Editor’s note: Lovefraud received the following e-mail from a reader who posts as BentNotBroken. She is having difficulty breaking off an involvement with a sociopath and really needs help.
My head is so full that I don’t really know where to start.
I dated a man (off and on) for 2-1/2 years, and recently found out that he was having several long-term relationships at the same time. I had never been in an abusive relationship, so I didn’t know what the gut-wrenching feeling meant. I didn’t know to trust it.
My mind is playing tricks on me at this point. Is he or isn’t he? The signs are so obvious, but then I think of his face, his touch, his words, and I melt. How can this man — this love of my life — how could he have done all those horrible things? My friends tell me to just forget him. Ignore him. But it’s harder than that. It hurts so much. I was completely fooled. Well, if I’m honest — not completely fooled. My instincts were screaming at me, telling me there was something wrong, but I didn’t have enough confidence in myself to listen or walk away. I justified. Women are so good at that. I also couldn’t prove anything. He is a very good liar, and was able to keep us all separate. At least for a while.
We “broke up” last November. His way of breaking up was to just disappear. He promised me the world, then just quit calling. Again. So this time I just let him go. He had done it before, but always came back. Usually used his young daughter as bait. He knew how much I loved that little girl, and he would send a picture or a text and pretend like nothing ever happened. He waited just long enough for me to forget. But this time, he didn’t come back. By the end of January it was eating me alive. The Why of it all. I had begged him to just say goodbye. To tell me the truth. But he never did. He just professed his love over and over.
Trail of lies
So I started searching and found his daughter’s mother online. The mother my ex always said was psycho. Well, finding her opened a huge can of worms. As the story unfolded, I found a trail of lies and deceit and disgust. I had always kept a diary because his behavior was so erratic. I found that he had been with two or three of us within a 24 hour period. He had 5 children with 4 different women (that I know of), and one woman has recently claimed she is pregnant.
Read more: Why sociopaths cheat
I could go on forever explaining all the horrible things he did to me. But I’m sure you’ve heard it many times before. I recently found your site, but only after I had let him back into my life. When I discovered his lies, he began to threaten me (indirectly of course). So I changed my keycode and changed my phone number and blocked his emails, etc. Then as I continued to talk to his most recent girlfriend (who kept going back to him) he started to play us both. He would call her in the middle of the night and ask if she talked to me saying that I was trying to destroy his life, etc., etc.
Sucked me back in
One day I had had enough, so I emailed him and told him off. Well, of course that just opened the door for him. The back and forth emails started, and I finally called him to just end things. Say goodbye. And he sucked me right back in. I have since ended all contact with the other woman. I tried blocking his number, and that just made him more determined. He emailed over and over, and I finally gave in and unblocked him.
So now he has my number again, and I know he’s just trying to keep me under his thumb. I try to ignore him, but if I do he calls my work, shows up at work, and even showed up in front of my house at 3 am last weekend. He’s trying to make me feel sorry for him. He loves me, needs my help, promises to change, is willing to do what it takes, blah blah. I know it’s all lies, but at this point I don’t know how to break free! I am afraid that if I am blunt with him he will try even harder. If I am nice, he will suck me back in. If I just ignore him, he will show up at my work or home.
I desperately want to be free, and at the same time I ache for him. I honestly don’t know how to break free. I was doing so well. I went out with friends Friday night, and he called six times. I did not answer. As soon as I got home he called every 2 minutes. Finally he left a message saying, “You CAN answer.”
So the next time I did. He said he had been driving around all night and couldn’t go home until he saw me. He needed a hug. He wanted to see my face. “Come to the door, I just want a hug.” I opened the door, finally, and he held me. It felt so good. I made him leave with tears in my eyes. I was proud of myself for not letting him in. But he knew he had me then. He knew because of the tears that I was under his control.
How do I resist?
How do I resist this?! I don’t know how to let him go. I’ve read so much on this site my brain hurts. Nobody understands how devastating this is. “You’re beautiful and loving and smart, and you deserve better.” Whatever. And my phone is ringing as I type. The 11 pm call. He knows I’m tired, vulnerable, alone. He probably just left another woman’s house to “shower and pack clothes for tomorrow.”
