Editor’s note: Lovefraud received this letter from a reader named “Krzyluv” who found herself in a sociopath’s twisted web.
I would like to start by saying that a concerned friend referred me to this website, and I must say that I never in a million years would think that there was anyone out there who was like me, or would ever believe what has happened to me and my children. The stories and blogs I have read have inspired so much strength and courage inside of this empty shell of a woman that I have become! Thank you from the bottom of my heart for having such an inspiring website as this. It makes me think that if all these women can be that brave and do it, so can I.
My story starts a little over eight years ago. I was 23 years old with two kids, happily going through a healthy divorce ”¦ (Got pregnant at 17, married my high school sweetheart, young dumb love never had a chance.) I was moving on, had a great career as a self-employed massage therapist with a busy tanning salon, had a nice house, nice car, and although it wasn’t always easy juggling everything being a newly divorced single working mom, we were doing all right.
One day a man walked into my salon that would change my life forever! He was easy on the eyes, funny, witty, extremely charming, and had a smile that lit up any room. I’ll never forget that day; that was the day my life was forever changed. He said he was a pipefitter in the union and claimed to be an ex-marine with lots of connections and he dealt used cars, always driving a different car every week. That man could talk a shoe salesman outta his shoes.
He quickly became my best client, booking massages and tanning sessions several times a week. I didn’t know it then, but he was working me right from the start, paying attention to every little detail. Soon he was everywhere. I’d run into him at the gas station, grocery store, he’d even drop by the salon when he didn’t have an appt, to bring me lunch or a sweet treat. After about four weeks of this, I finally agreed to a date.
One night out with him and I was head over heels! Things moved pretty quickly from there. After two months of dating I introduced him to my children. They absolutely adored him. He made dinner, changed diapers, played with them all the time — it was too good to be true! He swept me off my feet. Every weekend we went away on a different adventure. He took me to Atlantic City, Times Square, Wildwood, Broadway shows, hockey games, Statue of Liberty, Medieval Times, Crystal Caves — etc. —Life was good!
Wife answers the phone
One day about six months into it, he didn’t answer his cell, so I tried his house phone. A woman answered the phone claiming to be his wife. My heart sank. She told me he has had a long history of cheating, and had several affairs and was a pathological liar. I should have ended it right there! I should have walked away and never looked back!!
He showed up at my door and very convincingly told me she was there picking up their kids and they were going through a divorce as well and she tries to sabotage his relationships. He convinced me by moving in with me, and was with me every day, so I believed him.
He always kept a house of his own, though. He moved around a lot, claiming to dabble in real estate, flipping houses and such, which I later found out to be a lie. He would never be able to own anything due to judgments against him, back taxes, and things of that nature.
Soon after, more things started happening. When we went out, he’d tell me he was short on cash and to loan him 200 bucks til he went to the bank, so we’d go out and he paid for everything — with my money! Then he maxed out my credit cards, over-drafted my accounts. He even swindled me out of my car. This went on for years.
Beating
Eventually he became very jealous of my clients, accusing me of having affairs. He even beat me so bad one night that I had a broken nose, two black eyes, and head wounds. From there I eventually just gave up. My accounts were drained, I lost my career, my home, and most of all any self-respect that I had left.
Still, I stayed. And at this point I knew to keep my mouth shut and not to do anything to set him off. He would disappear for weeks at a time, and would come and go as he pleased. But I had nothing, I lost everything, and now I depended on him. I even found myself lying to friends and family trying to cover for him — too embarrassed to face the truth. He had several affairs, with at least six women (that I knew about), maybe more. He always came back to me. When things were good, they were really good, and when they were bad, they were downright awful.
At one of my darkest moments I attempted suicide and came very close to ending my life. I woke up in the ICU with breathing tubes down my throat. The nurses told me he never left my side. Immediately upon my recovery, I was taken involuntarily to a psychiatric unit. He visited me every day, even came to counseling with me. When the time came for me to come home, I thought it was a turning point. Things were great again, better than great. We were so in love — it was sickening. He was addicting. He was my drug in every sense and I could feel him running through my veins. I was intoxicated by his “love.”
At one point he even had my name tattooed on his chest over his heart. I never did understand how he explained that one to his wife. But she too, like me, is tangled up in his twisted web.
