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UPDATED FOR 2024. Editor’s note: The following was sent to Lovefraud by the reader who posts as “Adelle.” She realized she was listening to a liar named shame, and banished it from her life.

Looking back now, I realize how much damage SHAME can do. Of course the Spaths do the damage but along the way we pick up things that we think keep us safe.  These things that we cling to so tightly do exactly the opposite of what we think they do.

Shame was one of my worst enemies in my SP experience. I didn’t want anyone to know, what would they say? What would they think of me? They won’t believe me!

When I finally started telling people about my experience, I got the occasional, “Not you, you’re so intelligent” or the look of disbelief.  I am so happy to say that my REAL friends said things like, “We’ve been waiting for you.”

I once heard an acronym for shame, and it was Self Hatred Accepting My Enslavement.

Here is something I wrote to this liar named SHAME!

A Letter to Shame

You no longer reside in me —

You came uninvited —

You snuck up on me —

I’m erasing all the faces you used —

Your history no longer has power over me —

I am no longer your slave —

For the truth has set me free — it wasn’t my fault —

I was a victim — I committed no crime —

But that’s what you do, you lie, you confuse —

You point fingers when the problem is you —

How dare you demand I stay quiet —

Silence was the biggest weapon you held over me —

I have no relation with you — this day I break free —

I realize you are just a lie, created to keep me down —

Today you’re evicted — it’s been way too long —

There’s a life that’s waiting for me —

The prison you kept me in — I’ve now found the key —

I have a voice — I will no longer remain silent — I’m breaking free —

I demand you go somewhere else —

You no longer reside in me —

Learn more: Overcoming shame — how to feel worthy of respect and love

Lovefraud originally posted this story on Jan. 6, 2012.

Reader Interactions

Comments

  2. Ox Drover

    Dear Adelle, GREAT post! Thank you for that. I think that the liar SHAME has hurt us all, I know he sure did hurt me…I am “out of the closet” now….no longer hiding behind SHAME, because the SHAME doesn’t belong to me, it belongs to those who have EARNED it! Who DESERVE it.

    Thank you!@!!!!

  3. madhanna

    Hits the nail on the head! I have been thinking how destructive shame is. I think it is the cause of my anxiety and depression. Shameful thinking and thinking I should have control over everything that happens and control over what other people do – erroneous thinking! Banish the thoughts.

  4. the sisterhood

    Thank you so much, Adelle! What a wonderful post!

    Shame is the biggest reason for so much suffering. It is so insidious and overwhelming. Thank you for reminding me that it isn’t my fault. I’m working on getting to where you are.

    Good for you for laying down the shame that was forced upon you.

  6. Ox Drover

    madhanna, great post, we do NOT have control over what others do, and we have to give up the idea that we can “move mountains” when in fact we can’t….and that will allow us I think to let go of the shame that we didn’t move the mountain! LOL Thanks for the post!

  9. amanwhocares

    Great for you! Shame is a monster. I am very glad I have learned to hear it operatively in others. Still I stumble one example being havng hired one who later preyed on me twice burglarizing my house. Clue: he had resentment. Beware of those who harbor little resentments.

    Gershen Kaufman wrote a great book on Shame. I have never understood the subtitle which is I believe: ‘the power of caring’. Its a bit technical but in about the middle of the book is some meat! It brought me to my evolving conxciousness about the terminal disease of both my parents and the mothers of my daughters.

  10. Ox Drover

    Thanks, a man who cares, I’ll look for that book….might as well add another 1-2 inches to the 10 feet of shelf space I have of unread books on my “to read” shelf! BTW I’m reading as fast as I can, it is just that my interests are ahead of my reading! LOL

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