Editor’s note: The following article was written by a Lovefraud reader who uses the name “Transcendence.”
I had not received so much confirmation or documentation of being in a “relationship” before. The biggest problem was that he managed to rarely see me in person and he had a habit of cancelling and sometimes even “FORGETTING” dates. My first intoxicating Romantic Narcissist occurred 4 years ago and I had never experienced a suitor so sexy, seductive, intelligent, well written with poetic prose and boyishly handsome with seeming innocence.
I remember waiting desperately for a return txt ”¦ or phone call ”¦ obsessively ”¦ this man could send me to heaven or throw me into the black abyss. The euphoria of the sexy banter ”¦ the wanting and being wanted. But nothing can compare to the depths of searing pain of being abandoned ”¦ of the broken promises”¦and the crushing of the heart.
Reeling me in
He blew up my phone with fun and provocative texts ”¦ and he could sense when I was beginning to pull away and analyze the situation and he would reel me in with a challenge or an enticing promise. When he knew I was hopelessly enamored and committed he would suddenly drop out of sight and string me along for days”¦with me at times desperate and broken hearted ”¦ begging for some small offer of contact if only to know he was “okay”.
How I yearned for this illusive man ”¦ and how I anguished over the tumultuous bewildering pattern”¦trying to keep my head above the dark deceptive waters of exploitation. What is so ironic about these crushing relationships is the jealousy of others as they witness the attention we get by these handsome, intelligent, charming men.
After 5 weeks I figured out that he was cheating and lying about it ”¦ I mean CHEATING ”¦ serial obsessive sex. I broke it off ”¦ which was so hard as I was already crazy for him. I thought he was “the one” and I was going to help him raise his kids. It was so difficult ”¦ I cried so much I missed work the next day. He was so persuasive in txts and emails but I held my ground.
Fell harder than before
I had not had sex with him but had spent a few languishing nights in his arms with him wrapped around me and I was “hooked”. After the break up I had a number of dates from online and was getting hit on quite a bit ”¦ so that helped somewhat. The break up was early November. But by the end of December ”¦ we started txting ”¦ and I thought I could just mess with him ”¦ and it took him a solid month of epic txts but he was so convincing that I fell harder than before and longed desperately to see him! All these other things seemed to fall into place magically as if to bring us back together! His New Year’s Eve txt rolled in “Lucky is the guy who gets you at Midnight”
Thus began again another electrifying, confusing, romp where after 5 months I made love with him after only being with one man in my life (my exNhusband) and being celibate nearly 10 yrs! Then he abandoned me AGAIN right after ”¦ and me putting in so much effort to try to have a relationship with him”¦he would have me wait for his call and he would stand me up ”¦ and sadly and woefully I only actually got to see him maybe once or twice a month. And in hindsight ”¦ he had probably had sex with someone before and after he saw me!
After investing so much and him playing games and hurting me and breaking promises”¦I would try to break it off with him again. I wrote, “No relationship could survive on the crumbs you offer”. He was so good at blaming his job where he travelled and taking care of his kids. (I never even MET the kids) To be honest I feel like such a fool ”¦ and I was so good to him ”¦ and caring ”¦ he asked me not to give up on him. I do know that he was truly hurting and his family treated him like crap ”¦ and he was sexually traumatized within his family. That is what was so hard ”¦ I understood where the obsessive sexual behavior came from ”¦ the revictimization of self and then the predatorial behavior all wrapped up in one man.
More narcissists
In the end he abandoned me ”¦ kept my stuff ”¦ and left me with no closure ”¦ and a huge broken heart. He was very cruel”¦and I cared very deeply for him. I went on to 2 more serious relationships with N’s that lasted about 5 to 7 months ea. The next one was a cerebral N who had slight Asperger’s ”¦ and he was also very seductive and pursued me hard. And he was so very self-centered and arrogant ”¦ and full of RAGE! He cruelly abandoned me and treated me like CRAP! Then 2 months later was my last N ”¦ who was the pinnacle of exploitation ”¦ I literally ended up under his thumb ”¦ and somehow I ended up LIVING in a hotel room with him ”¦ and eventually seduced into having sex with him and my life was kidnapped ”¦ within 5 months I thought he loved me and we actually had a good relationship! And he was cruel and deceptive ”¦ punitive ”¦ critical ”¦ threatening ”¦ and he actually used abandonment at opportune times to break me down, literally.