Warrants
Eventually things started going downwards again. He had convinced his family and friends that I was a lunatic, and after all, he had the hospital stunt to back him up now on that one. I was totally discredited from here on out. Sometimes things were okay, but it never lasted long.
And then one day he was arrested, and I found out he had 13 different warrants, everything from bad checks, theft by deception, credit card fraud, bad car deals — you name it, he did it! They were after him for a long time. After a few weeks he got lawyers and bail bondsmen and finally posted all the bails and was free once again. He told me this had changed him and wanted to start a new life with me.
Read more: Book review — The Betrayal Bond (redux)
He wanted to have a child with me, so eventually I got pregnant, and as soon as I was, it all started again. He wasn’t around much at all during the nine months. He wanted a girl; I gave birth to a boy. Nevertheless, he was a proud papa — for about 12 weeks.
One of my friends called to tell me they saw his picture in the paper under New Jersey’s most wanted. When our son was three months old he disappeared completely. I found out he was still with his wife and relocated them to Arizona with their three kids. I was devastated once again, with a newborn baby, and he was halfway across the country living it up with his “other” family while I was alone to raise our son.
Ran to him
Out of the blue one day he called and asked me to pick him up at the local airport. Of course I ran to him, hoping he was going to father his son. He was home with us for three days when the cops surrounded my house and led him out in handcuffs. He had skipped out on all the bail he’d previously posted and owed thousands to the bail bondsmen, plus a slew of new charges.
I got a job as a waitress, sent him money and accepted his calls. I even drove the baby two hours every single weekend to visit him. He’s a slick man, and worked the system. He was home in six months!
Once again he wanted to start over, but this time he moved me out of state. I left my job, my family, my friends, everything! I left it all behind to be with the father of my son and the man that I loved.
When we first moved in, it was wonderful — candles by the hot tub with wine, cards and gifts. He was an amazing daddy. But soon, he started treating my two older boys like second-class citizens. He was very strict, a complete neat freak, and even told my kids he hated them and they should go live with their grandmother, and often referred to them as my “dirtbag kids.”
At this point I was so trapped. I was hours from home, away from all my friends and family, I don’t know a soul in the area, he pays for everything, doesn’t want me working, I have no money, nothing — what could I do? I dealt with it. After all, he would always make up for the bad times, making me forget very quickly.
Christmas
We celebrated our son’s first birthday this past December. Shortly after his birthday, he gave me money to go Christmas shopping for all the kids. I returned home from the store to find things a bit out of place. Things were missing out of the house — weird things like clothing items, pictures, paperwork, court papers — he was gone again!
Now at this point, I totally knew what he was, and I could fully expect him to do this to me—but not to his son! How could he do this to that little boy that has grown to love his daddy so much? How could he do this to this little boy that he hugs and kisses and plays with every day? He is not a man—he is a monster!
He left without warning, without saying goodbye, knowing I didn’t have a dollar to my name. He didn’t care if his beautiful little boy had diapers, or milk, or food. I had to go to a local gas station and explain my situation to the clerk who was kind enough to give me a gallon of milk for the baby. Christmas came and went, and still no word. So I had a friend quietly Western Union me enough money to put gas in my car to take the kids to visit family out of state. I kept up the facade, felling my family things were fine, that he just didn’t feel like coming with us.
I got a little money from Christmas gifts and we returned to hour home — still empty. He never came home. I had to carry the baby up the driveway through 18 inches of snow because I don’t know anyone here or even have the money to have someone plow the road.
I have learned to spend what little that I have very wisely. I leave the house about every three days to get milk only, saving the gas in my car. I learned to water down the milk to make it last longer. I use wet paper towels in place of baby wipes. And I finally asked for help. I broke down to my sister and told her everything. She and her husband are coming for us this weekend. When I leave with them I will have a new cell phone and a safe house to go to with my kids. It is far from a nice place but it’s where I need to go to get my head right. It’s a step in the right direction.
All these years I put up with it, and it only took one action of heartlessness towards his son for me to realize he will never change.
Far from over
I know this is far from over. He is in Arizona again with his “other” family. I know when he gets bored with the wife again, he will come back with a thousand apologies. This time when he returns, he is coming home to an empty house. I know he will come looking for us. He will never let me go. He will never let his son go, even though he discarded us like trash. When he’s ready, he will be back, and I will be gone.
