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By | June 23, 2010 68 Comments

LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: Lost and really need help

Editor’s note: Lovefraud received the following e-mail from a reader who posts as BentNotBroken.

My head is so full that I don’t really know where to start.

I dated a man (off and on) for 2-1/2 years, and recently found out that he was having several long-term relationships at the same time. I had never been in an abusive relationship, so I didn’t know what the gut-wrenching feeling meant. I didn’t know to trust it.

My mind is playing tricks on me at this point. Is he or isn’t he? The signs are so obvious, but then I think of his face, his touch, his words, and I melt. How can this man ”¦ this love of my life ”¦ how could he have done all those horrible things? My friends tell me to just forget him. Ignore him. But it’s harder than that. It hurts so much. I was completely fooled. Well, if I’m honest ”¦ not completely fooled. My instincts were screaming at me, telling me there was something wrong, but I didn’t have enough confidence in myself to listen or walk away. I justified. Women are so good at that. I also couldn’t prove anything. He is a very good liar, and was able to keep us all separate. At least for a while.

We “broke up” last November. His way of breaking up was to just disappear. He promised me the world, then just quit calling. Again. So this time I just let him go. He had done it before, but always came back. Usually used his young daughter as bait. He knew how much I loved that little girl, and he would send a picture or a text and pretend like nothing ever happened. He waited just long enough for me to forget. But this time, he didn’t come back. By the end of January it was eating me alive. The Why of it all. I had begged him to just say goodbye. To tell me the truth. But he never did. He just professed his love over and over.

So I started searching and found his daughter’s mother online. The mother my ex always said was psycho. Well, finding her opened a huge can of worms. As the story unfolded, I found a trail of lies and deceit and disgust. I had always kept a diary because his behavior was so erratic. I found that he had been with two or three of us within a 24 hour period. He had 5 children with 4 different women (that I know of), and one woman has recently claimed she is pregnant.

I could go on forever explaining all the horrible things he did to me. But I’m sure you’ve heard it many times before. I recently found your site, but only after I had let him back into my life. When I discovered his lies, he began to threaten me (indirectly of course). So I changed my keycode and changed my phone number and blocked his emails, etc. Then as I continued to talk to his most recent girlfriend (who kept going back to him) he started to play us both. He would call her in the middle of the night and ask if she talked to me saying that I was trying to destroy his life, etc., etc.

One day I had had enough, so I emailed him and told him off. Well, of course that just opened the door for him. The back and forth emails started, and I finally called him to just end things. Say goodbye. And he sucked me right back in. I have since ended all contact with the other woman. I tried blocking his number, and that just made him more determined. He emailed over and over, and I finally gave in and unblocked him.

So now he has my number again, and I know he’s just trying to keep me under his thumb. I try to ignore him, but if I do he calls my work, shows up at work, and even showed up in front of my house at 3 am last weekend. He’s trying to make me feel sorry for him. He loves me, needs my help, promises to change, is willing to do what it takes, blah blah. I know it’s all lies, but at this point I don’t know how to break free! I am afraid that if I am blunt with him he will try even harder. If I am nice, he will suck me back in. If I just ignore him, he will show up at my work or home.

I desperately want to be free, and at the same time I ache for him. I honestly don’t know how to break free. I was doing so well. I went out with friends Friday night, and he called six times. I did not answer. As soon as I got home he called every 2 minutes. Finally he left a message saying, “You CAN answer.”

So the next time I did. He said he had been driving around all night and couldn’t go home until he saw me. He needed a hug. He wanted to see my face. “Come to the door, I just want a hug.” I opened the door, finally, and he held me. It felt so good. I made him leave with tears in my eyes. I was proud of myself for not letting him in. But he knew he had me then. He knew because of the tears that I was under his control.

How do I resist this?! I don’t know how to let him go. I’ve read so much on this site my brain hurts. Nobody understands how devastating this is. “You’re beautiful and loving and smart, and you deserve better.” Whatever. And my phone is ringing as I type. The 11 pm call. He knows I’m tired, vulnerable, alone. He probably just left another woman’s house to “shower and pack clothes for tomorrow.”

How the hell did this end up being my life? I plan on getting books as soon as I get paid, but for now I just need an understanding soul. I need to be able to obsess and write and get it all out until it makes sense.


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bulletproof

BentNotBroken

I understand the need to be allowed obsess and write until it makes sense, so I promise NOT to tell you what you “should” do.

