By | July 9, 2012 293 Comments

The sociopathic betrayal as an incident in your life

Many Lovefraud readers experience the phenomenon of “losing yourself” in the sociopathic relationship. Before meeting the sociopath, you may have been, for the most part, happy, confident, successful and financially stable. You had a network of people who cared about you. Yes, there was some kind of vulnerability—perhaps you were a bit lonely—and the sociopath used the vulnerability to infiltrate your life. But, for the most part, you were okay.

Then, either suddenly or slowly, your life disintegrated, and the problems you face are so immense, and so interconnected, and so overwhelming, that you don’t know where to begin unraveling them. You don’t have the energy to start. Rather than the happy and confident person you once were, you are anxious, depressed and fearful. You don’t know how you are going to survive.

And you don’t know how it all happened. Trying to figure it out, you describe the individual’s behavior to friends or a therapist, and someone mentions the word “sociopath.” Or you do a Google search—perhaps on “pathological lying”—and end up on Lovefraud.

You are in shock. The description fits, and you realize that the individual never cared about you, that you were targeted, and that you allowed yourself to be scammed, either financially or emotionally. You’ve lost money, or your home, or your job, or your support network—or all of it.

Blame game

As you realize the depths of the betrayal, the blame game starts. And whom do you blame? Yourself.

You are furious with yourself for not seeing it sooner. You didn’t listen to people who warned you, or to your own inner voice that was telling you something was amiss. Instead, you believed the silver-tongued liar, the crying and pleading actor, whose real intention was to drain from you everything he or she could.

Besides everything physical and financial that you lost, you are most upset because you no longer have your sense of self. You feel like you lost your soul.

Now what?

The sociopath is responsible

First of all, recognize that you are not responsible for the abuse you experienced.

The sociopath may have blamed you for his or her actions, saying, “You made him (her) do it.” Understand that statements like these were all part of the manipulation. The terrible words were spoken specifically to throw you off-balance and break you down, so that the sociopath could maintain control.

He or she is responsible for the hurtful words—and for all abusive actions.

Commit to recovery

Next, know that you can recover. The key to recovery is recognizing that the fraud and betrayal is NOT WHO YOU ARE. The devastation by the sociopath is something that happened to you. The betrayal was an incident, an experience. Do not allow it to define the rest of your life.

Make a decision, a commitment to yourself, that you are going to heal.

This means you need to allow yourself to experience the deep wells of pain, disappointment and grief that the experience caused. You have to get it out of your system, and the only way to do that is to allow yourself to process the pain, which means feeling it.

Finally, you need to let the experience go. How do you do this? You accept that it happened, and that there is nothing you can do to change the past. This does not mean you excuse what the sociopath did. But you do recognize that the betrayal was an INCIDENT IN YOUR LIFE, and NOT LET IT DEFINE THE REST OF YOUR LIFE.

It is true that you will never be the same after the experience with the sociopath, and you may have, in fact, lost yourself. But by facing the pain, processing it and letting it go, you can find a new “you,” one with a richer, deeper understanding of the human condition, and more capacity for love and compassion than you ever had before.

You can recover. You can grow. You can acquire wisdom. And you can move on and find happiness—perhaps sharing the wisdom you acquired to help prevent others from going through what you experienced.

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New Beginning

Great article, Donna. Thank you.

No one understands the devastation except those who have experienced it. I’ve been divorced from my ex (presumed S/P/NG) for a year and a half now and though I know I am in a better place this summer than last, I still have a long way to go. Unfortunately my Mom died shortly after the divorce was finalized so I lost my support system for life events. My siblings who were not involved much with either me or my Mother feel I am being a drama queen if I try to explain. It’s not an easy road however I am determined to get back to who I used to be.


yes, great article.

Ox Drover

I agree with New, Donna, GREAT ARTICLE!!!

New Beginning, it is unfortunate when we lose (or don’t have) a support system, and obviously you hoped that your sibs would be a support system and they aren’t. Many people who have never experienced the devastation of dealing with a psychopath and there for do not understand do think a victim of a psychopath is being a drama queen….and there’s not much you can do about that except recognoize that they do not understand what they have not experienced.

I watched the movie “Water for Elephants” last night and the character looked at the men who were without jobs and without homes and he said “I never saw men who were hungry before” and HE had been hungry when he crawled on to the circus train. He understood being hungry and he empathized with those men where he might not have if he had not so recently been hungry.

