Editor’s note: The following story was received from a reader whom we’ll call “Violet” about her experience with a long grift, not of money, but of intimacy.
I knew L when we worked together at a call centre as customer service representatives. He seemed nice, and he had lovely, expressive brown eyes and a gentle nature. I was losing weight at the time, and he asked for my help, so of course I gave him advice and tips. He began to lose weight, and he invited me over to his and his girlfriend, M’s, apartment for dinner and to show him some ‘exercise moves’ (now I think it was mostly an excuse to ogle me). He looked at me very intently, it wasn’t menacing, but I definitely felt like he wanted to do more than just watch me.
At work he would call me over sometimes and tell me that he thought of me as a ‘really good friend.’ I would thank him, but I thought it was a strange thing to say because we didn’t know each other very well. The call centre was a gossip mill, and someone had told me that L and his girlfriend were into threesomes. That’s not my thing, but I don’t judge, and I didn’t think much of it at the time. I also got in touch with an old friend that had known L and M at another call centre. She told me that L had asked her to be in a threesome. She politely declined, but the incident got him fired (he eventually told me this). Again, I didn’t think much about it, but I did think that it was a bit careless to ask a co-worker to have sex with you and your girlfriend, to say the least.
I left work to go back to school, and I would get e-mails from him every so often. I would send a polite reply. Last year, he and his girlfriend moved to my city so she could go to school, and L and I went out for dinner. It was at this time that I realized that he liked me as more than a friend, so I decided to find out what kind of relationship he had with M. He told me it was open, and that M said that he could do whatever he wanted as long as he never left her. That didn’t seem very open to me, but I figured it was an arrangement that worked for them.
Friends with benefits
He said he wanted a ‘friends with benefits’ relationship with me. But he would lay on the sweet talk really thick. He would say I was a beautiful white dove with eyes of light, that when he thought about me he didn’t want a cigarette, I was a copy of Eve, I was Aphrodite, I was even an angel. But we still didn’t know each other that well, and his compliments were too dime store romance novel for my taste, although they made me feel good about myself.
Read more: Why sociopaths cheat
I tried to get to know him better. I knew that his father had died, but he didn’t talk about him much, which I found odd, but I chalked it up to masculine reserve (we always find an excuse, don’t we?). He had wanted to be a minister, and had been in a Master’s program, but he gave me a vague answer about why he dropped out. I thought it was strange that someone who desired a religious vocation would be content drifting to various call centre jobs for the past ten years. He also never had any ideas for activities, I always had to make suggestions, and it seemed like he relied on other people for entertainment because he didn’t know how to entertain himself. It was as if he had no inner life.
He would also look at me with such (I thought at the time) longing it was unnerving, but now I think it was also a predatory gaze. At one point the sweet talk was too intense and I told him to tone it down. He seemed so sad after that, he said he was patient, but he said he was patient a lot, and that bothered me. He was always online and he messaged me constantly to see how I was doing. There were red flags waving at me, but I thought he was very sweet and attentive, and he seemed like he desperately needed a friend and some affection. Once I decided I could ignore his lack of ambition and it was only a friends with benefits relationship that wasn’t going to go anywhere anyway, I let him know that I wanted to be intimate with him. That part was very nice (I’ve noticed that other writers on the site mention that the sex is often good). Our sexual relationship lasted for three months.
Open relationship?
L seemed to really like me, but he could only see me when M was away, he told me she was seeing her girlfriend on the side (she was bisexual, he said). If it was really open, I wondered, then why can he only see me when she’s somewhere else? The only time L spent the night with me was a weekend M was away. He spent one night at my house, and he didn’t call her, she thought he had died, he told me. The next night, I went to their apartment and L called her while I was there, but he didn’t mention that I was in the apartment with him. He wanted me to sleep with him in their bed.
