By Joyce Alexander, RNP (retired)
I get most of my mail at a PO box and only a few things come to my rural mailbox, which sits on the road at the end of my driveway. A few days ago I checked the mailbox, and there were several Christmas cards ”¦ including one from an EX-friend.
We had reconnected a few years ago. He was an old college chum, a guy that I had palled around with when I was in my first couple of years of nursing school. He is also a nurse, now retired. We had a lot of the same interests then and still do, so since he had recently moved to this area, we started going places together and just being pals again. This was really kind of fun to have a “running buddy” to go to auctions with. My son D had also known my buddy’s sons at scout camp, so it was a “family friendship” as well.
After a couple of years of this, he began to act kind of snarky and did some things that were frankly dishonest and stupid. One of the things he did was to break a small agreement we had made, nothing “serious” as far as money was concerned, just $56, but he just didn’t do what he said he’d do and it greatly inconvenienced me. I decided it was serious enough of an inconvenience that I would try to talk to him. We sat down in my dining room and I brought up how he had backed out on the small agreement we had made and that I didn’t appreciate it. He became absolutely livid, called me a liar, accused me of trying to cheat him, etc., so in the very middle of his rant, I told him “Get out of my house right now!”
Since that day I had actually seen him only a couple of times in various stores. This year at Thanksgiving he showed up at one of our living history events ”¦ and I just ignored his presence and kept going. He also saw me and realized that I had ignored him.
My son and I had seen his son a couple of times, as he buses tables at a restaurant we eat at once in a while and both of us had been very friendly to the boy and cordial. Neither of us hold any grudge against the boy for his father being a jerk.
“Cooling off”
So there was a Christmas card from my ex-friend in the mailbox, and inside was a note from him saying that the “cooling off period” between us had gone on for far too long and he wanted to be friends again. I laughed when I read it.
This man is not a psychopath, he is just a jerk without a great deal of understanding of social discourse. He isn’t going to burn my house, or murder me, or anything else. But he took the holiday as an appropriate time in his mind to try to “mend fences” —without the proper tools.
Why would I laugh? Well he obviously thinks that “bad behavior + time = pretending it didn’t happen and everything’s lovely.”
Well, it may be true that “tragedy + time = humor,” but it does not mean we “pretend it never happened.” Time passing does not mean that no recognition of bad acts and no apology + time means “all is well.”
I don’t hate this man, I’m not still angry at him. I have “forgiven” him, in that I do not harbor bitterness toward him, but I don’t want to associate with him, to go places with him, or have him over at my house, because I have LOST TRUST in him. While I can “forgive” him, without TRUST, there just isn’t any need for association, because being around people I don’t trust isn’t something that makes me happy.
Being a stickler
Why am I being such a stickler? It wasn’t a big deal, really. I mean, come on, it was only $56, and he just lost his temper and called you nasty names. You’re a big person, Joyce, can’t you take the “high road” and just get over it? Now that a couple of years have gone by, shouldn’t we just cool off and be friends again?
The answer is NO! I don’t want to be friends with this man, now or ever, even though he is not a psychopath, he is not dangerous, and overall most people would say he’s a pretty good guy. However, he flunked the “Ox Drover friendship test,” which consists of an apology. His apology should have had three parts:
- acknowledging that what he did in breaking the agreement was wrong,
- that he was sorry he acted like he did, that he had no right to call me ugly names, and
- that he would never act like that again.
However, because he shows no recognition that what he did was wrong, there is no (#1) He shows no remorse for what he did so there is no (#2). He is only extending his “olive branch” to me to “pretend it never happened.” And of course because there is no #1 or #2 in his “extended olive branch” there can’t be a (#3), which means that I can’t trust him to not repeat this kind of behavior. I also realize that he has a hot temper when he is crossed or disagreed with or when he gets called out on BS.
Lost trust
As the philosopher Nietzsche says “It doesn’t matter to me that you lied, what bothers me is that I now cannot believe you.”
I lost my trust in my now-ex friend that day when he broke his word, and then projected on to me the problem, then called me a liar.
At the time that happened, my boundaries with people who were “close to me” were still pretty shaky, but I was getting my “training wheels off” with boundaries and I made this one quickly and firmly and have not wavered one whit from that day.
I actually started to write a reply to him, because he isn’t a psychopath, and I thought maybe, just maybe, he would see the error of his ways. But I got to thinking about what I would write and realized I didn’t even care enough to tell him what a jerk he is.
