Ever since Lovefraud launched in 2005, my goal has been to educate people about the dangers of sociopaths—preferably before their lives are shredded. One effort in that direction is the Lovefraud high school education program—I’ll be doing my first three classes next month.
Another effort is my next book—tentatively called Red Flags of Love Fraud—Signs that you’re dating a sociopath. It will identify behavior that may indicate a prospective romantic partner is not all that he or she claims to be, and explain how what seems to be expressions of love may, in fact, be strategies of manipulation and control.
We’ve discussed our experiences here on Lovefraud, and through the telling, identified many behaviors that all seem to “come from the same playbook.” However, I’d like to collect that information in a more structured way so that I can use it in the book. Therefore, I invite you to participate in the Lovefraud Romantic Partner Survey.
Most of the questions are multiple choice, but there are a few places where you can write out your observations. It would probably be best to do the survey when you have about 20 minutes of free time.
Thank you for your contributions. To start the survey, click the following link:
Eb,
I understand. You’re right, sometimes, backspathing isn’t for everyone. It is a personal choice. And i was very clear about what it was for me. If I could prevent at least ONE woman from being duped, it was worth it. I don’t feel much up to saving the rest of his potential victims, but I have developed a passion for educational pursuits in this area.
I just wish I was as good at as you are LOL!
RB
I was always backspathing by ACCIDENT!
Before I even knew what I was up against, I could tell that if I led him to think that I believed his lies, it was much easier to get my way without being sabotaged.
Unfortunately, I’ve lost my edge there because he knows that I know what he is now.
That’s why I agree with you Erin, we must be patient and humble to backspath. Never reveal what you know, never try to take credit.
My spath did exactly that. I NEVER would have imagined that he was behind ALL the crap that my sister and my neighbors were pulling. He seemed the only person in my life who loved and cared for me. When the spath neighbors were mean, I would vent to him. When my sister pulled crap I would tell him. He knew everything I was planning to do and he would warn them and tell them how to sabotage me. Talk about sleeping with the enemy! My God, what a low-life thing to do to the person who loves you so much that she would have given her life for you. And almost did.
Great survey! If you would have had the question, Do you know exactly when or what event triggered the change in the partners behavior, I could have said Yes! It was when I got pregnant. It was HIS idea to get married and he DID say he was ready to have a baby, but I just didn’t know he was living a lie. When baby happened, he checked out emotionally. I was on my own from that point on. With all my alone time, I finally started to really think about who I married. It was a slow process until one day I hit the jackpot searching the internet and found out my husband had a double life.
Long story short, I got my one year old son and myself the heck outta there. Now it’s 3 yrs later and I’m wishing I felt better by now. I know the healing takes time and I still have to deal with all the emotions of losing so much. My question to you all is, how do I move forward when I still have to deal with him as my son’s dad? We don’t live too close so the visits are about 1 or 2 overnights/month. What I have a problem with is now I know who he is. Now I can see his manipulations so clearly. He used me as a cover to look like a normal person…now he uses my son! I am mad when he blows off my son’s visits and I am mad when he does get a visit because my little boy is just a pawn in his games. I also see my ex use my boy to con his mom because she has money, and con his friends who think he’s just a good dad who has gone through a hard time. I know there’s no feelings behind the show. This man could win an Oscar for his “poor me” routine!
I read a lot on here about the healing process and moving on and leaving the dirt bag behind. But how do I do that when I have to share my 4 year old with him? There is always something new that he does to screw with our lives. I am envious of those of you who don’t have kids with your spath partners, or any contact with them anymore. I love my son more than life and I am completely focused on doing what’s best for him. What is the best? I worry and pray he does not become his father!! I have to remind myself that it is good for him to spend time with his dad right now. Right? Any advise would be much appreciated. Thanks!
Sky,
One of the things that is SO AMAZING about a lot of you here that have had some time to figure this out, is that you KNOW how they THINK. It’s sort of the same thing as anything they SAY. Take it, flip it.
Goes with the motives too. My motives and intentions, out of love and trust for him were the WEAPONS he used to sabotage and hurt me.
I know this is going to sound VERY strange, but as I kept reading through the articles this evening, it began to dawn on me, with all the smear campaigns, etc, that I was LUCKY to have been just the OW here!!!! I’m one of the MANY lies he has OMITTED from his life, and while that has hurt me, now it just might be a damned blessing after all. He can’t DO anything to me anymore. There are no CONNECTIONS to his life left. YAY!!!
WE share NOTHING now. No children, no house, no nothing.
THANK GOD!!!!!
NO ONE knows about me in his “new” life.
But HE does. And there will come a day when more in his future find out.
