By Joyce Alexander, RNP (retired)
I get most of my mail at a PO box and only a few things come to my rural mailbox, which sits on the road at the end of my driveway. A few days ago I checked the mailbox, and there were several Christmas cards ”¦ including one from an EX-friend.
We had reconnected a few years ago. He was an old college chum, a guy that I had palled around with when I was in my first couple of years of nursing school. He is also a nurse, now retired. We had a lot of the same interests then and still do, so since he had recently moved to this area, we started going places together and just being pals again. This was really kind of fun to have a “running buddy” to go to auctions with. My son D had also known my buddy’s sons at scout camp, so it was a “family friendship” as well.
After a couple of years of this, he began to act kind of snarky and did some things that were frankly dishonest and stupid. One of the things he did was to break a small agreement we had made, nothing “serious” as far as money was concerned, just $56, but he just didn’t do what he said he’d do and it greatly inconvenienced me. I decided it was serious enough of an inconvenience that I would try to talk to him. We sat down in my dining room and I brought up how he had backed out on the small agreement we had made and that I didn’t appreciate it. He became absolutely livid, called me a liar, accused me of trying to cheat him, etc., so in the very middle of his rant, I told him “Get out of my house right now!”
Since that day I had actually seen him only a couple of times in various stores. This year at Thanksgiving he showed up at one of our living history events ”¦ and I just ignored his presence and kept going. He also saw me and realized that I had ignored him.
My son and I had seen his son a couple of times, as he buses tables at a restaurant we eat at once in a while and both of us had been very friendly to the boy and cordial. Neither of us hold any grudge against the boy for his father being a jerk.
“Cooling off”
So there was a Christmas card from my ex-friend in the mailbox, and inside was a note from him saying that the “cooling off period” between us had gone on for far too long and he wanted to be friends again. I laughed when I read it.
This man is not a psychopath, he is just a jerk without a great deal of understanding of social discourse. He isn’t going to burn my house, or murder me, or anything else. But he took the holiday as an appropriate time in his mind to try to “mend fences” —without the proper tools.
Why would I laugh? Well he obviously thinks that “bad behavior + time = pretending it didn’t happen and everything’s lovely.”
Well, it may be true that “tragedy + time = humor,” but it does not mean we “pretend it never happened.” Time passing does not mean that no recognition of bad acts and no apology + time means “all is well.”
I don’t hate this man, I’m not still angry at him. I have “forgiven” him, in that I do not harbor bitterness toward him, but I don’t want to associate with him, to go places with him, or have him over at my house, because I have LOST TRUST in him. While I can “forgive” him, without TRUST, there just isn’t any need for association, because being around people I don’t trust isn’t something that makes me happy.
Being a stickler
Why am I being such a stickler? It wasn’t a big deal, really. I mean, come on, it was only $56, and he just lost his temper and called you nasty names. You’re a big person, Joyce, can’t you take the “high road” and just get over it? Now that a couple of years have gone by, shouldn’t we just cool off and be friends again?
The answer is NO! I don’t want to be friends with this man, now or ever, even though he is not a psychopath, he is not dangerous, and overall most people would say he’s a pretty good guy. However, he flunked the “Ox Drover friendship test,” which consists of an apology. His apology should have had three parts:
- acknowledging that what he did in breaking the agreement was wrong,
- that he was sorry he acted like he did, that he had no right to call me ugly names, and
- that he would never act like that again.
However, because he shows no recognition that what he did was wrong, there is no (#1) He shows no remorse for what he did so there is no (#2). He is only extending his “olive branch” to me to “pretend it never happened.” And of course because there is no #1 or #2 in his “extended olive branch” there can’t be a (#3), which means that I can’t trust him to not repeat this kind of behavior. I also realize that he has a hot temper when he is crossed or disagreed with or when he gets called out on BS.
Lost trust
As the philosopher Nietzsche says “It doesn’t matter to me that you lied, what bothers me is that I now cannot believe you.”
I lost my trust in my now-ex friend that day when he broke his word, and then projected on to me the problem, then called me a liar.
At the time that happened, my boundaries with people who were “close to me” were still pretty shaky, but I was getting my “training wheels off” with boundaries and I made this one quickly and firmly and have not wavered one whit from that day.
