UPDATED FOR 2024. Editor’s note: Lovefraud received the following e-mail from a reader who posts as “Trista.” We previously posted her story, “LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: I was dismissed with a shrug.” Well, Trista’s story continues.
I have written to you long ago telling how my S husband destroyed my life. I would never think that I would meet another one, even worst than the first. I wonder why I attract those people.
This is a sad story that is still now breaking my heart. I’m giving this to you and to the site.
I’m writing from Brazil, where I moved after my divorce. The very first week here I was looking for a flat and someone told me about an estate agent who could help. I went to meet him one evening in March and I met a tall, charming guy of 58 who immediately seemed more interested in me as a woman than as a client. I should have seen some red flags when he became unprofessional with me and said I had a nice body. He then invited me for a meal that evening and I went.
We had a nice time, but he was talking sex very quickly. He grabbed both my hands on the table and I took my hands away. He was Mr. Charm, though, and I laughed a lot with him, even though he was quickly asking me intimate questions that I felt uncomfortable with. Leaving the restaurant, he asked me if I would go to a motel with him and of course I said no and planned not to see him again. I should have done so, but next morning he sent me a lovely kind email saying how much he had liked talking to me, and i replied that he should go a bit slowly with me! He agreed and disappeared for a while, but we resumed writing emails very soon.
He asked if I would pay
Through emails we started getting to know each other better, he was lonely, having lost his third relationship (Red flags!!!!!) and I was lonely having lost my husband through divorce. He wrote and wrote, absolutely lovely emails, we started sharing our lives. I asked why we couldn’t meet properly, he had lots of reasons, and we did not meet again till April.
Read more: 5 reasons why we fall for a con artist
When we met again he was depressed about the end of his relationship and about money. He told me he was absolutely squint (red flags!!!!!). We ended up having a row and left thinking we would not see each other again. I even deleted his phone number from my mobile. However, next day he wrote the biggest email ever, telling me his whole life and we started writing to each other again.
He then asked me if I would pay for a meal for us, since he couldn’t. We could meet again. I agreed. We had a good time and started getting to know each other.
From then on, we started going out together on a regular basis. He took me to the bus station when I had to go away on business, waiting till I left looking into my eyes. We had our regular pizza place, we went to many posh restaurants, and I paid it all. I wanted to be with him and his sad story was touching my heart.
In June we went to another state (Minas Gerais, in the middle of Brazil). He had business there and took me with him. We rented a car and I paid for it. We stopped for food along the way, 5 hours travelling, and I paid for it. I paid the petrol. The trip was wonderful, a lovely place, sunny days, amazing connection between him and me. I was falling in love fast. During this trip we made love for the first time. That was out of this world. He was kind, considerate of me, a lovely man in every aspect.
I was his angel
Another month went by. We saw each other nearly every day. He used to phone 3 or 4 times a day and even in the middle of the night to hear my voice. He asked me not to see other men, still wrote emails saying how wonderful I was, how much he liked me, how I was his angel, how I was this and that, he had only compliments and beautiful things to say. Soon he asked me to be his girlfriend and even ask to meet my adult son and told him we had a relationship. We would go to bed about three times a week and to be in his arms were the best times of my life.
He said he was ‘my husband’ and I was ‘his wife,’ he said he would give me lots of love and care and that our relationship was made in heaven. I believed it all and still paid everything, also bought him needed things like pairs of shoes, trousers, a shirt, mended two jackets, etc. He also started asking me for money to help day to day, since he was not making ends meet, and I started lending him money in a regular basis. He said he was taking note of it all and would pay back when possible.
We went back to Minas for a second trip. That was even better than the first, since now we were a couple and obviously in love. A problem he had was not holding hands in public and not kissing. I tried to ask him why he could not do these things and he said that they were ’emotional’ and he never did then. (RED big flags !!!!). I suffered a lot about that, sometimes he did hold my hand but it was very quick and he would even take his hand away. One day I held his hand in the underground station and he told me very coldly that he would end the relationship if I did that again. (Oh, the flags were really coming by now.)
Started to pick fights
About this time, things started to change. He started to pick fights for nothing. He started to show a side I did not know, flying into rages for next to nothing and very frequently. The rages were huge affairs and very frightening. I never knew what could trigger then off and started to ‘walk on eggs’ near him. Once in a restaurant he thought the food was bad and wanted to ask for the money back. I asked if I could go and ask, because I knew how he would do it and he said yes, I could go. When I did not get the money back he flew into a horrendous rage against me, asking me to shut up, making me cry in the restaurant, using swear words against me for no reason more than I could not get the money back (and I was paying it all).
