Editor’s note: Lovefraud received the following story from a reader who we’ll call “Kay.” She discovered that her magic relationship was all about him.
Kay and the Loser in Aluminum Foil
He was prince charming, at least to me he was. We liked the same music, the same food, we spoke about the same topics, liked frequenting the same places, everything was so right.
My friends, however, had a complete aversion to his instant overbearing interest in all things Kay. He completely immersed himself in my life and was constantly “making sure” I was okay. He made sure he monopolized all my time. He would call me approximately 20-25 times a day. During working hours he made sure he called me at least 12 times. My friends did not think this was healthy, I thought it to be quite flattering. He wanted to know everything about me, everything my ex-husband of 15 years did not care about, he did. From what perfume I wore, to what my favorite color was, my favorite food, my problems with my friends, what caused the demise of my marriage, what I really wanted out of life. This was all his way of controlling me and my every move. This would also help him know what buttons to push. He wanted to know who I was with at all times, where I was, how long I had been there, where I was going, what I was wearing. It was upsetting to everyone around me, however, I found it strangely comforting that someone cared so much about every single detail.
Read more: 12 seduction strategies from the sociopath playbook
As time went on, I realized that he made 100 percent sure that everything I was lacking in my former relationship he would make certain NOT to give me this go around. Empty promises were the basis of everything to do with us. His wife had left him. She had filed for divorce to be with another man, another man that had promised her the world. He made himself out to be a grand victim of her mistreatment. She never did anything right. She could not move out right away. He would photograph her shoes on the floor that she had not placed properly in the closet, he would take pictures of her clothing stacked up in a corner, he would call her derogatory names, but it did not change the way he treated me. For me he was a knight in shining armor.
Misogynist
It became apparent he was a casebook misogynist. He hates women. Actually he loathes them. It took me a while to really realize this man had no friends, family members stayed away. He complained that her family hated him and they were instrumental in the demise of their marriage. I believe his former wife’s family wanted what was best for her, which was clearly not him. From all accounts, everyone that knew of that relationship never understood why they were together and why she would put with this broken behavior. I think he destroyed her self worth and confidence, something he was never able to do to me.
Sex was another ordeal. It took months before it happened and it was over in minutes. So long as he got what he wanted, how he wanted it, it was fine. It had nothing to do with pleasure, only control. Control over everything. For me, it was emotionally and physically painful and even more painful to watch how someone could so completely disconnect himself from the act and transform into what was his real persona, empty. He was devoid of actual feelings. Devoid of anything real. Pain is all he knew. Guilt, domination, gaslighting. Classic textbook sociopath.
I called off the relationship on several occasions because I was tired of the empty promises. He promised vacations, holidays together, all sorts of outings. He strung me along to punish me. I was being punished for the love his mother did not give him, and I was further being punished for the things his ex-wife did not do “correctly.” She could do nothing right and he was the victim. Actually, in time I realized we were all victims of his wrath. He found women who were extremely attractive and tried to break them down to the point where they lost their identity and became what he wanted them to become—dependent on him and his mood swings and his dysfunctional behavior.
Wants me back
I broke off the relationship and when he found out that I became engaged to another man, he quickly came back professing his love and even so much as “planning” the purchase of engagement ring. He had made a mistake; he could not live without me. Not for a minute. He wrote page long emails, texting me 24/7, calling me, visiting me at work, everything. I called off the engagement and returned to this “magical” situation. He was once again my “knight in shining armor.” Of course that did not last very long. Several weeks at most. Then we were back to the same old control/punishment cycle. I quickly realized he was not Knight in Shining Armor but a Loser in Aluminum Foil.
I was always crazy and his favorite lines were, “that is not what I said,” “I don’t know what you are talking about.” He had a hidden addiction to pornography that was quite disturbing to me. It was a “bad thing” and it had to be a secret. He was very secretive about everything, however, he required that you give full disclosure; this was so he could control everything at all times.
It became apparent to a friend of mine through a “social networking site” that he had been stringing the former wife along the entire time, giving her some sort of hope. My friend began forwarding those “status updates” which were indicative that something more was going on than met the eye. Naturally he denied it. Everyone was lying. When I confronted him, he said he did not want to be in this relationship and he did not know what he wanted. He was a pathological liar and I started seeing the holes in his stories. The stories became a sort of “strainer.” They would not hold water.
