Editor’s note: The following was written by a Lovefraud reader whom we’ll call “Ruby.” She wants to share her story because she is finding it hard to move on with her life. She lives in Europe and English is not her first language.
When we got engage he come across really nice and kind person. Before i decided to get engage I have told him that I want this relationship based on honesty and truth and he said yeh I want the same. He come across as mummy little baby boy, which was not a problem for me, since I believe that person who love and respect his mother will do respect and care for me as well. He used to often say to me that after I get married to him, I will be the happiest woman on earth/universe. He never used to talk about any intimacy, which seems weird to me, normally what I know is guys do talk about all these things. When I asked him about he said well my ex was abusive and that is why i am scare of it.
Whenever I want to go out with him after my engagement he always have excuse busy at work. Well I ask him why you not call me every day and he said that we keep every thing to discuss after marriage. We have whole life to talk about things. i thought, yeh he is right.
Wedding and honeymoon
In March 2010 we got married. I wanted a big wedding so I spend most of the money even that time. He arrange a nice car and hotel booking for the wedding night. I was so please I felt I met the man of my dream. On the wedding night no intimacy happen and it made me worried and I ask him why nothing happen. He said my ex was abusive and start crying…
After a week he book honeymoon in Dubai where he was really good with me and gradually things happen between us. Well even in Dubai he did not want to buy anything for me and my family. I gave him money then he took me for shopping. Strange enough, he don’t really have interest to buy me lingerie, which was again shock for me, since as young newly wed man he should be buying all the sexy stuff for me. But nope.
It was a nice trip. We came back around six weeks. We had normal relationship, then one day he told me that he is going away because of his job. Where he didn’t tell me. Well he came back from trip after 10 days, he was a different person. When I ask him why you seem so tense, he told that nothing, it’s work loads. I was trying to make him feel better with all my love, so is my family. Every time I ask him why you depress he mention that my dad has died, that’s why.
Massive debt
A few months after our marriage, he ask my brother to lend him some money, which my brother refused. Then in October 2010, he request me to borrow some money for him from bank since his ex left him in debt. I did, since I can’t see him in trouble. After the loan he was good with me till January 2011.
Mid January he again feel depress. I asked him what happen, he mention nothing. I thought poor him, never been loved by family, so i gave him more love and attention. Since he told me that his family never loved him nor his siblings, so naturally I felt for him. I took him for counseling, which he stopped after few sessions. I felt that he is down, so I took him for holidays in Morocco for a week. There he was fine but has used my credit card for shopping and hotel expenses, saying I’ll pay back.
After a week I find out he is in massive debt. It was a shock for me again I help him to go through all again. A few months he was fine. He buy me new clothes. I forgot to mention we don’t really have normal intimate relationship, may be once a month. For this I have ask him to get treated. He even tried Viagra. Since I want kids, I was going to have IVF done but he refused.
The new guy
Then come January 2012. New year eve he was fine and happy. 2nd week of January I came to visit my family for a week. When i went back, I realise he is very much involved with some homosexual guy, who is very good looking with job, money and car. He started spending all this time with him. When I asked him if you are involved with him, he just said I am disgusting since I think cheap. He is just friend and I like spending time with him.
Things move on. I still thought, poor him he is depress. Was spending my time, money, emotions everything to make him better. On the other hand, I notice he started wearing the same clothes his gay friend wear, same haircut, same food, same cigarettes. My ex never smoke, thus everything he start doing what his gay friend do.
I was confused. What the hell is this all about I told his family. And reply I get from them was he is still baby going through stress, depression and so on…
August 2012 I had enough so came to see my family. He dropped at my parents, promising he will come and spend time with me, but he never came. Just made excuses for month that he is busy at work. Right after he send his mother away as well and brought his gay friend in our house to start living with him. And straight after that, he text me saying that “I am gay and being with you make me depressed and unhappy so don’t come back”.
I was in shock since. I asked him to meet me once but he never come. I waited for a month and one day. I went to our house because my stuff was still with him. There he was with his gay friend or maybe his boy friend. He didn’t open the door for me. In fact he knew I got the keys so he changed the lock, change alarm system so I cant get in. So he left me on street that day. Few days before he told his mother don’t came back because I don’t want you in my life.
He won’t pay
When I ask him to pay the money, he said to the lawyer that he will pay the money once I signed divorce paper. Which I know he will not, since he hasn’t pay any money since past few months. Also he hasn’t pay any maintenance, which a man have to pay to wife in our culture if he left me.
Now what I heard is he is enjoying his life with his friend. Only he have around him is this guy who believe that my ex is his best friend. He don’t want to be contacted by his own family at all.
I am shocked that he didn’t have no guilt whatsoever. Also I should mention he has taken money from his mother, friend, my parents and God knows who else ”¦ list is endless. Also he often used to bring expensive things at home and said my boss gave this to me. Also he always like to use most expensive things even though he don’t have money.