He left me devastated and shattered 2 years ago ”¦ broke every promise and I had allowed myself to compromise so much of my integrity that I had lost much of my identity ”¦ it only took him 5 months to almost get me to the point that 1o yrs of marriage to an abuser did!
All in the phones
Back to the phones ”¦ I was trying to find an old phone to “activate” while I waited for a new phone to arrive. My old phones hold whole relationships ”¦ all with N’s ”¦ and I had enough juice to read the txts of the first romantic N ”¦ and after working hard at recovery and grieving the losses and coming out of denial ”¦ I could literally pinpoint all the seduction ”¦ how he worked on me so smoothly ”¦ and got me to send him sexy pictures ”¦ so intoxicating ”¦ and how he got me to want him so badly. How he convinced me that he cared and that we had a future and he was faithful. I really wasn’t stupid ”¦ he was really good at deception ”¦ and I wasn’t an easy target ”¦ it’s the challenge the smart ones love. At one time my whole phone was full of his vm’s and 100’s of txts ”¦ and I had emails too! I would go over and over them in bewilderment! How could it not be real?
I did still cry a little bit ”¦ but I probably sobbed for a number of months when I was getting to the nitty gritty of all those disordered destructive relationships ”¦ that would never yield a healthy bounty.
It is hard to metabolize the lack of care they actually have for us ”¦ how shallow their emotions really are. And how they can just flip a switch and be rid of us ”¦ and we are left with gaping wounds ”¦ and they turn and walk away.
I have learned so much and come through so much grief; old and new ”¦ and life is much fresher ”¦ and I am overall more content. I was fully addicted to those familiar relational patterns ”¦ and that chemical cocktail of romance that literally floods the mind and body with endorphins, oxytocin, and dopamine ”¦ whether one has full on sex or not. I have still been attracted to a few predators ”¦ but over time I am becoming more acute at diagnosing the situation when it arises ”¦ and am so thankful the formerly powerful lure is growing weaker and weaker ”¦
Transcendence
“…but we have to realize THEY HAVE CHOICES TOO. ”
Absolutely. This is the most important thing I learned from Ox.
Most sociopaths, although inclined to be such, are not destined to be such. Along the way, they make choices and each choice moves them closer and closer to their fate, almost like Dorian Gray’s painting…
Even in your relationshits, they make choices: to lie, to manipulate, to withhold important facts about them, to cheat…
This is why we must focus on the facts that we know. One lie is enough, as if there is one, there are 100…
BBE: I am not sure if MOST sociopaths, although inclined to be such, are not DESTINED to be such. I can’t make an accurate judgment on that.
I do know that whether they have the capacity to CHOOSE different or not, THEY ARE MAKING THEIR OWN CHOICES.
For instance, in my case, was I really suppose to just lay down and let the semi truck run me over, back and forth, a few times? Hm? Well, of course, it HAD happened, a few times, in fact, and I still, hung on, hoping and wishing for the best. Not just for me, but for “IT” too.
Then, one day, it HIT ME, right upside the head…
This person or ‘being’ WAS destined to be just exactly
‘who’ “IT” is and that is completely unacceptable to me.
Once the mask melted off and I got to really see who that person was/is – it’s more like a nightmare than a fond memory.
One I try to run from as frequently as I possibly can. Horrors,
some of them, unimaginable. All done through mind control.
I think there are some ppaths destined to be the ugly wart they are and then I also think some of them are acquired victims of perhaps some unusual circumstances in their life.
Whichever it is, it is a choice.
We do not have to be responsible for another persons choices,
only ours.
Yes, funny you should mention Dorian Gray’s portrait…
I have often thought of “IT” in the same fashion. Very
poetic, I know – more than it deserves – but instead of
a ‘romanticism’ about it – I have found the HORRORS.
They stifle me to this very moment, in fact.
All we can do is accept what is real.
Listen to our hearts and ourselves…
our emotions were given to us to heed,
but to heed equally with our heads as our hearts.
This is such an ironclad lesson I have learned at such a late age
in my life. I am humbled beyond all explanation that I am still
sitting here, writing and not buried in a hole in the desert somewhere or that I died on the operating table during my
heart surgeries.
It has taken me a long while to adjust to this shock in my life
and I know I still have a long ways to go. But, I am making it.
I have the dirt, the blood and the broken nails TO PROVE I have
been trying to claw my way out of this hole…
This dark, dank, ugly hole….
One lie is MORE than enough.