I know there will come a time I will have to face him. He will take me to court for our son. I just keep telling myself no judge in their right mind would give this man a baby! But then again, I know what he’s capable of, and always bragged of flings with prosecutors and lawyers, anything to have people on his side. I know he doesn’t want our son, he would do it just to have control.
He proved how much he really cared about this little boy when he walked out. This poor little guy walks around the house saying “Dada Dada.” He has no idea where his daddy is and is probably wondering why he left him. My heart bleeds for him. He doesn’t deserve a lifetime of this. That is why we are better off without him.
In love with an illusion
Right now, I am a living, breathing, walking mess. I go days without eating, til I have to force something down my throat just to gain energy. I’m either awake all night, not being able to sleep from the stress, or I’m passed out by 8 p.m., just overwhelmed by the day and the thoughts in my head. Some days I feel like I don’t have the strength to even take care of the baby. I try to play with him and make believe I’m happy, but even a one-year-old can sense mom’s not all right.
I am just trying to hold on until the cavalry comes this weekend. The saddest part of it all is that even though I have so much hate for him inside me, deep down there’s a part inside of me that wants to love that evil, heartless man. I know I am in love with an illusion. One lady wrote in a blog, “From hello to goodbye, it was all a lie.” I never heard truer words spoken.
Since he has been gone I’ve had several people knock at the door looking for car titles to vehicles he sold them, and one man furious over a $1,000 bounced check. I am hounded and haunted by people he has conned every day.
I pray that God gives me the strength to get through this, because I know it only takes one phone call, just the sound of his voice spilling out lies and excuses and empty promises to pull me back into his twisted web. I know I have a long road ahead of me, and that at some point, when I get settled into our new “home,” that I will probably need some kind of counseling. I also know it won’t be easy. I have so much pain inside my heart that I don’t want to face, and the wounds are still way too fresh. I know I have to stay strong and do what’s right for my boys.
Ya know, I often think back, and wonder how my life would have turned out if he never walked into the salon that day. Or if I left him the minute that woman answered the phone, claiming to be his wife — all the what ifs!
He stole a whole lot more than just the past eight years of my life. I am now 31 years old, with three kids, no job, no bank accounts, no home of my own, nothing to show for it, and $27.36 to my name.
And that is my story.
Learn more: Self-care for Complex PTSD
Lovefraud originally posted this letter on Jan. 6, 2011.
9 reasons why sociopaths blow your mind
SamJohnson,
I am not trying to say that what you are doing here isn’t important, just self-pitty should not last too long. Or else you are waisting your time(for that same bastard who has harmed you). I just don’t believe those people deserve that. They don’t deserve your time and your tears. The best thing is to forget and live on. That would be the best thing you can do for YOURSELF!
P.S. I don’t understand what happened with my previous post, maybe my internet is messing with me 🙂
KRZYLUV, I hope you are safe in your new place.
I am sorry you are going through all this pain,
but I am so happy you are away from this spath.
Please continue to post when you get settled in,
wonderful people here who are very supportive.
Krzyluv,
You are an eloquent, smart woman.
Just know that your words have helped another. So you have given strength to another weak soul through your story.
Please let us all know how you are doing. The child is always a blessing. I had my son with a sociopath and he is the greatest thing I ever did. I am amazed how much genes affect behavior. He often makes the EXACT same facial expressions his father did and he spent NO time with him. But THAT is as close as the resemblance comes. MY son is kind hearted, generous, thoughtful and HAS a conscience,….thank you very much!
It took me SIX years to get over his father, but I don’t think of him at all today and I’ll NEVER regret having my beautiful son. So you took a bad thing and so far two blessings…1) the child and 2) the help you have given others knowing we are not alone in the horrors caused by these unkind souls.
Peace Sister
I’d just like to comment that if ever there was an example of a “classic script” (read: pattern) of a, sic (read: sick) “relationship” with a sociopath- this is it! Ladies beware- if you are reading this and continuing to make excuses for enduring a one-way relationship much like this one….even if you are thinking something like “hmmm, well, mine isn’t that bad!” RUN! And run as fast as you can. Once these guys start manipulating law enforcement and the civil and criminal court system- you’re cooked! Mine had the police department, state’s attorney AND the judge in his back pocket. I don’t know how that pathetic, lying little creep convinced people who should know better- but a sociopath’s can and WILL charm the shoes, socks and feet off a shoe salesman! Never doubt or underestimate their influence.