How the hell did this end up being my life? I plan on getting books as soon as I get paid, but for now I just need an understanding soul. I need to be able to obsess and write and get it all out until it makes sense.
Learn more: Overcoming shame — how to feel worthy of love and respect
Lovefraud originally posted this story on June 23, 2010.
5 reasons why you can hook up with multiple sociopaths
BentNotBroken
I understand the need to be allowed obsess and write until it makes sense, so I promise NOT to tell you what you “should” do.
“How do I resist this?! I don’t know how to let him go”
well stay with ‘ just don’t know’, and I’m with you. I hear you, and stay with you not knowing and really admit I do not know either..I trust you though, I trust if given the time you can work it through…..you know how devastating it is, you are not in denial, you are totally in ‘vulnerable’, and that’s actually when we are the strongest. Maybe you need to go back in, maybe you don’t but whatever you do….I can understand…take your time, touch base with who you are, see what’s real and tap into the wealth of wisdom here..I know what it’s like to “ache” for him, it’s gut wrenching, it’s agony, it’s searing pain and HE can instantly remove the pain by holding you in the beautiful illusion, and you know don’t give it up until you want to…your choice always,take the support that is offered here, take it and see if it can support you enough to sense the next move…bless and take care x
Thank you! So much. That was a very vulnerable night, right there. Feeling much stronger today, but have not yet decided what my next steps will be. Right now I’m basically being cordial and keeping an emotional distance. Getting texts mosty, things like “have a great day” and “keep a smile on that beautiful face.” I do not know his number by heart, so I delete all records of calls and texts right away. This helps in my weakest moments when I am tempted to call or text him.
The realization that he is a P only occurred a week ago, thanks to this site, so I am still absorbing it all. It is extremely helpful to look at this “situation” from a different perspective. I guess it takes the emotion out of it. The Why isn’t quite as important now, knowing that since I am a normal person with normal insticts and feelings, I cannot even try to understand exactly how he thinks. And I don’t have to feel sorry for him anymore.
It really does help to know that there are others who understand. I appreciate the comments so much. You are my lifeline.
Everybody needs help every once in a while. I suggest you get some professional help.
1. Consider getting a private security company to give you advice on how to deal with a stalker. Take the advice. You’re being stalked. I don’t care if he isn’t overtly threatening or violent. He’s violating your space and your psyche. Treat him like the Freak O’ Nature he is. Just because he’s not violent doesn’t mean you aren’t being violated. You’re under reacting because he’s non-violent in the rational sense that we understand violence. Stop that! If you’re done with him, he needs to go away. MAKE him go away! Get a security professional to help you. Be prepared to spend a moderate amount of money on this. (150-1000 dollars)
2. Do not associate with anyone who associates with your stalker. (Yep, that’s what he is. Don’t mince words any more.) If you must associate with someone who associates with the stalker, keep your communication all business. Reveal as little as possible to this person about yourself or ANY new developments in your life.
3. Become the most boring woman the stalker knows. Don’t be attractive, don’t be interesting, don’t be clever. Be dull. Really, really dull.
4. Refuse to talk about him to anyone except the professional/s helping you solve the problem. Commiserate only with the people here on Lovefraud.
5. When you buy those books, buy books that are heavy in advice about how to set and maintain your boundaries. Your stalker is possibly the worst boundary violator I’ve ever read about. He gets away with it because of his alternating tactics of charm and emotional neediness. I think he’s possibly more insidiously evil than a physically violent predator.
I’ll be in your corner. This stalker of yours is a really nasty piece of work. You’re in a great deal of trouble. I hope you get free and learn to thrive again.
Elizabeth
Wow. Being validated is certainly much better than being violated! Thank you!
Although, I may have some trouble with #3. I’m just so witty and all ;-).
