Editor’s note: The following article was written by a Lovefraud reader who uses the name “Transcendence.”
I had not received so much confirmation or documentation of being in a “relationship” before. The biggest problem was that he managed to rarely see me in person and he had a habit of cancelling and sometimes even “FORGETTING” dates. My first intoxicating Romantic Narcissist occurred 4 years ago and I had never experienced a suitor so sexy, seductive, intelligent, well written with poetic prose and boyishly handsome with seeming innocence.
I remember waiting desperately for a return txt ”¦ or phone call ”¦ obsessively ”¦ this man could send me to heaven or throw me into the black abyss. The euphoria of the sexy banter ”¦ the wanting and being wanted. But nothing can compare to the depths of searing pain of being abandoned ”¦ of the broken promises”¦and the crushing of the heart.
Reeling me in
He blew up my phone with fun and provocative texts ”¦ and he could sense when I was beginning to pull away and analyze the situation and he would reel me in with a challenge or an enticing promise. When he knew I was hopelessly enamored and committed he would suddenly drop out of sight and string me along for days”¦with me at times desperate and broken hearted ”¦ begging for some small offer of contact if only to know he was “okay”.
How I yearned for this illusive man ”¦ and how I anguished over the tumultuous bewildering pattern”¦trying to keep my head above the dark deceptive waters of exploitation. What is so ironic about these crushing relationships is the jealousy of others as they witness the attention we get by these handsome, intelligent, charming men.
After 5 weeks I figured out that he was cheating and lying about it ”¦ I mean CHEATING ”¦ serial obsessive sex. I broke it off ”¦ which was so hard as I was already crazy for him. I thought he was “the one” and I was going to help him raise his kids. It was so difficult ”¦ I cried so much I missed work the next day. He was so persuasive in txts and emails but I held my ground.
Fell harder than before
I had not had sex with him but had spent a few languishing nights in his arms with him wrapped around me and I was “hooked”. After the break up I had a number of dates from online and was getting hit on quite a bit ”¦ so that helped somewhat. The break up was early November. But by the end of December ”¦ we started txting ”¦ and I thought I could just mess with him ”¦ and it took him a solid month of epic txts but he was so convincing that I fell harder than before and longed desperately to see him! All these other things seemed to fall into place magically as if to bring us back together! His New Year’s Eve txt rolled in “Lucky is the guy who gets you at Midnight”
Thus began again another electrifying, confusing, romp where after 5 months I made love with him after only being with one man in my life (my exNhusband) and being celibate nearly 10 yrs! Then he abandoned me AGAIN right after ”¦ and me putting in so much effort to try to have a relationship with him”¦he would have me wait for his call and he would stand me up ”¦ and sadly and woefully I only actually got to see him maybe once or twice a month. And in hindsight ”¦ he had probably had sex with someone before and after he saw me!
After investing so much and him playing games and hurting me and breaking promises”¦I would try to break it off with him again. I wrote, “No relationship could survive on the crumbs you offer”. He was so good at blaming his job where he travelled and taking care of his kids. (I never even MET the kids) To be honest I feel like such a fool ”¦ and I was so good to him ”¦ and caring ”¦ he asked me not to give up on him. I do know that he was truly hurting and his family treated him like crap ”¦ and he was sexually traumatized within his family. That is what was so hard ”¦ I understood where the obsessive sexual behavior came from ”¦ the revictimization of self and then the predatorial behavior all wrapped up in one man.
More narcissists
In the end he abandoned me ”¦ kept my stuff ”¦ and left me with no closure ”¦ and a huge broken heart. He was very cruel”¦and I cared very deeply for him. I went on to 2 more serious relationships with N’s that lasted about 5 to 7 months ea. The next one was a cerebral N who had slight Asperger’s ”¦ and he was also very seductive and pursued me hard. And he was so very self-centered and arrogant ”¦ and full of RAGE! He cruelly abandoned me and treated me like CRAP! Then 2 months later was my last N ”¦ who was the pinnacle of exploitation ”¦ I literally ended up under his thumb ”¦ and somehow I ended up LIVING in a hotel room with him ”¦ and eventually seduced into having sex with him and my life was kidnapped ”¦ within 5 months I thought he loved me and we actually had a good relationship! And he was cruel and deceptive ”¦ punitive ”¦ critical ”¦ threatening ”¦ and he actually used abandonment at opportune times to break me down, literally.
He left me devastated and shattered 2 years ago ”¦ broke every promise and I had allowed myself to compromise so much of my integrity that I had lost much of my identity ”¦ it only took him 5 months to almost get me to the point that 1o yrs of marriage to an abuser did!
All in the phones
Back to the phones ”¦ I was trying to find an old phone to “activate” while I waited for a new phone to arrive. My old phones hold whole relationships ”¦ all with N’s ”¦ and I had enough juice to read the txts of the first romantic N ”¦ and after working hard at recovery and grieving the losses and coming out of denial ”¦ I could literally pinpoint all the seduction ”¦ how he worked on me so smoothly ”¦ and got me to send him sexy pictures ”¦ so intoxicating ”¦ and how he got me to want him so badly. How he convinced me that he cared and that we had a future and he was faithful. I really wasn’t stupid ”¦ he was really good at deception ”¦ and I wasn’t an easy target ”¦ it’s the challenge the smart ones love. At one time my whole phone was full of his vm’s and 100’s of txts ”¦ and I had emails too! I would go over and over them in bewilderment! How could it not be real?