KRZYLUV,
I haven’t been on LF in awhile and I am so glad your story was the first thing I read.
You are taking the first steps to freedom and know that you aren’t alone. I have been where you are, as have others on here. It’s scary at first to let go and move on. I understand the illusion. That is ALL that it is. I also lost a home, a car and more money than I care to think about.
It’s important to remember that whatever “love” he has for the son the two of you made together is there only to serve his purpose. I know that sounds cold, but I’ve been around this block and they don’t hesitate to use children as pawns. He did exactly that to you and it was done to myself and my son as well.
What do you do when the illusion is gone? I had a huge void when I finally got that and for a short time, I didn’t know what to do with it. I started filling it with good positive thinking, new beliefs and building my self=esteem in the process. If I missed anything, it was that. I’ve been working on that for awhile now and it’s better every day.
I agree with others on here. Don’t leave a forwarding address. Don’t give him your phone number, NOTHING. I am SO glad you have support through this. For many of us, the support we once had has fallen under the spell of the sociopath and we are left completely alone and on our own to get out.
I hope you are now in your safe place, starting life all over again and know that you aren’t alone. You are a brave person. It takes courage to do what you have done!
Hugs,
Cat
KRZYLUV,
Your story is so terribly sad. Just brutal. My heart breaks reading what he’s put you thru, what you’ve endured, & what you’re still going thru. As southernman’s video said, you just have to LET IT GO—especially the guilt, sweetheart! The thing that touches me the most is your expression of how hard it is to separate from him, from the past. The other new post on here, “Getting over that amazing chemistry”, talks about exactly what you’re feeling. And, believe me, every one of us here have suffered over the feeling of *separating* from what we felt was a storybook love. The relationship with a sociopath is So Intense that we’re able to deny everything that we KNOW is wrong with it, even after it’s over. I know that I still struggle with that….trying to reconcile the perception I had of it then, with the reality of it that I know now….that faulty perception that still creeps into my mind. It brings back the self-doubt & guilt & sense of loss. I have to FIGHT it. DAILY. And so do you. And one day you’ll look up & realize you’re free.
But it takes time. T I M E. Be gentle with yourself. Believe in yourself. Keep reaching out for help & affirmation & assurance. Remember that what you “once were”, you still are. You’ve always been strong, but you allowed him to restrain your strength, to make you mistrust yourself as a person apart from him & his “love”.
What you’re going thru now is Incredibly Painful. But you do have to go THROUGH IT, & YOU WILL.
All of us here have felt that pain—-have thot we would surely die from it…..but we didn’t. That’s why we “sound optimistic”. We’ve survived, & so will you. You ARE STRONG. And GOOD. Smart & caring & capable. And infinitely lovable. Love yourself & let yourself be loved.
Carry on, dear heart…..you can do it.
Hi there,
The very first thing you MUST do, as soon as you are financially able, is to get a parenting plan in place for yourself and the children. This will preclude him from having much standing in a divorce/custody battle.
I am sorry that this has happened to you – I, too, have tales quite similar. Thank goodness for the experience, but I would not wish these situations upon anyone.
You can find me in the resource guide – search for ” Child Advocate ” – email me, and perhaps we can shut him down well in advance of any legal action he might try against you.
I have had modest success with this listing in such varied states as PA, VA, FL, and CA – am certified in WA state as a Guardian ad Litem; I cannot guarantee complete victory, but will assist you in the process if you want or need help as a “pro se” – and help you to find, complete the forms, and file your case “IFP” [In Forma Pauperis] if that is possible where you are.
Stories such as yours really are the reason I got into the volunteer advocacy “business.” We cannot let the Psycho-narcisso-paths win.
Holding positive thoughts for you and your children!
Krzyluv
Fight like crazy for your son. I am glad I fought for mine. My son’s father was similar to your son’s father. Similar in that he told a good story to build himself up while he discredited me. His lies caught up with him.
He got to the point where he burned all his bridges and he committed suicide.
My son had not seen him in years. My son did not see the signs of suicide.
