Editor’s note: The following article was written by a Lovefraud reader who uses the name “Transcendence.”
I had not received so much confirmation or documentation of being in a “relationship” before. The biggest problem was that he managed to rarely see me in person and he had a habit of cancelling and sometimes even “FORGETTING” dates. My first intoxicating Romantic Narcissist occurred 4 years ago and I had never experienced a suitor so sexy, seductive, intelligent, well written with poetic prose and boyishly handsome with seeming innocence.
I remember waiting desperately for a return txt ”¦ or phone call ”¦ obsessively ”¦ this man could send me to heaven or throw me into the black abyss. The euphoria of the sexy banter ”¦ the wanting and being wanted. But nothing can compare to the depths of searing pain of being abandoned ”¦ of the broken promises”¦and the crushing of the heart.
Reeling me in
He blew up my phone with fun and provocative texts ”¦ and he could sense when I was beginning to pull away and analyze the situation and he would reel me in with a challenge or an enticing promise. When he knew I was hopelessly enamored and committed he would suddenly drop out of sight and string me along for days”¦with me at times desperate and broken hearted ”¦ begging for some small offer of contact if only to know he was “okay”.
How I yearned for this illusive man ”¦ and how I anguished over the tumultuous bewildering pattern”¦trying to keep my head above the dark deceptive waters of exploitation. What is so ironic about these crushing relationships is the jealousy of others as they witness the attention we get by these handsome, intelligent, charming men.
After 5 weeks I figured out that he was cheating and lying about it ”¦ I mean CHEATING ”¦ serial obsessive sex. I broke it off ”¦ which was so hard as I was already crazy for him. I thought he was “the one” and I was going to help him raise his kids. It was so difficult ”¦ I cried so much I missed work the next day. He was so persuasive in txts and emails but I held my ground.
Fell harder than before
I had not had sex with him but had spent a few languishing nights in his arms with him wrapped around me and I was “hooked”. After the break up I had a number of dates from online and was getting hit on quite a bit ”¦ so that helped somewhat. The break up was early November. But by the end of December ”¦ we started txting ”¦ and I thought I could just mess with him ”¦ and it took him a solid month of epic txts but he was so convincing that I fell harder than before and longed desperately to see him! All these other things seemed to fall into place magically as if to bring us back together! His New Year’s Eve txt rolled in “Lucky is the guy who gets you at Midnight”
Thus began again another electrifying, confusing, romp where after 5 months I made love with him after only being with one man in my life (my exNhusband) and being celibate nearly 10 yrs! Then he abandoned me AGAIN right after ”¦ and me putting in so much effort to try to have a relationship with him”¦he would have me wait for his call and he would stand me up ”¦ and sadly and woefully I only actually got to see him maybe once or twice a month. And in hindsight ”¦ he had probably had sex with someone before and after he saw me!
After investing so much and him playing games and hurting me and breaking promises”¦I would try to break it off with him again. I wrote, “No relationship could survive on the crumbs you offer”. He was so good at blaming his job where he travelled and taking care of his kids. (I never even MET the kids) To be honest I feel like such a fool ”¦ and I was so good to him ”¦ and caring ”¦ he asked me not to give up on him. I do know that he was truly hurting and his family treated him like crap ”¦ and he was sexually traumatized within his family. That is what was so hard ”¦ I understood where the obsessive sexual behavior came from ”¦ the revictimization of self and then the predatorial behavior all wrapped up in one man.
More narcissists
In the end he abandoned me ”¦ kept my stuff ”¦ and left me with no closure ”¦ and a huge broken heart. He was very cruel”¦and I cared very deeply for him. I went on to 2 more serious relationships with N’s that lasted about 5 to 7 months ea. The next one was a cerebral N who had slight Asperger’s ”¦ and he was also very seductive and pursued me hard. And he was so very self-centered and arrogant ”¦ and full of RAGE! He cruelly abandoned me and treated me like CRAP! Then 2 months later was my last N ”¦ who was the pinnacle of exploitation ”¦ I literally ended up under his thumb ”¦ and somehow I ended up LIVING in a hotel room with him ”¦ and eventually seduced into having sex with him and my life was kidnapped ”¦ within 5 months I thought he loved me and we actually had a good relationship! And he was cruel and deceptive ”¦ punitive ”¦ critical ”¦ threatening ”¦ and he actually used abandonment at opportune times to break me down, literally.
He left me devastated and shattered 2 years ago ”¦ broke every promise and I had allowed myself to compromise so much of my integrity that I had lost much of my identity ”¦ it only took him 5 months to almost get me to the point that 1o yrs of marriage to an abuser did!