“How do I resist this?! I don’t know how to let him go”

well stay with ‘ just don’t know’, and I’m with you. I hear you, and stay with you not knowing and really admit I do not know either..I trust you though, I trust if given the time you can work it through…..you know how devastating it is, you are not in denial, you are totally in ‘vulnerable’, and that’s actually when we are the strongest. Maybe you need to go back in, maybe you don’t but whatever you do….I can understand…take your time, touch base with who you are, see what’s real and tap into the wealth of wisdom here..I know what it’s like to “ache” for him, it’s gut wrenching, it’s agony, it’s searing pain and HE can instantly remove the pain by holding you in the beautiful illusion, and you know don’t give it up until you want to…your choice always,take the support that is offered here, take it and see if it can support you enough to sense the next move…bless and take care x

BentNotBroken

Thank you! So much. That was a very vulnerable night, right there. Feeling much stronger today, but have not yet decided what my next steps will be. Right now I’m basically being cordial and keeping an emotional distance. Getting texts mosty, things like “have a great day” and “keep a smile on that beautiful face.” I do not know his number by heart, so I delete all records of calls and texts right away. This helps in my weakest moments when I am tempted to call or text him.

The realization that he is a P only occurred a week ago, thanks to this site, so I am still absorbing it all. It is extremely helpful to look at this “situation” from a different perspective. I guess it takes the emotion out of it. The Why isn’t quite as important now, knowing that since I am a normal person with normal insticts and feelings, I cannot even try to understand exactly how he thinks. And I don’t have to feel sorry for him anymore.

It really does help to know that there are others who understand. I appreciate the comments so much. You are my lifeline.

Elizabeth Conley

Everybody needs help every once in a while. I suggest you get some professional help.

1. Consider getting a private security company to give you advice on how to deal with a stalker. Take the advice. You’re being stalked. I don’t care if he isn’t overtly threatening or violent. He’s violating your space and your psyche. Treat him like the Freak O’ Nature he is. Just because he’s not violent doesn’t mean you aren’t being violated. You’re under reacting because he’s non-violent in the rational sense that we understand violence. Stop that! If you’re done with him, he needs to go away. MAKE him go away! Get a security professional to help you. Be prepared to spend a moderate amount of money on this. (150-1000 dollars)

2. Do not associate with anyone who associates with your stalker. (Yep, that’s what he is. Don’t mince words any more.) If you must associate with someone who associates with the stalker, keep your communication all business. Reveal as little as possible to this person about yourself or ANY new developments in your life.

3. Become the most boring woman the stalker knows. Don’t be attractive, don’t be interesting, don’t be clever. Be dull. Really, really dull.

4. Refuse to talk about him to anyone except the professional/s helping you solve the problem. Commiserate only with the people here on Lovefraud.

5. When you buy those books, buy books that are heavy in advice about how to set and maintain your boundaries. Your stalker is possibly the worst boundary violator I’ve ever read about. He gets away with it because of his alternating tactics of charm and emotional neediness. I think he’s possibly more insidiously evil than a physically violent predator.

I’ll be in your corner. This stalker of yours is a really nasty piece of work. You’re in a great deal of trouble. I hope you get free and learn to thrive again.

BentNotBroken

Elizabeth

Wow. Being validated is certainly much better than being violated! Thank you!

Although, I may have some trouble with #3. I’m just so witty and all ;-).

bluejay

Dear BentNotBroken,

What I have figured out is that when you “tell them off,” their brains are wired so that they “don’t get it,” what you’re so p.o.’d about, going in circles with them. This man is not going to change – your gut is right, having NO CONTACT with him is the way to go, giving yourself the chance to heal (clearing your head of all his toxic nonsense). You have my sympathy. These people are from another planet, creating chaos and pandemonium down here on earth.

Elizabeth Conley

“I may have some trouble with #3. I’m just so witty and all . ”

Sister, if you’re normally the life of the party, this can be a real hoot. The next time he succeeds in getting you to answer the door or the phone, affect absolute exhaustion. You ah-are soooo tiy-yerd. That, and you’re OTR, have miserable cramps, a headache, and you might be coming down with the flu, or Lupus, or some other lifelong debilitating complaint like chronic fatigue syndrome… …so tired.

You’d love to talk of course. You are willing to talk about your physical complaints ad nauseum. Every topic reminds you of one of your minor, boring and hopefully disgusting maladies. Drone, drone, drone…

Ox Drover

I’m on a reading kick lately about stalkers and how to avoid them….read 5 books lately on this and will be coming up in due time with a report on them.

ANY contact, even saying “I hate you, get the fark away from me!” is as far as the stalker’s brain is, the same as I LOVE YOU, COME IN. So as we all know NO CONTACT is the only way to hopefully get the message across.

So, no answering the phone unless you KNOW WHO IS CALLING and it is not him. YOUR voice NOT the one on the answering machine (even hearing a recording of your voice may egg them on).

Change phone numbers or block them if you can.
Change e mail addresses or block him if you can.

Make sure your home is secure so he can’t get in and tamper with your computer.

Motion lights outside your house, car in secure location, always locked, etc.

Keep copies of phone/text and e mail and a log of all attempted contacts for filing police report.

FILE restraining order. A real pain in the butt, but do it.

If you end up having to move, there are various ways you can do it and not leave a paper trail, especially if you are being stalked. California, for one state, will actually help you CHANGE YOUR NAME SS# and other things to help keep you safe.

