Editor’s note: The following article was written by a Lovefraud reader who uses the name “Transcendence.”
I had not received so much confirmation or documentation of being in a “relationship” before. The biggest problem was that he managed to rarely see me in person and he had a habit of cancelling and sometimes even “FORGETTING” dates. My first intoxicating Romantic Narcissist occurred 4 years ago and I had never experienced a suitor so sexy, seductive, intelligent, well written with poetic prose and boyishly handsome with seeming innocence.
I remember waiting desperately for a return txt ”¦ or phone call ”¦ obsessively ”¦ this man could send me to heaven or throw me into the black abyss. The euphoria of the sexy banter ”¦ the wanting and being wanted. But nothing can compare to the depths of searing pain of being abandoned ”¦ of the broken promises”¦and the crushing of the heart.
Reeling me in
He blew up my phone with fun and provocative texts ”¦ and he could sense when I was beginning to pull away and analyze the situation and he would reel me in with a challenge or an enticing promise. When he knew I was hopelessly enamored and committed he would suddenly drop out of sight and string me along for days”¦with me at times desperate and broken hearted ”¦ begging for some small offer of contact if only to know he was “okay”.
How I yearned for this illusive man ”¦ and how I anguished over the tumultuous bewildering pattern”¦trying to keep my head above the dark deceptive waters of exploitation. What is so ironic about these crushing relationships is the jealousy of others as they witness the attention we get by these handsome, intelligent, charming men.
After 5 weeks I figured out that he was cheating and lying about it ”¦ I mean CHEATING ”¦ serial obsessive sex. I broke it off ”¦ which was so hard as I was already crazy for him. I thought he was “the one” and I was going to help him raise his kids. It was so difficult ”¦ I cried so much I missed work the next day. He was so persuasive in txts and emails but I held my ground.
Fell harder than before
I had not had sex with him but had spent a few languishing nights in his arms with him wrapped around me and I was “hooked”. After the break up I had a number of dates from online and was getting hit on quite a bit ”¦ so that helped somewhat. The break up was early November. But by the end of December ”¦ we started txting ”¦ and I thought I could just mess with him ”¦ and it took him a solid month of epic txts but he was so convincing that I fell harder than before and longed desperately to see him! All these other things seemed to fall into place magically as if to bring us back together! His New Year’s Eve txt rolled in “Lucky is the guy who gets you at Midnight”
Thus began again another electrifying, confusing, romp where after 5 months I made love with him after only being with one man in my life (my exNhusband) and being celibate nearly 10 yrs! Then he abandoned me AGAIN right after ”¦ and me putting in so much effort to try to have a relationship with him”¦he would have me wait for his call and he would stand me up ”¦ and sadly and woefully I only actually got to see him maybe once or twice a month. And in hindsight ”¦ he had probably had sex with someone before and after he saw me!
After investing so much and him playing games and hurting me and breaking promises”¦I would try to break it off with him again. I wrote, “No relationship could survive on the crumbs you offer”. He was so good at blaming his job where he travelled and taking care of his kids. (I never even MET the kids) To be honest I feel like such a fool ”¦ and I was so good to him ”¦ and caring ”¦ he asked me not to give up on him. I do know that he was truly hurting and his family treated him like crap ”¦ and he was sexually traumatized within his family. That is what was so hard ”¦ I understood where the obsessive sexual behavior came from ”¦ the revictimization of self and then the predatorial behavior all wrapped up in one man.
More narcissists
In the end he abandoned me ”¦ kept my stuff ”¦ and left me with no closure ”¦ and a huge broken heart. He was very cruel”¦and I cared very deeply for him. I went on to 2 more serious relationships with N’s that lasted about 5 to 7 months ea. The next one was a cerebral N who had slight Asperger’s ”¦ and he was also very seductive and pursued me hard. And he was so very self-centered and arrogant ”¦ and full of RAGE! He cruelly abandoned me and treated me like CRAP! Then 2 months later was my last N ”¦ who was the pinnacle of exploitation ”¦ I literally ended up under his thumb ”¦ and somehow I ended up LIVING in a hotel room with him ”¦ and eventually seduced into having sex with him and my life was kidnapped ”¦ within 5 months I thought he loved me and we actually had a good relationship! And he was cruel and deceptive ”¦ punitive ”¦ critical ”¦ threatening ”¦ and he actually used abandonment at opportune times to break me down, literally.
He left me devastated and shattered 2 years ago ”¦ broke every promise and I had allowed myself to compromise so much of my integrity that I had lost much of my identity ”¦ it only took him 5 months to almost get me to the point that 1o yrs of marriage to an abuser did!
All in the phones
Back to the phones ”¦ I was trying to find an old phone to “activate” while I waited for a new phone to arrive. My old phones hold whole relationships ”¦ all with N’s ”¦ and I had enough juice to read the txts of the first romantic N ”¦ and after working hard at recovery and grieving the losses and coming out of denial ”¦ I could literally pinpoint all the seduction ”¦ how he worked on me so smoothly ”¦ and got me to send him sexy pictures ”¦ so intoxicating ”¦ and how he got me to want him so badly. How he convinced me that he cared and that we had a future and he was faithful. I really wasn’t stupid ”¦ he was really good at deception ”¦ and I wasn’t an easy target ”¦ it’s the challenge the smart ones love. At one time my whole phone was full of his vm’s and 100’s of txts ”¦ and I had emails too! I would go over and over them in bewilderment! How could it not be real?
