Psychopaths are not necessarily great liars. That’s the premise of a series of articles Dr. Stephen Appel, the newest Lovefraud Blog author, has recently posted on his website, The Top Two Inches.
“The Top Two Inches,” in case you’re wondering (as I was), refers to the head, but means the mind, brain and thinking. Dr. Steve’s website is devoted to contemplating “the mysterious workings of the mind.”
In Myth: Psychopaths are great liars, Dr. Steve agrees that psychopaths are pathological liars. “They are pathological, they are chronic tellers of untruths, and this dishonesty is tied up with their pathology,” he writes.
But according to Dr. Steve, research shows the speech of a psychopath is not particularly convincing. So how do they manage to be so deceptive? It’s everything else that they do—their arrogance, grandiosity, sob stories and intimidation—that mislead listeners into believing them. It’s not the words; it’s the show.
Published author
Dr. Steve is a psychotherapy practitioner, clinical supervisor and educator. He is editor of Psychoanalysis and Pedagogy, a book that looks at education through the lens of psychoanalysis, and vice versa.
Dr. Steve has authored scientific papers as well. One paper, The Heritage of Disorganised Attachment, describes people who relate to others in a way that seems to change moment by moment. They’re cheerful, they’re complaining, they’re angry, they’re depressed—all within an unpredictable matter of minutes. This disorder arises in childhood as a result of maltreatment or living in a frightening environment—conditions a child of a psychopath might experience.
“Psychotherapy with a disorganized client is demanding,” Dr. Steve writes, “but can be life-altering.”
Interest in psychopaths
Dr. Steve has an intellectual interest in psychopaths, and a personal and clinical concern for those they prey upon. While he believes much is to be gained from understanding the psychopathic mind, he is deeply skeptical about the merits of doing psychotherapy with psychopaths.
On the other hand, those who have had their selves distorted, corroded and emptied out by psychopaths need to repair themselves and may benefit enormously from working with a mental health professional.
The Lovefraud Blog welcomes the insights and contributions of Dr. Steve Appel.
When you say that the speech of a psychopath is not particularly convincing, you are absolutely right. Strangely, I think that’s one of the things that sucked me into the relationship with him. There was a profound disconnection between the sweet things he said and the way he behaved. I wanted so badly to believe what he said that I disregarded the detached inability to achieve the sort of connection he genuinely seemed to want. I still believe that some part of him knew he was broken and desperately wanted the sort of emotional intimacy he saw other people experiencing. Sadly, he is completely incapable of empathy and it makes him very, very angry.
So very true. He told me early on he was leaving on a Friday afternoon to go out of town to check on his subcontractors. I’m also a contactor and I know better, typically if you are not standing over them Friday morning, by Friday afternoon they are long gone. His story, possible but not likely. Two years later I’m asking “how in the world?”
He convinced me first because of his groundwork in the beginning showing me someone who he really wasn’t. I thought that person would resurface. He was such a great guy, he wouldn’t lie that boldly! Arrogance and Grandiosity
Then he was just so busy and had so much to do, please be patient. Sob Story
If that didn’t work, next was anger. How dare I not see the reality of his stressful situation and have empathy. How dare I question him and what he tells me. Intimidation
Yep, been there.
Thank you for Dr Steve’s inclusion. I have also realised that most psychotherapists either refuse to have much to do with sociopaths or they are simply uninformed about the disorder.
Perhaps the reluctance to engage with this disorder by professionals is because the prognosis is so poor. Unfortunately, in terms of general practitioners, there seems to be a very low level of real help available for victims. I feel the time is fast approaching that professionals are going to have to study this disorder in depth so that the VICTIMS can be treated.
I’ve dealt with the lying to the point where I’ve coined a phrase that goes, I’m going to let the lying dogs sleep. Not asking questions keeps me from being baffled and knowing it’s not the truth, but not having enough evidence to prove it. The man in question, when confronted with a truth, will call it an accusation. I call it an observation based on circumstantial evidence. So we would go round and round, me knowing in my knower what is, and him knowing I know, but would never admit that I am right. It’s so frustrating dealing with someone who is a facade. It has made the years of holidays, special days and feelings, all a sham. Playacting. But no one ever gave me the script or would even hold up cue cards. I never knew what part I was to play. I never knew what certain word or phrase would set him off.