DON’T UNDERESTIMATE THE RAGE IN THESE INDIVIDUALS when they lose control over you.

wheresmylife

BentnotBroken, Hugs to you, I do think that you will find your way in this and figure this out. Be patient and kind to yourself through this.

I also recently found this site and am still trying to decide if my man is a Sociopath. There are several of the traits that fit him, but not all. The thing that fits so well though, is the bad feeling that I have had since we met. A feeling that I just ignored but can’t quite put my finger on. I remember thinking at times that I was trying to love and have a deep meaningful relationship with a crocodile, you know trying to be all soft and cuddly while he was trying to eat me alive. But I never really understood why I thought that, it was just a feeling that I couldn’t put my finger on or quite grasp. I just discovered that he is cheating on me and I know that there may be more than one. I also know that he is lying to all of us. He lies about small things, dumb things and tries to convince me of the lies. Usually, it is so insignificant I just let it go. He moved very fast in our relationship, and he has borrowed quite a bit of money while he gets his business off the ground. About $4000

He does work very hard though, and has paid me back a little of the money. He has never abused me physically or called me names.

I do know that there are degrees of this and so maybe he has some traits that do not fit while others do fit. Is that possible?

I am not trying to be in denial, but I am trying to understand and be sure that I am not over reacting.

My heart goes out to all of you and I am very glad to have found this site. I know that I will need this and all of you as I confront him and work through this.

Wheresmylife:

If your instincts are telling you that you’re trying to love a crocodile who wants to eat you alive, listen to them. That’s how we get in trouble – by overriding our instincts.

Your instincts are the best warning system you’ve got. Do not sell them short.

BentNotBroken

Wheresmylife:

I agree with Donna! I didn’t trust my instincts either. The man I knew did not curse or call me names. He never screamed or yelled at me. He always had cash. He always “took care of me” first. That is why it was so hard to believe my gut. But my gut led me to one of the Others, and she told me he was the same with her in the beginning. Their relationship had grown into a physically, verbally abusive one. I was actually there to witness one of his verbal attacks and I couldn’t believe my ears. It was like night and day. He treated her children poorly after a short period of time, as well as her pets. He also had major financial problems. So, trust the gut. It knows!

bulletproof

Yes the gut is the seat of knowing with the whole body, not just the mind which is very logical and rational.

The P was brilliant and unsurpassed in twisting the truth using razor sharp logic and rational which really made me, at times look like a fool for not trusting him, and believing him in the end…

The P could not understand how I sensed with my empathic knowing, my gut, my instinct… exactly what he was doing at some level..and could call him on it regardless of what he said at the end.

His cheery loving compassionate self kind of dissolved like the wicked witch of the East….and what was standing there instead was really really scary..whatever it was it had NO HEART and that is why I would never go near him again…no court would touch evil like that…and I know not everyone is willing to admit it exists.

BentNotBroken

bluejay

“What I have figured out is that when you “tell them off,” their brains are wired so that they “don’t get it,” what you’re so p.o.’d about, going in circles with them.”

This totally explains why any kind of response from him opens the door again and he thinks he’s in. You are so right…any attention at all is reinforcing the fact that he is in my thoughts. Great insight!!

wheresmylife

Mine was always so calm in the beginning. That is part of what pulled me in, his calmness and patience. I understand what you are saying also BentNotBroken, that it is so hard to let go. My common sense brain tells me to push him out of my life, he cheated on me and lied to me. But something in my heart keeps holding on, each day, I think just one more day and I will confront him and end this.

I am not an addict of any kind and never have been, but I suppose that this is very like what it feels like to quit something you are addicted to.

You are all right though, always listen to your gut. It really doesn’t lie to us ~ does it?

BentNotBroken

Oxy

“So, no answering the phone unless you KNOW WHO IS CALLING and it is not him. YOUR voice NOT the one on the answering machine (even hearing a recording of your voice may egg them on).”

This one made sense to me, and I did do this the first time. I found a way to block specific phone numbers, and he heard “This caller is not available at this time.” Unfortunately, that just made him more angry. But I only waited a few days, so when I block him again I will be sure to wait longer and be stronger when he resorts to other ways to find me.

Right now I am taking Donna’s advice and being limp and boring. If I do respond, it’s monotone. I think that once he realizes I’m not playing he will set me aside for someone more exciting. This approach is also giving me some time to think and not do anything stupid. I am out of the “stupid spot” and I don’t want to go back!

My home is secure but I don’t have motion lights outside yet (it’s on my list). Luckily, my car is in an attached garage, and I always close it.

I do have copies of phones/texts and emails and a log of all attempted contacts for filing police report in case I need one.

Thank you for all of the great advice! I find myself thinking about him less and less as I think about the words on this site.

BentNotBroken

bulletproof

The one thing that strikes me as I read comments on this site (including yours) is that everyone here is intelligent, literate, and compassionate. That alone makes me feel like I’m not the fool in all this. Reading your words is like reading my own thoughts. I am so glad I found a place where people really do understand.