You will not only be your “old self” you will be a BETTER SELF because now you will have wisdom you did not have before! God bless.


For whatever reason, I keep losing posts….

Donna, this was a superb article because it speaks to our situations only being temporary – that we can CHOOSE to heal ourselves.

At this very moment – while I’m typing – I am in a near state of panic and that level of anxiety is the Pre-Exspath Me reacting.

The further I get away from the exspath, the further I am away from those experiences. It is true: I will never be the “same” person I was, but I certainly hope to be much wiser.

Donna, thank you for such an affirming article.

New Beginning

Thank you so much, Oxy. 🙂

I agree that it is impossible to truly empathize with that which we have never experienced…..testimony to why this site is so important.

Interestingly enough, the past year has provided some valuable insight for me to the intense lonliness my Mom must have felt after my Dad died. My brothers were not there for her and though I called her at least every other day (every day for the first year) and saw her at least once a week, I was busy raising my son and running a business. I still had a life and all she’d ever known ceased to exist. I expect that I haven’t completely captured the full impact she experienced as I’m 25 yrs younger than she was and still able to rebuild a life. Experience is quite a teacher.

Initially I had a couple of friends I could rely on however they didn’t “get it”. One told me how after her divorce following a 5 year marriage she purchased a house and her father and siblings helped her remodel it…….so that’s what I should do too! She totally didn’t realize that was her support structure and my home projects would be done by me, myself and I. Not that it isn’t a good place to focus my energy but since I’m in my childhood home it creates emotional dilemmas about changing things.

These friendships are now back to being more like acquintances than friends. C’est le vie. I am finally arriving at the place where I know nothing that happened prior to today can be undone, except perhaps the tangles in my garden hose! Each day now I start with the thought “God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change.” I know there are good things coming my way, I just have to clear through the muck.

The LF site has proven to be a valuable resource in my recovery. Each and every person here makes a difference. Thank you and blessings to all. 🙂



A wonderful article posted at just the right moment for me. It has been less than a month ago that I realized that my boyfriend of 20 years was an spath. In realing from the pain I did not expect I began my search to find a reason, a cause, something I did or didn’t do that was causing my heartach. I didn’t love him any more and had broke up from him but when he cut off all contact I felt like I was drowing in a well.

My exploration first took me to a Yahoo article “Is your new sweethear a sociopath”. The reason I clicked on the link was because my girlfriend at the time had told me he was when I first started dating him. It was from this article that I found this wonderful site.

I am now reading your inspirational articles and blogs and trying to begin to find myself again. I too have no support group other than you lovely people.

In my search for understanding I have seen a medical doctor and have another apointment tomorrow at which time I will ask her for a referel to a mental health counselor. I don’t seem to be able to cope with all of the different emotions boiling around in my head. I truly feel I have lost my way.

My search for the path back to my life will not stop until I find the yellow brick road that will take me there. It might take longer than I like but I will not rest until I am whole again.

I will continue to try to understand what was there in me that allowed this SOB to steal my soul. It is mine and he can’t have it, only God and I can. I will go to the ends of the earth, if necessary, till I can fully comprehend what and why this has happened to me.

This site has been my salvation. Thanks again.



Maybe you only thought you didn’t love him anymore. I’m not trying to be mean, but you could not be in this much pain if you didn’t have feelings for him. I know personally I wouldn’t be in pain at all if I didn’t love someone. Perhaps I shouldn’t speak for you and I apologize if I overstepped my boundaries, but it just seems if you didn’t care, you would be out partying and not be in so much pain. I know for myself, if I don’t love someone, I really don’t care at all…I don’t have pain if I don’t love (when it comes to a romantic partner).



Yes and no. I don’t consider the ‘love’ I felt for the spath as love anymore, but addiction and bonding. I actually realized that almost two days after the discarding, especially when I compared it to another love in my life. Nor did the spath ‘break my heart’ when he discarded me; the other love had broken my heart big time once. And yet I was in pain for months after the discarding… that pain had everything to do with the cognitive dissonance, the trauma and relationshit.

It’s not that I hadn’t loved the spath for a while. I actually did. But that love was already gone before he discarded me. He had already destroyed the love that I had felt during his devaluation, and by the time he discarded me the sole thing that was left was the trauma bonding… nothing else.



Yeah, perhaps it’s that I’m not able to distinguish between trauma bonding and love…I don’t know. It either sure feels like love to me or it doesn’t. I either love someone or I don’t. I’m different I think, but also maybe just confused…who knows!


