Editor’s note: Lovefraud received the following e-mail from a reader who posts as BentNotBroken. She is having difficulty breaking off an involvement with a sociopath and really needs help.
My head is so full that I don’t really know where to start.
I dated a man (off and on) for 2-1/2 years, and recently found out that he was having several long-term relationships at the same time. I had never been in an abusive relationship, so I didn’t know what the gut-wrenching feeling meant. I didn’t know to trust it.
My mind is playing tricks on me at this point. Is he or isn’t he? The signs are so obvious, but then I think of his face, his touch, his words, and I melt. How can this man — this love of my life — how could he have done all those horrible things? My friends tell me to just forget him. Ignore him. But it’s harder than that. It hurts so much. I was completely fooled. Well, if I’m honest — not completely fooled. My instincts were screaming at me, telling me there was something wrong, but I didn’t have enough confidence in myself to listen or walk away. I justified. Women are so good at that. I also couldn’t prove anything. He is a very good liar, and was able to keep us all separate. At least for a while.
We “broke up” last November. His way of breaking up was to just disappear. He promised me the world, then just quit calling. Again. So this time I just let him go. He had done it before, but always came back. Usually used his young daughter as bait. He knew how much I loved that little girl, and he would send a picture or a text and pretend like nothing ever happened. He waited just long enough for me to forget. But this time, he didn’t come back. By the end of January it was eating me alive. The Why of it all. I had begged him to just say goodbye. To tell me the truth. But he never did. He just professed his love over and over.
Trail of lies
So I started searching and found his daughter’s mother online. The mother my ex always said was psycho. Well, finding her opened a huge can of worms. As the story unfolded, I found a trail of lies and deceit and disgust. I had always kept a diary because his behavior was so erratic. I found that he had been with two or three of us within a 24 hour period. He had 5 children with 4 different women (that I know of), and one woman has recently claimed she is pregnant.
Read more: Why sociopaths cheat
I could go on forever explaining all the horrible things he did to me. But I’m sure you’ve heard it many times before. I recently found your site, but only after I had let him back into my life. When I discovered his lies, he began to threaten me (indirectly of course). So I changed my keycode and changed my phone number and blocked his emails, etc. Then as I continued to talk to his most recent girlfriend (who kept going back to him) he started to play us both. He would call her in the middle of the night and ask if she talked to me saying that I was trying to destroy his life, etc., etc.
Sucked me back in
One day I had had enough, so I emailed him and told him off. Well, of course that just opened the door for him. The back and forth emails started, and I finally called him to just end things. Say goodbye. And he sucked me right back in. I have since ended all contact with the other woman. I tried blocking his number, and that just made him more determined. He emailed over and over, and I finally gave in and unblocked him.
So now he has my number again, and I know he’s just trying to keep me under his thumb. I try to ignore him, but if I do he calls my work, shows up at work, and even showed up in front of my house at 3 am last weekend. He’s trying to make me feel sorry for him. He loves me, needs my help, promises to change, is willing to do what it takes, blah blah. I know it’s all lies, but at this point I don’t know how to break free! I am afraid that if I am blunt with him he will try even harder. If I am nice, he will suck me back in. If I just ignore him, he will show up at my work or home.
I desperately want to be free, and at the same time I ache for him. I honestly don’t know how to break free. I was doing so well. I went out with friends Friday night, and he called six times. I did not answer. As soon as I got home he called every 2 minutes. Finally he left a message saying, “You CAN answer.”
So the next time I did. He said he had been driving around all night and couldn’t go home until he saw me. He needed a hug. He wanted to see my face. “Come to the door, I just want a hug.” I opened the door, finally, and he held me. It felt so good. I made him leave with tears in my eyes. I was proud of myself for not letting him in. But he knew he had me then. He knew because of the tears that I was under his control.
How do I resist?
How do I resist this?! I don’t know how to let him go. I’ve read so much on this site my brain hurts. Nobody understands how devastating this is. “You’re beautiful and loving and smart, and you deserve better.” Whatever. And my phone is ringing as I type. The 11 pm call. He knows I’m tired, vulnerable, alone. He probably just left another woman’s house to “shower and pack clothes for tomorrow.”