Never going to work
Everything finally came to a head on my birthday when I realized that this was never ever going to be a good or healthy relationship. This was all about him and all about what he needed. He asked me to be patient with him and give him time and that I was wanting to run to the altar. No. What I wanted was a normal relationship, someone that was consistent. Something he could not relate to at all. He was devoid of any emotion and when some emotion (sadness) came about at the loss of this relationship, he would quickly disappear and block. Avoidance is key with these individuals. They don’t want to feel. They hate themselves and they want you to hate yourself. They will avoid everything, including you. They move on to the next victim and repeat the cycle.
I was in this situation for nearly one year and a half. The relationship was all about him. These types of individuals will make sure NEVER TO GIVE YOU WHAT YOU WANT MOST. Whatever that might be. They give you the false hope that this will happen, just not right now. No, it’s never happening. Not now, not in a month, not in 10 years. I did everything right. Right for someone normal, not sociopathic.
Breaking it off for good is very difficult. They love to leave “open-ends” to their phone calls, texts and actions. They want to know that they are still in control by leaving that window open. Lock it; board it up!
They are broken individuals. They don’t want help; they want to victimize themselves and others. That is how they get their kicks. I was wise enough to get out before it escalated. I am now engaged to a wonderful and, most importantly, a normal man. He functions normally and loves me and my child. He makes good on all his promises and comes through for us.
There is light at the end of the tunnel, but of course, one must heal before this happens.
Learn more: Sociopathic Seduction— How you got hooked and why you stayed
Lovefraud originally posted this article on June 30, 2010.
When the parents of your sociopathic ex want to see their grandchildren
Kay777:
The very first date I had with the ex-boyfriend…..we were in this great restaurant having dinner.
He STARED across the table at me and said, “You’re a hard person to read.”
I thought he was staring at me because he was attracted to me, and he said I was “hard to read” because he was genuinely interested in me.
No….he was just trying to size me up for manipulative purposes.
Rosa that is what this man did with his former wife FOR YEARS. Left her at the altar twice and she still came back. From what I have seen she is a very attractive woman and did not need to put up with this degradation but she did.
WHY WOULD YOU WANT HIM BACK. If he is still available its because other women have been quick to see what we did not. That is why he is still alone.
You go back to that he will PUNISH you day in and day out for everything. The honeymoon period will become a HELLMOON. The toxic cycle will begin.
There is never closure because closure is REJECTION. Rejection is something only they do. You can’t do that to them therefore they leave the door open, you come back they reel you in, the torture begins, and then they reject YOU. You feel at a loss and return to the same cycle again.
There are so many wonderful men out there! Find one that is Normal and you will be so very happy.
ROSA – That is exactly what he told me! They are seeing if you are vulnerable enough to fall into their little trap. Sociopaths are very charming and love to lure women into their little “verbal” traps. Actions though, never follow… It is all talk Rosa. All talk. They never come through on anything. Never.
Cat – The calls were all the time. Incessant. At first very flattering, then annoying, then harrassing at best. They feel they are losing control and when that call is picked up, the regain control all over again. He would ask me “who is that I hear in the back”. It was the TV set. I mean, are you kidding me.
They are very BROKEN. Just look at them and their reactions. They are not normal. Their behavior, erratic. Moody, judgmental, perfectionists (even though they cant stand themselves). It is horrible. When you meet someone normal, you so appreciate the difference.
I can tell you one thing, one hit with this type of individual and I will NEVER again be put in that position. Never. The cycle must be broken. It begins with silence on your part.
You must mourn the loss as a death. A death of a fictional character. Something that was not real.
I know I haven’t been on here awhile but I’m shocked of the story. Wow. But my dad is just taking the life out of me. He already doesn’t want to take care of me or help me with going to college. Today he said that I also have to pay for my phone bill. I just only make 300 dollars a week and it goes pretty quickly. Thanks to college things! I just can’t handle this and he keeps lying to his family members. My mom is begging me to come stay with her for the last part of the summer but I have a job here. She says that she will provide the money I need for everything. I just don’t know what is best. Quit my job and stay with my mom or keep the job and deal with my dad.
