Editor’s note: Lovefraud received the following e-mail from a reader who posts as BentNotBroken. She is having difficulty breaking off an involvement with a sociopath and really needs help.
My head is so full that I don’t really know where to start.
I dated a man (off and on) for 2-1/2 years, and recently found out that he was having several long-term relationships at the same time. I had never been in an abusive relationship, so I didn’t know what the gut-wrenching feeling meant. I didn’t know to trust it.
My mind is playing tricks on me at this point. Is he or isn’t he? The signs are so obvious, but then I think of his face, his touch, his words, and I melt. How can this man — this love of my life — how could he have done all those horrible things? My friends tell me to just forget him. Ignore him. But it’s harder than that. It hurts so much. I was completely fooled. Well, if I’m honest — not completely fooled. My instincts were screaming at me, telling me there was something wrong, but I didn’t have enough confidence in myself to listen or walk away. I justified. Women are so good at that. I also couldn’t prove anything. He is a very good liar, and was able to keep us all separate. At least for a while.
We “broke up” last November. His way of breaking up was to just disappear. He promised me the world, then just quit calling. Again. So this time I just let him go. He had done it before, but always came back. Usually used his young daughter as bait. He knew how much I loved that little girl, and he would send a picture or a text and pretend like nothing ever happened. He waited just long enough for me to forget. But this time, he didn’t come back. By the end of January it was eating me alive. The Why of it all. I had begged him to just say goodbye. To tell me the truth. But he never did. He just professed his love over and over.
Trail of lies
So I started searching and found his daughter’s mother online. The mother my ex always said was psycho. Well, finding her opened a huge can of worms. As the story unfolded, I found a trail of lies and deceit and disgust. I had always kept a diary because his behavior was so erratic. I found that he had been with two or three of us within a 24 hour period. He had 5 children with 4 different women (that I know of), and one woman has recently claimed she is pregnant.
Read more: Why sociopaths cheat
I could go on forever explaining all the horrible things he did to me. But I’m sure you’ve heard it many times before. I recently found your site, but only after I had let him back into my life. When I discovered his lies, he began to threaten me (indirectly of course). So I changed my keycode and changed my phone number and blocked his emails, etc. Then as I continued to talk to his most recent girlfriend (who kept going back to him) he started to play us both. He would call her in the middle of the night and ask if she talked to me saying that I was trying to destroy his life, etc., etc.
Sucked me back in
One day I had had enough, so I emailed him and told him off. Well, of course that just opened the door for him. The back and forth emails started, and I finally called him to just end things. Say goodbye. And he sucked me right back in. I have since ended all contact with the other woman. I tried blocking his number, and that just made him more determined. He emailed over and over, and I finally gave in and unblocked him.
So now he has my number again, and I know he’s just trying to keep me under his thumb. I try to ignore him, but if I do he calls my work, shows up at work, and even showed up in front of my house at 3 am last weekend. He’s trying to make me feel sorry for him. He loves me, needs my help, promises to change, is willing to do what it takes, blah blah. I know it’s all lies, but at this point I don’t know how to break free! I am afraid that if I am blunt with him he will try even harder. If I am nice, he will suck me back in. If I just ignore him, he will show up at my work or home.
I desperately want to be free, and at the same time I ache for him. I honestly don’t know how to break free. I was doing so well. I went out with friends Friday night, and he called six times. I did not answer. As soon as I got home he called every 2 minutes. Finally he left a message saying, “You CAN answer.”
So the next time I did. He said he had been driving around all night and couldn’t go home until he saw me. He needed a hug. He wanted to see my face. “Come to the door, I just want a hug.” I opened the door, finally, and he held me. It felt so good. I made him leave with tears in my eyes. I was proud of myself for not letting him in. But he knew he had me then. He knew because of the tears that I was under his control.
How do I resist?
