Ever since Lovefraud launched in 2005, my goal has been to educate people about the dangers of sociopaths—preferably before their lives are shredded. One effort in that direction is the Lovefraud high school education program—I’ll be doing my first three classes next month.
Another effort is my next book—tentatively called Red Flags of Love Fraud—Signs that you’re dating a sociopath. It will identify behavior that may indicate a prospective romantic partner is not all that he or she claims to be, and explain how what seems to be expressions of love may, in fact, be strategies of manipulation and control.
We’ve discussed our experiences here on Lovefraud, and through the telling, identified many behaviors that all seem to “come from the same playbook.” However, I’d like to collect that information in a more structured way so that I can use it in the book. Therefore, I invite you to participate in the Lovefraud Romantic Partner Survey.
Most of the questions are multiple choice, but there are a few places where you can write out your observations. It would probably be best to do the survey when you have about 20 minutes of free time.
Thank you for your contributions. To start the survey, click the following link:
Candy,
What a great post. Yes, I married two rats one at a time. Then years later along came absolutely classic spath BF. I didn’t let myself get close enough to get bit, but over Valentine’s Day which was a week after my birthday I expected to hear from him. I don’t know why it bothered me because he is the lowest of low of the rat species, but the reason I feel like a BoZo is because why do they always leave me, hang up on me, insult me and don’t apologize unless they want something of course.
I figured it out. I AM TOO GOOD FOR THEM. They want to go about their spathy ways and once I figure out what is going on they don’t want to change but they do want to blame it on me if I will allow them to. I am really starting to realize that this was not my fault. Because of that fact I am going to start treating myself better.
Thank you Donna, the survey really is validating.
TTS
P.S. The hardest thing to realize is that my own mother is a bit of a rat also of the Narcissistic variety. No wonder I fell for the spaths.
True – belated birthday greetings. You are not a Bo Zo – you have come out of the fog. Like rats spaths carry diseases and they infect us. Good for you for being so strong and realising that YOU ARE TOO GOOD FOR THEM.
Candy,
Thank you for the birthday wish. Yes, you are right about the FOG
(Fear, Obligation, and Guilt) but I had forgot about the disease they carry. Otherwise it just seems too easy doesn’t it.
I just had a phone conversation with my mother in which she agreed with me for the most part. The problem was her husband was going to deliver something to my house and I found myself on the phone instead. When her H came by I was totally embarassed because of dirty dishes in the sink and other general messiness.
One thing I was telling my mother is that I believe I do need therapy. She actually agreed with me this time, especially if she thinks I will be talking about exH and not about her. I told her what happens to emotions when we don’t deal with them. They are buried alive. They come out as migraines, panic attacks, other things that I am dealing with now. I have dealt with the logistics of the divorce, but have put emotions regarding my marriage on the back burner as I spent my time dating. It was so much easier to deal with spath boyfriend especially on the phone. He was someone to talk to.
Even though we know they are bad, they are someone to talk to. Using the rat story again, maybe we turn those rats into pets when we don’t have any healthy relationships. It takes time for form them.
TTS
Just went back and took the survey again regarding First Husband and recent boyfriend.
I would encourage anyone who hasn’t done this yet to do so. It is very enlightening.
Hi Donna – just did the survey. Q #10 anit-social behavior – high scores all down the line!
i wanted to mention 2 things:
1. There seems to be A LOT of people here who are in communications/ marketing/ are writers and artists. I think that it would be of interest to include these categories in your next survey of professions.
2. the gay/ straight/ bisexual paradigm for orientation. but what about something for gender identity? male/ female/ queer/ transgendered/ other
i love survey monkey.
ouu tts – i could do it for the n ex gf too! awesome idea!
so, the n ex was a little higher on antisocial behavior than i thought. go figure.
she was sooooooo sweet when she wasn’t a total n.
another one bites the dust!
Donna,
Thank you for your work. I would be happy to help you in any way I can in collating data, writing, etc.
I am a physician and the former victim of a sociopath and would very much like to become involved.
THERE IS ONE BIG ISSUE HERE DONNA!
People who have never been “targeted” by a predatory suitor and are with their FIRST experience are always TOTALLY CONVINCED that the sociopathic behavior their suitor exhibits can be explained. They honestly feel that the lies (so obvious in hindsite) are truthful statements and situations. These trusting, emotionally sensitive targets always feel their suitor or partner isn’t the “sociopath” or the controlling monster they are or will become.
EVEN WHEN THEY ENCOUNTER A WARNING BY THE EX-SPOUSE(S), EX GIRL/BOYFRIEND(S) they are sadly so throughly brainwashed by the sociopath that they NEVER heed the warning or advice.
Some even feel guilty for LISTENING to the ex (or plural), and guilty for even thinking suspiciously of their suitor or spouse.
I warned at least 10 “other” women my sociopath hooked up with during our 6 year “non-relationship relationship”. NONE listened to me. Only TWO actually had the sense the contact me after they realized how right my predictions were to comment how stupid they were to not believe me.
Donna,
Thanks for taking ‘Love Fraud’ to the next level. I am happy to support your work and completed the survey.
Encountering sociopaths is an ongoing life process. Recognizing the telltale behaviors can give a person a leg up on taking protective measures. These disordered people exist in every element of our society… from the corporate boardroom to the dui driver and everywhere in between and in our families and friends. We can not afford to underestimate the effect that this disorder has on every facet of society.
You go, girl!