UPDATED FOR 2024: Lovefraud received the following e-mail from a reader who posts as “forever_me.” She asks a very important question: “Should I warn the next victim?” I’ll answer her question after her letter.
Hello. I am looking for some guidance. I was in a romantic relationship with a P for over 2 years, but just broke it off earlier this week. I discovered that he was using an online dating site and was able to access it because I knew the patterns of his passwords. I created a bogus profile on the same website and contacted one of the women he was messaging. She was shocked to hear from me because my P told her he was single and not dating anyone. What was worse was that they had engaged in unprotected sex a few days before my P and I had unprotected sex. We agreed to meet each other to discuss the details of our relationships with this man. She had been dating him for just over a month.
After my conversation with this woman, I wanted answers from my P, although at this time I didn’t realize that was what he was. I was persistent in my confrontation with him, which took 3 hours of dealing with blatant lie after lie. He initially denied dating anyone else or knowing about the dating site, then claimed he was letting a friend use his identity to cheat on a fiance, then finally admitted he did go on a few dates with the woman I had contacted through the site. However, he swore that he’d never had sex with her or anyone else since we’d been together. In fact, the woman I met was actually stalking him and trying to turn me against him since he rejected her. I eventually walked out the door when he told me he was sorry, not for his actions, but because I was under the misunderstanding we were a couple instead of just friends with benefits. lt is worth noting that during the course of our dialogue, he casually picked up the newspaper to read it and briefly watched the local news as if we were just having a typical evening together.
I was so bewildered by his lies and behavior after I left that I began searching the internet and stumbled upon this blog. Reading the many entries made me realize that I had been involved with a P. All the little red flags added up and I’m coming to terms with the truth. This site has expedited my healing and I thank everyone involved for that!
Now my conscience is wondering if I should continue to warn other women about him? He changed his password but I have once again figured it out. The woman I contacted before was glad I did. I don’t plan to meet any of these women going forward, but just send them a note of concern under cover to let them know what to watch for if they decide to date him. I know I can’t do this forever since he could change his password again or switch dating sites, and I need to move on with my life as well. The advice I’ve read here says I should just walk away since I have no financial, legal, or career ties to him. Several women are currently corresponding with him. Since he’s independently wealthy, handsome, and charming, they’ll be hooked soon enough. Should I just let it go or contact these women knowing I’ll save a few of them from the pain he’ll surely inflict?
Should she try to warn the next victim, or shouldn’t she? This has been the topic of much debate here on Lovefraud. I wrote about this topic in a blog post back in 2007. But it’s an important issue, so let’s discuss it again.
Factors to consider
If you’re considering warning others about the sociopath, here are factors to consider:
1. Can you warn someone safely?
The first thing to consider, of course, is your physical safety. If the sociopath you were involved with has a history of violence, even if the violence was never directed towards you, I would urge caution.
But safety involves more than worries about violence. Consider also your legal and financial status. If you are in the midst of a divorce or custody battle with your ex, you do not want to do anything that will jeopardize your case, your job, or anything else that he may be able to damage through accusations.
No matter how badly you may feel for the next target, you must put yourself first.
2. What is your emotional state?
Relationships with sociopaths inflict emotional and psychological damage on us. The best way to recover from the damage is to have no contact with the sociopath.
Tracking a sociopath’s actions is sometimes gratifying, however, because we feel like we’re no longer being conned. We see through the mask. We know what he or she is up to. In a way, it’s a boost to our trampled self-esteem to be on to the con. And yes, we probably have to admit to wanting a taste of revenge by ruining the sociopath’s game.
But even if we’re not talking to the sociopath, or sending e-mail, we have to remember that keeping tabs, and warning others, is a form of contact. As we say here on Lovefraud, the predator is still renting space in our brains.
So, before you do it, think about where you are in your recovery. Can you do this and continue to heal?
3. Will the victim’s reaction affect you?
We know how good the sociopaths are, because we were hooked. Think of how the sociopath described his or her prior involvements to you. Did he say his ex-wives were mentally disturbed? Did she say her ex-husband was a stalker? Well, that’s what is now being said about you.
The sociopath is already running a smear campaign to discredit anything that you may say. At the same time, the sociopath is love bombing the new victim. He or she is primed to disbelieve you.
If the new victim blows you off, can you just walk away?