You have transformed my own thoughts into words that make more sense. It is SO what I need right now and I thank you from the bottom of my open heart.

bluejay

BentNotBroken,

This man already has a lot of DRAMA going on in his life, (the past and present speaking loudly and clearly), cluing you in to what to expect from him in the future, undending DRAMA. He doesn’t care about all the chaos (he’s reckless) that he’s created not only in his own life but in the lives of others who have become involved with him. He doesn’t “see it,” therefore he’ll keep playing the same game(s) over-and-over again, deriving some sort of satisfaction from all the messes that he creates. There are better people in the world to spend your time (and energy) with (as you already know). Let him go. Peace. I wish you the best.

wheresmylife

BentNotBroken,

I have also noticed that everyone here is intelligent and compassionate and it does help to not feel foolish. As intelligent capable people we always feel that we will be smart in relationships and these types of things could not happen to us, but yet they do.

It sounds like you are on the right track and are doing the right thing by keeping him out of your life. I am sure that it will not be easy, but it’s one of those things that we take day by day and each day it gets better.

I think the thing that is so hard, is that we want to believe that there is good in all people and when you see signs of good, that’s what we hold on to.

I know that is what I am doing now. I still feel so much love for him, and he still shows me the man that he wants me to see more often than the other. I think he is trying harder because he feels me pulling away.

BentNotBroken

wheresmylife,

Sounds like we are in exactly the same spot. Together, we can get through it. Not so easy alone….but I am feeling much stronger knowing that I have support!

If you can do it….I can do it too. Let’s do this!

{insert image of Rosie the Riveter here}

Ox Drover

Dear Bentnotbroken,

Get a copy of “The Gift of Fear” by Gavin DeBecker, it is a great one to tell you how to listen to your gut feeling which is PROTECTIVE OF YOURSELF.

Our instincts are there. Yes, No Contact pithes them off but it is takiing back YOUR CONTROL, and if they get more persistent in contacting you, having some contact with them would not have placated them and made them go away any fasxter.

It is all about their OWNERSHIP of you. You are something they feel they are entitled to, and to control. If they ramp up the trying to contact you, keep copies of any threatening e mails, texts etc. Change phone numbers, make a police report, keep a log of all attempted contacts, etc. STALKING is taken more seriously now though getting atemporary restraining order is a pain in the butt, it is worth it in DOCUMENTING what you are dealing with. It won’t protect you but it WILL show that you are serious. Also keep a copy of it ON your person at all times to show to the cops if you need it.

Motion lights outside your house are cheap and easy to install and cameras can be as well. Even ones that see in the dark. BE SAFETY CONSCIOUS because some stalkers CAN be dangerous, and you never know.

Yes, you are NOT ALONE!!!! There is great support here on Love Fraud and READ READ AND READ the old archived articles. GEt on the internet and learn about stalkers and how to handle this.

Right now, I am hoping that my stalker (my P-son) will not get out on parole next year, he has already tried to kill me by proxy by sending one of his friends to do the job, so I may have to CUT AND RUN again, and am preparing to do just that. Learning everything I need to know BEFORE I NEED THAT KNOWLEDGE, about how to “disappear” in plain sight, in other wordxs not leave a paper trail or any connection he can figure out about how to find me. It CAN be done legally, but there are some hoops to jump through. To protect my life I am more than willing to do that though.

Actually, I don’t even have to go FAR in terms of miles, just make sure there is no one at the old area that KNOWS where I am and can point him in my direction AND that there is no paper trail that he can follow. In my case, it will be fairly simple since I don’t have any kids in school, etc. but it is doable if someone is willing to take the necessary precautions. There are also books out there about how to do this. You are not hiding from the FBI, but simply hiding from a private investigator who can trace a drivers license, phone or utility bills, land ownership, etc. taxes, job, professional license, and that sort of thing. California is pretty victim friendly and will even help you secretly change your name and names of kids if you are being stalked. Some other states are as well. If your state isn’t victim friendly you might need to move to a victim friendly state for a while and then once your name and professional license etc even SS# is changed, then move back to your desired area, leaving no trail.

All this costs money and time and ENERGY but I found that I think it is better to live in a tent safely than in a mansion in fear!

BentNotBroken

Oxy,

Wow, that is some scary shit. I can’t believe you have had to live this way and are coming through it strong and powerful. I am such a whimp. The thought of all that fighting and moving and worrying makes me want to give up. Why does it have to be so hard?!

But I won’t give up. I will get that book, and others, and will read and know exactly what to do if it comes to that. I will be prepared and ready when he crawls out of the woodwork.

Still, I shake my head. How the hell did this become my life? I feel like I’m in a bad Lifetime movie.

Has anyone ever had a stalker find their comments on this site?

knoxy

Bent and surely not broken – 🙂

I mostly lurk on this site as I’m on another site regularly, but I felt the need to reach out to you.

