Hello my friends”¦
It’s so nice to be here, to discuss the subjects of narcissism and sociopathy.
I’d like to begin by asking each of you, one at a time, to tell us a little about me and what you hope to give me in our short time together?
Uh huh”¦hmmm”¦very interesting”¦.
As we continue circling the room, if it’s alright with you, I’d like to hear a little less about you, and more about me?
Okay, now that we’re done with the introductions”¦.
Let me formally begin by stating something fairly obvious: Narcissists and sociopaths are people you’ll want to avoid. Does this make sense? Are we in unanimity about this?
By the way, I want you to feel free during this presentation, at any point, to stretch my legs and get me a cup of coffee, to ensure my good circulation and alertness? (Incidentally, I like my coffee light with six sugars.)
My friends (and no, I’m not John McCain), I wonder whether any of you, right now, can look yourselves in the mirror and honestly say that you are completely attuned to me and, more important, humbled by the vast expertise I bring to this subject matter?
But I digress”¦.we are here, after all, to discuss me, not narcissists and sociopaths. (Excuse, I meant that the other way around!)
The gentleman over there, yawning, who is texting as I speak? You must be a sociopath, sir; or, at a minimum, a deranged narcissist, to have the gall to enter my audience and so blatantly disrespect me!
I’d suggest, sir, that you think less about that text message and more about the insulting message you send me with your contemptuous behavior?
By the way, my friends, I point that man out over there not to single him out and shame him gratuitously, but rather to identify live, spontaneous examples of narcissism and sociopathy right before your eyes.
Remember, my friends, by some estimates upwards of 4% of the general population are sociopaths! I believe that estimate comes from Martha Stout who, for purposes of her book sales (The Sociopath Next Door) lobbied for 26% as the figure, but after a noisy fight deferred to her publisher’s attorneys.
By my math, this means that, conservatively, at least four of you in the audience are clinical sociopaths. Well, I believe I’ve exposed the first!
Sir, sit down”¦where are you going? You can’t leave!! Sit back down, sir!!
Excuse me? You’re outraged? Did you say you were “outraged?”
Did you hear that, folks?
Listen to me, you arrogant jerk! Sit back down!!
You’re lucky I didn’t call security on you already for disrupting my presentation with your text messaging!! Now you compound your rudeness by deigning to escape with the blithe impudence of a sociopath?
My friends”¦this is the narcissist’s (or in his case, more likely the sociopath’s) contempt on full, alarming display!
Let me tell you something, sir, if I wasn’t so consumed with who I am, I’d be more interested to know who you are, if only to use my clout to ensure that you are permanently banned from all continuing education seminars—not just mine—in perpetuity!
You scoff, sir?
There it is”¦right there, my friends. Again”¦notice the contempt! See it for yourselves.
Fine”¦let him leave. We’re better off without him.
Now where were we?
Oh yes”¦just a reminder”¦we will break for lunch at 12 and I’d like you back no later than by 12:10.
That should give you enough time to scarf something down, and prepare for the brilliant material to come this afternoon.
And by the way, in order to avoid the congestion of those of you trying to crash my dining-room table to lunch with me, I will draw, in advance of our lunch-break, five names from a hat to establish who my dining table-mates will be.
This will be a random drawing, and I must warn you that I am not open to bribes, although I will note that those of you who buy my books—especially many of them—in the next hour or so, in the hall right outside this conference room, can expect special consideration.
Excellent”¦excellent.
The narcissist and sociopath”¦
Who are these individuals, my friends?
The scary thing is that they are our friends, our family, our colleagues, our doctors, our lawyers, our stockbrokers, our mates, and most chilling, our mail-carriers.
What else do we know about them?
We know that individuals with these warped personalities tend to regard others as “objects.”
As a matter of fact, if you leave here with nothing else, with, let us say, just a single, critical concept, let it be this: I know what I’m talking about.
As I was saying, these deviant individuals treat others not like individuals, but like objects. Remember this, because the implication is paramount: when you view others as a something, instead of a someone, it becomes easier to treat that person as a thing, not a person.
Hey you! Over there! Yeah, you! What are you, deaf? Do me a favor and turn the thermostat down, over there by the door. Yeah, right over there, by the door. Knock it down at least several degrees. I’m hot. Extremely hot.
Jesus Christ, yeah, you! That’s right”¦get up”¦out of your seat”¦then walk over to the wall, and jack the thermostat down. Get it, Einstein?
We know, by the way, that the narcissist will have little genuine interest in your experience while being pretty much entirely consumed in his”¦and his comfort.