Next day he did not know why I was still sad.
We had some episodes of those rages and they were frightening. I realized that he was a liar as well, having told me fibs for no reason. Once he told me that his brother’s girlfriend was a teacher and that his brother was going to finish the relationship with her because of her temper, however when later I mentioned it he denied ever having said that and even said I needed to see a shrink. I think he made that up completely and forgot about it.
He also made me think that the wrong person was me and that I was spoiling the relationship. He had a cunning way to blame me for everything that went wrong with us. His anger attacks were more and more frequent, for trivialities, often I was left wondering what could have provoked the last attack. He also could not deal with frustration and became very depressed. He would say that he did not fight, he only answered to my provocation, that I had a terrible temper. However, he was the one flying off the handle for nothing, and forgetting it all next morning.
Getting bored
I noticed that he became easily bored with things, even my conversation, places, etc.
We had started talking about moving in together before things went pear shaped, and we were planning the flat, he was promising me to do all the fittings himself and we were imagining a life together. He even said that we would live together the rest of our lives. We bought things thinking on our life as a couple and in his good moments I could well imagine how wonderful it could be, if only he could hold his horrendous rages.
One Sunday he went to see his daughter for her birthday and when I tried to phone him, his phone was off. His phone was off the whole day and some of the next. When I finally reached him he said he had had a bad day and was depressed.
Finished the relationship
Next day, out of the blue, HE FINISHED OUR RELATIONSHIP.
He screamed down the phone that he was NOT my boyfriend and much less my husband, when confronted why he asked me to be his girlfriend then he DENIED ever having said that. He also denied everything else he said and said he must have been drunk. He said he was only my friend, not my boyfriend. So I said to him that he have used me as a friend with benefits, and abused me verbally, took my money and my heart. He continued denying ever having had anything with me.
I asked him to tell me all that in person, he came to meet me in a park, two hours late, with a face like a wall, trying to push me away, not wanting even to sit a minute to discuss things.
He then sent me a lovely email saying how wonderful I was, followed by a horrendous hurtful email telling me how bad I am and ten minutes later another email saying he really likes me and I’m a marvelous person, please oh please be his friend.
Next day he phoned me to say he had ANOTHER WOMAN. She was near him and he said he liked her, for her to listen, but later wrote me an email to say she was only a TEST for him. So, he is still using people. I feel cheated, abused and used and was left brokenhearted, without much explanation, only he was probably bored and found another woman.
Talking about that, I should have seen the red flags as well before, as he told me of one night stands he had had. He is also highly sexual, another red flag. His commitment to me meant nothing to him, less than nothing, as he does not even remember the things he said. He had also no empathy for me, for my suffering for him, as I really loved him, and wrote emails telling me how his new relationship was ‘all right.’
I’m also without the money he left from me, a huge amount.
I have contacted his daughter to know if he does these things often and all she answered me was that she has nothing much to do with him and she has her reasons.
Dreams are dead
I’m now suffering so much that I hardly can live. All my dreams of having him are dead and he is not even bothering. He told me to go dancing to forget him!!!!!
So, I’m another woman who saw the S a bit too late. All the signs were there—the lack of feeling, the lack of emotion, the lack of tenderness, like holding hands, the blame I got for everything, he was never guilty, the horrendous rages out of the blue for nothing, the lack of empathy, no sense of commitment even after a full sexual relationship (He said it was ‘functional’), the erratic lifestyle, no money, changing jobs and houses, changing relationships (I was number 4), living off his brother, using my money for EVERYTHING, telling silly unnecessary lies, incapacity for love and attachment, ingratitude for all I did for him, practically maintaining him for a year, his mood shifts, his lack of responsibility for his actions, even denying they ever happened, treating people like tools for money and sex, easily provoked, one night stands, trying to make me feel that I was the crazy one when he told a lie and did not remember it, thinking that i was provoking him to anger when he was the angry one all the time, not honouring formal or informal commitment to a woman who truly loved him.
Please use my story to warn others. They are everywhere and they inflict serious damage in other people’s lives.
Learn more: How to report your abuser’s crimes to the police take you seriously
Lovefraud originally posted this letter on March 11, 2011.
5 Reasons why the sociopath’s behavior in your relationship makes no sense
Hey, fooledme,
I tried that, dating someone else. Last night, in fact.
I went to dinner and for four hours, felt less pain. It was kind of fun to have the attention of another man.
That said, I found myself comparing them as this man spoke. It doesn’t help that I seem to go for the same type of man…tall, handsome, black bad boys.
You may want to carefully consider the effects of your actions on your s/path. If he knows you are dating, what will be the outcome?