I was with my exN for 8 years. Actually, this week is my 3 year anniversary from leaving him. *yay me!*

He was adoring for several years. He showed no signs of affairs outside of multiple business trips and sports events. He was the doting boyfriend – coming home and kissing me on the forehead, calling me his “cutie” and “sunshine” and lord knows what else.

In June of 2007, I accidentally found an email from another woman. I was devastated. After investigation, I learned there were several. I will never know how many. Ever. He lied about jobs, money, property – had sex in my car and in my home when I was away. He was good. It’s called covert for a reason.

Yes. Finding out was a complete nightmare. But it was also a blessing. The jig was up, and this sucker wasn’t going to be a sucker any longer. As soon as I learned of the affair, I changed the locks, got a lawyer and cut off contact. He no longer deserved to be in my life. See, I was worth more than the pain of not having him. And I kept my eyes on the prize – recovery.

You can choose similar. The key is cutting off 100% contact. Yes, it will hurt. Much like detoxing from a drug. But that detox gets better. And soon enough, you will be free. Get help – join various sites, get therapy (PLEASE, get therapy with a therapist familiar with sociopaths, NPD or P’s) and dig deep. Let the pain flow. IT GOES AWAY EVENTUALLY!

Three years later, I’m in a beautiful relationship with a man whom I love, planning a future. I never even imagined I could ever trust again. But I’m working on it. And although I’m never going to be “good as new” – I may even be better.

You can do this. The covert ones are indeed the worst and I find them the hardest to recover from. But you can absolutely do it.

Choose you. Stop the contact.

wheresmylife

BentNotBroken,

You are so right, we can get through this together and I am so glad to have found this site and all of the wonderful supportive and understanding people here.

I have spent hours reading stories and blogs on this site the past few days and also made some notes as I remembered things about my situation so I will not forget when I have weak moments and also to try to put all of this together.

It is totally unacceptable for someone to cheat and disrespect the person whom they claim to love and commit to for a life long relationship. Even if that is the extent of the disrespect, it is not tolerable.

We will be here for one another and I am very thankful for that.

wheresmylife

knoxy,

Thank you for posting your story, you are truly an inspiration. I will read your post many times, because I know that I need to do the same. Once there is evidence of affairs, all the other issues begin to become crystal clear. Before that discovery the other things were confusing and vague in my mind.

I am giving myself time to process this, but I am taking time for myself, so that I understand the full depth and breath of the situation.

I see a common thread that there needs to be no contact. Also, I have seen many who have gone back after the first discovery and break up and things are worse. I guess that is another reason that I am taking my time, because when I end this, I know that there is no going back – ever.

It’s really all about respecting ourselves and never allowing anyone to disrespect us again. Zero tolerance for disrespect!

alone

I do understand you as I do have a similar situation. I know I should not be doing that but I can’t resist.

I think that moment when he hugged you was the key point. That is what you lack of – hug and love – and that is why you can’t turn him away. He promised that and “gave” that to you and that is what you heart desire.

The key thing is that feeling of love and belonging is what you lack – not him! And that feeling can been given to you by all other man that is not psychopaths! Try to figure that out!

He will hunt you for all the time you resist. He likes the “hunt” and more than you resist he will call more! And come to your door! And after he catches you will be of no interest to him.

It’s hard to get that, trust me I know. I even thought of giving away my PC because I am in the chat room where I met him all day long! I look to witch women is he passing him on…and he ALWAYS use the same staff, links, words…and now he uses my poems to get other women!

I think you should start new relationship – it helps. Mine was married so I can’t have him for long, but it helped. I am a little bit better. He told me – you are not fat, you are not pain in the ass, you are not possessive – like he was trying to put into my head…love heals, it is not important from whom…

alone

KNOXY, tx for your great post! I tnink you gave me some of your energy and that I can to that! Thank you!

Also, i think playing boring is good idea because HE WILL MOVE to someone who is not so boring. That is the point of their act – there is no cat playing with a mouse who pretends to be dead 🙂 She likes when that mouse is kicking….

bulletproof

Alone

relate so much to what you say about the thrill of the hunt..the P also loves to hunt in actual life ..fishing, animals, women, Tv’s, money…all at the mercy of his cold blooded thirst for power (anything will do)

Getting away like any animal that has been caught by a hunter, is tricky. Maybe you have to chew through your leg to get out of a snare, rip a hook out, take a bullet…there is wounding, bleeding and adrenalin…and sometimes he takes his eye off you, not because he is feeling compassion but simply because he has seen bigger prey across the field and is drawn quickly over there….what do you do?

wheresmylife

Alone,

You make such a good point that it is not “him” that we need and desire it is the feeling of love that they seemingly give to us. We feel love and compassion and we love the illusion and the dreams.

That is what I am having such a hard time of letting go. Also, I met him on-line and I really do not want to meet people that way. It is so hard to meet people except on a dating site. It seems that the days of meeting someone in person first rather than on the internet, is gone.

