Editor’s note: The following article was written by a Lovefraud reader who uses the name “Transcendence.”
I had not received so much confirmation or documentation of being in a “relationship” before. The biggest problem was that he managed to rarely see me in person and he had a habit of cancelling and sometimes even “FORGETTING” dates. My first intoxicating Romantic Narcissist occurred 4 years ago and I had never experienced a suitor so sexy, seductive, intelligent, well written with poetic prose and boyishly handsome with seeming innocence.
I remember waiting desperately for a return txt ”¦ or phone call ”¦ obsessively ”¦ this man could send me to heaven or throw me into the black abyss. The euphoria of the sexy banter ”¦ the wanting and being wanted. But nothing can compare to the depths of searing pain of being abandoned ”¦ of the broken promises”¦and the crushing of the heart.
Reeling me in
He blew up my phone with fun and provocative texts ”¦ and he could sense when I was beginning to pull away and analyze the situation and he would reel me in with a challenge or an enticing promise. When he knew I was hopelessly enamored and committed he would suddenly drop out of sight and string me along for days”¦with me at times desperate and broken hearted ”¦ begging for some small offer of contact if only to know he was “okay”.
How I yearned for this illusive man ”¦ and how I anguished over the tumultuous bewildering pattern”¦trying to keep my head above the dark deceptive waters of exploitation. What is so ironic about these crushing relationships is the jealousy of others as they witness the attention we get by these handsome, intelligent, charming men.
After 5 weeks I figured out that he was cheating and lying about it ”¦ I mean CHEATING ”¦ serial obsessive sex. I broke it off ”¦ which was so hard as I was already crazy for him. I thought he was “the one” and I was going to help him raise his kids. It was so difficult ”¦ I cried so much I missed work the next day. He was so persuasive in txts and emails but I held my ground.
Fell harder than before
I had not had sex with him but had spent a few languishing nights in his arms with him wrapped around me and I was “hooked”. After the break up I had a number of dates from online and was getting hit on quite a bit ”¦ so that helped somewhat. The break up was early November. But by the end of December ”¦ we started txting ”¦ and I thought I could just mess with him ”¦ and it took him a solid month of epic txts but he was so convincing that I fell harder than before and longed desperately to see him! All these other things seemed to fall into place magically as if to bring us back together! His New Year’s Eve txt rolled in “Lucky is the guy who gets you at Midnight”
Thus began again another electrifying, confusing, romp where after 5 months I made love with him after only being with one man in my life (my exNhusband) and being celibate nearly 10 yrs! Then he abandoned me AGAIN right after ”¦ and me putting in so much effort to try to have a relationship with him”¦he would have me wait for his call and he would stand me up ”¦ and sadly and woefully I only actually got to see him maybe once or twice a month. And in hindsight ”¦ he had probably had sex with someone before and after he saw me!
After investing so much and him playing games and hurting me and breaking promises”¦I would try to break it off with him again. I wrote, “No relationship could survive on the crumbs you offer”. He was so good at blaming his job where he travelled and taking care of his kids. (I never even MET the kids) To be honest I feel like such a fool ”¦ and I was so good to him ”¦ and caring ”¦ he asked me not to give up on him. I do know that he was truly hurting and his family treated him like crap ”¦ and he was sexually traumatized within his family. That is what was so hard ”¦ I understood where the obsessive sexual behavior came from ”¦ the revictimization of self and then the predatorial behavior all wrapped up in one man.
More narcissists
In the end he abandoned me ”¦ kept my stuff ”¦ and left me with no closure ”¦ and a huge broken heart. He was very cruel”¦and I cared very deeply for him. I went on to 2 more serious relationships with N’s that lasted about 5 to 7 months ea. The next one was a cerebral N who had slight Asperger’s ”¦ and he was also very seductive and pursued me hard. And he was so very self-centered and arrogant ”¦ and full of RAGE! He cruelly abandoned me and treated me like CRAP! Then 2 months later was my last N ”¦ who was the pinnacle of exploitation ”¦ I literally ended up under his thumb ”¦ and somehow I ended up LIVING in a hotel room with him ”¦ and eventually seduced into having sex with him and my life was kidnapped ”¦ within 5 months I thought he loved me and we actually had a good relationship! And he was cruel and deceptive ”¦ punitive ”¦ critical ”¦ threatening ”¦ and he actually used abandonment at opportune times to break me down, literally.
He left me devastated and shattered 2 years ago ”¦ broke every promise and I had allowed myself to compromise so much of my integrity that I had lost much of my identity ”¦ it only took him 5 months to almost get me to the point that 1o yrs of marriage to an abuser did!
All in the phones
Back to the phones ”¦ I was trying to find an old phone to “activate” while I waited for a new phone to arrive. My old phones hold whole relationships ”¦ all with N’s ”¦ and I had enough juice to read the txts of the first romantic N ”¦ and after working hard at recovery and grieving the losses and coming out of denial ”¦ I could literally pinpoint all the seduction ”¦ how he worked on me so smoothly ”¦ and got me to send him sexy pictures ”¦ so intoxicating ”¦ and how he got me to want him so badly. How he convinced me that he cared and that we had a future and he was faithful. I really wasn’t stupid ”¦ he was really good at deception ”¦ and I wasn’t an easy target ”¦ it’s the challenge the smart ones love. At one time my whole phone was full of his vm’s and 100’s of txts ”¦ and I had emails too! I would go over and over them in bewilderment! How could it not be real?
I did still cry a little bit ”¦ but I probably sobbed for a number of months when I was getting to the nitty gritty of all those disordered destructive relationships ”¦ that would never yield a healthy bounty.