I remember the man I met and how entranced I was by him. His voice, his walk, his whole demeanor. All a cover. As I got to know him, I found him multi-faceted, but actually one dimensional. An illusion. An apparition. I wondered when the real man would finally show up. He did. I’ve learned to forgive him, but it hasn’t been altogether easy. There are times when I just wish I knew of something that would get to him. It proves nothing. My best peace of mind is letting go. As long as I’m not around him, he can’t lie to me or use me in any way. That gives me peace. Like I said, I let lying dogs sleep.
notquitebroken – You say, “I wanted so badly to believe.” You’re not going to take on all the reponsibility, right? Irving Yalom puts it well: “Let’s say s/he is 95% to blame; let’s see what we can learn from your 5%.”
Benzthere – He showed you “someone who he really wasn’t.” This is well put – it was an optical illusion. It’s a bit like a magician, isn’t it?
buzzibee – Very true. See my comment to notquitebroken above.
apt/mgr – “Let lying dogs sleep”. This is a great new aphorism! If it’s OK I might use it sometime.
Dr. Steve,
Feel free. It’s just my own twist on words. I’ve tried to make sense of the senseless and sometimes just a few words will do it. As I read the stories here, I’m appalled as to the number of people who have just wanted to love and be loved, only to have it all turn into a nightmare. How sad. All I ever wanted out of life, besides a porch, was just normal day to day living. To work, do, play, and look forward to that snuggling at the end of the day. Never did I think I’d be facing lies, cheating, adults faking illnesses to get attention, exploiting, and all the other idiotic ideas some people have that constitutes a relationship. When my journey started many years ago, I was so looking forward to a fulfilling life as wife and mother. The mother I got down pat. The wife part, almost did me in, then when I was down, I met this man who put me down some more. I didn’t think I could have gotten any more down, but I did. I credit God for helping me maintain my sanity. I took off the rose colored glasses and smashed them, and now I question everything and am queen of skeptics.
I’m amazed at what so many here have endured. What I went through wasn’t nearly as bad, but as I said, it’s the end result. We all had a different journey, but we came to the same conclusion. It’s so surreal. Almost like it didn’t happen, but I look around and do a reality check, and say, yes it did. I keep thinking I should still be that wife I started out as, 37 years ago, but that’s gone. I mean what I say and say what I mean, and thought everyone else did. I feel like all those years were in vain and they would have been had it not been for my children. I look at them and say I’ve been blessed. They escaped unscathed. They have normal lives with husbands who are there for them. God orchestrated all that for me. If I had to sacrifice my own personal happiness for their sake, then it was a small price for me to pay. I’m on the other side and still have some unresolved issues, but it sure is better than it was and just has to get better. I’m in charge now and won’t put myself at the mercy of another person again, unless I’m not in my right mind, then I don’t care what they do. I should have all my money spent by that time!!
Wonderful and interesting comments here. If I may throw a little more light on this concept of the illusion and the magician that Dr Steve mentioned :
My sociopathic encounter found me deeply in the world of New Age Spiritualism and I have learned much through this.
Besides learning, first hand, just how many mind-controlling and false people are becoming wrapped up in this particular belief system with all this “self-help” being very prominent, many latent sociopaths are finding this “world” a haven where they are free to design their own rules because they do not answer to a tangible (physical) higher authority. There is no pastor, priest or rabbi knocking on their door keeping them in check. There is no rule book (Bible, Koran, Torah, etc) to give them guidelines. They are loose cannons, left to their own devices within the creation of perception and the cognition of their own minds. And we all know how vicious and sick those minds are, don’t we? “Come closer so I can slap you again, but I’m going to do it with a smile on my face and make you feel like you are the crazy one.”
We find sociopathy infiltrating all religions, organised and otherwise but the New Age movement is a h a v e n for the sociopath. Of course I’m not saying that every new agey person is a sociopath. I am saying that this “order” has MUCH place for, and encourages, narcissism and sociopathy. The attitude is : “it’s my right to take what I think I should have and because I’m a child of the Universe, whatever I want, is mine.” Make no mistake, they orchestrate control, manipulation, dictation and judgemental superiority with amazing subtlety… and they do it with a sweet smile on their faces that leaves you in tremendous confusion because hey, they are spiritual people and God, The Creator, Spirit (by whatever name you call the higher power) is all about truth, love, caring, sincerity and selflessness. New Agers are not required to even acknowledge their sins and wrongs where Christians are called to repent or Catholics, to confess. New Agers answer to the Universe and this opens a wide door of personal perception which, for the latent sociopathically disordered mind carries as much “substance” as the dust in the wind while giving them free reign.