This is a great article. Oh my, you described to a T how I felt. I still ruminate about it but I have healed, I am not the old me I so wanted to return to back then, I am a new me. Yes wiser and educated about personality disorder’s. I refer to my incident as my Life Lesson. In the begnning it was all about him and the truth of what he was, but because of the incident I had to take a long hard look at who I was and why. I will never be thankful to him for this Life Lesson, but I do believe people come into our live’s for a reason be it good or bad. I have survived more than one incident, more than one life lesson..I just keep gettin wiser all the time ~!


of course you loved him, but that love was confused, manipulated to keep you confused, it was intense in the most unatural, unhealthy way. Emotions are funny, rejection by a spath is so mind f–king. You were trauma bonded, so was I. That does not go away, you just have to really see it for what it was and stop trying to make it more than it was. For many years I didnt want to believe that they were evil..plain and simple….the truth hurts

Ox Drover

When we are in GRIEF, and that is what we feel when we have LOST something that is IMPORTANT TO US….we feel PAIN. The more we love(d) something that we lost, the more important to us it was, the MORE PAIN that we feel. So our pain is an indication that WE loved. Not that what we lost loved us.

The psychopaths are incapable of “love” as we know it, though sometimes they feel “ownership” of us, it is not the same as what we felt for them. They may feel RAGE at their losing control over us, but that feeling of rage against us, the stalking that they sometimes do, that is not “love.”

I loved my son with all my heart, he rages against me with all of his. He wants me dead because he hates me, because he cannot control me. Different “kettle of fish” from what we feel.

Eventually as we process the grief we may feel sadness, anger, the need to bargain, denial, and eventually we feel acceptance when we finally heal….but we will always be DIFFERENT, but different is not “bad.”

When we process our grief we grow, learn, become wiser. People who do not process their grief in a healthy manner may never achieve acceptance of the loss. Sometimes it takes a long time to come to that….especially if the loss was a big one and left a big hole in our lives. We CAN do it and if we want to be healthy we MUST process that grief, and it is a big JOB and hard work…the more important the loss, the harder and longer it takes, but it is WORTH IT! I swear that to you. There is LIFE AFTER GRIEF, LIFE AFTER LOSS, NO MATTER HOW BIG THAT LOSS. God bless.

it is confusing.
I can’t describe what the last 15 years were like.
I couldn’t leave him. I felt so much for him, I was trauma bonded, but I wanted out so badly.

It seems like our language is lacking the words to describe what happens when you are bonded to a spath. Love? that’s not the word. Addiction doesn’t encompass the loyalty you feel.

Family. Maybe that’s the word. Only in a perverted sense.

My parents are the only ones who have hurt me more than the spath has. Just thinking about them brings tears to my eyes, but the spath stopped hurting me less than a year after I left him. It’s the sense of having a family member and losing them. It’s the sense of feeling responsible for creating the family tie in the first place. The grief and sense of loss isn’t about them, it’s about us. It’s about what we did wrong and how we were confused and naive. It’s about our loss of innocence.

All of it gets confuddled into a big mess of emotions. We realize that everything we believed in was wrong – throughout our whole lives. We have to reinvent ourselves and start over, even though we had barely begun the first stage.

No matter how much we know, we never feel like we know very much at all. It’s about the loss of our dream and ourself.

there’s a song I used to listen to before I left the spath. It still applies, in a way, even though now I know that he’s a spath. It has to do with me and not him, because I vowed I would never leave him and then I had to because he wanted me dead.

Jezebel by 10,000 maniacs.

The song explains some of the pain, as I said, in a perverted sense.


It’s the most perverted ‘love’ I’ve ever felt for someone… Sky you pinpointed the issue: you feel ‘love’ and ‘loyalty’ and yet you also ‘want to get out, but you can’t’… There were days where I felt I truly hated him, exactly because I couldn’t leave him even though he behaved despiccable in my eyes.

That chained and imprisonment feeling that was always there somehow is not what I can call ‘love’ in retrospect. It’s one of the most yucky feelings I ever had. I make disgusted faces just remembering it.


Louise, this article was so important to me because it speaks the truth – the ramifications of spath entanglements cannot be underestimated, IMHO, and it was VERY hard for me to learn to cut myself some slack with regard to my “feelings” about the whole charade. I caused myself to feel responsible for what the exspath chose to do – and, this is something that I believe all victims-turned-survivors feel, at some point.