For me, it is a big city and I know the neighborhood where he is. And do not go near it. I know his habits. And I do not wish to enrage him.
Dear Trimama and Fooledme2wice,
I suggest that you both forget about dating for now. Heal yourselves before you become involved in another relationship right now…and that may take some time. Almost all of “us” that get right out of a relationship with a psychopath jump into another bad relationship. Another bad relationship isn’t going to save you from this one, and right now you are not in shape to be in a healtny relationship yourself, you are still to raw, and not quite sure what “truck” just ran over you or why you didn’t see it.
Take my advice and work on yourself, your own healing, and getting over the trauma from the recent betrayal before you consider getting involved with anyone else. Other wise there’s a good chance you will be right back here talking about the next failure Your next healthy relationship deserves a healthy YOU to succeed!
The feeling stuck in one emotion or the other will come and go and the emotions will go up and down like a roller coaster. Don’t let that scare you. Just keep coming here and reading the articles and learning. Knowledge really IS POWER. lEARN AND BE PATIENT! (((HUGS))))
UGH!
I’m reading this and feel I just have to give a cautionary note here….
Fooledme/mama
I tend to agree with Ox (ok, although twenty years ago, i would have thought she was a looney tune lol!), I guess it’s true that the older you get, if you’re willing, the wiser you become….
I’m becoming an old fart (SHIAT!! NOT THAT!!)
Anyway….instead of a lecture, or a one upmanship here, I’ll just share this with you and let you do what you want with it, take it or leave it….
When I was just out of my marriage (actually, a little before), I was “friends” with spath. When I kicked exP out, I totally went for my relationshit with ex spath, can I just tell you NO- BUENO!!!!
Listen chicas….a MAN is NOT going to resolve your unresolved issues.
I realize that there are exceptions, but running from one relationshit to a potential ‘nother one, is only going to mount your pain and ADD to your pain and sorrow, not MEND you although it may seem so at first. I don’ tknow how old you chicas are, but I have a feeling younger than me. So having said that you have THE TIME to REFLECT, THINK AND PONDER on WHY you got into these PAST relationshits to begin with, rather than think it’s all good and run into yet ANOTHER bad relationshit.
When you’re cool with yourselves, WITHOUT A PENIS TO FIX IT FOR YOU< life is going to be SOOOOO GOOD when the right one comes along. But PLEASE take the time to be ok with yourselves before you ponder yet another devastating relationshit. I have yet to meet ANYONE here who has adequate P radar after one of these relationshits without doing DEEP work on yourselves first. Please don't make the same mistake I did. And a bigger mistake than the first. I know for a FACT, had I waited and respected myself enough, not wanting a distraction from my pain, I would have waited…and not WASTED another many years on a man who wasn't worthy of that time.
God bless!!!
LL
Dearest Trista,
Your story sounds pretty much like mine, except that when i started to figure my ex-sp out, lies, smere campagnes against me with everyone, just different lies for different occassions ( i was one type of person for his Mom and his work and his friends) none of which were me but it worked to keep people away from me cuz they all thought i was, in behavior, him……At the end, his paranoia was so bad! When he told me that he didn’t trust me i told him it was because he had lied to me, stolen from me, treated me horrible at times and if i were him i wouldn’t trust me either… Well at that time he realised that i had his number, the game was up, He was not going to get another dime from me. ONce he knew that i had him pegged he really got so untrusting/paranoid that he started a fight with me when he got home from work and beat the living crap out of me. Sometimes to my own demise i don’t back down when i should, i speak the truth even if it pisses people off, so on this night, Oct…. 8.. I TOLD HIM THAT I HATED HIM, RETURNING THE FAVOR FROM AN EARLIER CONVERSATION AND I KNEW WHAT HE HAD BEEN DOING TO ME, STEELING,LYING, I even told him that i had been talking to someone at his job and i have heard everything that he had been saying about me! Intuitively i knew what he was doing but i had not talked to anyone at his job but obviously he had said enough to everyone that he thought his whole game was blown, he became very angry and ( not healthy i know) but when we first started seeing each other i told him that what ever he did to me throughout our relationship i promised him that i would do the same thing to him, promised…. If he was loving then i would be too, easy for me because that’s my nature and if he cheated,lied, etc…, rest assured it would be done back and i don’t think he ever forgot that. So he was really scared because he thought i had an insider telling me what he was doing and saying. Well what i have learned is it really isn’t too smart to play their game because they get pissed if you get one over on them or call them on the truth. He is still in Jail, i am pressing charges, doing anything i can to keep his butt in jail…First let me say that he broke my cheekbone completely free floating and fractured my upper and lower jaw bone and there was what looked like a strangulation bruise across my throat ( like a cord had been used, i was knocked out so i don’t