I’m finally beginning to properly ”˜get’ the age-old adage that life is a journey not a destination. Let me assure you, my particular journey continues to be filled with the most bizarre ups and downs, and I’m coming to realize that truth really is stranger than fiction — well, in my case at least.
Many peculiar happenings and coincidences have been going on over the past few weeks, most of which I am not currently at liberty to share. When the time is right I will put pen to paper, but until then I’ve decided to fulfill my urge to write by focusing on my own personal experiences around the subject of love after the sociopath.
Being Human
As you’ll know if you read my last post, I am now in a relationship with a wonderfully caring soul who is the polar opposite from my ex-husband. He’s been through his own tragedies, losing his previous partner to breast cancer. He is real, he has feelings, he cares and, most importantly, he is human. That means that like me, he has his failings. It means that his responses are not always perfect. Along with letting me know how much he loves me he also freely shows his confusion, demonstrates his hurts, and tells me when he feels in any way upset.
My own responses though, I am coming to learn, often stem from learned behaviours that I came to know from my time with my so called soulmate. Life with him was so darned perfect that there was never a cross word nor anything that caused me to even consider that our relationship was anything other than a dream come true. That dream, of course, turned out to be a living nightmare — but I didn’t know that at the time.
So when Patrice (my Frenchman who speaks no English) becomes quiet or reserved, I instantly question his motives — wondering whether he, like my ex, is trying to manipulate or control me. Of course when my ex was around, I had no such internal guidance or red flags. I just took everything that he showed me to be true, and I continued to shower him with unconditional love. By the time his mask was slipping, I was so far hooked in to his trap that I believed his strange behaviour must be due to something I was doing wrong. And I responded by showing even more love and understanding, opening my heart and soul even wider to embrace and reassure him, so that he would know without question that I loved him wholly and completely. I thought that was what marriage was all about — my ability to love him through whatever issues or problems he was facing, choosing to show more love in the face of his increasingly irrational put-downs and snide remarks.
Trust Without Naivety
From the beginning, the only thing I have promised Patrice is complete honesty — and that is what he gets. In barrow-loads! I continue to do my best to explain to him why I am no longer that naively trusting soul. To clarify why when there is something that happens to concern or rattle me — no matter how small — I will not brush it under the carpet. Instead I will meet it head on, gently in the most parts, and get to understand what it is all about.
The first few times this happened, I felt myself shutting off to him — and I told him so in no uncertain terms. I guess in hindsight mine was probably a pretty harsh comeback when all he was doing from his point of view was sharing his frustrations. For me, it was also incredibly challenging to really speak up for myself. To ”˜go there’ when the circumstances seemed in many ways to be fairly petty. But I did it because I felt there was no point if I kept quiet — where is the honesty in keeping a painted smile?
And I’m pleased that I’ve learned to do this. I’m proud of myself for questioning every tiny misunderstanding, so that together we can understand, learn and lay solid foundations. This is the first time in my life that I’ve felt able to behave in this way with someone who is so close to me. So what has changed?
Courage To Be Real
Well, I think that once again it’s an opportunity for me to feel gratitude for all the unpleasant and sometimes downright ghastly experiences that I’ve encountered over my life so far. When I became an orphan I quickly learned how to fit in, shut up, put up and stay quiet — in short how to become invisible. I learned to ignore my own cries for help, and to push down my feelings of pain and loneliness. In their place I chose instead to focus on understanding and helping others — little realizing that through doing that I was simply pushing my own identity further and further within me, until I didn’t even know who I was. Oh yes, I had a mask of my own. But my mask, unlike that of the sociopath, was one created for survival. One that hurt nobody else but myself.
The mask of the sociopath, on the other hand, is a carefully crafted guise of love and devotion, designed to disable their target so they bend to their every twisted whim and manipulation. Is it any wonder that I fell so completely, hook line and sinker, for his practiced act of adoration and love? Having been starved of such connections for so many years, my ex was like a breath of fresh air. I truly felt that I had come home, and that life would be forever rosy. Looking back I can’t help but have a wry smile, realizing that I must have been a particularly easy target for him. They talk about rose-coloured spectacles”¦ well, mine must have caused me to be blind, deaf and dumb to his scheming ways. I was so wrapped up in the dream of finally finding happiness that I simply couldn’t see what was right under my nose.
