Editor’s note: The following was written by a Lovefraud reader whom we’ll call “Ruby.” She wants to share her story because she is finding it hard to move on with her life. She lives in Europe and English is not her first language.
When we got engage he come across really nice and kind person. Before i decided to get engage I have told him that I want this relationship based on honesty and truth and he said yeh I want the same. He come across as mummy little baby boy, which was not a problem for me, since I believe that person who love and respect his mother will do respect and care for me as well. He used to often say to me that after I get married to him, I will be the happiest woman on earth/universe. He never used to talk about any intimacy, which seems weird to me, normally what I know is guys do talk about all these things. When I asked him about he said well my ex was abusive and that is why i am scare of it.
Whenever I want to go out with him after my engagement he always have excuse busy at work. Well I ask him why you not call me every day and he said that we keep every thing to discuss after marriage. We have whole life to talk about things. i thought, yeh he is right.
Wedding and honeymoon
In March 2010 we got married. I wanted a big wedding so I spend most of the money even that time. He arrange a nice car and hotel booking for the wedding night. I was so please I felt I met the man of my dream. On the wedding night no intimacy happen and it made me worried and I ask him why nothing happen. He said my ex was abusive and start crying…
After a week he book honeymoon in Dubai where he was really good with me and gradually things happen between us. Well even in Dubai he did not want to buy anything for me and my family. I gave him money then he took me for shopping. Strange enough, he don’t really have interest to buy me lingerie, which was again shock for me, since as young newly wed man he should be buying all the sexy stuff for me. But nope.
It was a nice trip. We came back around six weeks. We had normal relationship, then one day he told me that he is going away because of his job. Where he didn’t tell me. Well he came back from trip after 10 days, he was a different person. When I ask him why you seem so tense, he told that nothing, it’s work loads. I was trying to make him feel better with all my love, so is my family. Every time I ask him why you depress he mention that my dad has died, that’s why.
Massive debt
A few months after our marriage, he ask my brother to lend him some money, which my brother refused. Then in October 2010, he request me to borrow some money for him from bank since his ex left him in debt. I did, since I can’t see him in trouble. After the loan he was good with me till January 2011.
Mid January he again feel depress. I asked him what happen, he mention nothing. I thought poor him, never been loved by family, so i gave him more love and attention. Since he told me that his family never loved him nor his siblings, so naturally I felt for him. I took him for counseling, which he stopped after few sessions. I felt that he is down, so I took him for holidays in Morocco for a week. There he was fine but has used my credit card for shopping and hotel expenses, saying I’ll pay back.
After a week I find out he is in massive debt. It was a shock for me again I help him to go through all again. A few months he was fine. He buy me new clothes. I forgot to mention we don’t really have normal intimate relationship, may be once a month. For this I have ask him to get treated. He even tried Viagra. Since I want kids, I was going to have IVF done but he refused.
The new guy
Then come January 2012. New year eve he was fine and happy. 2nd week of January I came to visit my family for a week. When i went back, I realise he is very much involved with some homosexual guy, who is very good looking with job, money and car. He started spending all this time with him. When I asked him if you are involved with him, he just said I am disgusting since I think cheap. He is just friend and I like spending time with him.
Things move on. I still thought, poor him he is depress. Was spending my time, money, emotions everything to make him better. On the other hand, I notice he started wearing the same clothes his gay friend wear, same haircut, same food, same cigarettes. My ex never smoke, thus everything he start doing what his gay friend do.
I was confused. What the hell is this all about I told his family. And reply I get from them was he is still baby going through stress, depression and so on…
August 2012 I had enough so came to see my family. He dropped at my parents, promising he will come and spend time with me, but he never came. Just made excuses for month that he is busy at work. Right after he send his mother away as well and brought his gay friend in our house to start living with him. And straight after that, he text me saying that “I am gay and being with you make me depressed and unhappy so don’t come back”.
I was in shock since. I asked him to meet me once but he never come. I waited for a month and one day. I went to our house because my stuff was still with him. There he was with his gay friend or maybe his boy friend. He didn’t open the door for me. In fact he knew I got the keys so he changed the lock, change alarm system so I cant get in. So he left me on street that day. Few days before he told his mother don’t came back because I don’t want you in my life.
He won’t pay
When I ask him to pay the money, he said to the lawyer that he will pay the money once I signed divorce paper. Which I know he will not, since he hasn’t pay any money since past few months. Also he hasn’t pay any maintenance, which a man have to pay to wife in our culture if he left me.
