Editor’s note: The following was written by a Lovefraud reader whom we’ll call “Ruby.” She wants to share her story because she is finding it hard to move on with her life. She lives in Europe and English is not her first language.
When we got engage he come across really nice and kind person. Before i decided to get engage I have told him that I want this relationship based on honesty and truth and he said yeh I want the same. He come across as mummy little baby boy, which was not a problem for me, since I believe that person who love and respect his mother will do respect and care for me as well. He used to often say to me that after I get married to him, I will be the happiest woman on earth/universe. He never used to talk about any intimacy, which seems weird to me, normally what I know is guys do talk about all these things. When I asked him about he said well my ex was abusive and that is why i am scare of it.
Whenever I want to go out with him after my engagement he always have excuse busy at work. Well I ask him why you not call me every day and he said that we keep every thing to discuss after marriage. We have whole life to talk about things. i thought, yeh he is right.
Wedding and honeymoon
In March 2010 we got married. I wanted a big wedding so I spend most of the money even that time. He arrange a nice car and hotel booking for the wedding night. I was so please I felt I met the man of my dream. On the wedding night no intimacy happen and it made me worried and I ask him why nothing happen. He said my ex was abusive and start crying…
After a week he book honeymoon in Dubai where he was really good with me and gradually things happen between us. Well even in Dubai he did not want to buy anything for me and my family. I gave him money then he took me for shopping. Strange enough, he don’t really have interest to buy me lingerie, which was again shock for me, since as young newly wed man he should be buying all the sexy stuff for me. But nope.
It was a nice trip. We came back around six weeks. We had normal relationship, then one day he told me that he is going away because of his job. Where he didn’t tell me. Well he came back from trip after 10 days, he was a different person. When I ask him why you seem so tense, he told that nothing, it’s work loads. I was trying to make him feel better with all my love, so is my family. Every time I ask him why you depress he mention that my dad has died, that’s why.
Massive debt
A few months after our marriage, he ask my brother to lend him some money, which my brother refused. Then in October 2010, he request me to borrow some money for him from bank since his ex left him in debt. I did, since I can’t see him in trouble. After the loan he was good with me till January 2011.
Mid January he again feel depress. I asked him what happen, he mention nothing. I thought poor him, never been loved by family, so i gave him more love and attention. Since he told me that his family never loved him nor his siblings, so naturally I felt for him. I took him for counseling, which he stopped after few sessions. I felt that he is down, so I took him for holidays in Morocco for a week. There he was fine but has used my credit card for shopping and hotel expenses, saying I’ll pay back.
After a week I find out he is in massive debt. It was a shock for me again I help him to go through all again. A few months he was fine. He buy me new clothes. I forgot to mention we don’t really have normal intimate relationship, may be once a month. For this I have ask him to get treated. He even tried Viagra. Since I want kids, I was going to have IVF done but he refused.
The new guy
Then come January 2012. New year eve he was fine and happy. 2nd week of January I came to visit my family for a week. When i went back, I realise he is very much involved with some homosexual guy, who is very good looking with job, money and car. He started spending all this time with him. When I asked him if you are involved with him, he just said I am disgusting since I think cheap. He is just friend and I like spending time with him.
Things move on. I still thought, poor him he is depress. Was spending my time, money, emotions everything to make him better. On the other hand, I notice he started wearing the same clothes his gay friend wear, same haircut, same food, same cigarettes. My ex never smoke, thus everything he start doing what his gay friend do.
I was confused. What the hell is this all about I told his family. And reply I get from them was he is still baby going through stress, depression and so on…
August 2012 I had enough so came to see my family. He dropped at my parents, promising he will come and spend time with me, but he never came. Just made excuses for month that he is busy at work. Right after he send his mother away as well and brought his gay friend in our house to start living with him. And straight after that, he text me saying that “I am gay and being with you make me depressed and unhappy so don’t come back”.
I was in shock since. I asked him to meet me once but he never come. I waited for a month and one day. I went to our house because my stuff was still with him. There he was with his gay friend or maybe his boy friend. He didn’t open the door for me. In fact he knew I got the keys so he changed the lock, change alarm system so I cant get in. So he left me on street that day. Few days before he told his mother don’t came back because I don’t want you in my life.
He won’t pay
When I ask him to pay the money, he said to the lawyer that he will pay the money once I signed divorce paper. Which I know he will not, since he hasn’t pay any money since past few months. Also he hasn’t pay any maintenance, which a man have to pay to wife in our culture if he left me.
Now what I heard is he is enjoying his life with his friend. Only he have around him is this guy who believe that my ex is his best friend. He don’t want to be contacted by his own family at all.
I am shocked that he didn’t have no guilt whatsoever. Also I should mention he has taken money from his mother, friend, my parents and God knows who else ”¦ list is endless. Also he often used to bring expensive things at home and said my boss gave this to me. Also he always like to use most expensive things even though he don’t have money.
