Editor’s note: Lovefraud received the following e-mail from a reader who posts as BentNotBroken. She is having difficulty breaking off an involvement with a sociopath and really needs help.
My head is so full that I don’t really know where to start.
I dated a man (off and on) for 2-1/2 years, and recently found out that he was having several long-term relationships at the same time. I had never been in an abusive relationship, so I didn’t know what the gut-wrenching feeling meant. I didn’t know to trust it.
My mind is playing tricks on me at this point. Is he or isn’t he? The signs are so obvious, but then I think of his face, his touch, his words, and I melt. How can this man — this love of my life — how could he have done all those horrible things? My friends tell me to just forget him. Ignore him. But it’s harder than that. It hurts so much. I was completely fooled. Well, if I’m honest — not completely fooled. My instincts were screaming at me, telling me there was something wrong, but I didn’t have enough confidence in myself to listen or walk away. I justified. Women are so good at that. I also couldn’t prove anything. He is a very good liar, and was able to keep us all separate. At least for a while.
We “broke up” last November. His way of breaking up was to just disappear. He promised me the world, then just quit calling. Again. So this time I just let him go. He had done it before, but always came back. Usually used his young daughter as bait. He knew how much I loved that little girl, and he would send a picture or a text and pretend like nothing ever happened. He waited just long enough for me to forget. But this time, he didn’t come back. By the end of January it was eating me alive. The Why of it all. I had begged him to just say goodbye. To tell me the truth. But he never did. He just professed his love over and over.
Trail of lies
So I started searching and found his daughter’s mother online. The mother my ex always said was psycho. Well, finding her opened a huge can of worms. As the story unfolded, I found a trail of lies and deceit and disgust. I had always kept a diary because his behavior was so erratic. I found that he had been with two or three of us within a 24 hour period. He had 5 children with 4 different women (that I know of), and one woman has recently claimed she is pregnant.
Read more: Why sociopaths cheat
I could go on forever explaining all the horrible things he did to me. But I’m sure you’ve heard it many times before. I recently found your site, but only after I had let him back into my life. When I discovered his lies, he began to threaten me (indirectly of course). So I changed my keycode and changed my phone number and blocked his emails, etc. Then as I continued to talk to his most recent girlfriend (who kept going back to him) he started to play us both. He would call her in the middle of the night and ask if she talked to me saying that I was trying to destroy his life, etc., etc.
Sucked me back in
One day I had had enough, so I emailed him and told him off. Well, of course that just opened the door for him. The back and forth emails started, and I finally called him to just end things. Say goodbye. And he sucked me right back in. I have since ended all contact with the other woman. I tried blocking his number, and that just made him more determined. He emailed over and over, and I finally gave in and unblocked him.
So now he has my number again, and I know he’s just trying to keep me under his thumb. I try to ignore him, but if I do he calls my work, shows up at work, and even showed up in front of my house at 3 am last weekend. He’s trying to make me feel sorry for him. He loves me, needs my help, promises to change, is willing to do what it takes, blah blah. I know it’s all lies, but at this point I don’t know how to break free! I am afraid that if I am blunt with him he will try even harder. If I am nice, he will suck me back in. If I just ignore him, he will show up at my work or home.
I desperately want to be free, and at the same time I ache for him. I honestly don’t know how to break free. I was doing so well. I went out with friends Friday night, and he called six times. I did not answer. As soon as I got home he called every 2 minutes. Finally he left a message saying, “You CAN answer.”
So the next time I did. He said he had been driving around all night and couldn’t go home until he saw me. He needed a hug. He wanted to see my face. “Come to the door, I just want a hug.” I opened the door, finally, and he held me. It felt so good. I made him leave with tears in my eyes. I was proud of myself for not letting him in. But he knew he had me then. He knew because of the tears that I was under his control.
How do I resist?
How do I resist this?! I don’t know how to let him go. I’ve read so much on this site my brain hurts. Nobody understands how devastating this is. “You’re beautiful and loving and smart, and you deserve better.” Whatever. And my phone is ringing as I type. The 11 pm call. He knows I’m tired, vulnerable, alone. He probably just left another woman’s house to “shower and pack clothes for tomorrow.”