Today feels like it is going to be a long day. The things in my life that used to bring me joy and happiness do not even interest me. I just can’t believe that I am here and that this is true about the man I love.

LolaAwakening

I can completely relate to your story. I was in a “relationship” of the same sort for nearly 1 1/2. I tried ending things many times during the course of our relationship because I KNEW HE WAS LYING. I kept going back. It was like an addiction of sorts. They have mastered this craft. It is their life’s mission to destroy other women. I caught internet porn sites on his phone and even wondered why he was so sure that his former wife was not seeing anyone even after a year after his divorce. It was because he was keeping here there, punishing her as he so well does. They cycle is like this control/anger/punishment/silence/return. GET OUT while you can. I wasted a year and a half. Most recently he called and I picked up the phone and said to me “I don’t know who is out to get me, they are telling my former wife this and that” Who knows if that is even true. However, what is CLEAR is that he still has contact with her and this is not just for the kids sake. He knows what is going on in her personal life, because he is still partially involved. GET OUT GIRL!

LolaAwakening

Additionally, there will always be new conquests as they get bored very easily.

BentNotBroken

Alone,

I’ve tried seeking comfort from other men. No one fills that need. No one smells like him or touches me like him or tastes like him. While it is good advice, it did not work for me. Seeking others ended up “cluttering” my life. Suddenly I was responsible for someone else’s feelings and I just was not ready for that. I have since become closer to God, and letting Him fill that need as much as possible. This approach was working great for me until I listened to the nagging voice in my head and sought answers. Once I opened the can of worms, started talking to his “current” conquest and found out all the lurid details, I became his focus again. I am the one who is trying to ruin his life. I really wish I had just trusted my gut and let it go, but I couldn’t.

So now I am not talking to anyone except him (cordially), and any time someone else tries to contact one of the Others, I am suspected. Or at least this is his ploy to reel me in again. Basically, I have put myself in a position where he thinks I am interfering with his desires. I’m trying really hard to be strong and keep my head, and basically slowly disappear from his radar screen by being boring, quiet, and not stirring up any more dirt.

So, in essence, he thinks he has me right where he wants me. He got me to stop communicating with the Others. He has my number again so he can “keep track” of me. He has me looking over my shoulder everywhere I go. He is not committing to me or asking me out…he just calls to chat. Asks how my day was, etc.

The thing that I am most worried about, today, is that anything I do may escalate him, possibly to a violent place. Though he has never called me names or hurt me physically, I know that he is capable of it. My approach right now is to just become as unattractive to him as I possibly can, and not to interfere with his goals.

I guess I am trying to do this without chewing off my leg. I’m working on a solid plan so that I’m ready to flee the moment he takes his eye off me.

BentNotBroken

wheresmylife,

I’m sorry that you’re having a rough day today. Good news is I am having a good day and I feel bigger than life, so I will hold you up. Always remember to follow the advice on this site. I don’t know where I read it (there’s so much here), but someone said to think about whether or not the thing you do (calling him, answering his call, etc) will be to your benefit in the future. How will you feel tomorrow if you give in today?

If the old things are not giving you pleasure anymore, try something new. The hardest times for me come when I am alone without my kids every other weekend. Last weekend I was faced with the aloneness, and decided to text every friend in my phone, “Anything going on tonight?” I ended up with eight friends, spur of the moment, dinner, conversation, and fun.

Do anything you can do to get a circle of support around you. Don’t talk about the P. Try to focus on the Now and enjoy your friends. And always remember this site…where everyone understands and cares.

Keep your eye on the prize, sistah! You will beat this!!

wheresmylife

BentNotBroken,

Thank you so much for your support! I am so glad that you had a good day yesterday. I think your idea about texting everyone you know was great and I am glad that you had a good time!

I confronted him late yesterday. I found more evidence of another woman that he had given a present to and I was furious. I called him and he called back a few minutes later and I let him have it. I couldn’t hold it in any longer. He tried to deny it, and now is turning it all back on me. But, the jig is up and I know his game.

I am sad, hurt and broken. But, I think I am less broken than I was before I confronted him. Today will be the hardest, but I think that the worst night is over, so day by day I will be okay. (I think)

I will probably be on this site a lot in the next couple of days. 🙂

BentNotBroken

wheresmylife,

Are you sure you’re not me? We are so in the same spot. Though I didn’t confront mine last night. I was too busy with my fun friends to worry about him. It almost sounds like we are seeing the same man (ever wonder how many on this site are?). As soon as he is confronted, it all gets turned back on the accuser. Someone ELSE is always trying to ruin his life and he is always looking for revenge.

Hang in there. You will have rough days, for sure. But there will be a lot of good ones, too. Stay strong and keep kicking!

wheresmylife

BentNotBroken,

Thank you for the support and it so many stories are seem very alike.