Dear BentNotBroken,
What I have figured out is that when you “tell them off,” their brains are wired so that they “don’t get it,” what you’re so p.o.’d about, going in circles with them. This man is not going to change – your gut is right, having NO CONTACT with him is the way to go, giving yourself the chance to heal (clearing your head of all his toxic nonsense). You have my sympathy. These people are from another planet, creating chaos and pandemonium down here on earth.
“I may have some trouble with #3. I’m just so witty and all . ”
Sister, if you’re normally the life of the party, this can be a real hoot. The next time he succeeds in getting you to answer the door or the phone, affect absolute exhaustion. You ah-are soooo tiy-yerd. That, and you’re OTR, have miserable cramps, a headache, and you might be coming down with the flu, or Lupus, or some other lifelong debilitating complaint like chronic fatigue syndrome… …so tired.
You’d love to talk of course. You are willing to talk about your physical complaints ad nauseum. Every topic reminds you of one of your minor, boring and hopefully disgusting maladies. Drone, drone, drone…
I’m on a reading kick lately about stalkers and how to avoid them….read 5 books lately on this and will be coming up in due time with a report on them.
ANY contact, even saying “I hate you, get the fark away from me!” is as far as the stalker’s brain is, the same as I LOVE YOU, COME IN. So as we all know NO CONTACT is the only way to hopefully get the message across.
So, no answering the phone unless you KNOW WHO IS CALLING and it is not him. YOUR voice NOT the one on the answering machine (even hearing a recording of your voice may egg them on).
Change phone numbers or block them if you can.
Change e mail addresses or block him if you can.
Make sure your home is secure so he can’t get in and tamper with your computer.
Motion lights outside your house, car in secure location, always locked, etc.
Keep copies of phone/text and e mail and a log of all attempted contacts for filing police report.
FILE restraining order. A real pain in the butt, but do it.
If you end up having to move, there are various ways you can do it and not leave a paper trail, especially if you are being stalked. California, for one state, will actually help you CHANGE YOUR NAME SS# and other things to help keep you safe.
DON’T UNDERESTIMATE THE RAGE IN THESE INDIVIDUALS when they lose control over you.
BentnotBroken, Hugs to you, I do think that you will find your way in this and figure this out. Be patient and kind to yourself through this.
I also recently found this site and am still trying to decide if my man is a Sociopath. There are several of the traits that fit him, but not all. The thing that fits so well though, is the bad feeling that I have had since we met. A feeling that I just ignored but can’t quite put my finger on. I remember thinking at times that I was trying to love and have a deep meaningful relationship with a crocodile, you know trying to be all soft and cuddly while he was trying to eat me alive. But I never really understood why I thought that, it was just a feeling that I couldn’t put my finger on or quite grasp. I just discovered that he is cheating on me and I know that there may be more than one. I also know that he is lying to all of us. He lies about small things, dumb things and tries to convince me of the lies. Usually, it is so insignificant I just let it go. He moved very fast in our relationship, and he has borrowed quite a bit of money while he gets his business off the ground. About $4000
He does work very hard though, and has paid me back a little of the money. He has never abused me physically or called me names.
I do know that there are degrees of this and so maybe he has some traits that do not fit while others do fit. Is that possible?
I am not trying to be in denial, but I am trying to understand and be sure that I am not over reacting.
My heart goes out to all of you and I am very glad to have found this site. I know that I will need this and all of you as I confront him and work through this.
Wheresmylife:
If your instincts are telling you that you’re trying to love a crocodile who wants to eat you alive, listen to them. That’s how we get in trouble – by overriding our instincts.
Your instincts are the best warning system you’ve got. Do not sell them short.
Wheresmylife:
I agree with Donna! I didn’t trust my instincts either. The man I knew did not curse or call me names. He never screamed or yelled at me. He always had cash. He always “took care of me” first. That is why it was so hard to believe my gut. But my gut led me to one of the Others, and she told me he was the same with her in the beginning. Their relationship had grown into a physically, verbally abusive one. I was actually there to witness one of his verbal attacks and I couldn’t believe my ears. It was like night and day. He treated her children poorly after a short period of time, as well as her pets. He also had major financial problems. So, trust the gut. It knows!