How the hell did this end up being my life? I plan on getting books as soon as I get paid, but for now I just need an understanding soul. I need to be able to obsess and write and get it all out until it makes sense.
Learn more: Overcoming shame — how to feel worthy of love and respect
Lovefraud originally posted this story on June 23, 2010.
5 reasons why you can hook up with multiple sociopaths
To BentNotBroken, from reading your post I can tell you are still in the in-between stages where you are vulnerable to him and analyzing him and justifying in many ways all the toxic energy you have experienced in the relationship. I think it will take you a while longer before something just totally resonates and you will feel so disgusted by his actions that you will close the door – for good. In the meantime, I hope you will be very careful and keep a low profile. Your guy sounds truly dangerous.
My decades-long on-off relationship with a sociopath/narcissist finally came to an end a month ago after years of not listening to my intuition screaming that something was wrong, something was very off. On the surface he was mild-mannered, smart, engaging, successful, and loved to talk and listen. But he could not be without a woman and played several women at one time. He never really ended a relationship with any of them… kept them all hanging on. He was a master of push-pull and crazy making behavior, yet the calm facade was always there. He was all about appearances. He rarely became overtly angry or raised his voice. Never violent. But he would set up situations that would be so hurtful, and I believe these were all pre meditated. Chilling! Then if he was caught or admonished, he would just disappear until the waters calmed. He did not know how to apologize or feel empathy.
He knew how to play on all his lady friends’ weaknesses. Loneliness, insecurity, etc.. His promises were always empty, as were the words “I love you.” It was all an act. The red flags were there from the beginning but I chose to brush them aside because the chemistry between us was so powerful and he could made me laugh and dream. And oh, those wonderful long talks. The sex was incredible too. But he never followed through on any of our “dreams.”
Every now and then I would catch him in a lie, usually one that was unnecessary for him to tell, and when I would point out the obvious, he would rarely admit to it. Just more silence, then going on as if nothing happened. And the big lies were unbelievable. He lied to me about being divorced when public records showed he was still married and I asked him several times to please tell the truth. Wouldn’t do it. He also lied about seeing a therapist.. I never asked him to see one but he invented the fact that he was. So strange!
What was so pitiful is I became his “friend” after he dumped me at one point for another woman.. I would listen as he complained about her and would offer advice! I can’t believe I disrespected myself so much that I would do that!
Finally the lies and the push-pull got to me and I just ended it cold turkey. Oh, I had ended it before but this time there was no going back. I was sickened by him. He was a waste of my time, and looking back I wonder what was going on with me, what was I thinking! It was an addiction. Now I have finally regained my sanity and do not long for him at all. One month of no contact and it is worth every minute.
He has never been one to stalk so I cannot imagine how difficult and scary that part is for you. I am building a new life surrounding by people who care about me… not users or abusers. You can, too. I wish you all the best!
mo,
Thanks for your comments. It helps so much to read others’ experiences and know that I am not alone. The traits are so similar…it’s so obvious to me now. I wish I had known then what I know now!
One thing you said that sounds so familiar…I was told my P never ended relationships. And he has never been able to say goodbye to me. He just disappears for awhile and then comes round like nothing ever happened. Especially when I wanted to talk about things….he evaded. I wonder why they can’t say goodbye. Why is it so hard for them to just go on to the next victim? Maybe they like thinking that we are waiting in the wings. We are like prized possessions that they can dust off and play with now and then. So sick.
So day 4 is coming to an end and I am staying strong. I have been adding to my posts every day and am being honest about my feelings…in hopes that someone someday will read this and see the ups and downs. That they might learn from my experience. Something good MUST come of this heartache. I am determined that it will.
Good news is that I rode my bike again yesterday and today. I have ridden about 20 miles so far….20 miles in my journey to wholeness and enlightenment. I will go to bed tonight knowing that I am doing something positive for myself.
wheresmylife, I will pray for you tonight. I will pray that you are staying strong (at least on the outside because I know the pain you feel on the inside). Stay true to yourself and don’t get sucked back in.
goldilocks,
I wish I had some information for you, but I am not familiar with marriage licenses. I do remember reading or hearing somewhere that it is very difficult to track marriages. Reviewing income tax returns could be one way to tell, but I don’t know if it’s legal to seek out such paperwork.