I actually started to write a reply to him, because he isn’t a psychopath, and I thought maybe, just maybe, he would see the error of his ways. But I got to thinking about what I would write and realized I didn’t even care enough to tell him what a jerk he is.
The best part though, is I don’t even feel guilty about not replying, and I don’t wonder if I should have taken his proffered “olive branch” (sans apology).
Ox Drover says:
They do NOT like to be lied TO, but it is OK for them to LIE. Can’t figure that one out, but seems to be the case. If you lie to them they become enraged, but they are “justified” in lying to you. DUH!
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No truer words, Ox.
Great article, Oxy!
I’ve been whittling down my friend list. One of the most recent deletions didn’t even extend a hand to help me up when I had fallen while hiking and landed on exposed tree roots. She also avoided me for a full six weeks after my mother died……not even a sympathy card. If I cannot rely on someone, I cannot consider them a friend. She behaved like this before and we had lost touch for years though we renewed our friendship a couple of years ago. You are right Oxy, these traits are part of who they are and they don’t change.
She is now an acquintance who I will politely acknowledge and converse with should I pass her on the street but no more than that.
~New
I was just thinking what if I joined the army, or navy or the reserves? I mean I get to be an independent on FAFSA, my college tuition(most, at times all) gets paid for, I don’t mind serving after college. Why didn’t anybody think of that? It may not be easy but I think I would appreciate it. I’ve been researching all about it and I may have to start getting healthy again. I looked at it and it doesn’t take as long as you think to join either. I just want some honest feedback.
The book Incognito, the Secret Lives of the Brain by David Eagleman touches upon the same theory about the two hemispheres of the brain functioning more independently of each other in P’s. The sparse connections between the two hemispheres explains many oddities I noticed in my ex P over the years.
Apparently this is what also creates memory problems for them. My ex’s memory is like swiss cheese unless it is associated with any of his misdeeds…..then he remembers minute details. As typical, they are a mass of contradictions.
hurtnomore010,
That’s an excellent idea. I know of a really nice woman who went into the Navy right after high school (she lives here in my neck of the woods). Her education was paid for – today she is a nurse practitioner. She met her husband via the Navy and they have a good marriage, nice home, two grown kids, satisfying careers, etc. I think you’re onto something.
New Beginning,
That’s interesting. Our spath’s memory is not good. I question if he remembers all the stunts that he’s pulled – the lies, thefts, etc. He struck me (at times) as being unable to remember things that he’s done (in the past), stuff that was downright deplorable. I guess he does so many bad things, why bother to keep track of them, eh? (his thinking on the subject).
Bluejay, it made a lot of sense to me and though I said mine remembered minute details I suspect it was for a few select things he was particularly proud of.
My ex MIL who is also a spath has the same memory issues, especially anything that occured when she was in a rage. She also has very little memory of bringing up her children though I’m guessing the non-spath’s remember raising our children so clearly because of the emotional ties we have with them.
My ex has no emotional ties to our son though he occasionally tries to fake it. It all become crystal clear when he became enraged last week because our 23 yr old son is on his health insurance. Scary…..very scary.
Hurtnomore,
That is a possible idea….and I am not sure they will pay for your education BEFORE you join, or do service, but check it out…it can’t hurt to talk to a recruiter or two. There is also the peace corps, and job corps as well….there are more than 1 or 2 options…so explore as many as you can before you are out on the street! Good luck!
Strongawoman
I was also told that my stong points were my honesty and that I had a big heart and yes, they were used to his advantage. He too would argue black was white, even when I knew differently, and he knew I knew that the truth was different – but he seemed to think that the more he said it the more true it became.
I also realised that he lies to himself – he would reinvent our history to suit himself and then believe it. Even now I hear him creating unreal worlds past and future in his head and he thinks they are both accurate. But I know neither are truthful or real. Listening to him talk to other people I wonder how many of them realise how contradictory his stories are
He believes himself to be an honest man who would not deceive anyone. But he deceives himself completely
The Nietsche quote is only too accurate!
Love lost,
it means so much when someone else identifies with some crap I’ve been through. Makes getting through another day a bit easier so thank you.
The huge irony is that he hated liars. His parents both lied to him and his mum got him to cover for him when she lied to her mother. …..or maybe that’s all a lie too! Sigh.
Ox, am on the case. “Without Conscience” has been ordered
Greetings : )