How the hell did this end up being my life? I plan on getting books as soon as I get paid, but for now I just need an understanding soul. I need to be able to obsess and write and get it all out until it makes sense.
Learn more: Overcoming shame — how to feel worthy of love and respect
Lovefraud originally posted this story on June 23, 2010.
5 reasons why you can hook up with multiple sociopaths
I am feeling very strong and free at the moment. I bought a new bicycle the other day, a good one, and have started riding (something I hadn’t done in many years). Flying down the path with the wind in my hair….I can’t tell you how good that feels right now. Free and light. I want this for the rest of my life. No more drama. No more lies and deception. No more loneliness. Every time I feel the psycho pull, I will hop on my bike and go until I can’t go anymore.
He is completely blocked from my life right now. He can’t call or email or text. He can’t get in my house without my help. And my car is secure at work. My walk into work is secure as well. I am done. And I hope soon you will be too. One thing I keep repeating to myself is, “he has nothing to offer me.” DONE!
Yes, He has nothing to offer me (or anyone) I have nothing to say to him except just move the hell on…stay psychopathic….stay predictable…stay away from me
BentNotBroken,
You Go Girl! That bike of yours is a stroke of genius – at least as emotional intelligence goes.
You’re doing a great job of taking care of yourself.
BentNotBroken,
That is a great idea about the bicycle! And I like what you said that you keep repeating that he has nothing to offer.
Today, I feel free and it is starting to feel good. The pain is still there, but I know that I will be okay. At this point, it is just taking one day at a time. To look much into the future would not serve me well at this time.
Tonight is rough. Three days of no contact. I want to hurt him. I want him to know what he did to me. I want to call him and scream at him. I want him to miss me and cry.
But I won’t hurt him or call him. He will never truly understand or care what he has done to me. He will probably cry fake tears and pretend to miss me in a few days, a week, or even a year.
No, I won’t hurt him. I will simply go to bed and pray for strength. Pray and remember the horrible things he did to me so I can keep from falling under his spell when he does come oozing back into my life.
Damn him.
wheresmylife, I hope you sleep peacefully tonight and that you stay strong.
just wanted to say, this guy sounds JUST LIKE my ex. except that i actually married him.
i left him 11 years ago and even though i had to start over from scratch, it was THE BEST thing i ever did in my life. i am now married to a wonderful man, have two amazing children and very grateful for the life i have. it took me a long time to recover from my ex (in some ways i never will, because i cared for my stepdaughter full time for 7 years and miss her terribly.. the ex disappeared with her when i became clear i wasn’t coming back to him), but it happened and now i understand just how sick and twisted he is.
walking away will be the best thing you have ever done. good luck!
Hi – I’ve been where you are – for 35 years of my life…and finally mastered the art of “not caring” any longer. It took five years to “understand” what he was and what I needed to do. I, too – could tell you horror stories, but, they would pretty much sound like yours.
I’ve gone to 12 step programs for my addiction…went to therapy…talked to my friends…read all the books…and read everyone’s story on Lovefraud…and ended up lying to myself and everyone else. Intellectually – I understood what I needed to do which was to stay away from my abuser…but, there was this strong pull to interact with him. He pushed a button – letter, e-mail, phone call, begging, pleading, crying, etc. – and I jumped.
Any kind of interaction feeds the monster – in him and in ourselves. We keep thinking of the good times…we want to be held…we want our life back (the one we imagined)…we want to be loved.
I used to delude myself by saying: “I love him and my love will overcome any obstacle.” He told me that he loved me a hundred times a day – but, his actions belied those words.
There is nothing and no one who can change your thinking – but, you. It will be as difficult as getting off drugs or alcohol – but, it can be done. It will hurt like hell – but, in the end – it will hurt a lot less than what you have now.