What I “loved” about the exspath was a complete illusion. He is not what he presents himself to be, by any stretch of the imagination. THIS is what I had a hard time wrapping my head around. “Cognitive dissonance” is, from what my counselor conveyed, MY attempt to fit inappropriate behaviors (from friends, family, spouses, etc.) into my system of beliefs. He couldn’t have done those things to me because I would never have been so loyal, loving, faithful, and supportive of someone who did.

Darwinsmom, OxD, & Skylar have all spoken to the basic facts about recovering from spath entanglements. It’s hard, it’s cruel, and it’s painful – indeed, it is. Grieving and recovering from a sociopathic entanglement is a process that cannot be compared with any other loss known to man – not the death of a child, not the passing of a loved one, not hte loss of a home in a house fire – nothing compares to the whole-being experience. It’s only been a month out for you – start journaling, if you can, and write down (pen on paper, NOT computer) your feelings, your rage, your disbelief, your sadness, your despair, and everything else that you are experiencing. Do it every day, sometimes, several times a day. This will help you to purge some of that venom out of the wounds. And, you’ll also be able to go back in a few months and read how far you have progressed on your Healing Path.

I’m so glad to read that you’re helping yourself, Louise. Remember to metion PSTD and abuse when you’re asking about a counselor. Please, avoid identifying the spath AS a “sociopath.” If we go into a counselor’s office or physician’s office talking about spathy, it’s often misunderstood. If you need to refer to the spath by any “label,” try to use “Fits The Profile Of…” And, let’s start calling it “emotional health” instead of “mental health,” why not? Or, maybe, “whole-health” because my WHOLE SELF has been compomised: physically, emotionally, financially, spiritually….

Brightest healing blessings to you, Louise – you’re on your way and you’ll soon realize how precious you are to this Universe!


Louise, here’s a LF link to an archived article by Kathleen Hawk that speak directly to what you’re experiencing, right now:



OMG, what you said is exactly IT! The love was so intense, but it was manipulated; it was a mind fuck. Then I was rejected…the pain is horrible…trying to see it for what it was…I am getting better at that, but then like you said, the truth hurts…seeing it for what it was is when the pain REALLY comes in. I have to stop trying to make it more than what it was. I AM trying and I AM getting there, but man, it is tough.



Thanks so much for the song…I love, love, love Natalie Merchant; one of the best, most unique voices around.

I’m so very sorry you went through so much pain with him and your parents. It’s horrible. Starting over and letting go is the hardest things we will ever have to do I think.

The loss of our dream and ourselves…so well said. You do have a BF though, right? You were able to find someone. I am not sure that will ever happen to me. I do feel that he ruined my life. Hopefully not forever, but at least temporarily although I don’t know how long this “temporary” will last.

Hugs to you skylar 🙁

kim frederick

Great discussion. Was it love? It surely feels like love. Or was it something else?
Well, I think it was both. It was love for the man I thought he was…the love was real, the illusion of him was not. It was also a traumatic bond, instilled in me by the man he really was, and the resulting contradiction was crazy making.
Still, to this day I can’t completely dispell the image I had of him and his love for me. When someone idealizes you, then without warning begins devalueing you, you automatically want to have some control over the situation…you want it to go back to the way it was before, so, you are willing to believe it’s your fault, and you start trying to get it right. You invest more and more and the return on your investment is less and less. It’s a chipping away process. It chips away at your self esteem, you sense of mastery and competance, and your selse of living in a safe and sane world.
If you are in a position where you feel there is no way out, you will accept the blame, and deny what is happening…you feel like your life depends on the abuser.
Interestinly enough, the abuser, (spath, narc, jerk, etc. etc.) is also trauma bonded to you. He erodes your sense of security, in order to claim it for himself. You start out feeling ok about who you are, but he enters in knowing he isn’t much to write home about. He is insecure…he claims security by threatening yours. He is addicted to the power he hold over you. He will treat you with disdain, until you try to leave. Then his fear rises up and he will do anything to win you back. This reverses the power dynamic, and now you pull the strings (you think) and as Dr. Cairnes said, this adds exponentially to the strength of the trauma bond….that lovely illusion of power….that we have finally made him see our value and changed him….now we can get back to “idealization”
At this point, it is not love. It hurts more than any thing has ever hurt, but it is not love. It is being hooked into a psychological process that leaves us hood-winks, confused and battered.
Truthspeak wrote, yesterday that finally leaving them behind is about having self-respect.
That was the most painful recognition for me, because I had self respect, but I had to swallow it because I had no way out.

