Lovefraud has just posted a new case study on Lovefraud.com. It’s probably the most frightening article in True Lovefraud Stories:
Mark Ledden stabs his wife 11 times, then accuses her of attacking him
This is the story of a man who would probably score at the top of the PCL-R, the tool that measures psychopathic traits. He was charming, scamming and over sexed. He coldly threatened violence. Then, when he was crossed, he brutally acted on his threats.
It is also the story of a woman caught in a no-win situation. He seemed like a good guy, a responsible guy, when they became involved. Three months later they were engaged, and three months after that she was pregnant.
After the second child, Mark Ledden started threatening to kill his wife if she ever left him. By this time, Denise knew him well enough to take the threats seriously. She knew he was capable of committing that act of violence.
She also knew that if she left him, he would track her down and make good on his threats. So she stayed—until he did commit violence so atrocious that he was sent to prison. Luckily, she survived.
What do you do?
This case brings up the most difficult scenario when involved with a psychopath: What do you do when he (or she) threatens brutal violence, and you know the person means it?
What good is a restraining order? In reality, they are nothing but pieces of paper, and violence-prone psychopaths don’t care about paper.
Do you go off the grid and completely disappear? If so, how do you start over? You’ll have no identity, no background, no support network.
If Denise had called me for advice while she was still with this man, I don’t know what I would have told her. So I ask Lovefraud readers for your views. How would you advise someone who is living with a psychopathic volcano that could explode at any time?
Waiting,
excellent, you understand his motivations: status symbols.
Make sure you provide that for him, but take no glory for yourself. That will make you useful to him.
Oxy is right, they sabotage at the last minute, so you have to replace that last minute. You need to hint that you are going to have to continue school further or that you are taking longer because of another class you need. Don’t let him know what the timeline really is. Shift it around, make sure your stories are iron clad, don’t get caught in a lie.
I was set free form the Sp Jan 2009, he had found another victim…his 4th wife. I am now just like everyone here trying to figure out how to move on.
Reading Waiting’s story I am brought to the time that I planned to leave(2003 I was able to stay away for 2.5 years, this is the first time I was able to escape). I had spoke with my family, and they agreed to let my daughter and I move in with my brothers. The times that he was gone to work I was transporting items that I knew that he would not miss to their house, I would buy things that I knew that he wouldn’t question me. I began hiding and saving money so that my handicapped daughter and I could at least have some chance of starting over. About 2 months before I was able to carry out my escape plan, all hell broke loose. I was finally able to find another family in the US that had the same syndrome as my daughter (there are 250 reported cases in the world of my daughter’s disability). I was on the phone when he got home from work…normally I would end my conversation so that no excitement would happen. But on this day I was learning about how to help my daughter and what to ask the doctors and how to do the best by her. He preceded to ask who I was talking to, what was for dinner, and for me to get off the phone. I was so relieved and overjoyed by speaking to the woman that I was in tears..finally I wasn’t alone when caring for my daughter. As soon as I was off the phone the name calling, servant expectations took full swing. My daughter was scared as I was holding her tight, he had began yelling and screaming (as he cornered her and I in the very small kitchen)about how dinner needs to be done and that I need to make sure that his things are taken car of, and that I don’t have time to be talking to all those people. My daughter then became increasingly freaked out. As she began crying and becoming more unsure of what was going on I kept saying to him…”Do you see what you are doing to your daughter?” I repeated very calmly with out yelling…he finally stopped screaming long enough to reply, “I don’t care what I am doing to her, she will get over it.” At that moment I was done. He finally left me in the kitchen preparing whatever dinner I could gather, while trying to calm the poor baby that was too scared to know what to do. I packed a diaper bag, very quietly, and walked out of the apartment, he sprang out of his chair and followed me to the stairs, asking where I was going. I calmly replied that I will be staying with the neighbor. He kept trying to grab the baby, and begging me to let him hug her. I would not let him hold her, i told him that i was smarter than that. Once with the neighbor, the plan was in motion, I watched him leave for work, and 6 hours later I was settling in the house with my brothers. I left him a “dear John” letter in red. No phone number no address, just that we were safe.
I was no contact for 8 days…………and the super charming man showed up again………it took 2.5 yrs for me to go back. Each time I returned the abuse, the violence, the prison camp got worse. It really didnt matter that I had gotten out…he wasn’t done with me until he had (1) broke me (2)found the next prey.