My advice, especially since she’s pregnant, is for her to trust her gut. If she gets that sick feeling in the pit of her stomach when she thinks he is lying or cheating, she should trust it. Trust it and just get away. Finding proof helps solidify things and helps with the healing, but it also aggravates the P. If you do go snooping into his past, please be very careful.
I think the most important thing is to remember the “bad things” once in a while. Whenever I started to feel sorry for my ex or for myself – I would pull out old e-mails or cards. It’s amazing how the content changes as I get wiser. He, too sent me flowers – especially to work – so that everyone would think what a wonderful guy he was.
The human mind has this capacity to forget the bad and remember the good. It’s a survival technique – but, it ties the victim to the abuser. We rationalize – forgive – supress and lie to ourselves. I for one – did it – because I wanted to keep my dreams alive. I wanted a happy family…a nice home…security…love…sex… My ex also disappeared – for months at a time because he was in the military. He joined Special Forces so that he could disappear without a reason – without telling me where he was or when he would be back.
My life with him was so crazy making and unpredictable it took me years to stop looking over my shoulders. He literally stalked me – hid in the bushes to watch my house…he asked one of our sons to steal e-mails from my computer…he set me up time and again until I couldn’t distinquish reality from lies.
We trust people because we are trustworthy…we believe what our loved ones say because we love them…we desire happiness – and why shouldn’t we? Nothing the abuser does makes sense – except the part where they act like we want them to act.
The one great lesson I learned is that I wasn’t to blame. Having a dream and being in love is not a crime (except in the abuser’s eyes). I have this theory that abusers hate to be loved. They don’t think they deserve to be happy…so, they sabotage all the good things in their lives.
Maybe their brain chemistry is messed up…maybe they really don’t know how to empathize…whatever the reason for their destructive behavior – I know now that I don’t want that negative energy in my life any longer or again.
I dress up for me. I try to look good for me. I keep my house neat and beautiful for me. I have done so much for everyone else…it’s time for me. And, it’s time for you – whoever you are.
Goldilocks – I don’t know how to find out about your daughter’s husbands bigamist status…but, what would you do if you found out? Hiring a lawyer and going to court is very expensive and emotionally devastating. File for divorce, and hopefully he will sign the papers in a few months without a fight for custody. I feel bad for your daughter and for her baby. The best thing for the baby is for the mother to live a stressfree life. I was so upset during my two pregnancies – I wish I had done things differently for my babies’s sake.
Good Luck.
Hello everyone. I am a Licensed Professional Counselor and member of the Lovefraud Professional Resource Guide. I recently wrote a review of Donna’s new book, Love Fraud, which is published on her book blog. I have been reading Lovefraud blog for at least a year and truly understand what people experience in relationships with sociopaths and pathological narcissists.
I wanted to respond to the post, “Lost” from BentNotBroken:
It will take time for the whole situation to thoroughly sink in, and then you will need to own your anger about feeling abused and/or used.
I see some parallels in this situation with the sociopath and his harem of women when compared to what happens when there is major infidelity in a relationship with generally normal people. The “cheater” (and sociopaths/narcissists are certainly cheaters whether they are sexually unfaithful or not, because their deceit/lying about many other things gives them an unfair advantage for themselves by keeping others in the dark/unable to make informed decisions) benefits — his perceived value goes up — from people in his life competing for him.
It’s a mind game. One way you can help yourself become immune to competing for the sociopath is to really work on regaining your own self-esteem so that you no longer view the sociopath as a prize, or somehow more important than you. Remind yourself he’s just a man, not a deity. Remind yourself that every woman he’s in relationship with is not getting the “best” of him — she too gets the crap.
Women who find out they were part of a harem or juggled often perceive a cheating man as more valuable because he’s truly a limited resource — whether that involves access to his time, affection,etc. This creates a competitiveness that makes him seem more appealing, and many people become hooked by the dynamics due to interest in winning (often due to unresolved issues from their own family-of-origin) even if they really don’t want to be in the relationship with the sociopath/cheater anymore.
What I know helps (from personal and professional experience) with dealing with narcissists is to stop trying to please them or to figure them out at every level. Once you truly know they are disordered, keep that in mind and stop re-playing every detail of every encounter or conversation because it can become time-consuming and circular in your mind, since pathologicals really don’t make sense. Remember they like to pretend and confuse people. You actually can find a way to laugh about this after you’ve done enough crying.
