Living in Secret with the Sociopath

Image courtesy of nenetus at

Image courtesy of nenetus at

Are Things Really What We Think They Are?

Things aren’t always what they seem, that’s for sure. And sometimes things aren’t always what they seem when they are right in your face. People can’t really be persuaded, even if something is right in their face.

For whatever their reasons are, people have to come to their own conclusions about things. And most of the time it’s difficult for family and friends to watch someone they love continue in a path that is harmful to them.

Living In Secret

Those of us who fall into the victim category, well, we live in secret. We live in secret about what is really going on for a lot of reasons. We are in denial of our own circumstances even though we know what we know.

I personally knew for a long time something was wrong, something was strange, something was “off”. I couldn’t put my finger on it, I couldn’t make sense of it. It was bizarre at times. I had to ask myself if what I thought I was seeing, I was really seeing.

Of course, the convincing manipulation of the sociopath will successfully pursuade you that what you are seeing is not what you think it is, but it is in fact, all made up in your head. This is where the mind games begin. These are the early stages.

Why Do We Stay Quiet?

There comes a point in time where you begin to feel embarrassed about having put yourself in the situation that you are now in, while at the same time you really have no clue what kind of situation you have put yourself in. But you keep it to yourself. Why? I don’t really know.

I never told anyone about anything. I guess I didn’t really know what to do with it; I didn’t know what to make of it. Am I talking about the shadows he lived in? Yes. Am I talking about the Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde syndrome? Yes. Am I talking about the pathological lying? Yes. Am I talking about the complete disregard for me as a human? Yes. Am I talking about the emptiness and inability of that person to be able to feel anything? Yes. Am I talking about the twisted manipulation to make you think you were loved? Yes.

And yes to a lot more things that we know aren’t normal, we know aren’t right. Yet we live in secret as we sink further and further into confusion, then frustration, then despair, and ultimately complete rage.

Looking Back

If I had to look back, I knew that there was infidelity for sure when I was pregnant with my first child. I knew it. I knew it. I knew it was continuing for years after that as well.

I remember walking through the pet store pushing the basket reflecting on what I knew that I knew. I knew how difficult it was going to be to leave. I told myself, “I’m just going to leave it like this for right now, I just don’t have the energy to fight this right now.” And then I began to take those thoughts and cover over them, for years.

Dangerous Territory

And you know what? This is the scariest part of this whole thing: By the time you realize what you have gotten yourself into, you are too destroyed and depressed to have the engery to get yourself out.

It is a combination of an act of God himself, a small spark of a human drive to survive, and a little push from a few outsiders that love you, to get you to the point of even having the ability to make a decision to remove yourself from the insanity.

Our Own Personal Fight

But until then, you are in secret. A volcano ready to erupt. A quiet, secret volcano. A rumbling in your spirit begins to steam out the top; lava starts to ooze out and rush down the sides, buring everything in it’s path and then, the explosion. This is road that is ahead of us that live in secret. We must make a decision to make a decision.

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34 Comments on "Living in Secret with the Sociopath"

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An act of God, a small exhausted part of my spirit and the acts of loving friends were the final stages of my 20 yr nightmare. No one really gets how you become slowly boiled by these preditors Like boiling the frog. The insanity become norm. Thank god for my beautiful ,friends they saved my life’.


God bless for loving friends. My one very good friend knows me well. She has guided me throughout this relationship. She allows me to take a step back and recognize how I can work this in my favor. I am older, but still not wiser I suppose because when it comes to matters of the heart, we all fall prey.

All the best to you.

I have ONE week of NO CONTACT as of today! I feel great and so strong! It is a process but the final act for me was to tell him, DO NOT CONTACT ME EVER AGAIN, know that I will NEVER answer another phone call or text again, telling my closest friends and family whats really going on and PROMISE NO CONTACT from my side (stepping out of my secret life)and I began seeing a counselor to also hold myself accountable. I feel liberated and after 3 years I’m ready for this!

This is so good to hear Zonna and sounds like it was a long time coming. You have taken some strong steps away from the SP in your life, keep it up!

still waiting to get my lifeback

Congrats on the no contact. Make sure you read as much as possible regarding this disorder. They return and the lovebombing will start again but it will be short live. When they return it’s only to destroy. I have mentioned to others please view youtube videos for assc direct. The one called why the narc hates us. Also, validation from the narc.

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