I imagine the man in his deluded mind did not know the truth from the fantasies that became his truth. It musta been hell in that mind. He leaped off the fourth floor of the casino parking structure to his death. He had gambled away his mothers savings. He had stolen $6000.00 out of her account earlier that day and he was found on sidewalk below with nothing on him but pocket change.
These crazy people we deal with, they are racing at full speed into a brickwall.
I took a playful look at my dating site. I went in under radar, meaning I didn’t sign in (so I wouldn’t be detected) I had plans to play elsewhere on computer but something trashed my night.
I saw that Jim wrote a hate bash against me in his dating site profile. I felt numb. He screwed up his chances of a potential date all for thrill of bashing me.
I will point out that I don’t think Jim knows I saw his profile cause I went in without signing in.
I wonder what does he have in store for me? I can’t believe that anyone would be so hateful in their dating profile after 6 months of breaking up.
My god, he doesn’t care that people see his anger. Of course the only one who knows he is bashing them is me. And I suppose the ones who catch on will find his humor funny.
I am afraid that he is really getting dangerous.
He posted some truths in his profile but mostly it is twisted out of proportion, or it is dilemas that he created for me. Or he just has to blast my dating profile to pieces. which is ok. I really didn’t put much hope in it…Haven’t met anyone worth meeting.
Damn I couldn’t win with him
He wrote in his profile the one holding a bottle of booze. That is me and I’m sure it is the only profile of it’s kind.
I used the 2008 picture of me at my daughters graduation.
He would offer to buy me beer with my money. He complained when I drank it. He dumped a cat on me. He complained that he is allergic. He complained if I got behind on changing the litter box.
He says I don’t raise my son right. But, he hasn’t had rights to see his kids before I met him. He is not caught up with his child support. I can’t say I raised my kids the best way but I got two college graduates.
He writes about using a weed-wacker for grooming. He would complain about every hair I missed, he was that focused and obsessed with me. Then I got to the point when I didn’t bother. I sit home alone on weekends why bother to groom. And, then when I did shave he said I was sending him mixed-signals, he told me this mixed signal thing when he was trying to get me to lay down with him on grassy area in front of a row of houses in broad day light.
Good sex? He is a handicap in sex and expects her to make an exception for him. Grab his stinky balls and massage them while massaging his nipples and somehow smile in his face….which is what he expected, he would keep saying smile!. Yep all three things. And, this was compromise! In our earlier relationship he expected me to strip. I told him to go to hell. After he figured out I meant it he lightened up.
He calls my house a pig sty. He lives on top of garbage. I offered to help him clean it. He said we would have to start with cleaning the walls and ceilings, from one end of the house to the other. Meaning he has to control the clutter below until he can get to it on another day.
He is a ass. My only fear is WHY IS HE MAKNG THIS HIS MAIN PROFILE. My profile has nothing to say about him. My profile is funny.
I really think I am in danger.
Easy going laid back middle age dude that loves to laugh and looks at the bright side of things not into “drama mama’s” or mean drunks. Like to do a wide range of things like working on homes, fixing things, learning new things and way’s. At times I do like to shoot pool or darts even though I don’t drink much. Watch movies, a little bit of football, History channel,Discovery channel. I do like comedies and do like to laugh and am open to new idea’s.I don’t mean to sound like a jerk or pig but….. if you need a weed whacker to trim your legs or arm pits just look else where… if you need to drink at least 12 beers everyday…. keep looking else where…. if you think good sex is you just laying there while I do everything… keep looking else where…. if your house is such a pig sty ( i am far from a neat freak ) and smell like a litter box… look elsewhere, if you think you need to repeat/complain about other guys you have been with in the last 35 years every time we are together… look else where, if you are too lazy and drunk to deal with your own kids… keep looking, if all you want is someone to do all the work on your home…. keep looking elsewhere, and if this sounds like you and if you are holding a bottle of booze in your pic…. keep looking, if you fit all the above, you need serious help.
First Date
Would depend on weather and the woman that I would be meeting. Basically open for suggestions and ideas but not into rap crap or phonies………………
Rule’s number 1, 2 & 3
No contact!
No contact!
No contact!
After I TRO my ex SP out of my life I googled sociopath and became super empowered as I learned what I was dealing with. You too can win this game by following rules 1-3! He knows these rules well and will move on quickly.