By this time he had started complaining to me about M, and I was beginning to hate her (I never thought that way about her before, she seemed nice, but very depressed). But I couldn’t sleep in their bed, it seemed like too great a violation of their relationship, so I made an excuse and left. I think that he didn’t want to be alone when M was gone, and any warm body would do. Once we started having sex, L talked to me online less and less, sometimes just sending a ‘check-in’ e-mail. I felt like I was being used, that I was giving him something M couldn’t, because he told me they hadn’t had sex in a long time. That didn’t bother me much until I realized I wanted an actual boyfriend, and it couldn’t be him because he would never leave M, and we weren’t compatible anyway.
At this time I made plans to meet him but he couldn’t because he was in a tight financial spot, so I said we shouldn’t make plans until his money situation improved. (Also, he told me that his sisters gave him some money but had turned him down when he asked for more, he then asked me for $20-$30, which I thought was in bad taste so I said no, my refusal and his lack of money didn’t seem to bother him very much.) He e-mailed me back saying that he agreed we should wait until he had more money, but then he said I was the most important thing in his life and he didn’t want to lose me. At first, I was flattered, but then I really thought about what he said. How could I be the most important thing in his life when he barely talks to me and he’s living with another woman? It defied all logic. If I saw red flags before, I was hearing sirens now, too.
Break-up e-mail
After a lot of deliberation, I sent him an e-mail (we rarely spoke on the phone, which also bothered me, if he liked me so much, wouldn’t he want to talk to me more often?) telling him I wanted an actual boyfriend, I felt like I was being used, and that being with me would not fix the problems he has with M. I was harsh, but I told the truth. I had hoped he would apologize and we could go back to being friends, or at least end on good terms. A few hours later I get an e-mail from M, telling me that they had been together for over ten years (he never told me that), that she loves him (he told me that they were together mostly to split cost of living, and that he thought no one cared about him) and that our friends with benefits relationship never happened, because if it did ‘he would have told me.’
I was devastated. He had lied to me and to the woman he presumably loves and has been with for over a decade. I have tried to piece together what may have happened. From what M wrote, he probably read my e-mail, and he was afraid I would tell M what we did (I never would have told her, he made me think she was a bad person), he most likely told her I had a ‘crazy idea’ that we had had sex, and that I wanted them to break up. He probably made me sound delusional. Maybe he even suggested that she write me an e-mail to ‘set me straight.’ She ended her e-mail with ‘If you want a boyfriend, I suggest you find someone single.’ I never replied to her, but I did send him another e-mail that said I was removing him from my facebook profile and blocking his e-mail. I haven’t contacted him since, and he hasn’t tried to talk to me.
The girlfriend didn’t know
It was at this point that I realized that M had no idea that L had visited me many times at my house. She thinks we only went to dinner once or twice and went for a few walks. I also realized that I thought M was a horrible person based on what L told me. I once went to their apartment and while he was in another room taking a phone call, she showed me family pictures; it seemed like she really loves and cares about L and his family. L once told me he thought M and I were a lot alike. He cited our love for animals, but I think it was really because we’re both nice, decent girls with shaky self-esteem, and he thought he could use me for sex, and he uses M because she gives him some semblance of a normal family life, and does things like cook for him.
I don’t know how much he even liked me, I think he got off on the thrill of deceiving M, and he thought I would be a willing partner because I like to believe I’m a free thinker and being in an open relationship intrigued me. Although I was raw for about a week, and I wondered if he had lied to me about everything (did he really think I was beautiful?), talking to my friends about what happened has helped me a lot. My roommate has since told that me he never liked L, because when they spoke he thought L was subtly trying to bend him to his will, and he reminded him of his ex, who was abusive and had tried to kill him. It was then that I started thinking that L was a psychopath, and I found the Love Fraud website. I’m not sure if L is a total psychopath, but his ability to lie to his long-time girlfriend and using her to hurt me makes me think he has enough of those awful traits to be dangerous.