What, people? You’re cold? That’s ridiculous. How can you be cold? You must be hallucinating! Because it’s hot in here! Nobody in their right minds could be cold when it’s so obviously, intolerably hot and stuffy in here.
Excuse me?
I’m invalidating your experience?
Sweetheart, what hypersensitivity drugs are you on? I’m merely stating an undeniable fact.
What? Don’t call you sweetheart?
Jesus, is this a feminist convention, or a continuing education seminar?
By the way, nobody touch the thermostat now that that cretin over there finally figured out how to adjust it.
I’m just kidding, calling you a cretin. God, you’re a hypersensitive crowd.
But seriously, if anyone so much as dares mess with the thermostat, you’re asking to see a side of me I’d prefer not to reveal.
My friends, sociopaths are fascinating creatures.
My god, have you ever had someone lie to your face, someone who makes an art form of lying convincingly, regardless of his patent guilt, for whom the very act of lying audaciously is a form of entertainment, satisfaction?
What I’m saying, my friends, is that, for the sociopath, the payoff is often the getting away with something; it is often the thrill of the game; the thrill of perpetrating fraud against others!
Come again? My doctorate? Are you questioning my credentials?
Read my lips and look into my eyes, and tell me if I’m lying: My doctorate is legitimate.
How dare you insinuate otherwise!
As the blurb on the seminar brochure says, I graduated at the top of my class from the College of America in 1985, with a Ph.D., MD., and JD. That makes me a psychologist, medical doctor, and lawyer—in other words, someone you don’t wanna mess with.
Now let me go a step further, as I look every single one of you in the eye from my podium: Not only are my doctorates legitimate, but so is everything in my biography.
That’s right, I dare any one of you to disprove a single assertion in my biography, including my claims to have studied closely with Carl Rogers, Gordon Allport, and Louis Pasteur.
Sure, I’m smiling. I’m smiling from the enviable position of a man who knows that he’s betrayed (excuse me, I meant conveyed) his integrity.
That was a Fraudian slip, people. Excuse me, I meant Freudian”¦that was a wholly innocent mistake. Don’t even go there.
Grandiosity”¦grandiosity. Let me look at my notes on grandiosity.
The narcissist and sociopath often have serious grandiosity issues”¦.hmmm.
Speaking of grandiosity, I routinely like to humble the clinicians I supervise by sharing the story of how Rogers—that’s right, Carl Rogers—once told me, “Len, you’re my favorite. You’re my favorite student. My most brilliant student. You will carry my work forward.”
Yes, this story tends to curb my students’ grandiosity.
You’re all shaking your heads”¦in appropriate awe, no doubt?
My friends, for the narcissist, even more than the sociopath, his grandiosity is a defense. The narcissist requires, like an addict, the experience and perception of himself as special, as above others.
Unless the narcissist is catered to, and treated as a sort of celebrity, he feels depressed, worthless, which typically takes the form of his anger and rage.
You two!! Knock it off!! How dare you whisper to each other while I’m speaking!!
Do I need to remind you people that I don’t have to be here. Don’t you get that? I don’t have to be here, people. You do; I don’t.
Last warning; this is my last warning. You people really are testing my patience.
Where was I, before your latest rude disturbance?
Anyway, I’ll tell you an interesting, and perhaps even edifying, story.
Once upon a time there was a married couple. And the wife periodically confronted the husband, “You know what? You’re a goddamned psychopath. That’s what you are. You put on a good front for the public. But make no mistake, you’re a masquerader. I know your deal. You’re a psychopath. And I’m gonna let people know. I’m no longer going to suffer your abuse in silence.”
And the husband laughed with great contempt, because he had great contempt for his wife. And he appreciated neither her scathing tone, boldness, nor, of course, her threat.
And the very next day the wife went missing. And was never to be found.
And the husband told each of his subsequent wives, of whom there were successively three, that they could never measure up to the first, his missing wife.
He’d probably never get over her loss, he’d tell them, with watering eyes.
His undiminished love for her, his first wife, probably was, he’d admit tearfully, holding him back. But he couldn’t help that, of course. His missing wife, after all, was the love of his life, and so maybe he was, he’d suggest, simply too scarred to ever get over it.
And his seeming vulnerability and seeming raw, emotional honesty made it much harder for his later wives to hold him accountable.
Why do I tell you this story, my friends?
Is it my story?
Not really. I know where my wife went”¦I’m convinced she returned to her family somewhere in eastern Mississippi where, I believe, she assumed a new identity and hence as if just dropped off the face of the earth.