know what he did) He is facing at the most 19 yrs at the least 1 yr in prison. He is saying that i did the damage myself and he was protecting himself. After his arrest i found out he was married, he said he had lost a baby 2 yrs old and that was a lie too, among everything. What i can say is this site was found in my e-mail out of the blue and i started to read about his behavior being very similar to the stories i had been reading about just 2 months prior to his assault on me. He tried to intimidate me not to testify and when he saw that wasn’t going to work he walked into the court room wiping tears from his eyes, all a con and i still told the judge that he tried to kill me…Yes someone had mentioned that we have to do the work inside of ourselves or we will always pick the same type of person in different clothes and that is a fact….. GOd/ess bless all of you and don’t stop beleiveing that REAL LOVE dose exist but first we need to learn to love ourselves, and heal that subconscience thought pattern that tells us that we don’t deserve any better……It only gets worse and sometimes quick. As a victim of such people we are in grave danger, once they find out that we are onto them so everyone be caareful,really
caylin
I find a lot of comfort reading your story. Doesnt that sound strange. However, when you are aware that these horrid people are out there then you need to have that confirmed by others to show that you havent “lost it”. Their behaviour is identical! I didnt have to read much before I started to feel your mans PD. Those red flags were in operation right from the beginning. Problem is we are genuine and just want to be loved for who we are. We give real love back but they abuse that. I always say that if you want to know about someone…. talk to their family. Trust your intuition. I always did until it was put to the test. If you have any doubt at all, get out fast. I wish there was a data base for these creeps as they are out there playing their abusive games on others. Do you want others to go through what you have been through? Of course not.
You will grow through this experience. It will take time, but you will surprise yourself. You are strong and able not to crumble. I crumbled but I always got up off the floor and stood tall.
Thanks for your honesty. Your story is important to us.
Dear LL,
I think that your situation and mine seem VERY similar. I do consider myself a strong person. I can take care of myself financially. I can fix anything around the house. I have a great, high paying job and a graduate degree, but emotionally, I agree, I am a mess. I think I don’t necessarily, “need a penis to fix it for me,” but I do really miss the feeling of love and connection to a man that I thought I had with the SP.
I liken dating more to methodone as compared to heroin. I have never been addicted to any drug, but I was definitely addicted to the SP. I have had 7 months of being on the backburner and have had time to kind of process the whole emotional mess. I know that I should look for a nice guy for once in my life, and I hope I can find one. It makes me very happy to hear any stories of successful love after the SP trauma on this site. I am 45, and I think (hope) that I have learned my lesson after 26 years of being with 2 personality-disordered folks, that I can finally look for a good man. I do plan to date (with caution) soon. I am still on the emotional roller coaster of “being hit by a truck,” but I have faith that a good person is out there for me. It’s too depressing for me to think otherwise.
By the way, the SP tried to bait me with a check-up email tonight, but I was able to hit “delete” with no problem thanks to you all!
Fooled Me.
I’d LOVE to hear about what you do!! I’ve not “taken care of myself” financially, really. Still striving for my degree, that I’ve just about completed, but then decided to try to change course that will require a few more years of schooling. It must be really nice to be established in something. I’m really curious and perhaps you could answer this for me: Does being able to be financially solvent and independent, help you to deal with this better (I know that probably sound so crass, and I honestly don’t mean it too, but I AM curious if that helps with your self esteem while going through this). I’m 47 and I understand what you mean about two personality disordered relationshits. I did that too. Married to the first for twenty years, involved with the second for ten. Over half my life, no wait, LONGER, if you include my childhood, dealing with spaths. I’m just flat tired.
I wish I could offer you something that says there is success in love after SP. I’m not looking for it. I have no desire to date. He still permeates my being and I have too much work to do and am too much of a mess to even think about it. Another reason I wonder if having a life that is productive outside of SP makes it just a little easier. May I ask how you got involved with yours? Was he as “successful”, career wise, as you are? What made you realize he was SP? How long were you in it?
Fooled, there ARE good men out there, even if few and far between as we get older. I think. Seems so unfair to me that SP’s can hook up immediately with women abundant, while there doesn’t seem to be men out there that aren’t like an SP, if that makes sense. All the rotten pieces of crap seem to be tossed back into the dating pool, unfortunately, but there ARE good men out there.
Congratulations on deleting your check up email!! YAY!!! THAT is progress, my dear!!! GOOD FOR YOU!!!