In the spiritual world there is a term known as Maya. Here’s a very appropriate description of Maya, taken from the Hindu religion :
“This Maya is a sort of jugglery. You are astonished so long as the juggler is not seen. As soon as the juggler is known, the results are known to be unreal; the wonder ceases at once. When you realize Brahman, the wonder of Maya’s working vanishes.”
“Realizing” Brahman is that moment when realization and the acquisition of knowledge hits us and we achieve higher understanding… the penny drops. i.e. the illusion falls away and the truth behind the illusion is revealed. Unfortunately, reaching this level of understanding is hard to come to terms with and agree with simply because the sociopathic illusion is SO great and in a spiritual concept it’s even greater because it is the LAST thing you would expect from a spiritual person.
These people really should be standup comedians because THEY will be the first ones to tell you “beware the Maya” and “don’t be judgemental” and “love deeply” and “there is NO PLACE for superiority in this life we’re living.” They are a contradiction to themselves. So many of them are operating as Healers. Most have read a few pages on the internet and have appointed themselves as Healers of the human body, mind and soul. How scary is that??
Going a step further … because it’s prominent – The world of “self-help” is now in mammoth proportions with Americans spending upwards of Eight Billion Dollars (yes, Billions) a year on self-help books, cd’s and dvd’s and by 2010 it is expected to be around the thirteen Billion dollar a year mark!! Let’s not forget the millions of dollars generated by the latest “fad” – the Law of Attraction, which is currently being disputed and receiving more and more bad publicity for the depths of deception it is creating, not to mention encouraging narcissism. And that’s only in the USA.
There is nothing wrong with positive thought, in fact it’s necessary for man to evolve, but this marketing ploy reaches far deeper into the human psyche and human spirit than most people are aware of. How many of these authors and coaches are properly qualified to guide and nurture the masses? How many have real education in their field? How many are sociopaths feeding their power issues in a world where people are seeking answers??? I’d say at a safe guess that probably 80% of these self-help books are written with a spiritual, new-agey connotation, by unqualified people … and WHO is there to monitor what is being “preached” ??? It’s MAYA, as are so many of these illusory magicians.
thought that Donna and anyone else could be interested…Psychopaths finally made it to the scientific journal “Nature”…
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http://www.nature.com/nature/journal/v450/n7172/index.html#nw
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Abnormal neuroscience: Scanning psychopaths p942
Are their brains not wired to feel what others feel, or do they just not care? Alison Abbott joins researchers looking into normal neurobiology through the scope of psychopathy.
P.S. Donna I will be sending you an-e-mail with the attached pdf file because I am not sure how to share that file.
apt/mgr – Psychopaths destroy. But it seems that they can’t quite destroy everything, right?
buzzibee – You confirm something I have wodered about. The lack of regulation, the seeking people, the money, the power – it must be like a magnet for the psychopath!
Something I’ve noticed is what I call: macro warm, micro cold. I.e. People who all kinds of beautiful values, about the universe, the planet…but when it comes to the individual person right before them it’s another story.
Ah, yes, ‘The Secret’. I mean to write a short post on that.
CellStemCell – My guess before reading the article you link: they do feel and care, but in such different ways to regular folks that probably very different regions of the brain are at work.
Buzzibee,
I love what you say about New Age stuff. I was just thinking about this too. Lately, I have been totally turned off when I find a guy talking about finding his “goddess.”
The Bad Man was a former (ex-communicated) Minister. He was shifting toward New Age stuff when I met him and I thought he had a lot of circular talk that went nowhere and was based on nothing.
These days, I am very wary of New Age thoughts and people and I will admitt, I have some of those books and have seen the movies. Still, something keeps me from really going there.
I just turned down an inquiry on Match.com because the guy said he was really into “Warrior Camp” which I happen to know is one of those beat-a-drum-and-skip-naked-through-the-forrest things. (I might be exaggerating a little.)
I am glad you brought up this subject. I do think that socipaths love to hide under the cover of this foo-foo spirituality. You are exactly right too… who do they have to answer to? (I am not saying anything new here that you didn’t already say).
Anyway, just wanted to say “ditto”.. I totally relate. There are many common threads to our experiences.
One thing I have noticed, is that there seem to be so many articulate, eloquent people visiting this site and leaving notes about their experiences with sociopaths. I think this is a good point. Society has certain ideas about what abuse is and what kind of people put up with it. I don’t feel that I fit the profile of an abused woman.
Sociopaths are hard to explain. Being a victim of one is even harder to explain.