Editor’s note: Lovefraud received the following e-mail from a reader who posts as BentNotBroken. She is having difficulty breaking off an involvement with a sociopath and really needs help.
My head is so full that I don’t really know where to start.
I dated a man (off and on) for 2-1/2 years, and recently found out that he was having several long-term relationships at the same time. I had never been in an abusive relationship, so I didn’t know what the gut-wrenching feeling meant. I didn’t know to trust it.
My mind is playing tricks on me at this point. Is he or isn’t he? The signs are so obvious, but then I think of his face, his touch, his words, and I melt. How can this man — this love of my life — how could he have done all those horrible things? My friends tell me to just forget him. Ignore him. But it’s harder than that. It hurts so much. I was completely fooled. Well, if I’m honest — not completely fooled. My instincts were screaming at me, telling me there was something wrong, but I didn’t have enough confidence in myself to listen or walk away. I justified. Women are so good at that. I also couldn’t prove anything. He is a very good liar, and was able to keep us all separate. At least for a while.
We “broke up” last November. His way of breaking up was to just disappear. He promised me the world, then just quit calling. Again. So this time I just let him go. He had done it before, but always came back. Usually used his young daughter as bait. He knew how much I loved that little girl, and he would send a picture or a text and pretend like nothing ever happened. He waited just long enough for me to forget. But this time, he didn’t come back. By the end of January it was eating me alive. The Why of it all. I had begged him to just say goodbye. To tell me the truth. But he never did. He just professed his love over and over.
Trail of lies
So I started searching and found his daughter’s mother online. The mother my ex always said was psycho. Well, finding her opened a huge can of worms. As the story unfolded, I found a trail of lies and deceit and disgust. I had always kept a diary because his behavior was so erratic. I found that he had been with two or three of us within a 24 hour period. He had 5 children with 4 different women (that I know of), and one woman has recently claimed she is pregnant.
Read more: Why sociopaths cheat
I could go on forever explaining all the horrible things he did to me. But I’m sure you’ve heard it many times before. I recently found your site, but only after I had let him back into my life. When I discovered his lies, he began to threaten me (indirectly of course). So I changed my keycode and changed my phone number and blocked his emails, etc. Then as I continued to talk to his most recent girlfriend (who kept going back to him) he started to play us both. He would call her in the middle of the night and ask if she talked to me saying that I was trying to destroy his life, etc., etc.
Sucked me back in
One day I had had enough, so I emailed him and told him off. Well, of course that just opened the door for him. The back and forth emails started, and I finally called him to just end things. Say goodbye. And he sucked me right back in. I have since ended all contact with the other woman. I tried blocking his number, and that just made him more determined. He emailed over and over, and I finally gave in and unblocked him.
So now he has my number again, and I know he’s just trying to keep me under his thumb. I try to ignore him, but if I do he calls my work, shows up at work, and even showed up in front of my house at 3 am last weekend. He’s trying to make me feel sorry for him. He loves me, needs my help, promises to change, is willing to do what it takes, blah blah. I know it’s all lies, but at this point I don’t know how to break free! I am afraid that if I am blunt with him he will try even harder. If I am nice, he will suck me back in. If I just ignore him, he will show up at my work or home.
I desperately want to be free, and at the same time I ache for him. I honestly don’t know how to break free. I was doing so well. I went out with friends Friday night, and he called six times. I did not answer. As soon as I got home he called every 2 minutes. Finally he left a message saying, “You CAN answer.”
So the next time I did. He said he had been driving around all night and couldn’t go home until he saw me. He needed a hug. He wanted to see my face. “Come to the door, I just want a hug.” I opened the door, finally, and he held me. It felt so good. I made him leave with tears in my eyes. I was proud of myself for not letting him in. But he knew he had me then. He knew because of the tears that I was under his control.
How do I resist?
How do I resist this?! I don’t know how to let him go. I’ve read so much on this site my brain hurts. Nobody understands how devastating this is. “You’re beautiful and loving and smart, and you deserve better.” Whatever. And my phone is ringing as I type. The 11 pm call. He knows I’m tired, vulnerable, alone. He probably just left another woman’s house to “shower and pack clothes for tomorrow.”