Hang in there Fooled. You seem to have great strengths that will help you get through this!
LL
FoolMe.
Forgive me. I’m looking up this thread (as I Should have done before I responded) and reading your story again a little bit. It’s hard to keep everyone straight for me.
It’s totally up to you if you feel ready to date or when you do. I don’t know if you’ve read Donna’s Ten Signs You’re Dating A Sociopath, but I have found them helpful in a lot of ways and have shared it with others too.
I understand about wanting to feel loved and cared for by a man. I think that’s another reason I stayed in the last relationshit so long. I’m learning that it has to come from within, rather than from outside. I’m lonely as hell. Isolated somewhat. Grieving. But I’m willing to try to withstand that. It makes me ANGRY that I don’t feel like the answer to escaping is through yet another mistake and failed relationshit. There was a time I would have done just that and probably walked right into the arms of another predator to forget the pain of the last….but this time, it’s different for me. I need to grieve and heal. This is a choice for me.
As it is for you too. I hope you will come and post again when you DO date. I know that Donna found love after her relationshit with a spath. It IS possible, just not sure if it’s so common.
HUGS
LL
Dear LL,
I am glad to hear that you are working on making yourself happy. I can tell you, for certain, that having my career and being financially stable is a big help to me in getting over my 25 year relationshit with my narcissist and my 2 1/2 year one with th SP. I also exercise often and go out to socialize at least twice a week.
I know that I have used bad judgement in men, probably due to the fact that my mom married 3 times in my youth. The sperm donor was abusive, and she luckily only stayed with him 4 years. The second was bipolar (6 years), and the third is probably Asperger’s, but he’s OK, and I like him now. (They’re still together). As a kid, I got in to punk rock and rebellion and loved the bad boys who went along with that movement. I got married too young and spent many years impossibly trying to please a narcissist. I gave up and decided to be myself.
I met my SP when I was still married. I was charmed by his good looks, and I used him as catalyst to get out of my bad marriage. No one knew about our relationship and only my friends and family know to this day. Honestly, it was I that pursued him. I knew that he had a snippy, sometimes mean sense of humor, before I got involved with him, but it stopped once we were together, and he laid on the charm. I received daily emails of undying love, calls, cards, gifts, and help with tasks and projects. How could I resist?
I noticed some red flags regarding his temper and mood swings about a year into the relationship, but he always made up for it and apologized. He had a stable job for 17 years, and got another one right away upon its loss. However, he lost that one 3 weeks ago due to the economy. I figured out that he was an SP by researching his symptoms. He started becoming distant about 8 or 9 months ago. Wierd things started to happen on our FB sites. Men from my past got mysteriously deleted from my account (he had my password). I asked him about it, and he got extremely indignant. He started to get really friendly flirty postings from a young woman on his site. Then I got unfriended. He said he closed his account, but he lied. The woman started posting photos of them as a couple for her profile, but “I was just too sensitive. They were only friends from their fitness group.” Seriously, he was such a good liar and was so adamant that I was the one with issues. I almost believed him.
Anyway, as I reasearched his past more, I found out incidences of him stealing from a friend and of a major lie that he told in his area of fitness that was highly publicized. I know he was a rebel and got into trouble in his youth, and that he has a strained relationship with his family. More and more, I would catch him in stupid lies. I realized that I was always worried and on edge, checking up on his honesty, ignoring my gut, having to let things slide, putting up with his temper, emotional distance, and his mood swings. Why was I doing this? I was addicted to him.
As I researched his symptoms to see if his divorce or midlife crisis was to blame, and also to alleviate my feelings of craziness, I found this site. All the pieces started to come together. As I read the stories and examples here, I realized that he fit the mold of an SP. I still wonder if I’m wrong, as we all do, but I’m pretty certain that I am not. I can now read his actions through a different set of lenses, and it gets clearer to me every day.
I sincerely hope that you, me, and everyone else here does find happiness, first, within ourselves, and secondly, in a loving relationship with a good person. We all deserve that. I think we are all here because we are extra kind, hopeful, compassionate, and are believers in the goodness of human nature. Those are traits that we should all be proud to possess. We just need to be more careful on whom we choose to give our love to. I will keep you posted on my progress. Hugs and best wishes to you!
FooledMe and LL,
I think that dating again after a relationshit with a spath is great as long as you (or one in general)
1) are not married 🙂
2) use all the caution towards red flags you learned
3) follow your intuitions, which are stronger now
4) are aware of your boundaries and don’t cross them under pressure
One of the things Donna didn’t want the psychopath to take away from her is the dream of finding real, mutual love. And she found it!