Be harshly judgmental (yes, it’s Ok to do even if you are generally empathic) about his worst qualities, and don’t allow the N/S to blame you for his behaviors (saying you made him abuse you or cheat on you). Remember it’s not your fault what another adult does. All of this can help make obsession toward the sociopath dissolve over time. But it will take time to process and sort through confusion and feelings.
When you learn to stop caring what the N/S thinks about you, you make more room for really valuing yourself again — what you really think, feel and believe in.
A major key to overcoming relationships with pathologicals is to reduce your anxiety since everything they do is intended to keep you off guard, fearful of abandonment or not being loved. By consistently reducing your anxiety, you will be able to detach more emotionally and not feel a heightened need for approval or attention from the N/S.
Doing things DAILY to reduce anxiety will help overcome stress-related triggers so that you are less on auto-pilot with overwhelming feelings of desire and need for the person who wants you to think his love/attention are so valuable. He’s just a man, not God.
Spirituality helps in this way: Pray. Feel and really own the love God has for you. Let the universal guidance/angels embrace you when you feel lonely and vulnerable. Truth in this way really helps set us free. You will be able to feel less intense toward the N/S with more practice of spiritual surrender. The alternative is getting momentary relief from being embraced again by the N/S, which is always followed by anxiety since you know he’s not authentic and that the negative behaviors will be repeated.
When you can step out of the fray and even mentally allow yourself to say he wins/the other women win, you will become more objective. You may find that in fact his appeal has as much to do with feeling competitive and wanting to be the one to “win” him. Reducing your ego in this situation will help you feel a sense of true worth again. Enduring this “loss” will help you actually find yourself again — and fully appreciate what is reality, not the fictional and chaotic life the N/S wanted you to live in with him (where he could believe anything goes and that there are no consequences for bad behavior).
You will find yourself really clear about how his negative qualities and bad behavior affect you, and as you grow toward loving yourself again, the two dichotomies (fully embrace yourself or him / truth or lies) cannot peacefully co-exist within a soul in the process of healing.
Psychotherapy (individual and group) and taking various exercise classes (including yoga, water aerobics and other physical release/activity) will help lower stress and significantly lower anxiety if you do things consistently.
Doing these things allows you to obsess less and focus less on things/other people you cannot control. It’s a form of surrendering. You don’t have to “win” to prove yourself worthy of love from a man.
As you stop over-valuing him (remember that he manipulated you and the other women into doing so by giving himself an unfair advantage), you will learn to accept what is/was. You will be in a better position then to come out stronger and wiser from all you have experienced and will learn many new things about yourself in the process.
Fannie,
Thank you for that insight! This really explains why I was able to go on with my life for several months without really missing him, then this obsession started as soon as I found out there were others. You’re so right. I don’t want him to win. I don’t want the others to win. Your post is helping me understand that I am the real winner because I walked away and I am not tied down by my obsession any longer.
It has been almost a week of no contact. It is getting easier. But yesterday I heard from one of the others. I had deleted her from my IM and didn’t realize she could still see me. I didn’t respond. I was a little torn between walking away and helping her. She doesn’t realize what he is. But I decided I cannot be the one to enlighten her. I feel bad that I am “allowing” him to continue his behavior with other women, but I just can’t open myself up again.
I do not want him back, and I do see him for what he is. But I have been replaying everything in my mind…trying to figure out what it was about this one or that one that he liked better than me. Knowing that it was just a way to have us compete for his love makes everything so much clearer. In a sick, twisted way.
I am involved in church, and that is helping immensely. And in case you didn’t see my earlier post, I bought a bicycle and have been riding with others and by myself. That is helping relieving the stress and my overall health. The one thing I still need to do is see a professional. Sometimes, though, I get so tired of thinking about it that I don’t even want to talk to anyone about it all. So that part is exhausting to think about. I do have a great support system and some wonderful friends to spend time with, which to me is much more important than “having a man.”
Day 6 and I’m holding steady. No contact on my end. Things haven’t escalated yet, though. I can feel something brewing. I am hoping I’m wrong and he will leave me alone this weekend.