All in the phones
Back to the phones ”¦ I was trying to find an old phone to “activate” while I waited for a new phone to arrive. My old phones hold whole relationships ”¦ all with N’s ”¦ and I had enough juice to read the txts of the first romantic N ”¦ and after working hard at recovery and grieving the losses and coming out of denial ”¦ I could literally pinpoint all the seduction ”¦ how he worked on me so smoothly ”¦ and got me to send him sexy pictures ”¦ so intoxicating ”¦ and how he got me to want him so badly. How he convinced me that he cared and that we had a future and he was faithful. I really wasn’t stupid ”¦ he was really good at deception ”¦ and I wasn’t an easy target ”¦ it’s the challenge the smart ones love. At one time my whole phone was full of his vm’s and 100’s of txts ”¦ and I had emails too! I would go over and over them in bewilderment! How could it not be real?
I did still cry a little bit ”¦ but I probably sobbed for a number of months when I was getting to the nitty gritty of all those disordered destructive relationships ”¦ that would never yield a healthy bounty.
It is hard to metabolize the lack of care they actually have for us ”¦ how shallow their emotions really are. And how they can just flip a switch and be rid of us ”¦ and we are left with gaping wounds ”¦ and they turn and walk away.
I have learned so much and come through so much grief; old and new ”¦ and life is much fresher ”¦ and I am overall more content. I was fully addicted to those familiar relational patterns ”¦ and that chemical cocktail of romance that literally floods the mind and body with endorphins, oxytocin, and dopamine ”¦ whether one has full on sex or not. I have still been attracted to a few predators ”¦ but over time I am becoming more acute at diagnosing the situation when it arises ”¦ and am so thankful the formerly powerful lure is growing weaker and weaker ”¦
Transcendence
Transcendence-welcome to this site. I’m not here much at all but I applaud you because you came here with a lot more knowledge than I had when I came here a couple years ago. Your above post is so excellent. I wish everyone out there trying to date could read it. The issue of whole relationshits documented on phones is so dangerous. My relationshit with the N who brought me here was exactly like that. At the end of that discard I had thousands of texts that I went through and erased that transpired over a year that we were together. I didn’t know until I came here that spaths/narcs were predisposed to having entire relationships by text message. Now that is a red flag to me. I’m in a platonic situation now that is bordering on becoming romantic it’s a relief that she’s not a big texter. Maybe it’s partly because she’s a lot older than me. But many times if I text her she’ll call me vs repeated texting back and forth. I’ve learned so much from the people on this site who have way more experience than me and have much harder situations than I had to deal with. I hope you learn a lot here.
Athena,
At first I thought it was funny, then I read about snuffleupagus and it’s actually quite scary.
It almost hits too close to home, the way nobody believes the spath’s victims and nobody believed big bird.
I knew there was a reason I could never watch that dumb show, even as a little kid. It always scared me.
Athena and Skylar,
It is scary because it makes them seem benign and harmless.
The psychopath I was married to was called a chameleon by some of his friends and associates.
A chameleon, like big bird and snuffleupagus is harmelss but unpredictable and changeable to fit the circumstances. A psychopath is dangerous, the exact opposite of a harmless chameleon. A psychopath uses chamouflage, deciet, lies and feigned harmlessness and helplessness to attract victims to use and destroy just because he can.
The analogy is very frighteninging and makes people think they are harmless when they are very dangerous. It is the same as the blank look we get when we call a spath a spath. I was always disturbed about the chameleon thing but now I know why it is so disturbing.
Absolutely Ox, finally getting to our blindspots and our lures…takes time and effort…but going from a target to too much trouble is awesome! : ) Elizabeth Bennett thank you for your kind words…coming out of denial and allowing all those old and new wounds to finally heal is so powerful! I did not realize I was such a participant in those former destuctive relationships…I could not seem to step out of the “dance”. When I tried I either had great fear of that black hole of another failed relationship…or I had compassion when they asked me not to leave them. Either way…when the jig was up and they abandoned me…it was final and my world was torn apart. I spun things around and around in my head and heart for months…and with the first Romantic one…it did not really resolve til the last 2 years as well. And I will be honest here; I still put in great efforts to win him back…or to at least resovled what went wrong and part with closure…and I did go by a few times shaking with fear to discover another lover’s car outside and it devastated me. There is no worse pain than someone you love and have made love to…is KNOW they are IN BED with another and gettin jiggy wit it! (sorry had to lighten it up a bit) But now it’s like all my former realtionships are resovling from way back until now. That’s the great part about getting to the roots of dyfunction in oneself…it’s the final griefwork…it’s the final episodes of sobbing uncontrollably. Then comes the peace…and sometimes anger over the harm which is the protest…and eventually the letting go. So we may “transcend” our familiar thought patterns and behaviors that were allowing us to get involved with predators and exploiters…
Transcendence, you wrote: “There is no worse pain than someone you love and have made love to”is KNOW they are IN BED with another…” For me, specifically, that “pain” was simply a result of my flawed beliefs. I believed that I had been “making love” with the exspath, from the begining, because I loved what I had been led to believe was true about him. One of the most difficult things for me to accept was that we never, at any time, “made love.” It was simply sex. And, sex can be had with anyone, and anyTHING. Sex does not equal “love.”
