I’m finally beginning to properly ”˜get’ the age-old adage that life is a journey not a destination. Let me assure you, my particular journey continues to be filled with the most bizarre ups and downs, and I’m coming to realize that truth really is stranger than fiction — well, in my case at least.
Many peculiar happenings and coincidences have been going on over the past few weeks, most of which I am not currently at liberty to share. When the time is right I will put pen to paper, but until then I’ve decided to fulfill my urge to write by focusing on my own personal experiences around the subject of love after the sociopath.
Being Human
As you’ll know if you read my last post, I am now in a relationship with a wonderfully caring soul who is the polar opposite from my ex-husband. He’s been through his own tragedies, losing his previous partner to breast cancer. He is real, he has feelings, he cares and, most importantly, he is human. That means that like me, he has his failings. It means that his responses are not always perfect. Along with letting me know how much he loves me he also freely shows his confusion, demonstrates his hurts, and tells me when he feels in any way upset.
My own responses though, I am coming to learn, often stem from learned behaviours that I came to know from my time with my so called soulmate. Life with him was so darned perfect that there was never a cross word nor anything that caused me to even consider that our relationship was anything other than a dream come true. That dream, of course, turned out to be a living nightmare — but I didn’t know that at the time.
So when Patrice (my Frenchman who speaks no English) becomes quiet or reserved, I instantly question his motives — wondering whether he, like my ex, is trying to manipulate or control me. Of course when my ex was around, I had no such internal guidance or red flags. I just took everything that he showed me to be true, and I continued to shower him with unconditional love. By the time his mask was slipping, I was so far hooked in to his trap that I believed his strange behaviour must be due to something I was doing wrong. And I responded by showing even more love and understanding, opening my heart and soul even wider to embrace and reassure him, so that he would know without question that I loved him wholly and completely. I thought that was what marriage was all about — my ability to love him through whatever issues or problems he was facing, choosing to show more love in the face of his increasingly irrational put-downs and snide remarks.
Trust Without Naivety
From the beginning, the only thing I have promised Patrice is complete honesty — and that is what he gets. In barrow-loads! I continue to do my best to explain to him why I am no longer that naively trusting soul. To clarify why when there is something that happens to concern or rattle me — no matter how small — I will not brush it under the carpet. Instead I will meet it head on, gently in the most parts, and get to understand what it is all about.
The first few times this happened, I felt myself shutting off to him — and I told him so in no uncertain terms. I guess in hindsight mine was probably a pretty harsh comeback when all he was doing from his point of view was sharing his frustrations. For me, it was also incredibly challenging to really speak up for myself. To ”˜go there’ when the circumstances seemed in many ways to be fairly petty. But I did it because I felt there was no point if I kept quiet — where is the honesty in keeping a painted smile?
And I’m pleased that I’ve learned to do this. I’m proud of myself for questioning every tiny misunderstanding, so that together we can understand, learn and lay solid foundations. This is the first time in my life that I’ve felt able to behave in this way with someone who is so close to me. So what has changed?
Courage To Be Real
Well, I think that once again it’s an opportunity for me to feel gratitude for all the unpleasant and sometimes downright ghastly experiences that I’ve encountered over my life so far. When I became an orphan I quickly learned how to fit in, shut up, put up and stay quiet — in short how to become invisible. I learned to ignore my own cries for help, and to push down my feelings of pain and loneliness. In their place I chose instead to focus on understanding and helping others — little realizing that through doing that I was simply pushing my own identity further and further within me, until I didn’t even know who I was. Oh yes, I had a mask of my own. But my mask, unlike that of the sociopath, was one created for survival. One that hurt nobody else but myself.
The mask of the sociopath, on the other hand, is a carefully crafted guise of love and devotion, designed to disable their target so they bend to their every twisted whim and manipulation. Is it any wonder that I fell so completely, hook line and sinker, for his practiced act of adoration and love? Having been starved of such connections for so many years, my ex was like a breath of fresh air. I truly felt that I had come home, and that life would be forever rosy. Looking back I can’t help but have a wry smile, realizing that I must have been a particularly easy target for him. They talk about rose-coloured spectacles”¦ well, mine must have caused me to be blind, deaf and dumb to his scheming ways. I was so wrapped up in the dream of finally finding happiness that I simply couldn’t see what was right under my nose.
It’s only in recent years that people have shared with me their own views on my ex-soulmate. I’ve heard many words to describe the man I thought was handsome, charming, charismatic, and the life and soul of the party. Opinions such as ”˜cheesy’ ”˜fake’ ”˜annoying’ ”˜a braggart’ and many more are now being voiced by the people who knew him. When I ask why they didn’t tell me at the time, I receive the perfectly reasonable reply that they didn’t think it was any of their business. That I was quite clearly in love and happy with this person, so they didn’t want to rain on my parade.
