Ever since Lovefraud launched in 2005, my goal has been to educate people about the dangers of sociopaths—preferably before their lives are shredded. One effort in that direction is the Lovefraud high school education program—I’ll be doing my first three classes next month.
Another effort is my next book—tentatively called Red Flags of Love Fraud—Signs that you’re dating a sociopath. It will identify behavior that may indicate a prospective romantic partner is not all that he or she claims to be, and explain how what seems to be expressions of love may, in fact, be strategies of manipulation and control.
We’ve discussed our experiences here on Lovefraud, and through the telling, identified many behaviors that all seem to “come from the same playbook.” However, I’d like to collect that information in a more structured way so that I can use it in the book. Therefore, I invite you to participate in the Lovefraud Romantic Partner Survey.
Most of the questions are multiple choice, but there are a few places where you can write out your observations. It would probably be best to do the survey when you have about 20 minutes of free time.
Thank you for your contributions. To start the survey, click the following link:
Lovefraud Romantic Partner Survey
Ox Drover
I think Erdelyi has a very valid point about people not wanting to believe even the EVIDENCE in front of their faces about the “bad guy/gal” they are dating—as evidenced by the fact that people frequently stay with a partner that physically slaps them around, or verbally abuses them pretty obviously.
I’m not saying a book wouldn’t help or the classes wouldn’t help, but they will only help a certain percentage of people, and the rest (and I think this is the majority) are going to get in “deep enough” to get “burned” before they get out, wounded. Others will be like the frog, and the water will get progressively hotter until it is completely cooked, and it will never even make an effort to jump out of the pot as the water gets hotter.
That said….if one person or one percent of the people who read the book before they get involved with a dysfunctional or psychopathic individual avoid the “bad guy/gal” when they meet them BEFORE they get hooked, then the information will have been VERY VALUABLE.
If it prevents one child from being born to a psychopathic DNA donor it is a success so looking at rates of people being “saved” from something bad, AA I think only claims 20% “success” rate, yet they Are the support for millions of people, and each “save” not only helps the ONE who is “saved” but the families of, the children of, the co workers of, etc. so each “save” represents improvement in many lives, not just one. I think it is the same with “saving” people from psychopathic relationships (either before or after the encounter) the “saving” benefits both the “saved” and their close friends and family.
NOTE: Each of us has to “save” ourselves ultimately, and no one else can “save” us, but the support and information given here at LF contributes very much to us having the necessary education and information for us to save ourselves. KNOWLEDGE=POWER and STRENGTH!
lesson learned
Erdyli
WOW! You warned TEN women??? How many of those ten still remain with him or do you know?
Holy crap that is A LOT!! Good for you though in doing so. Ya never know what kind of impact that will have LATER with what you shared.
RB
Donna Andersen
Erdelyi,
Yes, many people don’t listen. But some do. And, if we can raise awareness in general about this disorder, perhaps when someone sees the signs, or hears the warnings, they’ll recognize what is going on.
lesson learned
Erdelyi,
I warned a woman that my ex was trying to date. She was very successful and had money. Precisely what he was looking for.
She believed it, however, she had already been married to a Narc and had a long relationship with another. What she realized is that she needed to fine tune her radar, but she knew something was terribly wrong with him.
He has another gf now, and I’m NC so…,but even if I knew who she was, I wouldn’t bother. I just pray for the next victims to get it sooner rather than later. With the mess he’s made of two marriages, including his nine year long affair with me, well that’s kinda hard to hide for long, or to lie about for long.
I think, ultimately, they do themselves in due to their entitlement and grandiosity.
RB
missymud
Erdelyi, I also tried to warn a woman my ex bf was starting to date- but no go. They want to believe, just like we wanted to believe the lies- even though on some level they know. Donna, nice job on the survey. Prevention, even if it is not perfect, may prevent one person from having to go through the nightmares.
I am curious though, my ex husband traveled a lot and lived in another state during our dating. My ex boyfriend was the same. Seems as if distance helps create the atmosphere to be able to lie and cheat. How many of you started with the person not living near you- ?
Ox Drover
Missy, Yes, distance DOES create a way that they can mask easier. I had casually known my X BF for ten years in a mutual interest group, but he lived 4 hours from me so I only saw him at larger events and only saw the “mr nice guy-mask” BUT that little bit of “knowing’ him (I THOUGHT any way) gave him more credibility than if I had met him somewhere else more recently.
After I got to know his friends better and his family, and HIM, I started to see the truth, but sure didn’t want to see it…I was already hooked.
People are not “vettable” that easily in ISOLATION from their environment any more than a lion is in a zoo versus one in the wild. If you want to know what a lion is capable of, study one in the wild in the natural Environment rather than the one in the zoo. The same holds true I think for people…see how someone is around their friends, co-workers, family, and environment and you’ll get a much more clear and in focus picture than just how they are on the times they are on their “best behavior.” Even a complete jack ass or a psychopath can be “sweet as pie” for a little while, but eventually the REAL person comes out.
ErinBrock
I think the best way to ‘warn’ the next victim is INDIRECTLY…..and never let it come through ‘us’……..
Pull out ALL creativity……and go anonymous……..NEVER letting anyone know where it originated.
Once someone thinks it’s coming from the ex……it will only be viewed as the scorned, jelous ex speaking……and women especially….will think…..I”M GONNA PROTECT MY MAN from that biatch.
Stealth and slow……get’s the word out.
lesson learned
Ox,
SO TRUE! For the obvious reasons that exPOS, “compartmentalized” me from his life, He also COMPARTMENTALIZED HIS WIFE IN ISOLATION…..couldn’t compare stories and he could tell us BOTH whoppers….but eventually that came out.
Wonder how things will be with new gf once he starts his drama bullshiat and tells her some big ole sob story about how his wife is such a biatch…………oh yes yes………….I can see it now…**Shit hitting the fan*** hehehe……….
You don’t have to be miles away for compartmentalizing to happen Ox. I only lived just ten minutes from his house.
lesson learned
EB,
I don’t know how one could do that stealth, nor slow 🙂
Ox Drover
EB does! LOL