If you don’t block your abuser from your e-mail or change your phone number (by the way – if you pay a small fee – your new phone number will not be listed on the Internet)
it’s because part of you wants to hang on. Negative attention is better than none. The truth is that in this day and age – we can see who is calling. We could decide to pick up the phone or not…we can block certain numbers on our phones…we could ignore our abuser – but, we don’t.
We write and talk and ruminate about our lover/abuser – when in fact we should take a good look at ourselves. If you have time – sit really still (a bubble bath is a great place to have some AHA moments)…and direct your thoughts to YOU – and away from him or us.
Here is the great revelation: You won’t stop intereacting with him until the pain of being involved with him is greater than the pain of being alone.
I had to get out of my relationship because it made me physically sick. My doctor told me that I was going to die if I didn’t get out . My ex was purposefully planning my demise and watched me suffer with a smirk on his face. Now, I don’t know why I had wasted 30 years of my life waiting for him to pay attention (while we were married), and another five years trying to get away. Cutting off all communication was the hardest thing I have ever done…but, I did it…and feel vindicated, strong, in control.
For all of you who are hurting…find a way to love yourself – that’s were your salvation will be. Don’t worry about other relationships…work on the one with yourself.
Have a good day…a good hour…or one good minute…then, pat yourself on the back. It takes baby steps to form new habits…
Petra60,
Great advice…thank you! I am really grateful it’s only been a couple of years and that I am getting out early. I don’t want to get to a place where being with him hurts more than being alone. I’ve seen what the Others have gone through, and I don’t want it to get that far with me. That may be why it feels so hard right now. There’s no fighting or arguments. I am simply shutting the door and saying “you are not good for me.” That is difficult to do when he makes me feel like I am hurting him. He has cheated on me and lied to me, which is more than enough reason to walk away. But to my face he is kind and sweet and loving. It makes me question the boundary between real and imagined.
I force myself to remember the deceitful things he’s done…the “you’re the love of my life” valentine’s day flowers sent to me while he was out of town with another woman. The day he finally took off work to spend the weekend with me, only to find out later hat he was already laid off. The week he took one of the Others to his family reunion only 2 days after we got back together and he promised to love me and only me forever. The fact that he has 2 grown children from 2 different women he never told me about (he wrote them off while they were both young). The locked room in his house that contains videos and pictures of me and the Others that he fantasizes over and uses to threaten us. These are the things I think about to remind me how sick he is and how lucky I am to be free. It hurts to think about, but it is making me stronger.
My relationship hasn’t made me “physically ill” but I have stopped caring about my appearance. I’ve gained weight and have not been taking care of myself like I was before. So that is what I am concentrating on now. Bicycling (went another 7 miles last night ;-), healthy diet, and lots and lots of socializing with friends.
I have blocked his number so he cannot call or text (unless he uses a different number, of course), and the only way he can contact me is via email to work. (I am going to contact the techical folks to see how to block him there. My email at work is public, and there’s really no way to hide it). I did get an “I get the message, but there was no need to block me and good luck” email. He says he will leave me alone if that’s what will make me happy. I am not responding. Really hoping this is it, but I’m sure I will get an email in a few months asking me what games I’m playing or accusing me of trying to ruin his life in some way.
Today I am going to try to forget about my sitch a little more and enjoy my day. Day 4.
I just helped my daughter (6 months pregnant) get away from her sociopath husband. Your comments were very helpful to her.
It has come to light that he had claimed to have been in a common-law marriage in SC years ago (which is recognized in that state). How can we find a way to check into the fact that he may be a BIGAMIST??? I suppose that the only way is to see if they filed joint income tax. Does anyone have any advice on the best way to pursue this research? HELP!!
There are just so many emotions that come up while going through this. I think that is because I suppressed so many emotions to work so hard to make this work. Sadness, anger, grief, empowerment…
Mine still maintains that he wasn’t cheating and that I have the power to fix this. He loves me but this is all my doing because I made a mistake by thinking and saying that he was cheating. He even called my son, to tell him what was wrong with me and to tell him that he wasn’t cheating. At this moment I am just angry. I know what I know and I will not be disrespected this way, by anyone!