I realize that I loved L, but actually, I loved a fantasy; a sweet man caught in an open but troubled relationship he felt he couldn’t leave, and he made me feel like I was wonderful for showing him so much affection and understanding. I am getting over the illusion, but I worry about M, who is still trapped in his dreamland. Maybe she really is rotten, and maybe they deserve each other, but I can’t imagine what he’s done to her over the years. I believe he played the ‘wounded bird’ routine with me when it is really M who is abused in the relationship.
I worry he might try to hurt her, or someone else he gets involved with. I want to contact her to tell her my side of the story, but I know she will only think that I’m crazy, and if she questions him, he’ll twist my words around to his benefit. I’m trying hard to let that urge to contact her go. Unfortunately, she will have to figure it out for herself, because psychopaths are good liars, but they’re not that good. His mask will slip eventually. I don’t worry that he will contact me again, as other psychopathic exes on this site have done, because he knows that I can no longer be manipulated. I’m sure he has moved on and doesn’t even think about me.
Psychopathy
The funny/sad thing is that I have a degree in psychology, and I specialized in abnormal psychology. I’ve read a great deal of the literature on psychopathy, and one of my professors even worked with Dr. Robert Hare. I was fooled, and I feel foolish. Despite friends who know both L and I telling me it was a bad idea to go out with him, despite knowing he had hit on other girls, I went out with him anyway. L seemed so sincere, but the more I thought about the odd intensity of his words and actions, and how they didn’t match up, something told me it wasn’t right. I could never get those little red flags to stop waving in my head. But I think I had to figure that out for myself.
I consider myself lucky that I was the ‘Other Woman’ and not in M’s position; I couldn’t imagine ten years with him. I hope M finds peace and happiness, and as for L, I don’t think he will ever know what love feels like, because psychopaths are a different species. I don’t think they are completely human. Some people on this website describe them as ‘broken,’ but psychopaths were never functioning to begin with. They can’t change, but we can teach ourselves and others their tricks and avoid them as much as possible, and that’s empowering.
I’m sure that there are other psychopaths who are using the open relationship model to lure partners who could never be with a cheater. An open relationship is a perfect cover for a psychopath; because often, the secondary partner isn’t integrated into their lives like the primary partner is, and their family and friends often don’t know it’s open. L’s family didn’t know, and although I wanted to meet his family and friends and vice versa, I knew I couldn’t as the secondary partner. If I had, maybe I would have figured out something was wrong, sooner.
In hindsight, I should have never have taken L’s word that M was okay with an open relationship, I should have asked her directly (as awkward as that would have been), but I’m sure he would have made an excuse as to why she didn’t want to talk about it. I came out of the ‘relationship’ with L relatively unscathed, and what I have taken away from my experience is: don’t feel bad for trusting people every once in a while. We’ve all trusted people before and it turned out well, and it will again. I’m not jaded, but I’m definitely wiser. I think these lyrics sum up my experience best:
I’m just another john you gypped
another sucker stiffed
A walk on role in the script
to your long, long grift
The love that had me in your grip
was just a long, long grift
“Long Grift,” from Hedwig and the Angry Inch
Learn more: Survivor’s guide to healthy people and healthy relationships
Lovefraud originally posted this story on July 10, 2010.
LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: Lost and really need help
Dear Healing,
Next time you decide to date someone, get a back ground check, a private investigator is quite a bit cheaper than a divorce! LOL I am glad that you did escape though! Even knowing them in RL doesn’t guarentee that you won’t get hooked bay a bad one, I had casually kinown my BF P for about 10 years, he was in my living history group and everyone seemed to like him. But I didn’t really know him, though early on the year I met him, he did sort of come on to me, but everyone is very friendly with each other, and even if I was there by myself and my husband not along, I always made sure that the GUYS ALL KNEW I was married and NOT looking. But that first year I met him, I remember kind of feeling like he was kind of “coming on”—but after that year he was friendly but not anything out of line or even enough to make my “spidey sense” go off.
The year after my husband died, I ran into him again at a big event that lasted 12 days and he was really around our camp a lot, then started courting me after the event was over. Of course I fell for that right off the bat (he was divorced by then) I found out later the REASON he was divorced is his wife of 32 years FINALLY caught him red handed.