It’s only in recent years that people have shared with me their own views on my ex-soulmate. I’ve heard many words to describe the man I thought was handsome, charming, charismatic, and the life and soul of the party. Opinions such as ”˜cheesy’ ”˜fake’ ”˜annoying’ ”˜a braggart’ and many more are now being voiced by the people who knew him. When I ask why they didn’t tell me at the time, I receive the perfectly reasonable reply that they didn’t think it was any of their business. That I was quite clearly in love and happy with this person, so they didn’t want to rain on my parade.
I Still Believe In Magic
Hmmmm”¦. My own worst enemy? Well, perhaps so”¦ but only now with the insights I have learned through my own journey to recovery. Do I blame myself? Far from it! I am deeply proud of what I have survived — and I also believe that it was because of my stubborn belief in magic that I didn’t allow myself to go down when all around me was falling to pieces. Ironically, I now believe that it was those very same characteristics that kept me so blinkered to his ways (including my innocent belief in love and happy ever after) that eventually proved to be my salvation. Through the bleakest days weeks and months following the meltdown, I still held strong to my conviction that everything would work out in the end — even though there were many times when it would have seemed the more sensible option was to just give up and give in.
I remember consistently telling people that if I could feel so in love and so fulfilled with someone who was nothing more than a conman, then when a real man came in to my life, the experience could only be many times better! I confess that for a long time this was more of a mantra than a strongly held conviction — but you know what? It has worked wonders for me.
Because now, in the company of Patrice, I am able to check and double-check on everything that happens between us. I can ask what’s wrong when he seems to be less bouncy than usual. I can speak up for myself if I feel he’s being unreasonable. I can ask what he’s feeling when he seeks reassurances. I can tell him I need space when I feel too squashed. And I can let him know every time he makes me feel like a princess — and that feels great.
So, no, it ain’t always easy being in a ”˜real’ relationship after the false perfection that I knew for so long. But goodness knows it’s healthy and it’s honest. And through continued talking, sharing, hugging and learning about each other, I am feeling more settled, safe and loved than ever before in my life.
Does it mean I’m going to become a pushover with him? Heck no! I shall probably keep questioning even the smallest details for however long we stay together. I refuse to say ”˜forever’ anymore, because the last time I did that I lost any hope of remembering who I really was. Nope. This time it is day by day, and let me tell you that right now, with each day that passes, this particular relationship is more fulfilling, exciting, rewarding, challenging, and loving than anything I ever experienced with my ex.
As I said at the start of this post, I am finally appreciating the joys of life’s journey. I do not need to focus on a destination, because I will never be ”˜there’”¦ I am here. And here is exactly the right place for me right now. However long this particular ”˜now’ lasts doesn’t even matter in the grand scale of things. Because whatever happens in the future, I know I am at last able to be true to myself and to those around me.
So in actual fact the real love I’ve found is love for myself — and with that, no-thing and no-one can ever harm me again. As Patrice keeps saying to me “que des bonnes choses maintenant” which means “only good things now” — and you know what? I fully agree.
If you read my gray rock article, you’ll read about the man in the sushi bar. He saved my life. He told me about spaths.
Later, on the phone, he asked me if there was anyone in my family that I can trust. I said, “yes, my parents.”
As it turned out, my parents have issues too. My father’s mom was a spath or borderline. He told me stories about her but he can’t see her as anything but a saint. My mom told me more stories…
My mom’s family has so many issues too. But she can just barely see that.
I know an 80plus year old lady who cried on my shoulder, “WHY did my parents abandon me? why did they drop me off to be with other families?”
After learning a bit about her, I said, ‘P, you mom was trying to protect you from your dad. He was a pedophile.”
She said, “oh no, He wasn’t anything like that. He was an admiral in the navy and she was a nurse.”