I was with him for a total of 10.5 years. The damage sometimes feels unrepairable. I now am caring for my special needs child trying my best to believe that we are not a burden to others, that someone will want us and that we aren’t too damaged. All the while watching him use my precious angel as a trophy, using her as a tool to groom this next poor lady. I hate that he acts like some sort of super dad always willing to step in and help out…after all the years of me being in trouble for seeking medical care for her, all the times that I had to call someone else to take us to the hospital…AND NOW HE IS SUPER DAD…OOOOHHHH man it really BURNS MY BISCUITS.
I am so thankful that my daughter doesn’t fully understand what is going on. I try to explain that mommie loves her and that daddy loves her the best way that he can. I make sure that she knows that it is ok to love him and his new family. I try my best by her….I have already failed her so many ways. My therapist tries to help me understand that I did the best that I could, that I couldn’t protect myself, how in the hell could I protect her.
( I have been here reading for over a year now, and I see my story in your stories, and know that you all can help me move on)
Thank you for being here, although I am sorry that we are part of the “aftermath club”.
xx
1998
survivor, I too have been on this website for about a year reading everyones stories, and seeing my story in there’s. I just posted today for the first time. I’m sorry to hear about your terrible ordeal, and I’m so happy you were able to leave.
Skylar, thanks for the advice. That’s exactly what I did after the 1st time he threatened to kill me, and ever since. Sometime, I hate to admit it, I get drawn back in when he’s being nice, and then I think things might work out. But I think that false hope has happened way too many times now, and I’ve already checked out of our marriage mentally. My only goal is to finish school so I can support our kids when we leave. He’s in the Air Force, so I know he won’t be able to “follow” us wherever we go… so that’s a blessing.
Something I found very interesting, is that his biological father was the exact same way he is. His mother still, to this day, gets threats from his bio dad. Weird he turned out just like him. I purchased the book “Just like his Father” and see that it is genetic. I just hope my kids don’t inherit any of this from him, although we’re already having some problems with our oldest. I’m scarred for her too, but I think getting her away from him can only help her. Thanks again for all the advice. I’m so thankful I found this website, or I’d still be so lost.
Dear Survivor1998,
I’m glad that you found your way here too, and so sorry that you had such a horrible reason to come here, but fortunately you are out of that relationship now, and it is time for you to heal.
The journey starts out about getting away and safe from them, and learning about abusive people so we never have another one in our lives. We know we can’t change them, we can only change ourselves and our reactions to them. NC as much as you can do it is the best way…hopefully he will lose interest in your daughter and his “visits” will be less and less.
I’m also glad that you are in therapy and that is good for helping you heal and giving you support now. Keep on reading and learning, KNOWLEDGE IS REALLY POWER and we have to take back our power.
Also keep in mind that his “new family” are treated just like you were behind closed doors…of course he wants others to think it is wonderful and wants you to think he treats her well…but if he treated you badly, he IS TREATING HER BADLY NOW TOO….that is a FACT! So don’t look at what he is presenting to the world as truth—remember THEY ARE THE LIE! (((Hugs))) and God bless.
Dear Survivor1998 and Waitingtogo –
Welcome friends. xx
Please stay safe and watch your backs. Their craft knows no bounds.
Waiting – if he is playing the honeymoon stage, pretend to go with it but in an exhausted, worn-out-looking kind of way so that he doesn’t presume to get intimate again with you. Smile and be courteous, but just don’t get suckered back in – know that it is a lie and a game and feed your own lie and and your own game back at him, but be subtle.
Patience and careful planning are your allies. Have a back-up plan in case push comes to shove and he gets too out of control before you can put your plans into action. Visit a DV shelter and talk to someone there who can show you all of the available resources and talk you through making a strong plan that will work.
Our thoughts and prayers are with you and your babies. xx
Reading this article gave me the CHILLS! Were the single detail of the stabbing missing from the story, this could have been the story of my own life. The initial appearance of a successful man, the children that were then brought into the world, the decline of finances, the homelessness, etc., all so accurate to me. The VERY words this man said to his wife on Valentines Day, when he knew and expected his lack of consideration to hurt his wife, and when she admitted hate to him she was dragged by her hair– I have lived through that exact situation, minus the stabbing though.