The problem was I was hooked before I found out about all his dirty secrets…next time (if there is a next guy) I’ll know a LOT about him by the 3rd or 4th date. LOL
healingfast—I wish we could be as sure of people as we are ourselves. I met my S-ex on Yahoo personals, and while he was proclaiming his undying love and devotion to me, I found he was on Yahoo, POF, a Catholic singles site and True, and oh yeah, Craigslist, and those are just the ones I know about.
In regards to your oj story, remember The Runaway Bride?? Maybe the choice of how she liked her eggs was not malicious intent, and only desperation, but my Mr Not So Wonderful is one of those who will say “am comfortable in any situation” and as far as likes or interests “open to anything”. I found that this just leaves the door wide open for them to adjust to what it is you like, seem comfortable and that they are loving themselves and you beyond measure, when the reality is quite a bit different.
Oxdrover;
Been a bit down due to the heat wave. I suffer from a rare form of seasonal affected disorder in that summer heat can make me extremely depressed. Perhaps this is why I was cutting Jamie too much slack recently, as it seems that when my mood is good I see that whole relationship far more objectively. Thankfully, the heart is good!
You are right in that I was trying to turn a snake into a puppy. You said make a list of the things I don’t like about — funny, these are the red flags I had from the start.
Within one half hour of meeting him, I did not like that he drank too much, smoked and was a flight attendant.
Within one hour, I saw evidence of covert-agressive behavior.
If I had just opened my eyes, I would have also realized then and there he was HIV, as after I mentioned some of my health problems, he told me his recent exam only showed high triglycerides which struck me as unusual for a relatively young, thin person. Thus, I did not like that he did not seem to be taking care of himself.
Yes, I saw a “project.” When he began to mirror me, I thought there was a connection that did not really exist. I was merely there to fill some void, and when I started getting too close to exposing him, he bolted.
Why did I willingly take on this project? First and foremost, I was needy at that time. Second, there were many similarities in our experiences and likes, which is probably I “matched” so high with him on the dating website.
My advice to everyone is that experiencing a sociopath (or otherwise “toxic” person) often leads to depression in the victim. Only when the depression is properly treated an din remission can a victim objectively assess the relationship.
Dear behind_blue_eyes,
That is odd that you get a seasonal affective problem from heat, so if you are not on an anti-depressant, maybe you should see a psych doc (rather than your family doc) and see what they think about the depression.
Many times people who have SAD of any kind also have a LOW level of depression all year as well, but it only becomes more apparent during the SAD episodes. Yea, I tell you the HEAT and HUMIDITY saps me too.
Glad your heart is doing well, too. Exercise so important as well as treating your depression. There are some OLD SSRIs that are cheap and reliable (I try to avoid “new” medications if I can) and do a great job. Also, cardiac patients tend to have depression as well. We (medical professionals) call them CARDIAC ARSEHOLES and believe me there is a reason for that it isn’t just a once in a while thing and most of the crankyness is from depression or a PTSD-like result after open heart or bypass surgery. So really, check with a psych doc and see if that might not help your problems all around.
I’ve had to start on BP medication lately. Family history of LOW blood pressure but my egg donor got SUDDEN hypertension about age 60, went through the roof, mine has crept up, so I got on medication about 3-4 months ago and mine is back down now where it is VERY LOW (which was normal for me) so I have decreased the BP medication and check the BP3-4 X daily to see how it is doing. Is still very low, but not bottoming out. I want to take the least amount of medication and the safest medication I can.
Do as much as I can with exercise and diet, and stress reduction and good sleep habits. It is amazing how much lots of things I have noticed are BETTER. Silly little thing I just noticed is that I am having to CUT and file my finger nails, they are HARD AS ROCKS. I’ve always had thin fragile nails, but now they are doing better. Connection? Can’t prove it maybe, but there are lots of things that are better now. Stomach, aches and pains, sinus allergies, and so on, just haven’t been sick much. No colds. And even when son D came home with some kind of CRUD, I got a bit of a sore throat, but it only lasted ONE day and that was it. My immune system is working! WOW! What a concept!