How the hell did this end up being my life? I plan on getting books as soon as I get paid, but for now I just need an understanding soul. I need to be able to obsess and write and get it all out until it makes sense.
Learn more: Overcoming shame — how to feel worthy of love and respect
Lovefraud originally posted this story on June 23, 2010.
5 reasons why you can hook up with multiple sociopaths
Bent and surely not broken – 🙂
I mostly lurk on this site as I’m on another site regularly, but I felt the need to reach out to you.
I was with my exN for 8 years. Actually, this week is my 3 year anniversary from leaving him. *yay me!*
He was adoring for several years. He showed no signs of affairs outside of multiple business trips and sports events. He was the doting boyfriend – coming home and kissing me on the forehead, calling me his “cutie” and “sunshine” and lord knows what else.
In June of 2007, I accidentally found an email from another woman. I was devastated. After investigation, I learned there were several. I will never know how many. Ever. He lied about jobs, money, property – had sex in my car and in my home when I was away. He was good. It’s called covert for a reason.
Yes. Finding out was a complete nightmare. But it was also a blessing. The jig was up, and this sucker wasn’t going to be a sucker any longer. As soon as I learned of the affair, I changed the locks, got a lawyer and cut off contact. He no longer deserved to be in my life. See, I was worth more than the pain of not having him. And I kept my eyes on the prize – recovery.
You can choose similar. The key is cutting off 100% contact. Yes, it will hurt. Much like detoxing from a drug. But that detox gets better. And soon enough, you will be free. Get help – join various sites, get therapy (PLEASE, get therapy with a therapist familiar with sociopaths, NPD or P’s) and dig deep. Let the pain flow. IT GOES AWAY EVENTUALLY!
Three years later, I’m in a beautiful relationship with a man whom I love, planning a future. I never even imagined I could ever trust again. But I’m working on it. And although I’m never going to be “good as new” – I may even be better.
You can do this. The covert ones are indeed the worst and I find them the hardest to recover from. But you can absolutely do it.
Choose you. Stop the contact.
BentNotBroken,
You are so right, we can get through this together and I am so glad to have found this site and all of the wonderful supportive and understanding people here.
I have spent hours reading stories and blogs on this site the past few days and also made some notes as I remembered things about my situation so I will not forget when I have weak moments and also to try to put all of this together.
It is totally unacceptable for someone to cheat and disrespect the person whom they claim to love and commit to for a life long relationship. Even if that is the extent of the disrespect, it is not tolerable.
We will be here for one another and I am very thankful for that.
knoxy,
Thank you for posting your story, you are truly an inspiration. I will read your post many times, because I know that I need to do the same. Once there is evidence of affairs, all the other issues begin to become crystal clear. Before that discovery the other things were confusing and vague in my mind.
I am giving myself time to process this, but I am taking time for myself, so that I understand the full depth and breath of the situation.
I see a common thread that there needs to be no contact. Also, I have seen many who have gone back after the first discovery and break up and things are worse. I guess that is another reason that I am taking my time, because when I end this, I know that there is no going back – ever.
It’s really all about respecting ourselves and never allowing anyone to disrespect us again. Zero tolerance for disrespect!
I do understand you as I do have a similar situation. I know I should not be doing that but I can’t resist.
I think that moment when he hugged you was the key point. That is what you lack of – hug and love – and that is why you can’t turn him away. He promised that and “gave” that to you and that is what you heart desire.
The key thing is that feeling of love and belonging is what you lack – not him! And that feeling can been given to you by all other man that is not psychopaths! Try to figure that out!
He will hunt you for all the time you resist. He likes the “hunt” and more than you resist he will call more! And come to your door! And after he catches you will be of no interest to him.
It’s hard to get that, trust me I know. I even thought of giving away my PC because I am in the chat room where I met him all day long! I look to witch women is he passing him on…and he ALWAYS use the same staff, links, words…and now he uses my poems to get other women!