When I learned what REALLY interested the exspath, my sexual identity was shattered and I dont know if I’ll ever have a healthy view of sex, again. That I had lain with something that entertained veiled necrophilia, gang-rape, genital torture and mutiliation, and a host of other replellant visuals, caused me to nearly vomit. Seriously. When I saw the level of violence that appealed to the exspath, I almost threw up on myself – today, I still get very, very queasy when I think about sex.
So, it’s not that they’re “making love” with someone else, Transcendence. They’re just USING someone else instead of a blowup doll or mechanical device. They USE other human beings just like they would use a kleenex. Blow your nose in it, and toss it away. There is NO emotional connection – just a physical act.
That’s the difference between “making love” and “gittin’ jiggy wid it.” (grin)
Brightest blessings
Truthspeak: My heart goes out to you in how you were decieved and seduced. Those visuals are really distrurbing along with the pleasure predators get from how far they can push someone’s values and integrity. I hope that as you recover and heal from the abusive relationship that better experiences are on the horizon. I do agree that we often fall ‘in love” with a fabricated image or fantasy. However what I brought to the experience was genuine and I did make love to him. Even though he turned out to be sex obcessed and lying about engaging in liaisons with many partners…it still hurts to be betrayed. It is such a dirty trick to not be able to detect opportunists…and it is hard not to feel shame for being duped. At times i agonize over what I “allowed” to happen to me…but I was at that time powerless to get myself out. I am happy to have the resources available to be able to gain the tools to recover and protect myself. There are degrees on the Narcissist—Sociopathic scale. I had my worst exploitive experience 2.5 years ago…and I do feel nauseated when I pass by areas where he seduced me into sexual acts that were just pure supply for him. However, I am thankful that I still have a healthy sex drive but don’t have to act on impulses, and I want to have a healthy committed relationship, someday. In reveiw of my life I have never had a good romantic relationship…and probably not even one good ‘date’! I have been celebate for over 2 years and I am learning how to guard my heart. So far I been successful in not getting hooked into another predator.
Transcendence, you typed it truthfully, “However what I brought to the experience was genuine and I did make love to him.” That’s the core of the issue – YOU made love to him, not vice versa. What YOU brought was genuine. And, it was a complete fabrication that you loved and not the stinking creature that he truly is. I did the same thing – we all did.
It’s not that WE didn’t love, Transcendence. It’s that they did not, cannot, and never WILL have the capacity to experience genuine emotion, and that includes love.
So, the point of my response was that the truth of the relationship is that it was an illusion on his part. There is no way to change that, and what you believed was true (making love) was only because your beliefs were based upon honesty, and you honestly believed that he reciprocated the love that you gave.
I don’t adhere to identifying a level of sociopathy – using a scale to determine an individual’s score is simply a method of saying, “He/she isn’t as bad as Jim Jones.” ANY sociopathy is bad because it escalates and evolves with time and experience. The manipulations become more subtle and effective, and the damages to the targets become more and more pronounced.
I was seduced because I wanted to believe the illusion – badly. I wanted to “feel” that validation by someone else that I was loved, desirable, and that I wasn’t going to be abandoned. Well, oh, well…….my core issues were precisely what the exspath needed to exploit, and he sure did a good job, if I’m going to be honest.
“Shame” is an enormous part of my personal issues, and I had never had such a personal epiphany about why I was who I was until my counselor introduced the “inner child” concept. Until that time, I had spent time in counseling for various reasons, and not one counselor had EVER approached this issue.
I’m not concerned about entertaining another partner – not ever. Sure, it would be “nice” to have a healthy relationship, but I’m not even interested in that type of relationship because I really have to sort myself out before I do. And, this is going to be a long, long process. LOL!
Brightest blessings
I identify with you- He did all that, he got me in with songs, loving words, telling me I was his soul mate, his wife, his woman, that there was nobody else in his life, brought me food and wine, wrapped me in his arms, prayed with me,said I was beautiful, a real woman in all senses, we made love like never in my life, and one day, out of the blue, no fights, ever, he just walked out of our relationship to his ex, cut me out of his life cruelly and with no closure , never gave back my things and do not speak to me at all, I realized he lied to me all the time and had a house with this other woman, told me there was no one else but me but it was a terrible lie, as she would phone him every night.