This song captures the essence of what it feels like to find out you are in love with a lie…early stages of sadness.


I dont remember the time line of your incident, how long it’s been etc. ,,but YES it IS tough and it hurt’s like hell. But I promise that in time it will stop hurting. It may take year’s but everything will fall into place and you will see that the relationship was doomed from the beginning.
I am still in love with the first 3 months of that relationship, I always will be and that is ok because it was what I had always dreamed of,,,but in hindsight I told him my dreams, it was like handing him the script of my desire’s, needs, want’s…he became my dream for awhile….3 months of bliss and 3 years of hell ( trying to recapture that first 3 months ) and then 3 years to recover. = a life lesson.

kim frederick

Great song Sky. Natale Merchant is one of my favorites. I’m going to google her and post one of my favorites that speaks to me about the wonders of recovery.
See ya in a sec.


Kim, I had never considered the bond that the abuser/spath/whatever has with their victims, before, until you just posted it.

For me, it was the “addiction to the illusion” and “perceived love.” Once the illusion was shattered, the “love” that I felt turned into rage – serious rage. Everything else that followed was par with what everyone else experiences.

Like hens, I have caught myself looking back at the “salad days,” and wonder whether or not there was “love” there, even at that early stage. What I’ve discovered is that it doesn’t matter whether he ever felt anything nearing love for me, at all. It simply doesn’t matter. TODAY is what matters – today, he would prefer seeing me struck by a truck than have to go to Court. TODAY, he wishes me dead and gone. TODAY, all of my sacrificies, support, and encouragement add up to ZIP, nada, zero, zilch. That is the hard, cold truth, and it sucks, but it’s truth, nevertheless.

VERY good point, Kim. Thank you for that!


Absolutely LOVE Natalie Merchant.

Here’s MY anthem….seriously…..



It’s already been years…two years since we were intimate and a little over a year that we were still “talking.”

Again, same with me! Three months and it was great and then he disappeared and then I spent the next two years trying to recreate those first magical months and it’s never going to happen.

kim frederick

Ahhh yes. Annie Lennox. Another of my favs.
Here is the link to NM’s “Wonder”.
It reminds me of therapy, and the process of re-claiming myself, spirituality, and independance.


Kim and Truthspeak:

Good point, Kim! Of course the abuser is also trauma bonded…that is why it is so hard to get out of…they are just as entrenched as we are. We provide something they need…someone for them to abuse and when they feel they are losing that (when we try to leave), they are losing control…they hate that. They say that’s when most abusers will kill their mates is when they are trying to leave and they are losing control. It’s all about control. Mine 100% controled the relationship, but not in a violent way.



I love that wonder song by Natalie…it always has reminded me of my best friend’s little girl who was born profoundly retarded…she is 17 now and the doctors said she wouldn’t live past 2.

New Beginning

Ditto here TruthSpeak, I’ve been addicted to the illusion too…….and what a magnificant one he created. Likewise on your ex’s reactions now, mine has done the same. The spaths hate the court system. I forced our divorce settlement to go through mediation, thankfully my ex is a “pillar of the community” so I had the option since he had to protect his image. The facilitator who has been doing this for 25 years said he never experienced someone like my ex, while he did a physical demo of being pinned up against the wall. It certainly did provide validation for me.



Thanks for your post above to me. You are right…no other experience is like the experience with an spath. I have come to realize though as we all have that no one understands unless they have lived it. They just don’t get it so I try not to talk about it anymore to most people.


I have been trying to find a good answer here and through intense study I occasionally arrive as an “ah-ha” moment. in reading on lf, I continually see what is described as a gap or more commonly a void. an empty space. is this the result of the occupation of the area where WE are normally supposed be and not someone else. is this a psychological parallel to how they act physically. (showing up un-announced or un-invited or both. inserting themselves into our lives where they normally would be unwelcome? but for the mirror we would not let them in. we never should. nobody belongs in that space but who WE are. and with the mirror comes a trust that allows something quite unnatural to happen. then they begin tweaking buttons and switches and changing us from within and the first thing that goes is the moral compass? so in healing we attempt to find ourselves and re-insert us there and fill the void with what belongs there? US . I think in a normal relationship we allow those near to us to maybe visit once in a while and then we take our space back. and no normal person would want to stay inside us. its funny how one can see that how they act on the outside is just how they act when we let them in.

kim frederick

I just got a cold shiver up my spine.
But, yeah, rgc, for awhile we feel “fulfilled”. Then we realize we’ve been poisoned.
Then we drink ipacac syrap and violently vomit. Then we feel better, and fill ourselves with our own positive being.