The best part though, is I don’t even feel guilty about not replying, and I don’t wonder if I should have taken his proffered “olive branch” (sans apology).
I agree with Ox Drover…it is a wise and prudent thing to judge others… condemning them to eternal hellfire is what we should not do…. they do that for themselves…
Besides…we (those who stand strong for ourselves) suffer judgment by others when we refuse to put up with their crap– we are called all kinds of things and accused of being mean, unloving, etc…. and my response to that is, “Yup! and I can be nasty too.. wanna see?”
It doesn’t matter to me that you lied, what bothers me is that I now cannot believe you.”
That really says a lot; doesn’t it?
Thanks Ox. That is an EXCELLENT saying to remember.
I am saving it and I’ll make sure you get the credit for it.
What hurts more than being lied to is knowing you weren’t worth the truth…
THAT is the mark of a psychopath…lying and spinning webs of mass deception. Not caring who they hurt nor how. All that matters to them is their position.
Yes, you are right, Joyce. A person MUST stand up for themselves and stand their ground. Definitely. We have every right to NOT choose just like everyone else has a right TO choose how we value life and see things…if we can’t stand up for what we believe, especially when it comes to virtues such as honesty and kindness, etc., if we can’t stand up for those things that we hold dear, we don’t need the ‘environment’ nor ‘landscape’ around us.
I am like you: once that trust is broken, it’s gone.
It’s pointless trying to get it back. I always smile and wonder about couples who say: “Oh, we went to counseling and worked it all out…” DID THEY REALLY? Or, is it just a facade? Once that trust is broken there is no coming back from that.
Bravo Joyce. I admire you for standing up for yourself.
I have done a lot of that myself, these days. Much to the dismay of others, I am afraid.
Thank you for your frying pan when I have needed it…
I think I am on the road now…hopefully. I know I still have a long ways to go but at least I am not a prisoner anymore in my own life and in my own mind…the ABUSE was just overwhelming and leopards don’t change their spots…
mawahhh!!! xxoo
Nite Nite Love Frauders…
Dupey
Dear Hurtnomore,
I want to second what Ox says… and please forgive me if I do not know your entire story, I may not be responding quite on target because of that.
But… I struggled for years to find financial independence. First, my family of origin paid for me, then I barely got a taste of independence in my 20s, and then I got married and had 3 kids in short succession and became dependent upon my abusive ex-spath… then my parents helped support me again as I went through the divorce (awful feeling to be dependent), then a second, failed marriage (more dependency)… struggle, struggle… now, FINALLY at age almost-50 I am making it on my own, supporting myself and my 3 children, and it feels GREAT.
That is just a plug for you to find your own way to independence. It is an individual path. I do firmly believe you will get what you need, and do not be afraid of hard work. There are many paths to fulfillment.
And also, please… if you can… take care of yourself (EAT!!! (some nutritious stuff, I mean :)) you will feel better…). Though during periods of shock, I realize it is normal/common to lose one’s appetite.
You are NOT alone — you have the support of many people on this forum, and you WILL find your way. Sometimes it seems darkest before the dawn. (You’ve heard that one before — and I think it is true). Try taking a few steps in a new direction and see what you might find.
And hang in there. A wonderful life is awaiting you, though it may look different from the one you thought you had planned.
hurtnomore – have something to eat and if you are not out of school yet, please talk to a school counselor about finding a place to live/ job.
i know this sucks and that you are devastated. we don’t a;ways get what we work for, want or need in life. God or no god, life is not easy. It IS important that we develop resilience. It is one of the MOST important things. I see my 95 year old demented grandmother still in there responding to life’s slings and arrows – she is one of the most resilient people i know.
no one here is surprised your dad did what he did, and I understand your anger and the sense of betrayal you must feel – regardless of the fact you KNOW what he is, you have still been hoping this would turn out differently. you are not so different that most of this in that regard.
so eat, find a roof and a job. you need to stabilize yourself first. and no, going to your family is not a good idea. they will continue to try to destabilize you. I was on my own at your age – if not younger – and what freedom!
Happy new year. It’s started off crap – hopefully, it will only get better. life brings many ups and downs – that part never ends. keep your chin up and advocate for yourself.
best,
one joy
Hurtnomore ~ You may not get exactly what you want and have dreamed of NOW, that doesn’t mean you won’t be able to achieve your dreams. It may just take a little longer, which isn’t always a bad thing.
