Editor’s note: The following was written by a Lovefraud reader whom we’ll call “Ruby.” She wants to share her story because she is finding it hard to move on with her life. She lives in Europe and English is not her first language.
When we got engage he come across really nice and kind person. Before i decided to get engage I have told him that I want this relationship based on honesty and truth and he said yeh I want the same. He come across as mummy little baby boy, which was not a problem for me, since I believe that person who love and respect his mother will do respect and care for me as well. He used to often say to me that after I get married to him, I will be the happiest woman on earth/universe. He never used to talk about any intimacy, which seems weird to me, normally what I know is guys do talk about all these things. When I asked him about he said well my ex was abusive and that is why i am scare of it.
Whenever I want to go out with him after my engagement he always have excuse busy at work. Well I ask him why you not call me every day and he said that we keep every thing to discuss after marriage. We have whole life to talk about things. i thought, yeh he is right.
Wedding and honeymoon
In March 2010 we got married. I wanted a big wedding so I spend most of the money even that time. He arrange a nice car and hotel booking for the wedding night. I was so please I felt I met the man of my dream. On the wedding night no intimacy happen and it made me worried and I ask him why nothing happen. He said my ex was abusive and start crying…
After a week he book honeymoon in Dubai where he was really good with me and gradually things happen between us. Well even in Dubai he did not want to buy anything for me and my family. I gave him money then he took me for shopping. Strange enough, he don’t really have interest to buy me lingerie, which was again shock for me, since as young newly wed man he should be buying all the sexy stuff for me. But nope.
It was a nice trip. We came back around six weeks. We had normal relationship, then one day he told me that he is going away because of his job. Where he didn’t tell me. Well he came back from trip after 10 days, he was a different person. When I ask him why you seem so tense, he told that nothing, it’s work loads. I was trying to make him feel better with all my love, so is my family. Every time I ask him why you depress he mention that my dad has died, that’s why.
Massive debt
A few months after our marriage, he ask my brother to lend him some money, which my brother refused. Then in October 2010, he request me to borrow some money for him from bank since his ex left him in debt. I did, since I can’t see him in trouble. After the loan he was good with me till January 2011.
Mid January he again feel depress. I asked him what happen, he mention nothing. I thought poor him, never been loved by family, so i gave him more love and attention. Since he told me that his family never loved him nor his siblings, so naturally I felt for him. I took him for counseling, which he stopped after few sessions. I felt that he is down, so I took him for holidays in Morocco for a week. There he was fine but has used my credit card for shopping and hotel expenses, saying I’ll pay back.
After a week I find out he is in massive debt. It was a shock for me again I help him to go through all again. A few months he was fine. He buy me new clothes. I forgot to mention we don’t really have normal intimate relationship, may be once a month. For this I have ask him to get treated. He even tried Viagra. Since I want kids, I was going to have IVF done but he refused.
The new guy
Then come January 2012. New year eve he was fine and happy. 2nd week of January I came to visit my family for a week. When i went back, I realise he is very much involved with some homosexual guy, who is very good looking with job, money and car. He started spending all this time with him. When I asked him if you are involved with him, he just said I am disgusting since I think cheap. He is just friend and I like spending time with him.
Things move on. I still thought, poor him he is depress. Was spending my time, money, emotions everything to make him better. On the other hand, I notice he started wearing the same clothes his gay friend wear, same haircut, same food, same cigarettes. My ex never smoke, thus everything he start doing what his gay friend do.
I was confused. What the hell is this all about I told his family. And reply I get from them was he is still baby going through stress, depression and so on…
August 2012 I had enough so came to see my family. He dropped at my parents, promising he will come and spend time with me, but he never came. Just made excuses for month that he is busy at work. Right after he send his mother away as well and brought his gay friend in our house to start living with him. And straight after that, he text me saying that “I am gay and being with you make me depressed and unhappy so don’t come back”.
I was in shock since. I asked him to meet me once but he never come. I waited for a month and one day. I went to our house because my stuff was still with him. There he was with his gay friend or maybe his boy friend. He didn’t open the door for me. In fact he knew I got the keys so he changed the lock, change alarm system so I cant get in. So he left me on street that day. Few days before he told his mother don’t came back because I don’t want you in my life.
He won’t pay
When I ask him to pay the money, he said to the lawyer that he will pay the money once I signed divorce paper. Which I know he will not, since he hasn’t pay any money since past few months. Also he hasn’t pay any maintenance, which a man have to pay to wife in our culture if he left me.
Now what I heard is he is enjoying his life with his friend. Only he have around him is this guy who believe that my ex is his best friend. He don’t want to be contacted by his own family at all.