So TAKE CARE OF YOU!!!! And I know that isn’t always easy (ask me how I know????? LOL) When we get our selves in better shape I think we start to be less needy! (((hugs))))
It seems Im still invisible. Thanks guys. G.Night. Love, gem.
Thanks Ox!
Next time I will go through a battery of check systems! He used his relationship with his ex-wife as a ploy to snare me. He said she helped him get on the site and he read to her my first response to him after he had sent me an email. When I wanted to talk to her, he didn’t know where she was or where she went. I just left it at that. I thought well since she’s gotten on with her life and a new relationship why bother her with her past. Never again!! There were things that I didn’t check. He claimed to have divorced her because she weighed too much after nine years of marriage. I thought it was strange. He said there were other things too, but then I mentioned that he brought the weight issuse up first and he wormed his way around that. The first thing he leveled at me when he revealed his twisted side was my weight. There’s a pattern!!
I can no longer walk around just believing that people will be honest enough to open up. People will have to earn trust.
Thanks again!
Shana31
You are so right!! When I think about conversations it was like “well, we’ll wait until that happens and deal with it then” “I don’t worry about things like that” or “You shouldn’t think that way”. Always vague or twisting things around to make it seem as if I was viewing things wrong.
They hold no issue with lying about their religious beliefs to get to you. He was a good conversationalist at first, but later when Mr. malovelent came out, he clearly ignored any rules or regulations in our religious beliefs. When I would bring up scripture to justify my position he would continue to counter with stuff from him, but couldn’t find anything to justify his behavior from a religious point of view. That’s when I knew he was really crazy, plus an idiot. He couldn’t scratch past the surface and I would counter again and he would bring up the same exact point that he did 2 minutes earlier that didn’t work. Hellooooo!! If it didn’t work 2 minutes ago, what made you think it would work now!!?? He would try to shift the subject, but I would stick and stick hard and he couldn’t shake me.
Eventually I gave him an option: Either get help for your sickness or we will file for divorce. He chose to file for divorce to which I happily obliged, which was the exact opposite of what he expected.
I’m so glad to be getting over this loser!
geminigirl,
It may just be me, but your posting seems kind of passive-aggressive. I started to write back from your first post, but you stated that you were going to leave for awhile, so I didn’t think you would get my note. So you threatened to leave, but you really didn’t leave? So I’m a little confused as to how you feel you are still being ignored.
I like what Oxy said regarding the trust conversation. I went into this last relationship with blind faith in everything he said, but realized afterward, that he had used that faith as a way to betray me. He would use those classic lines like If we don’t have trust, we don’t have anything, You can count on me, We are a couple and there is nothing we can’t handle together, blah, blah, f’ing blah!! When the whole time, he was going behind my back on dating sites. Today is his birthday and I would love to send him some hate mail or some rotten birthday wishes, but I am going to maintain NC, the day is half over, and I have been a good girl! I’m about to go brave this miserable south Louisiana heat with the two best things he left me with, a bike and an i-pod.
There has to be someone here with a birthday today, so I am wishing you the best and brightest of blessings. 🙂
Keep it up Shana31!
You’ll be fine! I can relate to exactly how you feel. I actually faltered. I called and hung up. The first time it was to see if he still had the same phone and the second time was because I knew it would send him in a paranoid whirlwind. Not my most shining hour. He sent an email after the first time trying to coax info out to see if it was me. I never responded. He has not heard from me. He doesn’t know what I’m doing. He doesn’t know who I have talked to. He has no control.
I learned that as long as I continue to focus on hurting him or lashing out at him, the less time I spend on healing me. Even if you did talk to him and just unload everything you’ve felt about him and what he did, it would just be used as narcissistic supply. It’s the silence that kills them!
So good for you sticking with NC. It’s not easy, but we’re all here!!!!