I think you should start new relationship – it helps. Mine was married so I can’t have him for long, but it helped. I am a little bit better. He told me – you are not fat, you are not pain in the ass, you are not possessive – like he was trying to put into my head…love heals, it is not important from whom…
KNOXY, tx for your great post! I tnink you gave me some of your energy and that I can to that! Thank you!
Also, i think playing boring is good idea because HE WILL MOVE to someone who is not so boring. That is the point of their act – there is no cat playing with a mouse who pretends to be dead 🙂 She likes when that mouse is kicking….
Alone
relate so much to what you say about the thrill of the hunt..the P also loves to hunt in actual life ..fishing, animals, women, Tv’s, money…all at the mercy of his cold blooded thirst for power (anything will do)
Getting away like any animal that has been caught by a hunter, is tricky. Maybe you have to chew through your leg to get out of a snare, rip a hook out, take a bullet…there is wounding, bleeding and adrenalin…and sometimes he takes his eye off you, not because he is feeling compassion but simply because he has seen bigger prey across the field and is drawn quickly over there….what do you do?
Alone,
You make such a good point that it is not “him” that we need and desire it is the feeling of love that they seemingly give to us. We feel love and compassion and we love the illusion and the dreams.
That is what I am having such a hard time of letting go. Also, I met him on-line and I really do not want to meet people that way. It is so hard to meet people except on a dating site. It seems that the days of meeting someone in person first rather than on the internet, is gone.
Today feels like it is going to be a long day. The things in my life that used to bring me joy and happiness do not even interest me. I just can’t believe that I am here and that this is true about the man I love.
I can completely relate to your story. I was in a “relationship” of the same sort for nearly 1 1/2. I tried ending things many times during the course of our relationship because I KNEW HE WAS LYING. I kept going back. It was like an addiction of sorts. They have mastered this craft. It is their life’s mission to destroy other women. I caught internet porn sites on his phone and even wondered why he was so sure that his former wife was not seeing anyone even after a year after his divorce. It was because he was keeping here there, punishing her as he so well does. They cycle is like this control/anger/punishment/silence/return. GET OUT while you can. I wasted a year and a half. Most recently he called and I picked up the phone and said to me “I don’t know who is out to get me, they are telling my former wife this and that” Who knows if that is even true. However, what is CLEAR is that he still has contact with her and this is not just for the kids sake. He knows what is going on in her personal life, because he is still partially involved. GET OUT GIRL!
Additionally, there will always be new conquests as they get bored very easily.
Alone,
I’ve tried seeking comfort from other men. No one fills that need. No one smells like him or touches me like him or tastes like him. While it is good advice, it did not work for me. Seeking others ended up “cluttering” my life. Suddenly I was responsible for someone else’s feelings and I just was not ready for that. I have since become closer to God, and letting Him fill that need as much as possible. This approach was working great for me until I listened to the nagging voice in my head and sought answers. Once I opened the can of worms, started talking to his “current” conquest and found out all the lurid details, I became his focus again. I am the one who is trying to ruin his life. I really wish I had just trusted my gut and let it go, but I couldn’t.
So now I am not talking to anyone except him (cordially), and any time someone else tries to contact one of the Others, I am suspected. Or at least this is his ploy to reel me in again. Basically, I have put myself in a position where he thinks I am interfering with his desires. I’m trying really hard to be strong and keep my head, and basically slowly disappear from his radar screen by being boring, quiet, and not stirring up any more dirt.
So, in essence, he thinks he has me right where he wants me. He got me to stop communicating with the Others. He has my number again so he can “keep track” of me. He has me looking over my shoulder everywhere I go. He is not committing to me or asking me out…he just calls to chat. Asks how my day was, etc.
The thing that I am most worried about, today, is that anything I do may escalate him, possibly to a violent place. Though he has never called me names or hurt me physically, I know that he is capable of it. My approach right now is to just become as unattractive to him as I possibly can, and not to interfere with his goals.
I guess I am trying to do this without chewing off my leg. I’m working on a solid plan so that I’m ready to flee the moment he takes his eye off me.