I Still Believe In Magic
Hmmmm”¦. My own worst enemy? Well, perhaps so”¦ but only now with the insights I have learned through my own journey to recovery. Do I blame myself? Far from it! I am deeply proud of what I have survived — and I also believe that it was because of my stubborn belief in magic that I didn’t allow myself to go down when all around me was falling to pieces. Ironically, I now believe that it was those very same characteristics that kept me so blinkered to his ways (including my innocent belief in love and happy ever after) that eventually proved to be my salvation. Through the bleakest days weeks and months following the meltdown, I still held strong to my conviction that everything would work out in the end — even though there were many times when it would have seemed the more sensible option was to just give up and give in.
I remember consistently telling people that if I could feel so in love and so fulfilled with someone who was nothing more than a conman, then when a real man came in to my life, the experience could only be many times better! I confess that for a long time this was more of a mantra than a strongly held conviction — but you know what? It has worked wonders for me.
Because now, in the company of Patrice, I am able to check and double-check on everything that happens between us. I can ask what’s wrong when he seems to be less bouncy than usual. I can speak up for myself if I feel he’s being unreasonable. I can ask what he’s feeling when he seeks reassurances. I can tell him I need space when I feel too squashed. And I can let him know every time he makes me feel like a princess — and that feels great.
So, no, it ain’t always easy being in a ”˜real’ relationship after the false perfection that I knew for so long. But goodness knows it’s healthy and it’s honest. And through continued talking, sharing, hugging and learning about each other, I am feeling more settled, safe and loved than ever before in my life.
Does it mean I’m going to become a pushover with him? Heck no! I shall probably keep questioning even the smallest details for however long we stay together. I refuse to say ”˜forever’ anymore, because the last time I did that I lost any hope of remembering who I really was. Nope. This time it is day by day, and let me tell you that right now, with each day that passes, this particular relationship is more fulfilling, exciting, rewarding, challenging, and loving than anything I ever experienced with my ex.
As I said at the start of this post, I am finally appreciating the joys of life’s journey. I do not need to focus on a destination, because I will never be ”˜there’”¦ I am here. And here is exactly the right place for me right now. However long this particular ”˜now’ lasts doesn’t even matter in the grand scale of things. Because whatever happens in the future, I know I am at last able to be true to myself and to those around me.
So in actual fact the real love I’ve found is love for myself — and with that, no-thing and no-one can ever harm me again. As Patrice keeps saying to me “que des bonnes choses maintenant” which means “only good things now” — and you know what? I fully agree.
betsybugs, I can somewhat relate to the anger issue you are talking about. I became so angry my self in a relationship that lasted for only six months. My boyfriend was exactly the same. Now as I think back, I never had a boyfriend, he was in a relationship with him self. I was his mother. Period. To me he was only a parasite sucking the life out of me. He gave me nothing.
So ok, he loveboms you, but he really doesn’t take care of you, because the lovebombing it self doens’t ensure you on a mental level, emotional level or physical level. That job he has disclaimed himself long ago. The only thing the lovebombing ensures is your ego. It fills up your old wounds so you don’t have to look at them.
Do you think it really is surprising that you are angry after 30 years with THAT? I can’t see how you find it strange that your going mental, it only took me two months before I snapped, what are you made of woman? Steel? Where I come from, a man like that would be single for a very long time….
And you were also talking about your past… I bet this is the same pattern you had in your childhood. You keep pampering men so you don’t have to be beaten. I guess with a abusive childhood and parasitick husbands for decades would make you store up so much anger that one day the bubble will blow. The danger is how will anger release it self when you’ve lost controll over it? Will it react as it was thought when it was a child? Do you feel guilty for your own anger when you think back on your father? Or will your body just stop and collapse when it has had enough? I’m sorry, but I don’t see anything strange with you. All I see are lifepatterns that’s in a dire need to be changed.
Keep reading in here, you will find the answers you seek.
Best of luck.
Betsybugs,
Big hugs for you. Look into schizoid personality disorder and see if you recognize your husband in the traits. Some things you said remind me of that. Keep in mind that they can have that and also be a sociopath or have other disorders along with being schizoid.
Betsybugs, A number of things came to mind while reading your post. Whether your husband has a PD or not, I can’t say. Narcissists can’t form real attachments to other people and when they are confronted with reality, (rather then their fantasy world of perfect love…ideal love, in which they are perfectly loved, because they are perfect) they withdraw. We feel hurt, confused, duped and angry.
The anger takes on a life of it’s own. This is another aspect of the trauma bond. There are big problems and anxiety in the relationship, with seemingly no solutions, so, the trauma response is, “fight, or flight”. Your preferred response is fight…his is flight….he simply checks out.