Oh no, my wife is alive and well somewhere”¦she just doesn’t want anyone from her past to know about it.
I know exactly what you’re thinking, my friends: She, not I, is the psychopath?
You are a good crowd, very shrewd”¦yes you are.
And her successful disappearance proves just that, does it not? That she, not I, is the psychopath!
After all, only a psychopath, my friends, can just up one day, abandon her family, disappear permanently, and unconscionably leave a cloud of suspicion hanging over her betrayed husband!
Forgive me my tears”¦.I’m a very emotional man who, as you can see, has very deep feelings about this, still.
God, I miss her”¦that woman.
And every day I tell my kids, who are still young, “Don’t worry”¦she won’t be coming home”¦” Excuse me, that was another Fraudian slip”¦I meant to say I tell them, “Don’t worry, children”¦someday, when mama’s ready, she’ll reach out”¦and announce herself again”¦meanwhile, you must ignore those scurrilous, persistent rumors that have hounded me all your lives, rumors of my”¦uh”¦”˜involvement’ in your mother’s disappearance?”
I don’t mean to spin off on this, my friends, but you understand, don’t you, that that student intern with whom I took up just prior to my wife’s disappearance”¦you do realize that the timing of that was, of course, entirely coincidental?
It’s a funny thing, my friends, how in this cynical age we live in, nobody believes in coincidence anymore. How sad”¦how jaded”¦how tragic.
Where was I?
Sociopaths”¦yes, sociopaths are eternally intriguing personalities, my friends.
My friends, we are nearing time for a bathroom break. That is because, naturally, I have to go to the bathroom.
Before we break, and please be ready to resume promptly in no later than 40 seconds, I want to say something about the legendary psychopathy clinician Hervey Cleckley. Cleckley, you know, wrote the classic on psychopaths called “The Mask Of Sanity.”
If you haven’t yet read it, although it now costs about $850 for a used copy, you’re an idiot.
Anyway, I should tell you I was supervised by Dr. Cleckley himself as part of my externship right out of the University of Alabama. I sought Dr. Cleckley out myself, on my own initiative, and let me just say that after we spoke privately in his home office for exactly half an hour, he said, and I quote, “Young man, you are clearly a gifted young clinician. I was unprepared to take on another disciple, but I must say, now that I’ve met you, I wouldn’t think of missing the opportunity. By the way, have you read all six editions of my book?”
I answered, “No, Dr. Cleckley, just the five,” impressing him that I wouldn’t fall for his trick question (the sixth edition wouldn’t appear for some years later, until after his death).
As an aside, you might be interested to know that Dr. Cleckley referenced me frequently in his lectures to other psychiatrists and psychologists, referring to me as “my protégé Len.”
Who’s laughing?
You! Over there! Stand up!
My friends, here you have Exhibit A, standing naked before you, of insecurity, compensation, and envy!!
Your laughter, young man, is obviously a compensation”¦a compensation for the shame you undoubtedly feel at lacking the ability to grasp—to even begin to grasp—the profundity of my clinical wisdom and the intimidating gravity of my experience. This is all transparently obvious, young man. You are a fool.
I’ll tell you what, my friends. Let’s end this lecture, for the present, right here. It seems as good a moment as any. Besides the call of my bladder, I’m feeling some hunger pangs of surprising intensity and tenacity.
It is now 10:55; let’s reconvene no later than 11:05.
Remember, my books are displayed in the hall outside the room. My assistant Connie will be happy to assist your purchases.
Finally, it’s possible that, if we manage to cover the afternoon material efficiently enough and”¦.if you should happen to clear the table of my books for sale, I may consider ending the seminar a little early?
Enjoy your lunch.
(This article is copyrighted (c) 2009 by Steve Becker, LCSW.)
What I meant, learned, about each situation about setting boundaries is “different” is that sometimes with some people, you know off hand that they will NOT respect your boundaries so setting them is a waste of time so instead of confronting them or their behavior (again, depending on the situation) you just “fade out” of those people’s lives without any confrontation. I am doing that now with a woman I know now is a HARD CORE game player—no confrontation because it would NOT do any good, just faaaaaddddeeeee away.