Yes I know he is a sociopath, and he used me against his mother since his mother was his victim for years. And he wanted to seal his relationship with his mother. Of course he used his gay mate against me to seal relationship with me. I know it doesn’t bother them what they really are. They can be gay, transexual or straight. Well let’s see who will be his next prey against his friend.
Kim, that’s precisely why some people are on a “PIL” for me. Oh, that translates into “Permanent Ignore List.” 🙂
Brightest blessings
OxD……I knew you’d be “on it” like a duck on a June Bug!
I am beginning to listen for really strange ambiguity in language. Something like, “the first time it happened, I eventually…….whatever. Strange juxtipositions that incorperate impressive words that translate to Oxymorans. (Not that your a moran, Oxy.)
This is a mixed garden variety speak, and it both reveils, and conceals ambivalance…in it’s most innoculious form, or, is a deliberate form of mind control, because it unsettles…it creates imbalance in the listener. It is a form of gas-lighting.
In good faith, we attempt to make sense and right the disequilibrium. Crazy.
Ahhhh. Hell no. No more of that.
Kim, wow……..that it unsettles and creates imbalance for the listener. This makes sense to me in the spoken AND written word.
Do you find yourself attempting to dissect the “meaning” of conversations that you have with others? I’m asking because I’m wondering if this is “normal” or am I just being hypersensitive…..ALL of the time…….
No, Truthy, not really. It’s just if I get that intuitive sense that something isn’t right….I think that disordered people use this kind of ambiguious language far more than normals do, and, perhaps we pick up on it, unconsciously, by feeling unsettled, without consciously analyzing what they really said…..we know what we interpreted them to have said, but, we fixed it, so we could make sense of it. (We hate cog-dis) so, I think, we do this, on a conscience level, even though our unconscience knows better. And that strange feeling that something isn’t right, is because our unconscience has a record of the strange inconsistancies, and juztipositions of language.
I was married to a sociopath, he had sex with so many women it was unbelieveable, all off the internet and sex dating sits, he even advertised on craigslist for women. Then denied all of it. I put up with so many lies and what was unbelieveable, he accused me of planting long hairs in my towels, and makeup on my pillows. The bastard didnt even get a hotel room. Anyway to cut a long story short I divorced him, got a substantial settlement from the court(despite his objections) fought him all the way. Then he drives 7 hours to break into my home. He then told the detective he was awarded the things he stole, but has no paperwork to prove it. So I have an appointment with the District attorney this week, and I have also filed for civil theft (as there were five witnesses to say they saw him at my home and I wasn’t there. So I am doing my best to get him charghed with burglary and theft. I have told the DA I will go as far as the president with this unless he is prosecuted. I have already written a 7 page letter to the sheriff. I moved 7 hours drive away, yet he stalked me , found me and stole from me. How dare he violate my life again!!!! the fight is on. I will not continue to let this monster control me and violate my life. How dare he!!!!
I was married to a sociopath, he had sex with so many women it was unbelieveable, all off the internet and sex dating sits, he even advertised on craigslist for women. Then denied all of it. I put up with so many lies and what was unbelieveable, he accused me of planting long hairs in my towels, and makeup on my pillows. The bastard didnt even get a hotel room. Anyway to cut a long story short I divorced him, got a substantial settlement from the court(despite his objections) fought him all the way. Then he drives 7 hours to break into my home. He then told the detective he was awarded the things he stole, but has no paperwork to prove it. So I have an appointment with the District attorney this week, and I have also filed for civil theft (as there were five witnesses to say they saw him at my home and I wasn’t there. So I am doing my best to get him charged with burglary and theft. I have told the DA I will go as far as the president with this unless he is prosecuted. I have already written a 7 page letter to the sheriff. I moved 7 hours drive away, yet he stalked me , found me and stole from me. How dare he violate my life again!!!! the fight is on. I will not continue to let this monster control me and violate my life. How dare he!!!! What has completely ticked me off is he is so bloody cool and calm about it, and his girlfriend helped him, talk about control,
I did everything lovefraud suggested, I moved dissapeared and started a new life. Yet here we are nearly a year later and he has again violated my bloody life. WELL it has to stop, I tried the lovefraud way, it didnt work. So now I am going to fight. Will keep u posted
now i have moved again, but this time i have a full security system, a restraining order and video cameras .
There are certain words that imply certain things….they have connotations….words that seem innocious, but they undermine us, and we don’t even recognize them. Very manipulitive people are expert on using these words, in everyday speech. For example, the word, “notion” implies a child-like, sort of imaginitive naivete. It is subrle, but is very undermining. “Pandering” ah, yes pandering. That implies a stooping to the level of the herd….these are subtle means of eroding self-confidence, but, to the trusting person, they pass by, almost on a subliminal level. Spaths and manipulater’s use them with great skill.
They suck.