You carry the anger for the relationship and he avoids it. He carrys the irresponsibilty.
Jung said that what one partner represses, the other partner expresses. There should be a balance in relationships, with both partners on a pretty even level, displaying, dependane, independance, anger, hurt, frustration, connection….when one person is displaying much more of one of these things than the other, there is something very wrong.
You are not crazy. It’s ok to be angry, but the question is, what are you willing to do about it? You have no control over your husband. You can’t make him see you, look at you, talk to you, express his inner world to you, love you, be fully present with you….No matter how much you rage, you can’t make him. He sounds as if he’s pretty content with this arraingment. Are you satisfied with it? You have two opptions: Accept it, or reject it. If you accept it, you can let go of the anger surrounding trying to change it, or fix it. If you reject it you will also be free of the anger. Either way you will be free to work on yourself and your life.
JM2cents.
Dear Betsybugs,
It sounds like you are very very unhappy in your marriage of this last 30 years. That some times you’d like to leave your husband, but other times you are afraid to do so.
I am hearing you say there are many things there that you resent in your husband’s behavior, and you feel that there is no real intimacy between you.
I am also hearing you say that you feel a great deal of rage at the things life has dealt you, starting from when you were a child and your father beat you and your sisters, and your mother didn’t protect you.
A very positive thing I am hearing, though, is that you are in therapy. I hope that you will continue in therapy.
I also hope that you will continue to blog here. God bless. (((hugs)))
So many great articles and comments here lately!
I often worry about the consequences of nc in terms of how it will affect my ds. I’m nc with pretty much all of the spath’s enabling family who ALL live here, while my own is far away (and I’ve been nc with my narc mother for several years). He makes comments about it from time to time, and I know it’s out of worry. I used to say they were “bullies” to me and that’s why I never got invited to family functions because that was the only concept his young brain could understand. I really regret that, because it’s stuck with him. He is super-protective of me and confused why someone he loves so much would be persecuted so. I try to emphasize how much they love him, and how happy I was that he was loved, even by has dad (though I doubt the sincerity of that “love”. He loves the status of being a father, but the real work got left to me and now the new wife). I almost wish I hadn’t been so quick to go nc with his family now, but I really did need my space, and their denial just contributed to the gas lighting I was already experiencing with the spath. To their credit, not one of them agreed to testify on his behalf against me during the custody battle. That kind of surprised me, because he can be really terrible with them when he doesn’t get his way.
I guess I’m toying with the idea of resuming some sort of contact with a couple of them for my ds’ sake. The prospect is frightening, because I don’t want to make myself vulnerable to them or have them used as messengers to relay information about me to him. I just can’t think of any other way to ease my ds’ mind. I know he doesn’t think I’m a “bad” person who deserves to be shunned by his family now, but will he think so in the future. I used to weep reading those stupid co-parenting books (pre-spath education) which talked about grown-up kids who had all sorts of respect for their moms for never talking smack about their fathers and maintaining a cordial relationship with their exes after the divorce. I felt like a failure for not being “brave” enough to continue any sort of contact with him outside e-mail, but I knew I had to start putting up healthy boundaries for myself for ONCE in my life. I’m convinced that I can be a better mom when I’m out of that drama and not wrecked with anxiety, but will he know that?
Just once I would love to hears a success story of a parent who went nc and still had the respect of their children. Why aren’t there more of those? Is it because it doesn’t happen very often?
Betsybugs – I totally relate to everything you wrote! I’ve had so much anger trapped inside me since childhood. I wasn’t allowed to express anger there, so when I got out on my own *holy cow*! I was like a teenager with a fake id. I drank it up. Everything made me angry. My relationships were totally dysfunctional. I would devote myself completely to one boy after another… totally unaware of who I was or what I needed. Everything was about catering to them so they would *love me*. Failure to reciprocate triggered enormous disappointment and fury at not getting back the totally impossible romantic ideal I felt I deserved as repayment. The anger scared them off, naturally. Can you see why I would be the perfect target for any sociopath? I gave them everything, and after the honeymoon stage was over, I’d realize I was getting nothing back. In fact I was losing an awful lot. Out came the anger, but instead of running away like a normal person, they delighted in the reaction, and set about finding ALL the things that triggered me to make me react more so they could then point me out to all and declare “Look! See how crazy she is?!”. A horrible cycle which kept repeating itself until I realized how much self-loathing I had to allow such a thing to happen. I’m still learning who I really am outside of just reacting to my environment all the time. I’ve been relationship-free for over 3 years. I do get very lonely at times, but there’s still a lot of ME to work on. I still get angry, but the resentment is falling away with the knowledge that it is fleeting and I always have control over it now. Stuffing anger is what builds resentment, and I don’t play with that anymore. Healthy expressions of anger put you squarely on the path of forgiveness. Maybe not right away, but eventually we will have to make that peace for ourselves. Forgiveness is the hardest thing to learn after a spath. But I read the stories here and have hope that eventually coming to terms with my own part in my victimization will give me the tools to never be victimized again, and maybe I’ll even find love, too!