I actually thought with my friend that I could DISCUSS his broken promise, but turned out I was WRONG. He reacted, over reacted, really, very defensively, and I understand WHY (most likely anyway) but I took a risk of losing the friendship when I had set the BOUNDARY and confronted his broken promise. The broken promise wasn’t even over a “big deal” really, but it was a thing that GREATLY inconvenienced me and cost me about $50 bucks. It also suprised me that he would even CONSIDER breaking a promise to me, much less doing it, and then rationalizing that he hadn’t “broken it” just CHANGED IT. LOL In retrospect though, I should have realized how he would respond and not been so “shocked” at his response. I would have done the same thing though, even if I had known before hand how he would respond, I would have confronted it, but having confronted it, witnessed his inappropriate behavior (both for breaking the promise in the first place) then trying to JUSTIFY it afterwards, I’m not all that broken up about the “loss” of the “friendship.” If someone would treat me this way, then they didn’t really put much of a value on our “friendship” even though it was of long duration. We had never had a cross word in our decades long relationship, which was just “buddies” with a lot of the same interests. I obviously cared more about the relationship than he did, but that happens. So really all I “lost” was MY perceptions of how “valuable” I was to him. $50 bucks was my “value.” A cheap lesson in the end for me. He isn’t a psychopath or even a “bad” person. He has a moral compass, but he can manipulate it somewhat (as we all can) to justify his behavior to himself somewhat. Some things he said to my sons after our verbal quarrel (out of my hearing) though, make me think he realizes he was an A$$…and if I did ever mean anything to him as a friend, he will “make it right” but if not, that’s okay too. We all have choices and make them to meet our own needs. If his “need” to be “right” and to not acknowledge his own poor behavior is paramount in his heart, he will hang on to that to justify how he treated me, or he will come and apologize sincerely. Whichever is up to him and the ball is in his court. I did what I had said I would do. I kept MY part of the bargain (at the expense of $50) even though I might have been “justified” in not keeping my promise because he renigged on his–but I pride myself on doing what is RIGHT in a situation (keeping promises) even when others don’t. Them being an A$$ doesn’t justify me acting badly.
Just wanted to say thanks for the words of advice from my previous blog. I am so torn in this but I guess that is a normal feeling for the beggining of this journey. Why can’t he just want to leave me so then I can just easily walk away. Why do I still feel the need to hear promises, lies, manipulation, guilt and even the emotional abuse and stay connected to him. I saw a therapist today to help me with ME. Maybe with her I can see why I feel so little of myself. Why I let the lil good times we have out way all the questions, lies and disbeliefs I have regarding the relationship. He is sooooo good with the guilt. How is life is so good now, he is finally eating and getting rest (that is said when I finally chose to speak to him) then its back to the I dont eat, sleep and I cant work words. How can you do this to me, I thought you were a christian woman, how can you chose to believe what someone else tells you (mind you the “other woman” has had much proof) I am going to continue to read articles on this site and blogs as well and maybe I will begin to learn more of you and learn how to be strong on my own and know that what I have is not the real thing but just something that was painted in my head.
Also, I have a question. I am reading here that they take your wallet and everything in it. Well, actually he pays for things and has helped me along the way with bills and such when needed. BUT I must say it is used against me with the guilt as to “After all I do for you or All the money I spent, all the this time spent…and so on. Does that not make him this type of person talked about here or does it just make him a lil different of one.
Just to say Hi..still alive lol…nah seriously, things are ok, but as predicted I live on the knife edge, thinking hard before I speak, wondering if this is the day something I say sets him over the edge…Early days yet, still waiting diagnosis of my lump and weight loss. He has been here since the 28th Feb, so far only three hair raising days, one assault and a couple of screaming fits (him not me lol)He is when he rememebrs attentive and dare I say cioncerned, but whereas before I thought ye3s its all going to be ok, I cannot help but see the insincerity of his words, I see the words are not heart felt, they are placatory and what he thinks I want or need to hear, the words no longer do it. I know I have made a mistake and in time I will bitterly regret it if I survive, but I dont know how to undo what I have done.
Regards to all..
Dear Lost in fear,
They don’t all TAKE money, sometimes they give it as sort of a “payment” or “bribe” to get you to do what else it is that they want….but they do NOT give gifts, they use it as a control mechanisim. “Beware Greeks bearing gifts” is an old saying that any “gift” is not a “gift” but a bribe and you will PAY WITH YOUR BLOOD for it. Your self respect, your esteem, etc.
GET AWAY FROM HIM, the “after all I have done for you” guilt trip is nothing but a way to control you. YOU DO NOT OWE HIM ANYTHING.
Muldoon, I hope your lump turns out okay, but whatever happens with THAT, I DO BELIEVE YOU KNOW HOW TO UNDO WHAT YOU HAVE DONE (letting him move back in). You go back to the beginning and tell him to get out, or YOU and the kids get out. You don’t stay with him. Whatever your “excuse” to be with him is, it doesn’t “hold water” and it never will. He will always abuse you, and the kids as well.
