Today Lovefraud introduces a new feature: Lovefraud Lessons, a series of videos to teach you how to recognize and recover from sociopaths.
Lessons #1, #2 and #3 are up now, and new videos will be posted every week. The primary venue, of course, is YouTube, on the Lovefraud Lessons channel. My goal is to reach as many people as possible, around the world, and teach them about sociopaths.
If you know someone who should watch the videos, forward a link!
The sociopathic betrayal as an incident in your life
Hello Victorian 12,
There seems to be a “Victor 12 AND Victorian 12 within this thread… Is there a logical explanation for this? Anyway, I often wondered the same things as you, in terms of my brain/mind returning to a normal state. After doing much recovery work on myself, my brain/mind’s normal functions have returned. Of course, I live with a completely diferent degree of awareness, focus, self assurance, self reliance, self motivation and self dependence due to the experience and the healing aspects from the trauma that it provoked, however those are all good things. I do tend to find myself being hyper vigilant, on occassion, but I try to perceive it as a protective mechanism which is benefiting me in times of need. Best wishes on your path to healing!
Hi Shane,
To answer your doubt, both Victor12 and Victorian 12 are one and the same person, that is, me. I decided to change my masculine name to a feminine name so that my colleagues are all aware that I’m a female. It’s important to know in this debate of our life experiences with male spths. I believe the damage male spths do to us far exceeds that of their female counterparts, if only because there is strength in numbers.
I appreciate from the bottom of my heart your perceptions on my point in question. I felt a sense of relief and comfort upon reading your words. At least now I know that this too shall pass and if what will remain is more self-reliance, more self-awareness and more self-dependence, then I think it all has been worth it, by all I mean the pain we go through in this kind of toxic relationships. My story was televised on the German TV and the third part came out recently. Reading the comments of some of the German viewers taking side with the SP. was somewhat discomforting. To cut a long story short, the SP came to visit me after 8 months of waiting for him to move to Spain with me and only because the TV paid for his flight to film the third part of the show, and he bumped into closed doors. He had it coming to him. He never visited me in 8 months because he didn’t have a proper job and he was broken. He simply didin’t want to work and even though I kept pressing him to get a job and pay me back for the expenses I incurred when he came the first time from Germany to Spain hiking trails ‘for the love of his life’ as he put it, he stayed out of a job all the while and never came to visit me. One of the viewers stated as follows: “Well, in my opinion, if a woman with Victorian’s age continues to live with her mother waiting for a prince mounted on a white horse, then something isn’t right… and she shouldn’t come up with the story of putting the blame on XXX (SP.) for her visiting the psychiatrist.
The way I see it, this person is justifying evil. Since when do romantic illusions and the dream of finding true love in a woman’s mind justify love fraud? Who said that the evil doer must not be to blame just on the grounds of the victim’s need to resort to a psychiatrist to help her heal the adverse effects of an interaction with an evil doer?
What do you have to say about this? Blessings and blissful recovery
Victonrian12
The brain does return to ‘normal’ overall after a long time. Mine was pretty numb for about half a year, until I had some insights why it was so numb and unable to function in situations I was normally an expert, but at that time couldn’t handle properly anymore. After that it went quickly (but not overnight) back to normal. There is one thing that I do feel I have to be very careful with – my mind just cannot take stress so well anymore as I ‘thought’ I could in the past. I don’t think it will ever return to the old stress capacity, because we grow older too. So, be kind to it by planning everyday schedules and major events and start on it on time, etc…
I wouldn’t say the damage male spaths do exceeds that of female spaths. We have a majority of survivors from a male spath posting on Lovefraud, but the stories from survivors of female spaths are as horrendous and they have the same damaging impact. Nor is it sure at all that there are more male spaths than female spaths. Actually it is to be expected statistically that there are as much female spaths as there are male spaths. But many female spaths are probably misdiagnozed as narcistic or borderliner because they do not excihibit as much violence. This is probably because their mask fakes cultural acceptable female ‘qualities’, as well as having less testosterone than their male counterparts. Even with serial killers the murders by female serial killers is of a different nature than a male serial killer, but as lethal and more covert. Also, while the majority of survivors here are women, that doesn’t always mean the spath they come here for is male: they had a spath daughter (in law), a female spath partner, etc… It seems that male survivors may fear the reactions if they come out with their stories and have a bigger threshold to overcome to communicate about it, at least on Lovefraud.