I am shocked that he didn’t have no guilt whatsoever. Also I should mention he has taken money from his mother, friend, my parents and God knows who else ”¦ list is endless. Also he often used to bring expensive things at home and said my boss gave this to me. Also he always like to use most expensive things even though he don’t have money.
Yes I know he is a sociopath, and he used me against his mother since his mother was his victim for years. And he wanted to seal his relationship with his mother. Of course he used his gay mate against me to seal relationship with me. I know it doesn’t bother them what they really are. They can be gay, transexual or straight. Well let’s see who will be his next prey against his friend.
Lou, he’s the French Norman Bates. And he has deviant bdsm tastes. So I may rename him .. hold on to your sides.. Master Bates. 🙂 The sun is out and that’s pleasant, and although I’m snowed under with work since post-breakdown return I’m coping OK, the citalopram is kicking in I think, plus it’s Day 9 of NC and oddly Master Bates (sorry I’ll stop now) seems more contemptable and pathetic and less terrifying than he did. You know how it is Lou, one day at a time. Some are easier than others. Is your mom with you yet? x
Raggedy Ann, you may be motivated by simple curiosity in disordered personalities in visiting and posting here rather than any intent to cause distress or discord, however for what it’s worth your posts sometimes give me an uncomfortable feeling of being ‘rubbernecked’. In case you don’t use that term in the U.S. here’s a definition. Please respect that many people here are in states of trauma and their stories are not posted here for the entertainment or diversion of the casual bystander or person bored at work seeking an alternative timefiller to Tetris or Facebook.
Rubbernecking describes the act of gawking at something of interest. It is often used to refer to drivers trying to view the carnage resulting from a traffic accident. The term refers to the craning of a person’s neck in order to get a better view.[1]
Rubbernecking has also been described as a human trait that is associated with morbid curiosity.[2] It can be the cause of traffic jams (sometimes referred to as “Gapers’ blocks”), as drivers slow down to see what happened in a crash. It is also a cause of accidents as drivers become distracted and change their rate of travel while other drivers are also distracted. Rubbernecking has also come to be used more generally to describe voyeuristic interest in someone else’s “business” or difficulties.
Tea Light:
Master Bates…I love it!! I am sure he does a lot of that, too! 🙂
I am glad the sun is out there as I have read you get very little of it over there. I am so glad to hear you are feeling better, but yes, I know how it is…good days and bad days. I really must say though that he is becoming less of a memory for me. It seems like this has just happened more so within this last month. I don’t know why, but I guess just healing. I know I will still have bad days when I am triggered or whatever. It was surely an experience that I never want to have again.
No, my mom is not here yet. I leave tomorrow morning to drive and get her. She lives 400 miles away from me…not a hop, skip and a jump. She lives where I grew up.
We do use the term Rubbernecking here in the US and I have always disdained rubberneckers. I can’t stand when people tie up traffic because they are gawking at an accident…drives me crazy…has always been a pet peeve of mine. Just keep driving already…geez!!! x
Ruby,
You will have a lot of well meaning people in your life who will keep you “posted” of what your ex is doing. In the beginning, it is almost like a drug to glean all sorts of information here and there. We can all deny it, but deep down we are looking for a way to feel vindicated and hope that the sp will suffer as much as we do/did. I was like this for the first 6 months of my break up. Since the sp and I had mutual friends, I eventually told them that if we were to continue being friends, we could not discuss the sp.
As for his new partner, there is nothing YOU can do to save him. I know you are well meaning (all of us duped by sps are empathetic) and don’t want someone else hurt like you were, but there is nothing you can do about it. Close off that part of your mind and work on rebuilding your life.
I’m sure in Europe you have some legal rights from being married, but sometimes it is better to let things go so that you can move forward.
Please know that as much as you feel you have the right to know what is in his business, you don’t and it would be better off if you didn’t…
Good luck
Tea Light and KatyDid
Gross is right! It is amazing to see all of the sick relationships between some of the disordered mothers and sons.
My ex’s mom used to call all the time. He took great pleasure in having sex with me while talking to her. If we weren’t in the middle of something, he would try to initiate. Just totally creeped me out. I remember when we were first dating, he took me out to his mom’s house (she was away somewhere) which was an hour away from where we lived so that he could have sex with me there in her bed.
I mentioned before that I’m totally tainted about sex. My ex twisted and perverted a special thing and turned it into a tool for control and way to humiliate me even further.
The sad part was the sick little grin he would have plastered on his face as he hurt me during sex.
Even now, the thought of it pushes my buttons and raises my anxiety….
Ruby, Saskgirl is 100% spot-on. Even well-meaning people can get caught up in the drama/trauma because, for whatever reason, it can take the focus off of their own issues for a while.