Later, I talked to her daughter and told her what transpired between P and I. P’s Daughter said, “Oh no, granddad wasn’t like that, although he did fondle me once. I just stopped talking to him.”
WTF?
How could P’s daughter not understand, not see? I could see it from 3 generations later, and I BARELY knew them. P’s daughter has been the victim of 3 bad husbands and severe auto immune disease. duh.
Her (P’sdaughter’s) daughter weighs over 300 lbs, lives with her, won’t date any men and is a very authoritative nurse who makes big bucks.
The whole family is a disaster.
you wouldn’t believe it. But none of them see it. They all think they are great and money is all that matters.
BTW, I have talked to my own parents about their upbringing and their kids. They AGREE with me. They do understand, to a point. They know they fucked up raising us. Their solution? Money. They think if they give me money they can fix it. But they haven’t changed their behavior.
I’m not saying I know anything about YOUR family. I’m just saying that it’s REALLY hard to see. We love our parents so much. My own parents mean the world to me. You can’t imagine how much. Without them, I feel like I don’t even want to live.
What skylar is trying to say shane, i think is that there are generational things that prime us for sociopaths. No matter how healthy someone thinks their family is, there is unhealthiness present in ALL families. No family exists without dysfunction at some level.
It is known that children have an uncanny ability to deify their parents in some way, shape, or form. It is their family of origin. Parents wire a childs brain in development. Thats right. They are responsible for everything in a childs brain development. When as an adult, one can sit through therapy and objectively look at that family dynamic and decipher what happened from an honest point of some level of detachment from that biological desire to feel their family was perfect (a very normal desire), one can begin to see how that has impacted their current life. Its a tough journey to take, but the level of self awareness that results is sooooooo rewarding and will assist someone in guarding themselves from the next predator in the future.
To give a practical example, lets say Johnny had a father who did everything for everybody even if it meant being walked on at times. Yes, from the outside, its great to be a giver, but from the inside, a couple layers can be uncovered. 1. Being a constant caretaker for all and never doing for yourself can have consequences inside that person, it can be emotional, mental, physical, spiritual, etc and 2. Johnnys dad grew up with a mother who took care of everyone and his father was an alcoholic, abusive and walked all over his mother all the time.
So, now Johnny watching his father do the same thing because he learned it from his mother and has no idea what boundaries are, etc, Johnny learns it from him, Johnnys kid learns it from Johnny.
See where Im going with this here? No matter what, there can be 10 things coming from different generational elements of a family that prime us to be a target of these predators.
Is that your familys fault? Im not suggesting that. Im just trying to help you understand how there are layers that must be uncovered and thats exactly what your therapist will help you do.
I just want to emphasize the importance of figuring out what made us targets and educate ourselves both about those things and about the games the predator plays. Not to blame ourselves or our family of origin but so we can become more aware and be able to better protect ourselves. Not so that we will never trust anyone ever again but so that we may begin to learn to trust ourselves, to listen to that little voice inside of us, see the red flags sooner, to heal, to live well, and to have boundaries so that we never accept the unacceptable again from anyyyyyone, not just a predator.
You feel me?
A good read http://www.lovefraud.com/blog/2012/09/10/after-the-sociopath-another-sociopath/
Shane my last relationship lasted only six months and I too thought it was strange I’d use so much time to get over it. When the relationship ended I was in shock that I was so devastated over something that lasted shuch a short period of time. I asked my doctor about it and he said, he’s seen worse cases in shorter periods of time, it was not unusual at all. My guess is that spaths reopen ALL the old wounds and trigger alot of patterns at the same time, leaving the victim in a total mess. When you have, let’s say 20 patterns/reopened wounds/ trauma running at the sime time, well then you have a system crash withing you. I did not chrash this hard with the first spath (3 yrs. long relationship with more vilolent abuse I never adressed in the aftermath) , but now I am older, I understand more AND my body, mind and soul was already filled with enough trauma, it would only take a little drop to make it overflow. Now, how can you fix a system crash, with 20 destructive patterns running in only let’s say a month? It’s not possible. I for instance, never adressed my traumas and now I’ve got them all in my lap, my entire life is in my lap. This healing or recovery is a lifelong work. There will always be some triggers or something we’d need to adress within our selves, but I do believe the works becomes much easier by time. Once we’ve done the work, went thru the different layers, I do believe we don’t have to be so awake all the time, we can relax and just be in the moment.