My view
In my personal opinion, if you can warn the next victim without jeopardizing your own safety and recovery, I think you should at least try.
I’ve heard of cases where the victim was grateful for the warning and got out. I’ve heard of cases where the next victim has refused to listen and stayed with the sociopath. And I’ve heard of cases where the victim stayed for awhile, then started to see the bad behavior, remembered the warning, and got out.
I know that since I’ve posted the information about my ex-husband, James Montgomery, online, at least seven women have contacted me to thank me for the warning. They Googled his name, found Lovefraud, and dumped him. I don’t know how many may have dumped him without telling me. This makes me feel good.
However, James Montgomery is on the other side of the world. I’ve had a chance to recover and move on. He can’t damage me.
So if you feel like you need to warn others, remember this: Your first obligation is to yourself. Do what you must do for your own recovery. If you can assist others without hurting yourself, that is icing on the cake.
Learn more: Beyond Betrayal – How to recover from the trauma
Lovefraud originally posted this story on Sept. 27, 2010.
A cult of two – you and the sociopath
Well all I can say is that I slipped up one night and ended up sleeping with my exspath, and in the morning I found the next vistims make up case out in the bathroom(blatantly open for me to see) with emotions high I grabbed it and put it in my purse…. clearly she would see its not there and he would have to explain. He chased me down the stairs trying to grab my purse which ended up in him nailing me in the face a few times in front of his son. Sooooo Donna is right….make sure you put yourself first. I learned the hard way…..
Well, since I last posted about whether to warn the victim, I have found disturbing evidence. He was married 4 times and the last 3 were 12-15 yrs. younger. I never married him. This new lady is 62, older and retired with good retirement. We all know where this is going. I found a stalking charge, 2 yrs. probation. The report said” I have guns in the truck and I’m not afraid to use them, if I find a man In the house I’ll kill both of U” 2 yrs. probation which is up. The last wife before me, which he hid from me, I found a order of protection from her and like all kinds of things said and done. I guess he knew he couldn’t pull that on me, as a matter of fact I think he is scared of me. Lol Imagine that.
I thought of getting it printed from courthouse, it has case number and all, I don’t know how he would talk himself out of that. I’ll send it to her daughter, my daughter talked sense into me when I did not want to listen. The daughter will at least be on guard and watch out for her mom. I feel like if I don’t do it and something happened I could have stopped it, if she keeps on with him, we’ll like we all say. The light will come on sooner or later.
Kathyj – As I said in the article, I think if we can do it safely, we should at least try to warn the next victim. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t, sometimes it works a little later. At least we know that we tried.
Hi Donna (I contacted you 3 years ago about this very same issue).
My comment to Kathy and many others:
Three years ago, my husband and I wrote a letter to give a “heads-up” to the latest victim that she was involved with a manipulator, calculating, liar and deceiver and what he was saying to her he has said word-for-word to many others-even at the same time. We wrote from our heart and told her it wasn’t an easy thing for parents to say about their child. But since we witnessed it first-hand many times, and also what he did to a wonderful woman he married (treated like trash, cheated on and than abandoned her in less than 1 1/2 years of marriage,)we did not want to sit by idly and watch this happen again. (a note: we were kept at a distance from his wife while they were dating and found out afterwards that he had told her and her whole family we were evil and to stay away from us. He feared we might tip her off to his ways and lose the chance to “hook one”. Though she said she would have never believed us anyway because he was so good at what he did.) Very long story short: She immediately cut off the relationship, stating that she felt stalked by us and her privacy invaded (?). I am sure he totally discredited us. With this said, be prepared to stand alone. We are. Family and friends think we are crazy and don’t believe us. They think he is wonderful-even knowing all the things we told them about his history! My husband, I and his ex-wife know the truth. That is all that matters though it is still difficult. (End note: After many trys with other women,he has since hooked and married another (just this last month.)She also believes and states, “She is a very lucky girl and sooo happy!”. Poor thing!).
I considered this issue in depth back when my marriage to a sociopath was ending. I ultimately decided not to warn his new girlfriend for three reasons:
1) He was love bombing her so I knew she would never believe me.
2) He makes a lot of money and I was told by others that she was just after him for money so even if she knew his true character she would not care.
3) I knew that he would retaliate against me if I interfered.
A decade later I am still satisfied with my decision not to warn his girlfriend or future girlfriends. I think I made the right call.