As for the person who commented on the experience of yours….(a) People who do not understand what sociopathy is and never experienced the bond with them nor the con simply cannot understand what you are going through. They simply think you should get over the ‘bad break up’ and think you should have broken it off as soon as the red flags were up. THey simply have no idea or do not recognize that you were bonded to them and had little say over this bonding depth at all. (b) Commentators can also be rating high on the Hare scale themselves, enough to be having a machiavelistic mind. So they see the world almost like a spath themselves: sharks on the one hand and people who are bleeding hearts. (c) Commentators can be spaths themselves.
So my advice is not to read those comments at all. Especially cases (b) and (c) will blame the victim. Group (a) will call the spath a jerk but think there’s something wrong with you for not being able to cope with it as if it was just a date going wrong.
Victorian12, women have been conditioned and raised up to believe that “romance” is the benefit of “true love,” and that every woman must find “true love” in order to be “compelete.”
What Darwinsmom said, above, about people’s perceptions is 100% spot-on. These people do not have a personal frame of reference of their own to pronounce such glib suggestions that victims “Should have known,” or that they “Just need to get over it,” once the love fraud is exposed. This, in my very personal opinion, is why post-spath experiences demand personal counseling therapy.
Counseling therapy, as I’ve written again, and again, does not mean that we’re crazy, weak, or “disordered,” ourselves. We have been damaged to a degree that is incomprehensible to most others, and on every level imaginable. A good, strong counseling therapist that “gets it” is an objective and non-judgemental ear. They hear our rants, raves, pains, fears, and despair without emotional attachments. They can see where our issues are, point them out, and give us tools to repair those issues so that we can heal and “get over it.”
In counseling, we learn how to process our experiences, repair our boundaries, lay stronger foundations for our boundaries, and learn how to SELF-validate our feelings.
Brightest blessings
@....... Darwinsmom,
How good it feels to hear the truth of the matter. Right on! I appreciate your accurate explanation of the reasons for comments such as the one I offered from one of the commentators. Certainly, there’s nothing else to add. You’ve said it all.
I believe, most likely, comments such as this tend to be made by people rating high on the Hare scale as you well said. Who else could convey such cold views on the breakup of a relationship. Yes, I know, I’m the bleeding heart for them, so the shark wins, as if love was a contest of sorts, which it is in the SP’s world. They just see life as a game of chess. What they can’t see is that I came out a winner, not only because I withdrew from the match before it was too late and therefore he was left with no game, something SPs hate, but also because I became wiser and stronger not in spite of it but because of it. Darwinsmom, can we skype to exchange views? Blessings
Victorian12, exactly – nobody else other than spaths regard the world as sharks versus bleeding hearts!
And yes it sounded like the spath wasn’t a success. You stopped enabling him at some point, and that’s when you gradually learned the truth about him. He only wanted someone else to be responsible for his adult life. And it does make use wiser and stronger.
I don’t chat at the moment, because I know it will keep me from doing the stuff I need to do at this moment (preparing my move in 2 weeks and studying for my re-trial exams). But you can post here on the blog and exchange views that way, not just with me but everybody else 🙂
Darwinsmom, thank you for your insightful views. Certainly, you have hit the nail on the head.