I made a commitment to my self, I am going to take this and work with it, once and for all. I am never going to go thru this again. It it my promise to my self, a promise of a better life, no matter how long time this process will take. What is two years compared to the rest of my life?
Thank you for the warm welcome Shane and for the prayers. I truly need them.
Skylar thanks for the advice that’s actually what I have been doing reading about sociopathy as much as I can. That’s actually how I found out about him. His Aunt said I know why his does things to you because he’s a dog but why doesn’t he do for hisself or his child? So I wound up googling compulsive lying, unreliable and irresponsible at the same time and everything fit to a tee. Got him to admit it too. He said he felt isolated and different. When we talked again he said he wanted help but didn’t know if he could be helped. And by the third conversation he took all those words back and insulted my intelligence and started the blame game. I know this is gonna be a long journey to peace and sanity but it will be well worth it. If it takes 3 years or 10 I will never fall for this again and I will never put a man before God.
Mel, I really loved your article and especially about the fact that you can still believe in magic.
First I just want to say that I envy your French language skills :). I speak French but not well enough to carry on a conversation, never mind date a Frenchman! It’s too bad because French men are so sexy lol.
As I’m right on the precipice of what I believe is going to be a romance with a truly compatible and incredible man, I am learning that I left my belief in magic back in my 7th year. There was one summer when I was 7 when my father used to pick up me and my sister and take us to his gf’s apartment. (My mother and father divorced when I was 6). His gf had two children who knew all the kids in the neighborhood. So I would play with all the kids and have little romances with the neighborhood boys. There was one in particular that I got very close to. We used to make out a lot in a dugout that all of us kids made behind the apartment. Even at the tender age of 7, I was very boy crazy and a hopeless romantic. This is my nature. 🙂 But one day I showed up, and the boy I like had moved away. I never saw or heard from him again. Of course, he had no way to contact me. We only knew each others’ first names.
I never realized until recently how much I shut down after that. That, together with pain of the divorce and loss of my father’s attention, made me feel like romantic love would always be impossible for me. I developed the belief that if there was ever a man I really cared about, he would leave. And I have played out this pattern with every single man in my life. I’ve always been terrified to let a man know I wanted him. This is what I’ve been struggling with the past few weeks that has caused me so much anxiety. And I am finally turning the corner, with the help of a very good hypnotist.
I am starting to recover the magic in my life again, in every respect – at work, at play, and with men. And instead of running away from the man I’m currently getting close to, or pushing him away out of fear, I’m attempting to get closer. This is a new thing for me, breaking this old pattern of driving a man away before we he even has a chance. Or thinking that if I am vulnerable with a man, I will drive him away.
I’m really excited about having a new and more vulnerable/honest kind of relationship like the one you have with Patrice. Thanks for being a role model for me in this regard. I wish you continued happiness, Mel, and look forward to hearing more.
Thanks for sharing your words of wisdom with me, Sky, Stronger and Sunflower. Thank you for the link, Strong. I have read that article and the thread that follows, a couple of times, and one of the most profound statements (made by Sunflower) that has stuck in my mind is, in fact;
“I believe that our childhood and past isn’t only a place were we store our pain, therein lies the key to our healing”.
Therefore the reson for looking into this with therapist. Just off the top of my head, I remember sitting in a family therapy session when I was in my late teens, my dad making the comment “Shane trusts people too much”. Well, I would love to speak with my dad further, and dig down deeper about this trait I had always possessed…until the P came along, of course… and knocked the wind out of me. Things are obviously different with me in terms of my trust issues. I trust myself immensely, now, after a long road of healing from within. On the other side of the coin, I still lack much trust for others… Thank you, again! ~Shane