Yes I know he is a sociopath, and he used me against his mother since his mother was his victim for years. And he wanted to seal his relationship with his mother. Of course he used his gay mate against me to seal relationship with me. I know it doesn’t bother them what they really are. They can be gay, transexual or straight. Well let’s see who will be his next prey against his friend.
i just find out my expath has started some new business and this guy is helping him in every way. this guy seems really crazy about him. this is upsetting cz of all he did 🙁
Ruby, “conttact” doesn’t just mean seeing him or talking to him, but it also means learniing about him or what he is doing. UNLESS you HAVE TO HAVE CONTACT WITH HIM because a court orders it because of kids or other reason, NO CONTACT means you do not talk about him to others, or allow them to tell you whhat he is doing.
As you can see, this “back door” contact has UPSET YOU, and it will continue to do so as long as you allow it. ONLY YOU CAN STOP CONTACT OF ANY KIND…and then the upsets will stop as well. (((hugs)))
Ruby, I do NOT want to come of as sounding harsh. How did you find out about this? Why is it important to you? What good has this information done for you other than to hurt you, even more?
“No Contact” means none, on any level. Finding out about what “he’s doing” will only open that wound and pour salt into it. Even allowing well-meaning people to “tell you” what he’s doing is STILL contact and STILL hurtful.
I’m so sorry that you’re upset. This is what happened to me a while back when I chose to view the exspath’s FB profile. It only hurt ME – not him.
Brightest blessings
EDIT ADD: I posted over OxD – different words, same message. Contact means finding out ANYthing that he might (or, might not) be doing by any means.
Ruby,
it isn’t a business, it’s a con. Even if they have actual “success” in the “business”, you can be sure he will cheat or defraud someone. It’s what they do. Clearly, he defrauded you in a marriage, so why would he not defraud in business.
ALL spaths like to cheat. Even the “less spathy” ones that seem to follow the rules most of the time, will cheat if given the opportunity. That’s because, at heart, they are cheaters and liars.
I agree with Oxy and Truthy, that you are better off not having any “backdoor contact” because all you will see and hear, are more lies. But because you are a normal human being, you assume that these lies are the truth. There IS NO TRUTH IN A SPATH. NONE. That’s why they are a spath. Do not expose yourself to any more lies, it is toxic to you.
Saskgirl:
Ewwww. EEEwwwww. mommy and sister also doing the swinger thing? ewwwww.
and horrified to admit this is also a me too moment.
not the swinger thing, that i know of. but that my X!husband and his mother were “close”.
One holiday, I walked into the room to see them talking, and the body language, the intimacy, the way they were to each other, was so sexual, so loverlike, that I got the chilling creeps. All the other family members in the room thought it no big deal. Then my daughter walked into the room behind me and said “mom! look at dad, wtf is happening!” And I knew then that I wasn’t imagining, that the creep factor was glaring to those outside the “nest”. (creep factor gets worse/more incestuous but no point in writing about it)
Sorry. So sorry. Focus your healing on what REAL love is and I think we can get beyond the creep factor.
Oh God. My abuser and his creepy mother. One time he informed me “my mother has had two great loves in her life, R******(her second husband who she ran off with when abuser was small child, after his father tried to force her into “échangisme” ie swinging)..and ME”. Even in lovebombing phase abuser was very penny pinching; lots of talk of buying me this and that and whatever it was never materialised. However he enjoyed buying presents for his mother including perfume, and would nap on her late husband’s bed in her bedroom after she had fixed him lunch. He also tried to get me to engage in phone sex when he was in his mother’s bedroom and she was in the next room. I need brain bleach.
TeaLight, it’s amazing at the correlation between the disordered mothers and their disordered sons. The more that I read and learn, the more skeeved-out I really am!
ICK…….just………………..ICK!!!!
Skylar, 100% spot-on. The noise that comes out of the holes in spaths’ faces are just that: noise. Sometimes, that noise is pleasant and even mesmorizing. It can lull its listeners into a state of stupor. Suddenly, when that noise ceases, all of the smoke and vapor is gone, and there’s this hideous THING standing where the noise was coming from.
Ruby, are you worrying that the other guy is going to get burned? He will have to learn on his own, because he wouldn’t believe you if you warned him. Are you hurting because of the injustice of the world continuing to treat him well? It won’t last. Is it hurting because you think there are good times and love going on over there? What’s over there is a cold black hole that can only take and take and demand more.
Did you get this news by accident? It’s only a reminder to be happy you are alone and away from him. But don’t try to find out more or go looking. You already know what this person is about, so you don’t need to learn more about him.
Spath’s love to dupe. They gain your trust, gage your vulnerabilities, learn your vulnerabilities, and enjoy baiting you. They enjoy zapping anyone who has opened up to them. This means, they lead you to believe, that they understand where you are coming from, with manufactured empathy….you have so much in common with the spath. Then, the spath drops some kind of bomb on you, all the better if they have a minion to hide behind, even a fake minion to hide behind. They do this because it brings them joy to cause distress. They divide and conquor. They take down communities by causing rivalries. They creat chaos and create dissention.
They find out what the triggers are and use them.
They suck.