I did still cry a little bit ”¦ but I probably sobbed for a number of months when I was getting to the nitty gritty of all those disordered destructive relationships ”¦ that would never yield a healthy bounty.
It is hard to metabolize the lack of care they actually have for us ”¦ how shallow their emotions really are. And how they can just flip a switch and be rid of us ”¦ and we are left with gaping wounds ”¦ and they turn and walk away.
I have learned so much and come through so much grief; old and new ”¦ and life is much fresher ”¦ and I am overall more content. I was fully addicted to those familiar relational patterns ”¦ and that chemical cocktail of romance that literally floods the mind and body with endorphins, oxytocin, and dopamine ”¦ whether one has full on sex or not. I have still been attracted to a few predators ”¦ but over time I am becoming more acute at diagnosing the situation when it arises ”¦ and am so thankful the formerly powerful lure is growing weaker and weaker ”¦
Transcendence
Reasons to love your life:
http://us1.campaign-archive2.com/?u=4067d0c4623bc1525f5851621&id=98db0ed768&e=173b4740d4
Ditto…Ditto…Ditto
10 days…
Wish they were all that obvious.
There is one good thing about cell phones, though. Almost everyone has one and there is no reason a date cannot call unless they are dead. Stand me up once…it’s the last time.
Kmillercats,
That’s the thing, standing someone up is a big RED FLAG and we must RUN as fast as possible when we see a red flag—of irresponsibility, of rudeness, of immorality, or dishonesty….we will be treated by others only as well as we ALLOW them to treat us.
If we allow some people to lie to us, use and abuse us, then that is the way that person will CONTINUE to treat us.
BOUNDARIES work!
Dupey, thanks for the empowering link. Something that I needed to read, today.
OxD, yepper. ONE “Red Flag” is all it takes to shut that door, whether it’s man, woman, or child.
Brightest blessings!
Any sort of a “long distance” relationship is a big red flag, on both parties. Yes, there are some instances where due to travel that people meet who are right for each other, but such is rare.
Long distance is the sociopath’s hunting ground. It enables them to juggle multiple persons. Phone and internet communications are easy to control and plays ti their charm.
In fact, the Jekyll (phone and internet) and Hyde (in person) persona differences with my x-spath are so remarkable, that in retrospect this alone is enough for me to conclude he such.
BBE: Yes, you are right.
I should have questioned it.
I DO know, for a fact, he was away at war.
THREE back to backs. Without a doubt.
I should have kept myself under better wraps
instead of feeling sorry for “IT”. That was my
biggest downfall.
Every word you said is true.
Your welcome Truthspeak for the link.
It was my wish to ’empower’ with it and
I am happy it worked!
I am doing okay.
Shaken but okay.
Night everyone –
Dupey
This is my first time ever posting anything on here. I have read so many stories and so many comments and it is so frightening to know that there are so many of these people out there. It is also comforting because I know I am not alone. I don’t know how to use this sight. I just know that I am struggling so very much every day with the aftermath of my ex spath. I find it hard to cope and I can’t talk to anyone about it because they just don’t understand. I would love to share my story, but i dont know were to start or how to even post without being a comment under someone else’s story. Anyone willing to give me some pointers?
lostmyself,
you can post your story anywhere. Or you can submit it to Donna and see if she will post it as an article.
It IS frightening to know they are everywhere. If it weren’t for that, I think most of us could “get over it” or “just move on”.
I can see them pretty quickly, now. Yet, it almost makes it worse. While I’m glad that they can’t sneak up on me anymore, it is still debilitating to know that they exist everywhere.
This is a problem that has been around for millennia. We have grown and solved many of humanity’s problems, so we have to just keep trying and growing. Maybe we’ll finally get the answer to this one. It does seem like we’re getting closer. The internet has made a huge difference.
Back_from_the_edge says;
We always feel sorry for them. Pity play is part of the mask. Pity plays are so strong that even when we find out truths that the x-spath tried to hide, we feel for them…
Tonight, I saw a documentary on the early days of AIDS. I could not help but think of him…
I think our sadness inside comes from the pivotal realization that they are truly sick people. Once we find out ‘who’ they really are, suddenly, it all changes and won’t ever go back to the ‘lies’ we held so dear. But, they didn’t. To them, we were only a ‘toaster’…an appliance to use to help them get to where ever it is they are headed. Their sick, twisted outlooks and their journey of evil.
Pity is a HUGE RED FLAG.
Once you realize ‘who’ they are, just stop playing the game,
strengthen yourself inside and force yourself to move forward.
I have wasted almost 13 years of my life on a person who only
pretended to care and the whole time the pity party was alive, well, and kicking.
And, I swallowed it, hook, line and sinker.
HOWEVER: BBE: It is okay to separate yourself from the experience and pretend it never happened. It is.
It is really hard to do at first; it takes LOTS of strength and courage but they DO become a faded distant memory, after a while….
It’s sad – we know who and what they are and we have to let go knowing that they are really headed no where – but we have to realize THEY HAVE CHOICES TOO. We are NOT responsible for them nor their choices.
We must ALL be responsible for ourselves in this life.
Remember who you are. Put all your eggs in that basket
and I promise you, you won’t lose.
On my way to a day full of doctor/medical appointments.
Hopefully, my journey out into the world won’t hold any
difficulties for me…
Love ~ Dupey