The human ear should not listen to the second.
xxoo
Back_from_the_edge;
Besides genetics, there are social factors that can cause a genetically predispositioned individual to become a sociopath:
1) Single parent home;
2) Physical or sexual abuse;
3) Growing up poor;
4) Growing up in a city.
However, the majority of the above do not become sociopaths. Thus, I lean to a combination of factors.
Regarding my x-spath, I know for a fact he met 3 of 4 factors above. I also have strong evidence he was subject to either physical or sexual abuse, that evidence being a once saw him disassociate when I was having an argument with a Taxi driver who was taking us for a “ride.”
BBE,
interesting. can you describe what you witnessed him do during the disassociation?
well i got 4 out of 4 ~! bingo~!
3 out of 4 for me, MoonDancer…
We should start a club or something, ya think?
Disassociation: I have seen that look before…
when it came over “IT”….that Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde
transformation and it’s very scarey. The bouncing
off walls and the hyperactivity…too much to deal
with. Sometimes the hatred was directed right at
me when it shouldn’t have been at all. But, you see,
“IT” PERCEIVED I was a threat when I wasn’t at all.
So, it started threatening me after I refused the proposals
and advances and swallowed all the lies. Just pure evil,
I tell ya.
Yah, my x ppath has all of those BBE listed and MORE….
Trust me. There was NOTHING you could say with “IT”
around that wasn’t turned into a big huge explosion with
fireworks and flailing arms and fists…NOTHING. He had
a nasty counter FOR EVERYTHING.
I have never witnessed ANY THING so ugly before in my life.
And I have seen A LOT of really ugly things. Trust me.
I am just totally blown away by all of this.
But, I AM on the path to “ME”. I am. It’s
amazing but I am making it and I attribute
a lot of that to all of you.
Thank you for being here for me and for listening
and for caring. I hope you all will have a good Holiday
Season and that you will be able to find something to
give yourself: the gift of peace inside.
Dupey
BBE, I’m in that “choice” camp, as well. Everyone has made “bad” choices in their lifetime that have hurt themselves, and others. And, I mean EVERYONE. But, spaths continue making choices that harm others without remorse or conscience. That’s the crux of the matter. I’m also in total agreement that one “Red Flag” is enough for me to slam that door shut. I don’t care if it’s a man, woman, or child, I do not have the time or inclination to jump into the cesspool to find the golden nugget, ANYMORE. Nope, nope, nope. Just one “Red Flag,” and I’m out.
Dupey, it is definitely a choice that they make. I actually told the exspath when I found his “stash” that he had deliberately hidden this aspect of his life from me because such deviant interests don’t just crop up in one’s life one morning and the person says to themselves, “You know, necrophilia and genital mutilation might be a turnon. I think I’ll give that a try, today.” This was, of course, before I ever knew of the financial frauds. That onion got peeled only after he left, for good.
So, they DO know that what they are doing is “wrong,” either morally or legally. For me, it’s this fact, alone, that causes my skin to crawl.
Brightest blessings
The interesting aspect of the “long distance” or “technological” relationshit is precisely as OxD mentions: the “good” aspects are entirely in our own minds! Absolutely!
The exspath threw words out there for me to interpret, and he had me pretty well pegged because I exposed my own vulnerabilities and desires TO him. So, the simple question, “Will you never wed, again?” was translated BY ME as a “romantic” question. Who uses that term, today? Of course, I didn’t interpret it as a proposal of marriage, but I interpreted it to mean that this person viewed marriage as a binding of hearts. Well……I have to accept responsibility for my own interpretation and the illusion that I allowed to be constructed within my own mind.
“Technological” relationships also allow for secrecy. The exspath truly enjoyed romanticizing a long-distance relationshit because it served his purposes. And, I fell for the whole illusion.
Today, I do not have a cell phone. I find that text-messaging irritates me, on every level, except for the random message of “need milk – stop and pick it up, please.” It is intrusive, rude, and NOT true communication. I find it difficult to tolerate watching people text message because it’s entirely bogus.
Brightest blessings
Dupey, Well I am not sure about no.4, I did grow up in the country, but it was in the city limit’s of a country city. So, maybe there’s hope for me afterall. ?
Skylar;
The disassociation occurred when I argued with a taxi driver over the route he was taking. For me, it was a typical New York City incident. I driver and I argued, straightened out the “miscommunication” and in the end, I gave him a good type.
While this was going on, I looked over at the x-spath and he was literally pushing himself into the corner of the taxi and had a blank look on his face — like a kid trapped in a corner.