This is precisely where we lay the foundation of boundaries. You are “allowed” to say, “You know, I appreciate your concern, but I’m really not interested in what ____ is doing, and I’d rather not discuss him, EVER.” If this friend or associate is of good intention, they’ll accept that boundary and NOT cross it. IF, on the other hand, they cross that boundary with responses like, “Well, I though you’d like to know,” or any other excuse, THEY ARE OUT because they don’t have “good” intentions, at all.
Most importantly, it is vital that you recognize how raw you are from this horrific series of experiences. You are hurt and the pain is real, on every level. It’s very, very easy to become caught up in the pain because it has become “familiar,” now. Don’t allow that pain to become something that you view as being “worthy of.” You are deserving and worthy of a peaceful life and recovery may require you to cut people out of your life because they will prevent that recovery.
You do not own what the spath did. You didn’t ask for it, and you didn’t deserve it. You own your recovery processes, and it isn’t going to be an easy journey, at first. Five months from now, you’ll be further down your Healing Path. A year from now, even further. The walking stick to help us down that Healing Path is called, “shame-less.” You have nothing to be ashamed of, or be blamed for.
Brightest blessings
Ruby,
I wanted to mention to you about the no contact thing and my experiences.
For months after the breakup, I heard all about my ex and his new gf and how they were tearing up the town in the swinger’s club in my city. I did hear from some of the guys that I was 100 % better looking than her etc, etc. It felt better for a little bit, then the creepy, gross, anxiety feeling came over me and I wondered what was wrong with me since he used me and threw me away like a piece of trash. I couldn’t understand why he was out enjoying his life when I couldn’t. I started to examine every little bit of my 2 year relationship and every time I examined it, I was harsher and harsher on myself. I was reliving it over and over in very sharp clarity, but each time I was reliving it, I was putting myself down and thinking that maybe my ex was right. The insanity kept continuing and I wasn’t even with him.
One night, I was working a midnight shift and I was just looking at craigslist (I had been broken up with the sp for 3 months by then) I could sit here and try to convince you all that it was accidental, but it wasn’t. I was looking for “proof” of his depravity so that I could wave it in the faces of his friends and family who think he is a good guy, but misunderstood.
As I looked on craigslist, there was an ad, his ad on there. This one wasn’t a swinger ad(but there has been those) but it was a picture of his junk. How do I know? I know. Anyway, I was so worked up and furious about it, that I texted him in the middle of the night about it. He had put down that he was a different age. I texted him and asked him “since when are you 45?”, in true sp form, he texted back later, I’m not and that was the end of it. Any normal person would ask “why are you so crazy that you are texting me in the middle of the night? What are you on about woman?”
My point, his posting on there had nothing to do with me, but I made it my business. It made me crazy. I was acting irrationally and really proving to him and his friends that I was a certifiable nut case.
Once that realization dawned on me, I started working on the no contact rule. It took months and I lost some friends (I know that they never were now so they are not important). I feel so much better for it.
It takes time, but you will too. You do not need the insanity
I’m sending a big Canadian hug over to you.
Saskgirl
Saskgirl, I’m in that same place about my sexual identity. The exspath is into extremely violent S&M and has a very unhealthy connection with his mother.
For me, this has created a dysfunction that I don’t know if I’ll ever overcome, and this is one of the facets of how sinful spaths really are. Their destruction is wrought on every level: financial, social, emotional, sexual, spiritual, physical…..every aspect of the human psyche is damaged. Overcoming this damage is coming in tiny bits and pieces, but the sexual damage is something that I’m going to need help with. I can’t even watch a generic love scene in a movie without feeling nauseous! Why isn’t that kind of damage a bona fide crime?!
So….yeah…..
Brightest blessings
Saskgirl, we posted over one another, but I appreciate your posting about the Craigslist search. I got involved in that in an attempt to generate negative information with regard to my divorce trial. Well…….the whole “No Fault” thing means that it didn’t matter about what he did during the marriage, whatsoever! He could have been spending $1000 at a time on his S&M gatherings in the Big City, and it still wouldn’t have mattered.
Knowing anything about the exspath isn’t going to change what was done, and expending energy upon what he’s doing (real, or imagined) is energy that I should be spending on my own recovery.
Thanks for your honest and insightful discussion on “No Contact.”
Kim, I get your gist.
And, I agree with Moon that it’s time to devalue and discard the obsessed tooth!!! I’ve had a couple of evil teeth that had agendas, and I lost interest in their enameled games once it was clear that they intended to continue inflicting their pain upon me until they fell out of my face on their own.
(snort, guffaw, chortle) Yeah…..it can be excruciating, Kim.
Brightest blessings of numbness