Please keep reading and sharing. You are a valuable member in this community!!
Freemama, exposing your child to enablers will do him no service. “Family” is not defined by a shared DNA, IMHO. “Family” are those people that surround us with unconditional love, support, encouragement, truthful speaking, and do not maintain a personal agenda where we are concerned.
Of course, you have choices to make, here. I would gently suggest that involving any fence-sitters or enablers in your child’s life would be a grave mistake for your child’s sake. Your child will carry the burden of the spath’s dynamics, by proxy, and the spath games will continue via your child.
My belief about co-parenting with a sociopath and exposing these children to the spath’s family is that it is only an exercise in futility. Spaths don’t develop overnight, and they often were raised in family environments that either promoted or enabled spath behaviors. Sometimes, a spath develops spontaneously, and parents of those spaths are aware of what they are and take protective steps to avoid the entanglements.
The spath’s family members are in league with them, either out of fear or their own addictions to drama/trauma. Read as much as you can in the archived articles about “co-parenting” with spaths – an actual oxymoron if there ever WAS one! Before you make your decision, become well-informed and seriously examine your own motives for opening up that door for your child to step through. Ask yourself what benefits your child would experience, and compare those “benefits” to what you already know about the spath, his techniues, and how his family members have treated you throughout your association with him.
Brightest blessings
Thank you, truthspeak. Haven’t thought of it that way. I figured since he won the 50/50 custody (more like 80/20- he just wanted the law to read that he COULD have it if he wanted), that his family would be part of my ds’ life and I should encourage that. Thinking about my own family of origin, however, I can see very clearly that there’s only 3 people in my huge, dysfunctional family who are “normal”, and they aren’t my parents. What fortune my ds has to one day understand that one of the “normal” ones was his dear old mum. That will be some comfort, I think. Wish I could have had that. You’re right – the truth will come out, and I don’t need to force it either way. The best lesson I can give is that we always have the power to create our own loving families. My pre-spath friends sort of abandoned me during our relationship – he made them uncomfortable and they fled en masse. I have very few close friends now, but I can always commit to taking the time and energy to create my own family. It’s challenging when you’re a single mom who works full-time, but I know I have a lot to offer and the time must be made to create that network.
Has anyone else seen “Antonia’s Line”? In the best of worlds, that is roughly how I visualize my “family” being. Not the lunatics who happen to share DNA with my ds.
Freemama, your pre-spath friends may have “fled en masse” because they could see the train wreck that was coming without any means to stop it. In addition to that, spaths patently isolate their targets with deliberate malice – it’s MUCH harder to manipulate and coerce someone if there are people to witness the gaslighting.
In relation to your own family dynamics, it may be helpful in your decision when you take an objective look (sans emotional response) to what you endured and then imagine what your own child will be required to endure if exposed to the spath family. The spath family is equally culpable because they actively enable and look the other way when “outsiders” are destroyed by the spath. Your child will – without a doubt and most certainly – bear the adult burdens of spath carnages that will form his gentle psyche and self-perceptions for the rest of his life.
Children have no advocacy. Not in Family Court, and not in dysfuncitonal family environments. You are your child’s only advocate, and even then, it is limited by growing independence and the fact that you cannot live your child’s life FOR him. What you DO have the power to do is to control who you will choose to expose your child to. And, involving the spath’s family members in your child’s life could result in further damages. “He said…she said….you know that your mother ____ and your father _____…..your mother hates your father….your father is SO sad about what your mother did to him…..blah, blah, blah.”
HE may have 50/50 custody, but THEY have no part in it, legally speaking.
Brightest blessings
After protecting my children from knowing about their spath father and allowing visitation…even being friendly with him because I was so happy to be free. I would not do it that way again. I would go NC, restraining order and never have let my children see him. I thought I was doing the right thing for them and now I have lost them to him. He lured my children away one at age 14 one at age 24. I acted like a crazy woman both times the fear of him invoked the maternal instinct to fight and I lost. He did make me act worse than him and enjoyed every minute of it. They now think I am crazy and he is sane. There is no escape from these vermin. He did damage my children even with minimal visitation. Now I am moving away from all of them even my precious grandchildren. I pay someday my children will come to their senses but I doubt it will happen. They do not want to know what he is.