Like one/joy said, you need to stabilize yourself first, as in NOW. Face things one at a time (baby steps) starting with eating, sleeping and getting yourself healthy. Next find a job, any job for now, look at it as temporary. Waiting table in a nice restaurant can bring in really good tips, for example. Find a temporary place to live, you can “move up” as you can afford it. Be on the lookout for a longer term job that has education benefits. My son was able to get his master’s degree with the company he works for paying most of the tuition. My daughter-in-law got her PhD with the county she works for paying. My youngest son is currently taking classes on line and his company is paying over half the tuition.
When you have enough money, take as many classes as you can on line, temporarily until you can afford to enroll back in school.
It will take a little longer, it will not all happen NOW, but it can and will happen. I will even go as far as saying, I bet it will mean a lot more to you in the end than if you had it all paid for by your father. You will also learn life lessons along the way.
Don’t give up, dig your heals in and start NOW.
He’s back again.
here is what he sent me.
http://comedy.video.yahoo.com/?lid=24038736&vid=24751611
Is there a significance to the begging?
Sky ~ not sure about the significance to the begging – would it be him begging or you begging?
Did you happen to catch the caption -“This fellow definitely wants something” – maybe that is the tell ???
Milo,
I think the begging is a pity ploy: to make me think of him begging innocently for attention.
I hadn’t thought of the caption as a tell! Good call!
The reason I posted this is so people can see how innocently an evil spath can present himself. It almost makes us take our boundaries down. But I know how diabolical he is.
Spath has always used cute animals in his schemes. He used to have pictures of my cats on his laptop screen saver. He said, “when I walk into a restaurant, I’m just your average dude. But when I open the laptop and the waitress sees the picture of my cat, EVERYTHING CHANGES!”
Oxy- Bravo! Excellent post and I love the quote.
I have also gone through a similar experience with my FIL. Back in the spring of last year we had a falling out of sorts. In a public place, in front of my children no less. Did I ever receive an apology? Not to this day. At this point, any apology I receive from him would only be because of outside ‘prompting’ to which I ask- Is there really any ‘feeling’ in that apology? Yeah, not hardly…
So I continue on, not paying any mind to his attempts to carry on ‘life as usual’. I don’t care that he is ‘well respected in his circles’ since I can only imagine these people may not have been tread upon by him yet… If they have and allow him to carry on like nothing happened- well then they too are showing their true colors as to how shallow and superficial they are as well. Is any of this My creation or problem to fix? Only if I allow it to be, which I don’t.
Hurtnomore- I am not fully aware of all of the painful details of your situation, but from what others have said, you need to come to grips with what life is handing you to deal with. Pull yourself up by your bootstraps and get on with YOUR life.
The counselor may know of a way for you to stay in school, may be able to help you secure housing- or not, worse case scenario. Doing for yourself will bring you a greater sense of accomplishment and acheivement when you do reach your goals. I am struggling as many people are, but there is a light at the end of the tunnel. You can either sit on the tracks and keep staring at it or get up, move on and start walking towards it. The choice is yours to make.
If it takes a little longer to reach your dreams and goals, so be it. Nobody can take those away from you, but it sounds like you are allowing others to get in your way, undermine your efforts and muddy the waters. WHY? Because they lost sight of their own dreams? Is that reason or cause to allow them to destroy yours? I have people in my life doing the same at every attempt and know how it feels. How sad for them, but they can’t have mine.
Embrace the new year, attack each day with a vengance to accomplish something. Set a goal for yourself each day. Small things that will bring you rewards and will be uplifting to your spirit. Slowly start to spread your wings and before you know it, you will be flying. When that day comes… Let us know how the view is from up there ok?
Dupey, the quote was not mine but
As the philosopher Nietzsche says “It doesn’t matter to me that you lied, what bothers me is that I now cannot believe you.”
And you know, that is one of my FAVORITE sayings….Don’t ya just LOVE the “one line philosophies?” SO TRUE. What bothers me is that NOW I CANNOT BELIEVE YOU. That is the thing that just makes me want to ska-reeeeee-am!
When people betray me, it means I cannot trust them. When they lie it means I can’t believe them any more.
I hate that, because I WANT to believe people, I want to trust people, but I will NO LONGER believe and trust those who have shown me they are not to be believed or not to be trusted.