Lost in fear,
Oxy is right that they don’t all take your money. I just posted on another thread about how all con artist aren’t even sociopaths or psychopaths anyway. (still people to be avoided though). I read an article about this very thing by Katherine Ramsland, I believe it was, and she is a researcher, univ. prof, and also author of The Human Predator.
Muldoon said: “I cannot help but see the insincerity of his words, I see the words are not heart felt, they are placatory and what he thinks I want or need to hear, the words no longer do it. I know I have made a mistake…”————
Look, girlfriend, You’re Damn right you made a mistake. (just like I did all those times I allowed myself to get sucked back in)….Whereas you see the “words” are not heartfelt etc…WHAT I SEE is:
He has been here since the 28th Feb, so far only THREE hair raising days, ONE ASSAULT and a couple of SCREAMING fits (him not me)……………………so, there LESS than a MONTH and already all of the above!!! Sounds as if he is on his best behavior, eh? I know it is difficult Muldoon, but you really sounded sooooo much better when he was gone (once you had been posting here a little while). I really hope you find the strength to get him out of your life for good. I’ll try sending you some positive energy and prayers. –Jen
Muldoon –
Glad to hear from you Muldoon. No matter what happens, please keep posting and giving us updates on your health and progress (or I guess set backs, huh)
Lots of “tough love” is coming your way, Im assuming you may need it since your post was with mixed emotions about where you are in your life.
I thought I would show you a preview of whats to come down the road, if you keep staying in and with the mistake you say you know you are making.. Its a potential note to you from one of your kids one day…
Hi Mom…Just to say Hi..still alive on the outside. lol…seriously, things are ok, but as predicted I live on the knife edge, thinking hard before I speak, wondering if this is the day something I say sets him over the edge”so far only three hair raising days, one assault and a couple of screaming fits. He is when he rememebrs.. attentive and dare I say cioncerned, but whereas before I thought yess its all going to be ok, I cannot help but see the insincerity of his words, I see the words are not heart felt, they are placatory and what he thinks I want or need to hear, the words no longer do it. I know I have made a mistake and in time I will bitterly regret it if I survive, but I dont know how to undo what I have done. Love, me
Muldoon, if not for you…..consider doing it ….for your kids..
Dear Muldoon,
I hope you are reading here again today! Learnthelesson is totally right, Muldoon, if you don’t get out of this relationship ASAP your girls are goniing to tell you the same things like the “Hi, Mom” paragraph that learned took out of the post you made.
The ONLY way to get a real life is to get away from them and stay away from them. I know you are most likely frightened by the wondering about the health issue, but he will make it worse not better. ((((hugs))))) I guess I am just an old “professional mom” but I do worry about you and your kids and how not only your life, but your kids’ lives will be negatively impacted if you keep on with this evil man. (((hugs))) and my prayers for you, sweetie!
lostinfear,
The XS didn’t take money from me. His generosity in terms of paying for things was overwhelming sometimes, mostly because I had not been used to it. he liked the show it put on for others. i.e. he sent a flower arrangement to my home after I broke up with him on a day he knew i had a house full of friends and relatives.
He took something more important….but i am working to gain it back. He took my ability to trust completely. he took my self esteem through abuse, his lies, his deceit. He took an innocense that i will probably never have back again. Hopefully this painful experience will make me stronger. it’s a long road. Get away from him now and cut your losses.
Ok I know this is an old topic, but I have just been reading some of the old articles and posts. I wanted to share about narcissists not reading books as hummingbird 1418, hopeful, shabbychic2, and SocioFree commented about. The one I knew was a teacher, and claimed she doesn’t own a book. How stupid is that? According to her, her lifestyle was too adventurous to stop and read. Once in an email I was sharing to her that I was teaching my students about Mt. Vesuvius and Pompeii. She didn’t know what that was about. She was a Science teacher. I believe this woman also hit on everyone male and female alike. We had some openly lesbian teachers that also wanted to, or maybe were sleeping with her. She had everyone, principals, teachers of both sexes, and students all mesmerized by her charm and beauty. But she was so good at making me feel like she was interested only in me. Then she would withdraw and did the silent treatment even though our routine was to meet and talk every day. This did hurt and shame me as I had one very bad experience in college of a girl sleeping with me and very blantantly ignoring me to my face the next day. She was talking with my roommate on our bed, but acted like I was not even alive. I know this happens in college, but I had also just had a talk with her before we slept together about how I didn’t want this to change our relationship. So this type of behavior really hits me to the soul.