But he doesn’t WANT them too.
MORE of a blessing for me!
in hindsight with all the sabotaging and purposely NASTY rotten things he does to create drama, it’s good that I’m no longer apart of it.
Granted, I have to deal with exP on a certain level (he got pissed off at me tonight when discussing whether or not he filed his taxes yet as child support will snag them), as he’s the father of ALL of my children, but he HATED the responsibility of involvement with the kids. I keep things very business like and simple. I’m ten years out of that marriage. Now it’s like “so when is your court date to return to prison?” LOL…..
Being alone isn’t so bad after all…
Sheesh!
Roses!
You are SOOOOO getting it!
YES! There is nothing on earth like a spath so we have to start from square one just to begin the process of wrapping our brains around with this concept!
And yet… that’s not entirely true. Spathsticity is everywhere, we just don’t notice it anymore BECAUSE it’s so prevalent. The shock is in seeing it FOR WHAT IT IS. We see how this behavior is so destructive that it can only be called EVIL. Then we think WTF? WTF? WTmotherFing F?
huh?
it’s all uphill from there.
But you’re getting it, babygirl, and so am I. it’s sinking in.
SKylar,
Yep, Yep Yep!! It sure is. I’ve been doing some VERY serious reading here most of the day. I”ve also been reading some of the comments as well, and slowly but surely, the porchlight is on and someone is pulling into the driveway! WOOT! I’m also seeing, that even though wrestling with the pain of the betrayal, the absolute MIND FU**KING ways in which are their MOTIVES (to disassemble our MINDS), is astonishing when reality REALLY hits.
UGH!!
It’s also beginning to feel VERY freeing chica!
Let’s see if I can get out of the driveway and into the damned house from now on.
Yep, we’re gettin it!
Wow, A lot of wisdom being expressed here this evening. It has all been so inspiring to read and reflect on. ‘Roses a bloomin’, you’re no longer a rose-bud. You have blossomed in both, wisdom and in spirit it seems. I had seen it coming out in you the other night. It was the night that you told Petite that you would be leaving the site for a while and she and I expressed to you that you had been a huge help and an asset to others, especially to Petite, herself. Look how far you have come in such a short time. Take pride in that. I already know how grateful you are. It is hard work and you are a superstar!!
Much Love!
Eden
One other thing… ErinBrock…,
What you explained in detail, the technicalities regarding backspathing, the correct way, your way, the safe way… I would love for you to teach me, if you ever have the time. I did learn from your recent post, however it would be terrific to get some more direction from you in terms of my own personal situation. Maybe we shall meet here again, someday.
Have a great weekend!
Eden
Dont know if Id ever be able to backspath my spath daughter, but, you know what? She is getting her comuppance without any help from me,as the law of karma takes its steady toll on her! They think they are so dam smart, NOT!!
Without ANy help from me her life is unravelling fast. In the last 5 years shes lost great jobs,{2 because she stole,or embezzled $62, 800- fro one companylaundered it thru another, was fired from both!} shes lost her home, her husband, her kids, good friends, her Mum,{me,}fantastic jobs,is thousands of dollars in debt,will be 47 in 3 months and still thinks shes a special privileged human being!WTF!
I used to worry about her, as Oxy use to worry about her son in jail for murder, but NO LONGER! Im finally DONE being used, abused, and conned, and hung out to dry.
She is a con artist, a habitual chronic liar, a thief,why would I want to have any more to do with her? I used to worry myself sick about her, NO MORE!!I need he r in my life, WHY??
She had every privilege, every asset, loving parents, a good home.,everything she ever wanted.
She has not one single paper qualifiction to her name, but claims to be journalist. She is not.She has chucked away a good man,has lost her kids, her home,where will she be in 5 years time? Not my problem any more, she did it all to herself. I was used and thrownaway likea used Kleenex. A spath will sell their own Mother for a dollar.I have been betrayed by her so many times, conned, lied to used, abused, No more.Im DONE.I dont believe in unconditional love any more, love for me now is conditional on at least respect.
Love, Mama gemXX
Great idea!!
This website is terrific – we all share our stories of our ex-spaths.
Kudos to everyone who got away from their spaths – and thoughts to everyone that is in the process.
Maybe some day these people will be held liable for their actions… They are cheats, liars, con people.
Also, as EB – said go stealth. I did that to my ex-spaths new conquest. I started an email address with a fictious name and wrote to her. Not sure if it mattered, but he is on his next conquest… He is desperate for medical insurance and needs a place to live – his place (per his ex wife) is going up for sale soon). He can’t be on his own – he is like a parasite. His own parents moved out on him.