Dear Bibleannie,
HE IS TALKING ABOUT HOW TO GET OUT OF THE RELATIONSHIP WITHOUT A DIVORCE? Hon, go read the thread and article on Murderous psychopaths. Darling get out of that relationship, what are you waiting for? Him to try to kill you?
Listen to what the man is SAYING—God alone only knows what he is planning. This is a warning from God woman, get out while you can!!!! (((((Hugs))))) and my prayers!
That makes sense now, I have asked spath several times over the years if I was doing something to where he didn’t like having sex with me, I was baffled that he has never held me at night while we sleep, if he wanted sex, it was always announced ahead of time and the act itself was so devoid of any emotions, just all about how great he was and he never, ever liked laying in bed after the act to cuddle, always he would jump up, get dressed and push me to get up with him. Having sex with him averaged maybe 2 times a month in the very beginning, now it’s down to every six months. I did take notice though that the 1 or two times he was on fire during the act and really wanted it was after we had been around some really hot, young girl. He hates that I see through it all. The facade isn’t working with me anymore and I know that is why he’s secretly seeking a divorce or a way to get out without losing anything. He’s such evil and deceitful
Dear Hurtnomore,.
I thought I remembered your mom lives out of the US and your dad lives in US. Is that correct?
Maybe you could go live with your mother and go to school in her country. That way you would be totally away from him.
Now that you are an ADULT (out of high school) your dad has no LEGAL obligation to provide you even a place to live, much less a telephone, or to provide you with money to go to college. If he DOES help you by giving you a place to stay without rent, and buys your food, etc. he is within his legal rights to determine just how MUCH financial help he gives you.
I don’t know how much your phone bill is but some phone bills with various services can be very very high, and others can be only $20 a month for a basic calls only plan. So you might look at ways to keep your phone bill down to the BARE minimum rather than having one with all the bells and whistles, and then you could pay it yourself, or if it was very low, he might even agree to pay it.
Unfortunately for many of us the years of going to college meant we had to work as well as go to school, keep our grades up so we could keep a partial scholarship, and do without many things we would have liked to have had, including new clothes etc. In the end, it was worth it to complete college though. The way the economy is right now, a college degree is going to be a minimum entry requirement to a good job. So work hard, this won’t be forever.
My mom lives outside the United States and she agrees to pay for the phone bill. Its not the fact that its high because I barely talk on the phone. He just wants to see me suffer. The plan was to go to where my mom lives for at least 3 weeks then come back. I have to get ready for school. My mom wants to pay for college. I’m okay with paying for my own phone bill but my mom is very upset. I’m going to college in another state about 4-5 hours away.
kay777,
I started to hate it when the phone rang. I am self-employed, so I HAVE to answer calls and some of my clients use blocked numbers, which he started to use as well. It became a nightmare for me. When I asked him WHY he kept calling, he said that he would keep calling until I answer and even THEN he would call back 5 minutes later! Aaarrrghh.. Oh yes, I got the questions about the TV too! He would ask who I was with, who I was talking to. At one point, we lived in an apartment complex that his mother ran. He would call her and tell her to come over and knock on my door and she did it! How crazy is that?
Yes, it’s true. We have to mourn the death of something that never really existed and in the meantime, the SHELL of the person we thought we fell in love with is still walking the face of the earth, destroying more people each day.
hurtnomore, Ox makes a lot of sense. I too, think staying with your mother might be a good thing, if to just get away from your father. You can always get a job and go to college there. College years ARE sparse years for most of us, but it’s worth it in the end.
bibleannie, I read your posts. Get away from him NOW, honey. This is the type of person that I would be afraid of and I’m not trying to scare you anymore than you already are, but this is a bad situation all the way around. You said it yourself; he is evil and deceitful. Sometimes it can be very hard to get away from one of them, especially if they know that’s what you want. There are a LOT of good articles on here about how to get away from one of them. I would read through those again and again. So many on here, myself included, have been through this process and it takes logic and calm in the face of a storm to do it, but you CAN do it. I’m sending you prayers and courage.