Kim – ipecac! LOL

Rgc, the “void” as I interpet it are those “spaces” that I, indeed, should be filling with my Self. “Self” is equivalent to what makes each of us unique in the Universe – the soul.

Any emotional “void” is an opportunity for spath self- insertion, deliberately, intentionally, and with malice aforethought. Little bit, by ever-so-little bit, the spath fills that void with THEIR venom, as Kim said, and our own perceptions of who we are, whom we need to be, and what our system of beliefs are systematically altered to fit THEIR agenda.

Am I a “needy” person? Well, the spath can provide me with excessive and inappropriate flattery that feeds my bruised Self. Am I a fearful person? The spath can hone in on my fears and cause me to believe that I’m overcoming them while those fears are actually being reinforced. Am I a lonely person? The spath can cause me to feel as if I’m the most important person on Earth. Am I a self-deprecating person? Well, the spath can simulate complete acceptance of all of my faults and vulnerabilities. ANY one of these “voids” is a useful space for the spath to occupy and disease.

Filling my Self with Self, I have got to come to an understanding with me that I’m worthwhile, deserving, okay, and valuable – to ME. Slowly, I am finding out that I have strengths along with my “weaknesses,” and that being a human being does not mean that I am at the top of the food-chain. My “vulnerabilities” where I lack all of the positive “self” images are spots in my boundaries that require a LOT of fortification. Self-awareness, self-love, self-acceptance, self-assurance, and all of the rest were missing PRIOR to the spath entanglements, and I have to sort out how to reconstruct those attributes without any better glue than personal resolve to never, ever, EVER allow my boundaries to fall, even a nanometer, for anyone, for any reason.

That’s my take on it, for what it’s worth.


The best thing I ever done for myself was getting rid of “IT”. Now I can breathe again and I am starting to find myself all over again. Without a doubt: THE BEST THING I HAVE EVER DONE FOR MYSELF. Getting rid of “IT” in thought as well as ‘live and in person’…

I have been trying to piece my life back together again and I can tell you this: now that I have, “IT” better stay far, far, away from me. The next time I am not going to be so nice and let it ‘get away’. hehehehe

Kim: you really said it all: we have been poisoned.
I have drank bottles and bottles of ipacac and vomited and vomited and I still don’t feel better about the vilness I actually allowed near me. It still makes me shiver up and down my spine. How could I have been so nice to the point that I became BLIND>I forgive myself and I am indifferent and complacent about “IT” anymore. There are no more false illusions and no more ‘fairy tales’….

I am filling myself with MY OWN SELF now.

Thanks Louise for the Katy Perry tune.
That absolutely ROCKED!!!! So colorful…loved it.
Ha: very appropriate too. xxoo


Right on Truthspeak: very well said.
Thanks for that reinforcement as I start this day…

I agree with every word you said.

Happy Tuesday, Lovey ~ Dupey


I know for sure that the ex-spath was never bonded to me at all. And I have enough confirmation for myself that even they ‘honeymoon’ period was a total sham… It’s the honeymoon period that he sent his friends on me to assault rob me, it’s the honeymoon period that he started to shower-train me, it’s the honeymoon period that he stole my bank cards once, and it’s the honeymoon period he tried to play his ex to allow him to visit her while he was living here with me in Belgium. This is the same period I was still sure he was in love with me too. I learned about it the day after the discarding, and I can’t thank his previous ex enough for telling me her whole story, and including that tidbit of knowledge (she thought I knew that). That was the little piece of the puzzle that proved to me that it had all been illusion from the start and he never knew love nor could feel it. Once I knew that, I had no problem accepting that the honeymoon was pure illusion, no matter how painful that was (and immensely painful it was). Because of that extra piece of the puzzle that happened behind my back (something he doesn’t know that I know) I never even felt any desire to reminisce about the ‘good’ period… even the ‘good’ period feels icky, dirty and makes me feel stressed.

That man was never bonded to me at all and he never cared whether I was disappointed in him or not.