The no contact thing is working pretty well, because since his texts last night trying to blame me, he has not called, texted, emailed or stopped by. Other than having his things here, I suppose that I am all used up for him. He actually told me last night that I was nothing to him. That hurt and since he has another one, it looks like he is putting on the charm for her right now. I feel badly for her, but I am so angry. I know it’s not her fault, but I am still so angry.

This is so painful, but I know that I did the right thing. I just really hope that God gives me a lot of grace right now and that there is a life left for me.

BentNotBroken

No contact = 24 hours. 1 day and counting!

Elizabeth Conley

Awesome!

Hang in there. You’re doing fine.

Kitten

BentNotBroken:

You can do this!!! 21 days and no contact for me….every day moves me one day closer to me – not him! There will be rough days, believe me I just had a week of them….it will pass believe in yourself and your strength. I have my first appointment with a therapist on Wed. that specializes in PTSD and emotional rape issues….can’t wait wait to purge this horrific man from my mind and soul. I will and can, and so can you….just breathe.

Elizabeth Conley

BentNotBroken,

If you don’t have to work today, consider a complete change of pace.

If you go places you don’t usually go and engage in activities you don’t normally engage in, you’ll probably have an easier time of it. Consider leaving your cell phone behind.

Blessings,

Elizabeth

wheresmylife

Today it is hurting especially badly. He came unexpectedly yesterday and got all of his things from my house. I was fine, but broke down and just cried. He didn’t say more than two words to me and left. I think he is trying to punish me for checking up on him and thinking that he cheated. He denies everything and has an explanation for all of it.

He started texting me and I texted back. He still has me and I know that he knows that. At this point I cannot eat or sleep and I feel very hurt and sad.

I know this will get better, because he is onto this next one, I am sure of that. I guess that unless he thinks that he can get something from me, I am just used up for him. That really is a horrible feeling.

I still keep thinking of him as the man that I fell in love with, and it is very hard to get over that.

wheresmylife

BentNotBroken,

That is wonderful that you are starting down the path to healing. You can do this and your life will be so much better without the constant pain.

Does it feel empowering for you? I am working to get to the place, I know that we just need to be very good to ourselves through this.

BentNotBroken

I am feeling very strong and free at the moment. I bought a new bicycle the other day, a good one, and have started riding (something I hadn’t done in many years). Flying down the path with the wind in my hair….I can’t tell you how good that feels right now. Free and light. I want this for the rest of my life. No more drama. No more lies and deception. No more loneliness. Every time I feel the psycho pull, I will hop on my bike and go until I can’t go anymore.

He is completely blocked from my life right now. He can’t call or email or text. He can’t get in my house without my help. And my car is secure at work. My walk into work is secure as well. I am done. And I hope soon you will be too. One thing I keep repeating to myself is, “he has nothing to offer me.” DONE!

bulletproof

Yes, He has nothing to offer me (or anyone) I have nothing to say to him except just move the hell on…stay psychopathic….stay predictable…stay away from me

Elizabeth Conley

BentNotBroken,

You Go Girl! That bike of yours is a stroke of genius – at least as emotional intelligence goes.

You’re doing a great job of taking care of yourself.

wheresmylife

BentNotBroken,

That is a great idea about the bicycle! And I like what you said that you keep repeating that he has nothing to offer.

Today, I feel free and it is starting to feel good. The pain is still there, but I know that I will be okay. At this point, it is just taking one day at a time. To look much into the future would not serve me well at this time.

BentNotBroken

Tonight is rough. Three days of no contact. I want to hurt him. I want him to know what he did to me. I want to call him and scream at him. I want him to miss me and cry.

But I won’t hurt him or call him. He will never truly understand or care what he has done to me. He will probably cry fake tears and pretend to miss me in a few days, a week, or even a year.

No, I won’t hurt him. I will simply go to bed and pray for strength. Pray and remember the horrible things he did to me so I can keep from falling under his spell when he does come oozing back into my life.

Damn him.

wheresmylife, I hope you sleep peacefully tonight and that you stay strong.

aradia_willow

just wanted to say, this guy sounds JUST LIKE my ex. except that i actually married him.

i left him 11 years ago and even though i had to start over from scratch, it was THE BEST thing i ever did in my life. i am now married to a wonderful man, have two amazing children and very grateful for the life i have. it took me a long time to recover from my ex (in some ways i never will, because i cared for my stepdaughter full time for 7 years and miss her terribly.. the ex disappeared with her when i became clear i wasn’t coming back to him), but it happened and now i understand just how sick and twisted he is.

walking away will be the best thing you have ever done. good luck!

Hi – I’ve been where you are – for 35 years of my life…and finally mastered the art of “not caring” any longer. It took five years to “understand” what he was and what I needed to do. I, too – could tell you horror stories, but, they would pretty much sound like yours.