It all reminds me of a very important key point: THERE IS A PATTERN. These people all say and do very similar things, so they can be identified ahead of time.
Lovefraud is a very important site for this very reason. It is a potential lifesaver for people who wonder “should I stay? what could happen?”
By the way, I have court today. Despite about 4 different restraining orders, the social workers and court officials are too oblivious to prevent me from having to sit directly across from my husband for about an hour while we wait for our turn in court.
Having left and been away from him for about nine months now, I still have no easy answer for people who desire to get away from these monsters. In the women shelter I was somewhat safe until he found me (followed me home) and I had to transfer to a different one. Even still it was difficult to cope with life, as I was treated, and still am treated, as a criminal for receiving a black eye in the same home as my children. Court today has nothing to do with him recompensing his family for how he treated them, it is merely one of the hundreds of stepping stones I have to cross in order to get full custody of them again.
If you are reading this, and you are not sure whether to stay or go, I say RUN and never ever ever ever look back. I don’t promise you that it will be easy, because it won’t, but if you value your children and your life, please face those obstacles anyway.
Survivor1998 and BeAware,
All we can do is “the best that we can do.” You are smart women, having ditched the spath. Life is not easy for us, but it is far better without the disordered men in it. Things will improve for you, no doubt about that. My heart goes out to all of us.
Dear BeAware,
Glad you are away, and glad that you are making progress on those “stepping stones” through the swamp of despair. I pray for you and your children through this ordeal by fire through the courts and the stalking. BE SAFE! Stay here and continue to learn and to share your experiences with others who are “sitting on the fence” and can’t make up their minds to go…and I know you know how hard that is. Thank you for being a good example for those people who wonder. ((((hugs))) and my prayers for you and yours.
I think what saved me is my psycho ex’s knowledge of my mother’s suspicions and very active interest in my well being! He hated her because she blew his cover and called the police on him soon after he’d moved the two of us to the country. I called the police several times myself after it became apparent that he’d been hoping to have me all to himself to torment and destroy at his leisure. At the end he evidently decided it would be too risky to do me in–he prefers his life as a free man in the country, and he decided to just divorce me. Because by that time he figured he’d get caught in the act, even admitting one night while drunk that the reason he was divorcing me was because I knew too much about him. It had become apparent to me that he’d likely committed a few murders in his past.
Bottom line is that sometimes it really does pay to advertise! But that doesn’t work so well with a pscho who is so far gone he doesn’t care what happens to himself as long as he can indulge himself at your expense. In that case, run, run, run, if you possibly can!!
Thank you all for your support and for sharing your stories…I am also sure that you can guess that this little story is just the tip of the iceberg…to say the least.
I have been in recovery for 2 years now, there are times that it feels like it was all in another lifetime..that all these things could not have happened…that is proof of how far I have come. But then all of the sudden the PTSD is in full swing. I am holding on for dear life trying to understand, trying to put the right words together in order to explain how I feel, or the flash back that I see.
Beware stated: that they have a pattern…oh my how so true. It is so hard to see..to watch. It is so much easier for me to play nice, for me to be nice, because he is so mean and evil…as long as he thinks that he has some sort of door open, he is the super dad. I worry about the teenage daughter that the 4th wife has. She is 16 and he has made reference to me about her body. I pray that she(the wife) is stronger than I was. I was warned by the 2nd wife..but I didnt believe her.
Now I am in this place where I must face the pain. the truth. the victim. I am too scared to do this. I have already lived thru it once…the PTSD is testimony to that!!
Thing is I hate the victim…even more than i hate him. I feel like such a failure. Sometimes I feel like I should be over this…my wonderful therapist tells me that i didnt get here over night, and i will not heal over night. In order for me to see that it is ok to feel like a victim she used some really strong words the other day…….”1998 you were raped, he raped you emotionally, physically, mentally, spiritually. it is ok for you to see that you were a victim.” she then said that in all her years of practice she has never seen someone “run” from the pain has hard as I do. (i have been seeing this lady for almost 7 years…she has met the SP and she never knew what was going on behind close doors, I was too scared to tell her, and too brainwashed to know the difference…in the time of my recovery I have made her cry at least 3 times-goes to show at what lengths we will go to protect the SP).
Right now I am just looking for the strength to keep on keepin on….I know that we are only as sick as our secrets, but I am too scared to embrace the victim…..
thank you all