Now what I heard is he is enjoying his life with his friend. Only he have around him is this guy who believe that my ex is his best friend. He don’t want to be contacted by his own family at all.
I am shocked that he didn’t have no guilt whatsoever. Also I should mention he has taken money from his mother, friend, my parents and God knows who else ”¦ list is endless. Also he often used to bring expensive things at home and said my boss gave this to me. Also he always like to use most expensive things even though he don’t have money.
Yes I know he is a sociopath, and he used me against his mother since his mother was his victim for years. And he wanted to seal his relationship with his mother. Of course he used his gay mate against me to seal relationship with me. I know it doesn’t bother them what they really are. They can be gay, transexual or straight. Well let’s see who will be his next prey against his friend.
Sask, thank you for these posts I’m extremely sorry you had to experience that abuse, I am living day by day with recovering from what the abuser did to me and my heart goes out to you. But, we are safe now. The mothers? Oh my God.. my abuser had flights of creepy fantasy where he’d tell me we’d live in his mother’s apartment when we were “older” ie when she was dead? Also he would masterbate on the phone in her bedroom on the phone to me I wouldn’t realise until he orgasmed. And often she would tap on the door during our calls and enter without him saying ‘come in’. So. He wanted his mother to hear or see him masterbating? To make her JEALOUS?!? God knows. God only knows. Peace and love to you sask x
Lou, haha he did, for sure, as I’ve just posted to saskgirl. I was so.. It sounds pathetic but in so deep, so zombified, that their freakish bond seemed loving or just ‘unusually close’. That’s how I desperately tried to rationalise it. Whilst my gut was churning and my head pounding.
Will you send despatches when you are with your mom? Don’t leave me Louise!! gah off to work on those pesky attachment issues x
Tea Light:
I get it…don’t beat yourself up about it. I was in so deep with Scousepath it wasn’t even funny. I was so deep and so in love and at the same time, I knew he was no good. That made it even worse…why was I so in love with an ass? I was trauma bonded.
I will still be in touch while I am traveling. I probably will be out of touch all day tomorrow as I won’t have access and then my mom doesn’t have access…I have to get the portable wi fi from my brother once I get there. I don’t have a Smart Phone so I have to rely on my laptop. I won’t leave you, Tea Light! I promise.
Yes, attachment issues…UGGHH. x
Come back soon Lou! *sob* 🙂 xx
Tea Light:
I will come back soon! x
Tea Light, you addressed this very interesting remark to me:
“Raggedy Ann, you may be motivated by simple curiosity in disordered personalities in visiting and posting here rather than any intent to cause distress or discord, however for what it’s worth your posts sometimes give me an uncomfortable feeling of being ’rubbernecked’. In case you don’t use that term in the U.S. here’s a definition. Please respect that many people here are in states of trauma and their stories are not posted here for the entertainment or diversion of the casual bystander or person bored at work seeking an alternative timefiller to Tetris or Facebook.
Rubbernecking describes the act of gawking at something of interest. It is often used to refer to drivers trying to view the carnage resulting from a traffic accident. The term refers to the craning of a person’s neck in order to get a better view.[1]
Rubbernecking has also been described as a human trait that is associated with morbid curiosity.[2] It can be the cause of traffic jams (sometimes referred to as “Gapers’ blocks”), as drivers slow down to see what happened in a crash. It is also a cause of accidents as drivers become distracted and change their rate of travel while other drivers are also distracted. Rubbernecking has also come to be used more generally to describe voyeuristic interest in someone else’s “business” or difficulties.”
My response will no doubt be longer than your text, but hopefully not too long, and I am taking the time to TRY to write in a way that makes sense to the person I am talking to. Or try harder, perhaps I should say.
First, THANK YOU for offering me your impression. Far more importantly to me, THANK YOU for giving me the benefit of the doubt and not making factual declarations regarding what’s going on in my skull regarding my motivations. Possibly because of my own background, I don’t deal with that well — not sure if it qualifies as triggering to me… maybe — and I have come up against this over and over again here, with the “factual declarations” being comepletely off. I am actually sort of baffled by it, especially on the heels of CappucinoQueen, who was experiencing something so horrifying, having turned out to be for real. Anyway, I was grateful you didn’t seem to be stating anything about me as fact except for the fact of the vibe you were feeling from me.