Mine wasn’t bonded to me either. Perhaps for a very short time at the beginning, but he had way too many other things going on in his life to be bonded to me. It was all so sick and the joke was on me 🙁


Yes, Darwinsmom and Louise, it’s painful and humiliating to realise that the spath was never bonded to you. It was all just a ploy to get me to part with my money, my time. To get me to move in with him, look after him and “make his life easier” … of his favourite sayings.

It still intrudes but the declarations of undying love and the pity ploy no longer work. I’ve finally taken off those darned Rose tinted glasses. I’m on the road to indifference. And it’s feeling good.

Louise, a saying my old dad used to say. He who laughs last, laughs longest.

Blessings to you all.


Actually Louise, the joke is on him… He’s a total empty being, who can never enjoy the true riches of being human 🙂


did you find it difficult to get going in therapy?



I have heard that saying also about laughing…thanks for that…I need to be reminded that I am the one who is going to come out OK in all this…



You are right…he is empty, very empty. I will always be a better person than he. Somehow I want to believe that he knows this…


Strongawoman, I don’t know if “humiliating” was so much a factor for me as just plain hurt.

And, if I had not found this site 2 years prior to the discovery of the truths (completely different matter), I would NOT have had the fortitude or courage or knowledge to slam that door shut. This is a fact. Without the information that I learned right here and applied to different situations, I would have likely “accepted” the exspath’s deviant lifestyle and NEVER have discovered his true agenda: marry the broad for her money.

In retrospect, the exspath wasn’t bonded to me, at all. Not at all. Not one iota. I was a familiar presence, but there was no “bond” except the money. When that ran out, he had no further use for me.



Louise, you will laugh, in due time – seriously laugh at what a jagoff the spath is!

I’ve typed this before, but I’ll type it, again:
Picture the spath in front of a Judge and he/she is naked and covered in mayonaise.

Okay, I get that some might gag first, and then laugh….but, DO laugh. Laugh because you aren’t like them. Laugh because you have the gift of empathy. Laugh because you simply CAN!!!!


My situation is very similar to that of Louise — short-term relationship with a sociopath who by mirroring convinced us that we had found a soulmate, when in fact we were merely the person of the moment…

While both of us are smart enough to realize we are better off without them, the soulmate mirroring makes it difficult to make new connections, because the one with the sociopath was so strong, even while being false.

It seems like every single word in the english language has to be redefined when it’s applied to a spath.

Bonding. What does that mean?

Jeffery Dahmer was “bonded” to his victims. He didn’t want them to leave, so he ate them. I felt like that toward some left over pizza in the fridge.

While it’s true that spaths approached us with every intent of destroying us, eventually, I think they do become “attached” to us, in a sense. It’s like, if you go to the store to buy toilet paper, that toilet paper belongs to you. Sure your intent is to use it to wipe your ass and flush it down the toilet, but you are ENTITLED to do that because it’s yours. If someone tried to take it from you, you would argue and maybe fight for your toilet paper. If you lost the fight, you’d go out and get more.

Really, this example is not so far fetched. They truly see other people as objects. Just as we see the objects on our desk or in the kitchen or in the bathroom. We judge each item’s value based on what it can do for us and how much we need it. Pizza has a high value and so does toilet paper, but they are commodities. Spaths can’t value people any differently than we value objects. That’s the type of attachment they lack.

Similarly, slave owners used to buy slaves and they would sometimes kill them if it suited them. There are muslim families who will “honor kill” their daughters because they can. This kind of attachment is a different definition than the kind we think about when we think of bonding. It’s more like bonding to a favorite pair of slippers.


He who laugh last, receives the last laugh…
(A saying from my dear old Grandfather…)



Skylar, perhaps, “bonded” or “attached” provoke nostalgic or intimate meaning to me, but whatever I was, it was nothing intimate.

Source. That’s the best term I can think of. We were altered into their “sources,” whehter it was for money, attention, sex, or whatever it is that they drain us for.

Dupey…..(snicker)……And, he who laughs first, runs the fastest! I just made that up. Dunno what it means, but I liked it….


Supply…we were supply.



You said it PERFECTLY!! Thank you…that is exactly what it was and how I now feel.

kim frederick

Yeah, well….These slippers are mad for walkin’
and that’s just what they’ll do,
one of these days, these slippers,
are gonna walk all over you.
Ala Nancy Sinatra, with a little poetic liscence by me. 🙂

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