How do I resist this?! I don’t know how to let him go. I’ve read so much on this site my brain hurts. Nobody understands how devastating this is. “You’re beautiful and loving and smart, and you deserve better.” Whatever. And my phone is ringing as I type. The 11 pm call. He knows I’m tired, vulnerable, alone. He probably just left another woman’s house to “shower and pack clothes for tomorrow.”
How the hell did this end up being my life? I plan on getting books as soon as I get paid, but for now I just need an understanding soul. I need to be able to obsess and write and get it all out until it makes sense.
Learn more: Overcoming shame — how to feel worthy of love and respect
Lovefraud originally posted this story on June 23, 2010.
5 reasons why you can hook up with multiple sociopaths
Yes the gut is the seat of knowing with the whole body, not just the mind which is very logical and rational.
The P was brilliant and unsurpassed in twisting the truth using razor sharp logic and rational which really made me, at times look like a fool for not trusting him, and believing him in the end…
The P could not understand how I sensed with my empathic knowing, my gut, my instinct… exactly what he was doing at some level..and could call him on it regardless of what he said at the end.
His cheery loving compassionate self kind of dissolved like the wicked witch of the East….and what was standing there instead was really really scary..whatever it was it had NO HEART and that is why I would never go near him again…no court would touch evil like that…and I know not everyone is willing to admit it exists.
bluejay
“What I have figured out is that when you “tell them off,” their brains are wired so that they “don’t get it,” what you’re so p.o.’d about, going in circles with them.”
This totally explains why any kind of response from him opens the door again and he thinks he’s in. You are so right…any attention at all is reinforcing the fact that he is in my thoughts. Great insight!!
Mine was always so calm in the beginning. That is part of what pulled me in, his calmness and patience. I understand what you are saying also BentNotBroken, that it is so hard to let go. My common sense brain tells me to push him out of my life, he cheated on me and lied to me. But something in my heart keeps holding on, each day, I think just one more day and I will confront him and end this.
I am not an addict of any kind and never have been, but I suppose that this is very like what it feels like to quit something you are addicted to.
You are all right though, always listen to your gut. It really doesn’t lie to us ~ does it?
Oxy
“So, no answering the phone unless you KNOW WHO IS CALLING and it is not him. YOUR voice NOT the one on the answering machine (even hearing a recording of your voice may egg them on).”
This one made sense to me, and I did do this the first time. I found a way to block specific phone numbers, and he heard “This caller is not available at this time.” Unfortunately, that just made him more angry. But I only waited a few days, so when I block him again I will be sure to wait longer and be stronger when he resorts to other ways to find me.
Right now I am taking Donna’s advice and being limp and boring. If I do respond, it’s monotone. I think that once he realizes I’m not playing he will set me aside for someone more exciting. This approach is also giving me some time to think and not do anything stupid. I am out of the “stupid spot” and I don’t want to go back!
My home is secure but I don’t have motion lights outside yet (it’s on my list). Luckily, my car is in an attached garage, and I always close it.
I do have copies of phones/texts and emails and a log of all attempted contacts for filing police report in case I need one.
Thank you for all of the great advice! I find myself thinking about him less and less as I think about the words on this site.
bulletproof
The one thing that strikes me as I read comments on this site (including yours) is that everyone here is intelligent, literate, and compassionate. That alone makes me feel like I’m not the fool in all this. Reading your words is like reading my own thoughts. I am so glad I found a place where people really do understand.
You have transformed my own thoughts into words that make more sense. It is SO what I need right now and I thank you from the bottom of my open heart.
BentNotBroken,
This man already has a lot of DRAMA going on in his life, (the past and present speaking loudly and clearly), cluing you in to what to expect from him in the future, undending DRAMA. He doesn’t care about all the chaos (he’s reckless) that he’s created not only in his own life but in the lives of others who have become involved with him. He doesn’t “see it,” therefore he’ll keep playing the same game(s) over-and-over again, deriving some sort of satisfaction from all the messes that he creates. There are better people in the world to spend your time (and energy) with (as you already know). Let him go. Peace. I wish you the best.