I actually used the term “rubbernecking” when explaining to someone how I ended up on LF. I used it in the context of my not being able to stop obsessing about a specific news story and reading about crime and violence between intimates. But this was not for personal entertainment, it was an inability to turn away until certain aspects of the first news story were resolved — and a fascination with the other stories partly because I indentified with some of the people in them, partly because with each one I felt I had a tiny bit more knowledge about harm-doers and related issues like how police elicit information from suspects, or how victims feel later on when their story is resolved this way or that, or how redeemable is this kind of criminal or that. Do you agree with me that there is a difference?
However, what you say is very insightful and understanding. Part of my situation was that I was trapped in my work situation with my traumatizer right there, and often my computer was my only escape from my surrounding physical reality. Just about anything on the web was indeed a distraction from my own reality.
While reading LF, I *thought* I was gaining mastery over a past experience with a “primary” spath who was more of a literal lovefraud than the fellow at my job. Including with each posted story. As you know, seeing other examples and coming to a better understanding that what you experienced is a common pattern or tactic can be life-changing (or just progress). But the stories can be triggering, or they can simply prompt a person to offer kindness, acknowledgement, support, help. I think it’s pretty clear that many people end up the victims of spaths precisely because of a helpfulness impulse. Sometimes a person appears to be getting support from others, sometimes something they said compels you to speak yourself supportively. I don’t see this at all as hanging around for entertainment. At the same time, it’s been 4-5 years that I have been reading on and off. I would check in from time to time because this is a blog I have followed and I read the articles. And there are some days when I have had little to do at work and my hopping over onto lovefraud was at a moment when I was bored or restless at work. Then, less than two years ago, a new trauma and now ongoing fallout. Idleness at work has never been what prompted me to post. It’s not a timefiller exercise for me, and it’s all beyond simple curiosity: in this thread, I really felt for Ruby, who clearly is in a state of trauma, wanted to comfort and encourage her, even point out to her that the parental collusion she was subjected to is a common thing and should not faze her.
Elsewhere, another poster who had offered info about the spath who’d harmed him, but also offered some interesting social commentary, which elicited some from me. It seemed to go OK with that person.
Obviously I stumbled into something I was oblivious to previously when I posted my opinions about a posted article about some scientific studies. I had been reading LF more reglularly because of some private NC issues, also because was considering using a legal resource from here. I wouldn’t call that rubbernecking either. (Maybe the “oblivious” part is NOT obvious. I can only reiterate that I was.)
I think the traffic problems you are looking at here are due to something other than rubbernecking.
Thank you again for your thoughts. It was helpful that you told me what you did.
Hi All
thanks for your support, I am aware that I have to close all the back doors. its not that easy i am trying my best. Yeh I found out about them accidently. the reason it make me very upset is because whatever I am earning is going to pay the debts, and I end up empty hand every month. that make me angry that you left me in big money debt and now you move on in ur life
it is also true that mothers of such people support them and often part of the game. Ragged Anne I agree that he is cold dark whole which just never going to fill up. yeh I am trying my very best to move on but some days are great and I am grateful to Nature but some days are so bad very I feel hurt and pain. it will take time as everyone is saying how long dont know. it is also try that we want that person to go thru the same pain what they gave us.
I believe on the rule of nature:
what goes around come back around
Blessing and hug to all who are in same trauma as me 🙂 keep smiling God is with us
Raggedy, I believe in tolerance and diversity and mutual respect and consideration. LF has been a haven for me during one of the most difficult times of my life. It is a place of kindness and compassion and courtesy. If we all keep those values in mind and uphold them we’ll all be ok and get along fine. Peace and love. x
Ruby, the further away you get from the person who has so harmed you, the easier it will be to maintain “No Contact.” And, I don’t mean moving to another country – emotionally, is what I mean.
As for this debt, are these HIS debts in HIS name, or are they your debts? If they are HIS, then I’d stop paying them off and let the creditors find him and make him pay. Or, let his mother pay his debts. Either way, if there is any way for you to separate yourself from everything in HIS life, this will be a tremendous relief for you. You won’t “feel” obligated to pay attention.
Brightest blessings
hi, he con me and borrow money by using my name so basically debt is on my name. so i will be the one who is trouble from creditors not him. since he used my bank my accounts with out my knowledge. ihis mummy said that i got nothing to do with you , after that they have completely cut themselves and made me feel that i was the insane one. i try calling his family they dont answer at all ..