charged relationship and since that seemed to be ok, I didn’t feel the need to press it.
Fast forward 2 years later, he started to press me to join him in swinger activities. He said all of his other old girlfriends enjoyed the lifestyle and joined in with him (mind you he said all his ex’s were insane) and it was just “high Christian morals” that was stopping me from enjoying the “good life”. There was a lot of crazy-making in this time. He stopped having sex with me and blamed it on me (I gained too much weight, I was harassing him about his kids, I was too unhappy etc). If there was any sex, it was very brutal and impersonal. I finally gathered the courage to leave. In the year that I have been healing, I have since learned that he was active on Adult Friend Finder the whole time we were together, meeting people when he was out of town for “work” and various other times. I’m still reeling from the betrayal. I have also learned that he is very active in my city’s swinger club. He had this secret life all the time we were together and I totally missed it.
After it was all said and done, his mother blamed me and said that things would have worked for us if I would have dropped my questioning about the Adult Friend Finder. She also said that she understood why he turned to that because I wasn’t the same person I was when he met me. Her last insult was to tell me that I allowed the relationship to bottom out because I let him watch pornography (he was a porn addict..couldn’t go a day without watching it)
I don’t want to go into the emotional and financial losses that I suffered, but I’m sure all the people on here know and get it.
I have been out of the relationship for 1 year and followed the “no contact” rule for the last 6 months.
Ruby, it will take a long time to heal. You will never understand why he did it to you. I don’t think any of us understand. Work on picking yourself up and loving yourself. The most important thing is to learn to listen to your inner voice. If it tells you something doesn’t feel right, listen to it. I also have learned that there is a “cost” to everything. I owe a stack of money to pay off his debts (I’m also paying for kitchen and bathroom renovations in a house that I no longer live in). I have to tell myself every day to let it go.
Good luck in your journey Ruby. This site is wonderful and so are the people on it. They understand. They will never tell you to get over it or try to convince you that your exsp is really a nice guy, but misunderstood. Peace and love to your broken heart.
Saskgirl:
thanks for you support and sorry to know your side of story, yeh some where in your story I its my story, specially the money matter, his mother blaming you and most important about him blaming you. my exspath was same when my family ask him why you not have any relationship with your wife he reply that well she ask too much. but deep down he knows I am just asking whats my right as his wife. what make me very upset is that he dumped me on street and I was on street in cold/ rainy weather. evil…
Slimone, you’re spot-on about their predatory nature with regard to orientation. My belief is that they mirror whatever gets them what they want. And, MONEY is a very strong desire for most spaths.
Ruby, you’re going to be fine, in due time. The further you move away from your horrific experiences, the stronger and wiser you will be. You’re recovering, Ruby, and it’s not a pleasant journey, but it will become far easier to manage and the results will be incredible the further you move down your own Healing Path.
Brightest blessings
Saskgirl, your experiences resonate with mine. The “swingers” activities are particularly triggering, but these are things that I am learning to manage and I am SO glad that you got out.
The exspath’s mother was heavily involved in the exspath’s psyche, as well – in a very, very unhealthy way. And, what she may think of me is pointless. I no longer care what ANYone thinks about me because I don’t need their approval or acceptance.
Thank you for sharing your experiences. It’s a great help to my recovery to read your insight.
Brightest blessings
Saskgirl, your above post is very very rational and reasonable….you sound like you are on the road to healing. Congratulations on 6 months of NC and glad you are away from him AND his mother, sounds like that apple did not fall far from the maternal tree.
Ruby, the parents thing is almost the usual. My ex’s father stalled me with crocodile tears and offered pity stories about his son — some legitimate — and later did an about face. He was in a way more spathy than the ex.
There is nothing about you that makes you deserving of what was done to you. The money you are paying is the cost of having a diseased and contagious beast kept away from you.
There is a US TV show called real housewives of New Jersey. I have seen one episode, probably the most famous/infamous one. Most of the people are related, and there is a big sister matriarch type figure. There were all kinds of semi-staged conflicts and also one drama having to do with one family member saying her sister in law was wrong in something she did or was doing to an “outsider” character. She caught grief from other family members. In the one-on-one interviews the matriarch kept talking about “we believe in family” “family stick together” “we believe in family” family family family. I saw a writeup later, I think it was in Gawker, a hipsterish gossippy blog, completely excoriating this woman for her moral bankruptcy. It was satisfying to see.
I think my ex is now with someone who knows some of those grotesque people in that show, is of similar background.
Anyway, you have learned to be careful about mammas boys and “family family family”. The mothers of momma’s boys are often a living hell for their daughters in law, even when there aren’t official spaths involved.
If this guy involved you in a game, you have already won. You HAD money, and probably will have much more again eventually. You had status, social connection, and still do. You say he used you for status, but he has destroyed his status as an actual human being among those who know the truth of what he did. What he did was no more status-enhancing than an honor-killing is honor-enhancing, if one means real honor.
But you have these things still, if temporarily a little weakened, even socially. You have a brother who resisted this guy. YOU have real family, or probably a better one than this guy does. You can interact with them without talking about any of this and it may help you, even if it’s just politeness on a holiday. Hopefully some or all are loving and healthy. YOU can go through the rituals of being normal and civilized with all people and become stronger and stronger. YOU even have what it takes to do that without family.
Hi, Ragged Ann:
it seems that you have lived my life or probably you have great knowledge about all this, thanks for your kind words and must say massive support. you words made me feel so good. I realise every word you write is so much true. what ever you mention a friend of mine said the same things about my situation. thanks a ton x
Ruby, I’m grateful that you’re feeling validated and supported after your horrific experiences.
Recovery comes…….it really, truly does. It comes in different ways for each survivor, and recovery has no schedule or timetable. But, it DOES happen and, a year from today, you will be able to look back down your Healing Path and see just how far you’ve moved forward and away from the spath.
You’re going to be just fine, Ruby. You WANT to recover, and that’s the catalyst that creates healing changes.
Brightest blessings
Ox Drover & Truthspeak
Thank you for your kind words. I am recovering & I think I’m a lot further along in my recovery due to lovefraud. I’m doing well for most days, but there are still days when I become totally undone. To me, there are way too many of these days.
Truthspeak, the brush with the swinger life has left me totally tainted about sex. I didn’t bow to his pressure, but one of his victims did & she says it was such a violation… Almost akin to rape. I just turned 40 & should be enjoying a healthy sex life. Instead, I shy away from it and want to shower in bleach.
The interesting thing about my ex’s mother. She was married to a man for 20 years. Midway into their marriage, she “found out” that her husband had posted pics of her on adult friend finder & she got involved in swinging also. For years. She said the betrayal was terrible, yet she totally tried to browbeat me for not accepting what her son did to me. Sad part comes from the fact that my ex sp knew his mom was involved in that lifestyle, his sister also. The apple doesn’t fall too far indeed…