Wheresmylife, whereareyou? Check in and let me know how you are doing.
What do you think about this letter?
We have got to stop this. I hate writing in print so I hope you can read my cursive. We have to stop this. My son is 4 years old and I have never spent any time with him. We have done the hate thing for a long time and it’s getting us no where. I don’t want to fight with you anymore. I am sorry it has gotten this far. I’m tired of everyone. You and I have to figure this out. Us going at it is only affecting our son. I would love to get to know him. I miss him more then you can know. His name is tattooed on me just like the rest of my kids. I love him. But it’s been hard for me to spend any time with him because I was afraid what you might do. It’s not that I don’t want to support my son, it’s just I can’t support him if I myself don’t have anything. I made a lot of mistakes in my past which has made it almost impossible to find employment. Especially in todays economy. That’s why I went back to school. To make it better for all my kids including Kouvorious. Believe it or not he is not my only kid. I have 5. Plus 3 stepkids. That’s 8. And I love all of them the same. I want us to get along. I want to be able to spend time with you and my son. Maybe we can get a relationship going instead all this confusion. I will be headed to Gainesville to handle those charges soon. About 3 weeks I will put you on my visitation. I don’t want my son to come see me in jail though. Hopefully they will let me out while I’m in Gainesville and we all can spend time together. Let “us” try and work this out. Don’t work against me, help me. I can use it. That’s if you want the best for our son. He needs his daddy. I know I need him.
Your truly,
Tiwon Ford
BentNotBroken:
Biking must be exhilarating! Sounds like you are making very good progress. We all at LF definitely understand your challenges.
My best wishes to you in your ongoing healing and recovery.
Fannie
Fannie,
Your post was so enlightening! Thank you for explaining that a lot of the “hook” women feel with sociopaths/narcissists is the unconscious desire to WIN the prize. (What prize, ha!) With the man I knew, and the ever-present triangles he created, his status was always elevated.. he would say he “hated it” when several women were vying for his attention, but the truth is he could not live without the attention. Without it, he would wither away and die. Even though all his women had been lied to and cheated on, they were all still willing to have a relationship with him. One smart woman did walk away after a year.. she saw him for what he was. Interestingly, he told me he “respected” that.
I have read that sociopaths often prey on women who are in helping professions such as nurses, teachers, etc., and that was true with this guy as well. Their radar seems to pick up on women that will go along with their crazy making behavior. As a born nurturer and someone who was taught early on to put others’ needs before mine, I was guilty of focusing more on him than on myself, overanalyzed his behavior, and played along with my “arm chair” psychology. I knew it was sick and twisted at times but did it anyway. Fortunately, after enough lies I finally “came to” and got this person out of my life.. it was terribly toxic and degrading to be involved with him, even as “friends.”
I have now deleted all his emails, torn up the cards and letters, and the other day when I came across a photo of him in one of my files, it sickened me to look at him. It took several years of back and forth to get to this point, but I feel happy to have reclaimed myself and my self-esteem. And no more daydreams!
Hi mo152: What you say you read about sociopaths often preying on women who are in helping professions such as nurses, teachers, counselors, etc. is so true from what I’ve seen both professionally and personally.
Only in hindsight do many of us see the hook — we were trying to fix the toxic past within our families, through relationships in the present with toxic people (it doesn’t have to be just romantic relationships with men; it can also be people-pleasing/seeking approval from friends and family).
It took years of working on myself to get clarity. In hindsight, I realized just how many narcissistic people I’d known before I even learned much in depth about sociopaths. The drama of it all had been a great distraction — allowing me to not look closely at myself — before I gave up trying to control people/things as I’d been so well-trained to do in childhood. I can laugh about it all now.
I now find myself turned off by too much chaos and want to flee, whereas before I would try to make things right and bring peaceful resolution to situations with others (the legacy of growing up in an alcoholic family where I was a caretaker/hero and invisible child — talk about multiple roles)….LOL.
I am a better psychotherapist because of it — and so thankful for both the professional and personal experiences that helped me get a better grip on my past (and release the negativity, unrealistic expectations and self-imposed perfectionism), in order to prevent repeating these relationship patterns into the future.
Healing is humbling and so very empowering in ways we can never imagine when we’re caught up in it all!
Best wishes to you,
Fannie