I’ve gone to 12 step programs for my addiction…went to therapy…talked to my friends…read all the books…and read everyone’s story on Lovefraud…and ended up lying to myself and everyone else. Intellectually – I understood what I needed to do which was to stay away from my abuser…but, there was this strong pull to interact with him. He pushed a button – letter, e-mail, phone call, begging, pleading, crying, etc. – and I jumped.

Any kind of interaction feeds the monster – in him and in ourselves. We keep thinking of the good times…we want to be held…we want our life back (the one we imagined)…we want to be loved.

I used to delude myself by saying: “I love him and my love will overcome any obstacle.” He told me that he loved me a hundred times a day – but, his actions belied those words.

There is nothing and no one who can change your thinking – but, you. It will be as difficult as getting off drugs or alcohol – but, it can be done. It will hurt like hell – but, in the end – it will hurt a lot less than what you have now.

If you don’t block your abuser from your e-mail or change your phone number (by the way – if you pay a small fee – your new phone number will not be listed on the Internet)
it’s because part of you wants to hang on. Negative attention is better than none. The truth is that in this day and age – we can see who is calling. We could decide to pick up the phone or not…we can block certain numbers on our phones…we could ignore our abuser – but, we don’t.

We write and talk and ruminate about our lover/abuser – when in fact we should take a good look at ourselves. If you have time – sit really still (a bubble bath is a great place to have some AHA moments)…and direct your thoughts to YOU – and away from him or us.

Here is the great revelation: You won’t stop intereacting with him until the pain of being involved with him is greater than the pain of being alone.

I had to get out of my relationship because it made me physically sick. My doctor told me that I was going to die if I didn’t get out . My ex was purposefully planning my demise and watched me suffer with a smirk on his face. Now, I don’t know why I had wasted 30 years of my life waiting for him to pay attention (while we were married), and another five years trying to get away. Cutting off all communication was the hardest thing I have ever done…but, I did it…and feel vindicated, strong, in control.

For all of you who are hurting…find a way to love yourself – that’s were your salvation will be. Don’t worry about other relationships…work on the one with yourself.

Have a good day…a good hour…or one good minute…then, pat yourself on the back. It takes baby steps to form new habits…

BentNotBroken

Petra60,

Great advice…thank you! I am really grateful it’s only been a couple of years and that I am getting out early. I don’t want to get to a place where being with him hurts more than being alone. I’ve seen what the Others have gone through, and I don’t want it to get that far with me. That may be why it feels so hard right now. There’s no fighting or arguments. I am simply shutting the door and saying “you are not good for me.” That is difficult to do when he makes me feel like I am hurting him. He has cheated on me and lied to me, which is more than enough reason to walk away. But to my face he is kind and sweet and loving. It makes me question the boundary between real and imagined.

I force myself to remember the deceitful things he’s done…the “you’re the love of my life” valentine’s day flowers sent to me while he was out of town with another woman. The day he finally took off work to spend the weekend with me, only to find out later hat he was already laid off. The week he took one of the Others to his family reunion only 2 days after we got back together and he promised to love me and only me forever. The fact that he has 2 grown children from 2 different women he never told me about (he wrote them off while they were both young). The locked room in his house that contains videos and pictures of me and the Others that he fantasizes over and uses to threaten us. These are the things I think about to remind me how sick he is and how lucky I am to be free. It hurts to think about, but it is making me stronger.

My relationship hasn’t made me “physically ill” but I have stopped caring about my appearance. I’ve gained weight and have not been taking care of myself like I was before. So that is what I am concentrating on now. Bicycling (went another 7 miles last night ;-), healthy diet, and lots and lots of socializing with friends.

I have blocked his number so he cannot call or text (unless he uses a different number, of course), and the only way he can contact me is via email to work. (I am going to contact the techical folks to see how to block him there. My email at work is public, and there’s really no way to hide it). I did get an “I get the message, but there was no need to block me and good luck” email. He says he will leave me alone if that’s what will make me happy. I am not responding. Really hoping this is it, but I’m sure I will get an email in a few months asking me what games I’m playing or accusing me of trying to ruin his life in some way.

Today I am going to try to forget about my sitch a little more and enjoy my day. Day 4.

goldilocks

I just helped my daughter (6 months pregnant) get away from her sociopath husband. Your comments were very helpful to her.
It has come to light that he had claimed to have been in a common-law marriage in SC years ago (which is recognized in that state). How can we find a way to check into the fact that he may be a BIGAMIST??? I suppose that the only way is to see if they filed joint income tax. Does anyone have any advice on the best way to pursue this research? HELP!!

wheresmylife

There are just so many emotions that come up while going through this. I think that is because I suppressed so many emotions to work so hard to make this work. Sadness, anger, grief, empowerment…

Mine still maintains that he wasn’t cheating and that I have the power to fix this. He loves me but this is all my doing because I made a mistake by thinking and saying that he was cheating. He even called my son, to tell him what was wrong with me and to tell him that he wasn’t cheating. At this moment I am just angry. I know what I know and I will not be disrespected this way, by anyone!

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