I did still cry a little bit ”¦ but I probably sobbed for a number of months when I was getting to the nitty gritty of all those disordered destructive relationships ”¦ that would never yield a healthy bounty.
It is hard to metabolize the lack of care they actually have for us ”¦ how shallow their emotions really are. And how they can just flip a switch and be rid of us ”¦ and we are left with gaping wounds ”¦ and they turn and walk away.
I have learned so much and come through so much grief; old and new ”¦ and life is much fresher ”¦ and I am overall more content. I was fully addicted to those familiar relational patterns ”¦ and that chemical cocktail of romance that literally floods the mind and body with endorphins, oxytocin, and dopamine ”¦ whether one has full on sex or not. I have still been attracted to a few predators ”¦ but over time I am becoming more acute at diagnosing the situation when it arises ”¦ and am so thankful the formerly powerful lure is growing weaker and weaker ”¦
Transcendence
BBE:
I get that about the taxi drivers. Hahahaha about your mom getting into an argument with one.
Mine paced back and forth also. I saw him do it outside a bar once; pacing up and down the sidewalk. I think it’s because I was there and he didn’t expect me to be there. He had another agenda that night and he didn’t want me to see it.
I have to say though, he could also be very calm and cold. Definitely a Jekyll and Hyde.
I never saw him be assertive with a waiter or clerk. I guess he is a “failed” spath.
BBE,
They try that here in Seattle too. Now I just don’t tell them where I’m going, I just tell them how to get there.
“Mine paced back and forth also. I saw him do it outside a bar once; pacing up and down the sidewalk…”
Louise — exact same scenario with my x-spath: outside a bar, pacing, chain smoking. I apparently somehow “offended” him again…
Skylar;
I try too now to be very clear. Part of my “chill” strategy….
Something dawned upon me about a sociopath’s need for control and to feel superior. When I met my x-spath, he was on vacation with two friends. One friend was somebody who rented a room from the x-spath. The other was a guy who later I would deduce (from photos) had an unrequited relationship with the x-spath.
Thus, in each case, the x-spath maintained some form of control over each friend.
sky, he behaved very well around strangers, always cordial, polite. But he was uncomfortable around my family and friends. When my son would come to visit he would go hide in a back room until he left. I would ask him why, he said to give me time alone with my son.. well I would of preferred he joined in but…..personally I think it was because he knew he had me fooled but not my family? They did try very hard to include him tho. I remember how ‘m’ would act like he wasnt with me when we were in stores etc, but then at other times we would go grocery shopping like a team. Maybe he isnt a socio..I do know he was a pathological lier, cheat, lots of drama.
All this discussion has me wonderin if I was the socio and he was the victim..Truth is he was dumped in my lap, I was his only option other than being homeless. I know that now. When I went to rescue him he didnt even hug or thank me, he seemed so distraught that he ended up with me. But as I have said before, I would of helped him regardless, he didnt have to pretend to love me to get a hand up. But he did and I soaked it up like rain in a desert.
It’s still very painful to think about him, most of the goodtimes had evaporated from my memory, just shock and loss..
Oh my I am not doing well this holiday season, not at all…
MD:
HUGS. I relate. I am not doing well either. I fake it well because I feel like I have to, but I really do not like the holidays at all.
I was just talking to my best friend on the phone and I was talking to her about me wanting closure with the spath and why did I even want it? She totally understands and thank God for her…I would be so lost without her support. Anyway, I almost started crying when I was talking to her and I haven’t cried in awhile. It’s like you said…it’s still painful to think about him. I was actually explaining to her his qualities and his behavior and how it was all a perfect combination to hook me. I was explaining to her how there was something about him that I have never experienced with anyone else; have never met anyone like him…how he has this ability to draw people near him…you just want to be around him.
So I am here, MD if you want to talk. It’s tough. 🙁
Louise & MD,
The holidays make me happy! The spath I knew hated xmas! All that merriness and good will toward men just pissed her off..lol. She never bought anyone anything except for her autistic nephew. She saw all the xmas cards we got and looked at them with contempt. I thought ‘my gawd, she’s a miserable bitch’ I got her a present and she came down from her apt. and gave me one: a smelly eye pillow from the dollar store! Hey, just what I always wanted…She came down and slapped it on the kitchen table, unwrapped! LOLOL
They have to pretend to be happy during the holidays. I don’t, I am happy. They are just grinding thru….
Happy holidays to you both
“let your hearts be light”
thank you louise,
my holiday blues are not centered around him. I do like the holidays but it makes it so apparent that I am alone. yes so are a gazilllion other peeps, but all the same it aint no fun. louise we both know what we were dealing with, and we both know we are better off alone than with them..
ana,,, lol ho ho ho ~! my x hated xmas also, he got so pissed when I gave him gifts. he said ”do you know how small you just made me feel? I didnt get you nothin” lmao what is a eye pillow?