BentNotBroken,
I have also noticed that everyone here is intelligent and compassionate and it does help to not feel foolish. As intelligent capable people we always feel that we will be smart in relationships and these types of things could not happen to us, but yet they do.
It sounds like you are on the right track and are doing the right thing by keeping him out of your life. I am sure that it will not be easy, but it’s one of those things that we take day by day and each day it gets better.
I think the thing that is so hard, is that we want to believe that there is good in all people and when you see signs of good, that’s what we hold on to.
I know that is what I am doing now. I still feel so much love for him, and he still shows me the man that he wants me to see more often than the other. I think he is trying harder because he feels me pulling away.
wheresmylife,
Sounds like we are in exactly the same spot. Together, we can get through it. Not so easy alone….but I am feeling much stronger knowing that I have support!
If you can do it….I can do it too. Let’s do this!
{insert image of Rosie the Riveter here}
Dear Bentnotbroken,
Get a copy of “The Gift of Fear” by Gavin DeBecker, it is a great one to tell you how to listen to your gut feeling which is PROTECTIVE OF YOURSELF.
Our instincts are there. Yes, No Contact pithes them off but it is takiing back YOUR CONTROL, and if they get more persistent in contacting you, having some contact with them would not have placated them and made them go away any fasxter.
It is all about their OWNERSHIP of you. You are something they feel they are entitled to, and to control. If they ramp up the trying to contact you, keep copies of any threatening e mails, texts etc. Change phone numbers, make a police report, keep a log of all attempted contacts, etc. STALKING is taken more seriously now though getting atemporary restraining order is a pain in the butt, it is worth it in DOCUMENTING what you are dealing with. It won’t protect you but it WILL show that you are serious. Also keep a copy of it ON your person at all times to show to the cops if you need it.
Motion lights outside your house are cheap and easy to install and cameras can be as well. Even ones that see in the dark. BE SAFETY CONSCIOUS because some stalkers CAN be dangerous, and you never know.
Yes, you are NOT ALONE!!!! There is great support here on Love Fraud and READ READ AND READ the old archived articles. GEt on the internet and learn about stalkers and how to handle this.
Right now, I am hoping that my stalker (my P-son) will not get out on parole next year, he has already tried to kill me by proxy by sending one of his friends to do the job, so I may have to CUT AND RUN again, and am preparing to do just that. Learning everything I need to know BEFORE I NEED THAT KNOWLEDGE, about how to “disappear” in plain sight, in other wordxs not leave a paper trail or any connection he can figure out about how to find me. It CAN be done legally, but there are some hoops to jump through. To protect my life I am more than willing to do that though.
Actually, I don’t even have to go FAR in terms of miles, just make sure there is no one at the old area that KNOWS where I am and can point him in my direction AND that there is no paper trail that he can follow. In my case, it will be fairly simple since I don’t have any kids in school, etc. but it is doable if someone is willing to take the necessary precautions. There are also books out there about how to do this. You are not hiding from the FBI, but simply hiding from a private investigator who can trace a drivers license, phone or utility bills, land ownership, etc. taxes, job, professional license, and that sort of thing. California is pretty victim friendly and will even help you secretly change your name and names of kids if you are being stalked. Some other states are as well. If your state isn’t victim friendly you might need to move to a victim friendly state for a while and then once your name and professional license etc even SS# is changed, then move back to your desired area, leaving no trail.
All this costs money and time and ENERGY but I found that I think it is better to live in a tent safely than in a mansion in fear!
Oxy,
Wow, that is some scary shit. I can’t believe you have had to live this way and are coming through it strong and powerful. I am such a whimp. The thought of all that fighting and moving and worrying makes me want to give up. Why does it have to be so hard?!
But I won’t give up. I will get that book, and others, and will read and know exactly what to do if it comes to that. I will be prepared and ready when he crawls out of the woodwork.
Still, I shake my head. How the hell did this become my life? I feel like I’m in a bad Lifetime movie.
Has anyone ever had a stalker find their comments on this site?