It is hard to metabolize the lack of care they actually have for us ”¦ how shallow their emotions really are. And how they can just flip a switch and be rid of us ”¦ and we are left with gaping wounds ”¦ and they turn and walk away.
I have learned so much and come through so much grief; old and new ”¦ and life is much fresher ”¦ and I am overall more content. I was fully addicted to those familiar relational patterns ”¦ and that chemical cocktail of romance that literally floods the mind and body with endorphins, oxytocin, and dopamine ”¦ whether one has full on sex or not. I have still been attracted to a few predators ”¦ but over time I am becoming more acute at diagnosing the situation when it arises ”¦ and am so thankful the formerly powerful lure is growing weaker and weaker ”¦
Transcendence
Truthspeak;
While I am in the “choice” camp for most sociopaths, I do support the notion that some are essentially programmed from birth. These would tend to score very high on the Hare scale and are what most would consider to be a “psychopath.”
This Wiki entry provides a good summary:
“Several researchers have argued that there exist two variants of psychopathy. There is also empirical support for separating persons scoring high on the PCL-R into two groups that do not simply reflect Factor 1 and Factor 2. There is at least preliminary evidence of differences regarding cognition and affect as measured in laboratory tests. Different theories characterize these two variants somewhat differently. Compared to “primary” psychopaths, researchers agree “secondary” psychopaths have more fear, anxiety, and negative emotions. They are often seen as more impulsive and with more reactive anger and aggression. Some preliminary research have suggested that secondary psychopaths may have had a more abusive childhood according to self-reports (which possibly may be inflated in secondary psychopathy), may have a higher risk of future violence, and may respond better to treatment.
Primary psychopathy has been seen as mainly due to genetic factors while secondary psychopathy has been seen as mainly due to environmental factors which also has implications for treatment possibilities. Such proposed environmental factors include an abusive childhood or a society presenting opportunities for cheating. Other researchers have argued that genetics and environment are important for both variants. David T. Lykken, using Gray’s biopsychological theory of personality, have argued that primary psychopaths innately have little fear while secondary psychopaths innately have increased sensitivity to rewards. Proponents of the triarchic model described above see primary psychopaths associated with increased boldness and secondary psychopathy as associated with increased disinhibition.”
My x-spath was clearly a secondary type: more fear, anxiety, and negative emotions. I believe Steve refers to these as “sorta sociopaths.”
Primary psychopaths are extremely dangerous from a criminal/violence perspective. Secondary psychopaths, especially relatively “mild” ones like my x-spath, are extremely dangerous form a relationship perspective.
BBE,
that’s interesting to me because I’ve noticed that about some spaths. Not so much my exspath, but some others.
Whereas I will stand up for myself and feel and act entitled to good service, special attention and my money’s worth, these spaths are AFRAID to ask for anything when out in public. They only become abusive in the privacy of their home and with people who love them.
A couple of spaths, at different times, have said that they wish they could just walk up to strangers and talk to them, like I do. They lack the confidence to approach strangers, to send back a plate that was prepared wrong, even to return merchandise at the store. Consequently, people can walk all over them.
The only way they can win is by cheating and lying. And usually they do this to people who have the misfortune to care about them.
I didn’t notice this about my exspath but then, I wasn’t watching for it. He may have been aware of it and hidden it.
“The interesting aspect of the “long distance” or “technological” relationshit is precisely as OxD mentions: the “good” aspects are entirely in our own minds! Absolutely!”
Right on. 50% of the occasions that I was with my x-spath he did displayed outrageous behavior that left my head spinning. Always, overreactions to something minor. Even the first night I met him — we stepped out of a club in Midtown Manhattan and next to the gay club was a Rapper club. There was an argument going on between two of the Rappers and I grabbed the x-spath and said “let’s get out of bullet range…”
He immediately went into a diatribe about Americans and guns. Keep in mind I am fairly anti-gun, but I found his monologue grating and inappropriate, especially given he was in my city and just met me.
I turned to him and said” “You Brits don’t know how lucky you have it. You sent the religious kooks here, criminals to Australia and the rest of the undesirables to Canada, leaving nothing but poofs like yourself, hence no need for guns.”
However, via email, text or phone, he was always charming, polite and flattering.
BBE:
Or it brought up memories of perhaps his parent’s fighting while maybe he did curl up in a corner? Interesting. That seemed extreme…I think the fight with the taxi driver triggered memories for him.
BBE,
I call the secondary spaths, “failed spaths”, because they failed to completely cut off all emotions, so they still have anxiety. They don’t feel any empathy for us, but they still feel fear. It’s pathetic.
A pure, primary spath doesn’t have any emotions at all, no anxiety, not even a startle response. My exspath was that way.
skylar:
That is mine…secondary spath. He was very anxious all the time…very nervous…fearful. That was so him. He needs the alcohol to calm him.
Louise,
what about the OW?
primary or secondary?
skylar:
Hmmmm, hard to say. She is absolutely a pathological liar. She did have anxiety, but it seemed like only when it was about her. She had a very calm demeanor. I would say perhaps primary.
Louise,
that’s what I thought.
I’m starting to think that this is why people talk about female spaths being worse than the male ones. It seems like there are fewer female spaths but the ones that there are, are more diabolical. They wear the mask well.
skylar:
I agree 100%. Female spaths use all the things that females normally can use…their sweetness and their sexuality. Their evil intentions are masked by their “female” wares and it’s very hard to detect because people just think they are being flirty or sexual when in reality, these behaviors are covering up their evil deeds. It’s horrible. I saw it in action every day at work.