She did phone me to tell me that she was his woman, not me, and told me he called me names, said I was too old (lie), that he wanted me only to learn English and to travel with me to Europe , however all his behaviour with me was so so convincing and so caring that I do not know what is lie or not.
He did mention that woman once, saying she wasnt is his life anymore and did not like her, she had no character and I was everything for him, only to drop me like a hot potato and go back to her.
I have to add that Im beautiful and young looking and he told me that so many times, saying I was like a teenager in body and so lovely, so he lied to us both, to his ex and to me, that I was old and he only had interest in things he could get from me, however, this is typical sociopathic behaviour and he thought it was a good excuse to give his ex.
I still suffer because I loved him, and he went without any hint that he would go, one day he was on the phone telling me was going to come to see me and bring a present, next day literally he was with her and never told me a thing, I had to discover this by phoning a neighbour of his.
I feel betrayed, used, abused and rejected, but Im trying to date again after 6 months without him, dont know where he is, last I knew he was moving town.
Elisee, I would strongly caution you to reconsider any thought of dating until such time as you have recovered from your horrible experiences. For whatever reason, the spath exploited vulnerabilities to serve his purposes, and those issues have only been compounded by the damages that he has inflicted upon you. I say this with sincere concern because I was exiting a horribly abusive marriage when the second exspath baited, lured, and hooked me before I had a moment of recovery under my belt, and I fell for the whole illusion, to my financial ruin and personal detriment.
The spath that targeted you will target anyone else that will suit his purposes. He will use the same tactics and exploit that target in a worse manner than you were – count on it. The next target will suffer, as will the next, and the next…..he is a user, and he will never change.
I’m sorry that you had the experiences that you did, and I’m glad that you found LoveFraud to help you in your recovery.
Brightest blessings
Hi Elsie; I can relate to what you post. My exN/S husband…was supposed to be a “Christian” and I moved 2 states away with him…after marriage…i had saved myself for marriage. A couple weeks after living in a desert with him he broke down crying telling me he had visited an old gf a couple days before the wedding and had sex with her! I was so naiive I felt sorry for him! And this just marked the beginning of insecurity and hypervigilance as he lied, cheated and became more abusive as the 15 yr marriage went on! Prayed with me many times but then he would get jealous of my “ability to pray” and go into a rage! It is so dishertening to be left cruelly and have a slander campaign to follow…my exH went around to all the churches we had been involved in and told them I was crazy! And where kids and even pets are involved that become attached to us and us to them…they will not even let us or them say “goodbye”. The lies and emotional blackmail are horrendous! The last Spath man I got hooked into was exceptionally good at his game…(I was 10 years out of that marriage with quite a bit of recovery under my belt) He was a master of decieption…and in a short period of time somehow I ended up “shacking up” in a hotel room with him…never did anything like that and I’m still shocked that I ended up trapped and controlled and gave up so much of myself! He convinced me that he loved me and when he knew I was hooked…was able to narrow my formerly independent life down to hypervigilance and fear. It was alot like where I ended up with the eXnsPATH husband except…he did it all in 5 months and then when he didn’t need me anymore…he went back to an even more controlling EX OW….and once he secured her or I should say once she got even more sociopathic control of him and his money; he turned ice cold towards me…and just a few hours previous of “I love you and will always be you friend” was “I have to do this or she will leave me.” 5 months of my life being with him every day and night and often bewildered and confused…I had not been with anyone that often since marriage. Two years since it ended and out of denial I realzie I truly had a type of “Stockholm Syndrome” and PTSD that was reactivated. It is called C-PTSD…look at the website “Sanctuary for the Abused” and an article by Randy Kreager. Two years of intensive work and the floodgates of understanding have opened and I have gone through the deepest grief where I cried/sobbed deeply every day and was so confused and bewildered…to taking in resources and support…and then becoming a student of myself and getting to the roots of MY DYSFUNCTION! I had a broken picker! I did NOT have the tools to choose healthy men…and the dance with exploitive people was so familiar…I didn’t know how to get out most of the time! But once these guys are done with the challenge…the wooing stages…and the abuse/honeymoon stages…and they are going back to the OW or New Supply…it’s done. Especially if you know the jig is up…and for me…even after the jig was up and I knew someone lied or cheated…I still offered to make things work and be beside them as they dealt with their issues! My abusive, cheating ex husband…chose more evil with time…and even convinced Pastors and Sheriff Deputies of his innocence! Your Recovery is Number One…let it be you highest priority…your life WILL get better…invest the heart of your energy in getting healthy and those around you will have a more available and loving person in their lives.