Don’t worry about it, I know we are all busy, but just so all of you know, I’m available to chat if you need to let it off. 🙂
You are all very intelligent, insightful people. Pity sharks should target people with such sharp insight and sensitivity and vision. It’s been five months now since I put an end to this relationship and I’ve been doing a lot of reading and meditation to heal my wounds, but still, sometimes I have this ‘Why me’ feeling, because it hurts so much. He destroyed my love dreams and has left me with no trust in people, and this is a lifelong damage, I mean how can we ever recover fully from something that is bound to leave a scar for life. My brain may get back to its normal condition but my mentality about human beings and relationships has changed forever. Not only that, like you, darwinsmom my stress/anger capacity is visibly diminished and I burst out in anger over minor things, and my degree of tolerance of other people’s behavior is low. The other day, while I was shopping at a flea market, a woman addressed a comment, intended for me, like ‘you should ask who’s last, otherwise….blah blah blah’ and I came up with ‘who are you to give orders around here, do that in your home’ and then I said to her that she should complain over bigger issues not trifles such as who’s next or who’s last……lol. Anyway, everybody was kind of taken aback at my strong reaction. That’s how it goes, then I realized that that’s not the real me, it’s just the result of the adverse effects of my recent traumatic bond with a spth.
I feel I need to share my story, what I went through so that I can get feedback from people who are understanding and who’ve been through a similar experience like you have. So, if anyone is willing to talk it out, I’m all for it. Blessings and love to you all.
Victorian12,
Only very recently have I come to see that my romantic expectations of life were what got me into trouble… I was on a corrective path for a while already, and the spath only sealed the deal for me. And a couple of days ago I read some diary romantic ramblings of myself when I was in my mid 20s. My jaw literally dropped to the floor when I read it. I felt a part of pity, but also disgust at the way my mind worked when it came to a man I was interested in. I still have hope and faith with regards to love in my life, but it’s a concept that 20-something verion of myself could never have understood at all, because my present views would not have been her dream… but that dream was an air-castle and imo pretty condescending, know-it-all, and overly absorbed too.
What I’m saying is that perhaps your past love dreams weren’t helping you in the first place, were ‘wrong’ dreams to begin with.
Yes, your trust in society and people gets a big beating too. But it’s not bad we give ourselves the right to be more careful about people.
And it sounds to me as if you are sensitive about boundaries. Perhaps you may still need to learn how to express them, but just like you can give yourself the right to be more cautious, you can also give yourself the right to set boundaries.
Scars, they hurt but they also reveal that we have lived and loved and learned. They are the roots to our developed personality.
Has anybody read this book yet?
http://www.amazon.com/Defeated-Demons-Consciousness-Parasites-Psychopathic/dp/1905605307/ref=sr_1_2?ie=utf8mb4&qid=1343241042&sr=8-2&keywords=labyrinth+of+psychopath
Was it good?
Thomas Sheridan hosts a blog about spaths, and wrote another book “Labrynth of a Psychopath” which I am reading now and I think it’s GREAT. This guy totally gets it.
Victorian12,
You are very welcome. To answer your question, I would not have been able to express myself and the answers that I would give to you, nearly as acurately as darwinsmom and Truthspeak. As Truthspeak expressed: “In counseling, we learn how to process our experiences, repair our boundaries, lay stronger foundations for our boundaries, and learn how to SELF-validate our feelings”, these are the most profound skills that I have aquired for myself, throughout my recovery process, which has included counciling therapy amongst some other things.
I had experienced back to back occurences with 2 Cluster B’s which left me in tailspins of my own, in the aftermath(s). I understand fully, the details of what you have expressed, as well as the multiple psychological and physical/biological issues that you must be having to endure at this time. If I may share with you one of the most important things I learned to do, especially throughout the stage you seem to be experiencing, was to have compassion for myself. To allow myself to grieve the loss of my freedom of thought, happiness and spirit I once possessed (you will get yourself back, in time), and to give myself permission to take extra good care of myself and my psyche. I made sure to surround myself with only those who I knew I could trust completely, to cry and express myself, my feelings, emotions with them, as well as myself in private whenever needed, to pamper myself with hot bubble baths, healthy and hearty foods, chocolates (forgive me), and meditate whenever possible. I pushed myself to continue hiking and paddle boarding which kept the endorphins flowing. If you have a favorite physical activity that you do, I encourage you not to stop it. It is one of the things that gave me glimpses of relief from the confusion, anger, sadness and overall craziness in my mind.
I wish you all the best throughout your healing journey, and please know that you are loved ~ I will be thinking of you and will include you in my prayers!
Shane