By Joyce Alexander, RNP (retired)
I get most of my mail at a PO box and only a few things come to my rural mailbox, which sits on the road at the end of my driveway. A few days ago I checked the mailbox, and there were several Christmas cards ”¦ including one from an EX-friend.
We had reconnected a few years ago. He was an old college chum, a guy that I had palled around with when I was in my first couple of years of nursing school. He is also a nurse, now retired. We had a lot of the same interests then and still do, so since he had recently moved to this area, we started going places together and just being pals again. This was really kind of fun to have a “running buddy” to go to auctions with. My son D had also known my buddy’s sons at scout camp, so it was a “family friendship” as well.
After a couple of years of this, he began to act kind of snarky and did some things that were frankly dishonest and stupid. One of the things he did was to break a small agreement we had made, nothing “serious” as far as money was concerned, just $56, but he just didn’t do what he said he’d do and it greatly inconvenienced me. I decided it was serious enough of an inconvenience that I would try to talk to him. We sat down in my dining room and I brought up how he had backed out on the small agreement we had made and that I didn’t appreciate it. He became absolutely livid, called me a liar, accused me of trying to cheat him, etc., so in the very middle of his rant, I told him “Get out of my house right now!”
Since that day I had actually seen him only a couple of times in various stores. This year at Thanksgiving he showed up at one of our living history events ”¦ and I just ignored his presence and kept going. He also saw me and realized that I had ignored him.
My son and I had seen his son a couple of times, as he buses tables at a restaurant we eat at once in a while and both of us had been very friendly to the boy and cordial. Neither of us hold any grudge against the boy for his father being a jerk.
“Cooling off”
So there was a Christmas card from my ex-friend in the mailbox, and inside was a note from him saying that the “cooling off period” between us had gone on for far too long and he wanted to be friends again. I laughed when I read it.
This man is not a psychopath, he is just a jerk without a great deal of understanding of social discourse. He isn’t going to burn my house, or murder me, or anything else. But he took the holiday as an appropriate time in his mind to try to “mend fences” —without the proper tools.
Why would I laugh? Well he obviously thinks that “bad behavior + time = pretending it didn’t happen and everything’s lovely.”
Well, it may be true that “tragedy + time = humor,” but it does not mean we “pretend it never happened.” Time passing does not mean that no recognition of bad acts and no apology + time means “all is well.”
I don’t hate this man, I’m not still angry at him. I have “forgiven” him, in that I do not harbor bitterness toward him, but I don’t want to associate with him, to go places with him, or have him over at my house, because I have LOST TRUST in him. While I can “forgive” him, without TRUST, there just isn’t any need for association, because being around people I don’t trust isn’t something that makes me happy.
Being a stickler
Why am I being such a stickler? It wasn’t a big deal, really. I mean, come on, it was only $56, and he just lost his temper and called you nasty names. You’re a big person, Joyce, can’t you take the “high road” and just get over it? Now that a couple of years have gone by, shouldn’t we just cool off and be friends again?
The answer is NO! I don’t want to be friends with this man, now or ever, even though he is not a psychopath, he is not dangerous, and overall most people would say he’s a pretty good guy. However, he flunked the “Ox Drover friendship test,” which consists of an apology. His apology should have had three parts:
- acknowledging that what he did in breaking the agreement was wrong,
- that he was sorry he acted like he did, that he had no right to call me ugly names, and
- that he would never act like that again.
However, because he shows no recognition that what he did was wrong, there is no (#1) He shows no remorse for what he did so there is no (#2). He is only extending his “olive branch” to me to “pretend it never happened.” And of course because there is no #1 or #2 in his “extended olive branch” there can’t be a (#3), which means that I can’t trust him to not repeat this kind of behavior. I also realize that he has a hot temper when he is crossed or disagreed with or when he gets called out on BS.
Lost trust
As the philosopher Nietzsche says “It doesn’t matter to me that you lied, what bothers me is that I now cannot believe you.”
I lost my trust in my now-ex friend that day when he broke his word, and then projected on to me the problem, then called me a liar.
At the time that happened, my boundaries with people who were “close to me” were still pretty shaky, but I was getting my “training wheels off” with boundaries and I made this one quickly and firmly and have not wavered one whit from that day.
I actually started to write a reply to him, because he isn’t a psychopath, and I thought maybe, just maybe, he would see the error of his ways. But I got to thinking about what I would write and realized I didn’t even care enough to tell him what a jerk he is.
The best part though, is I don’t even feel guilty about not replying, and I don’t wonder if I should have taken his proffered “olive branch” (sans apology).
LoveLost and Strongawoman,
My ex lies to himself also and “rewrites” the past in addition to overriding the present. He too considers himself an “honest” man……a man of integrity.
I suspect some of it is due to his childhood where he would get whipped with a belt regardless of what he did or didn’t do. Although it appears to possibly be a pity play, I was married to him for 30 years and there is no doubt in my mind that my former MIL behaved in that manner. Everything angers that woman and she envies beyond compare.
He learned to fabricate his world at a very young age, as did his siblings. They all lie and I’ve come to believe that telling the truth is as difficult for them as it is for me to tell a lie. An altered reality was required to survive in their childhood home. But I regress, feeling sorry for the ex again……..just cannot understand how a parent could do that to their own children however I know it happens all the time.
There was never a need to lie in my household. My siblings and I were always treated with respect. I thought that’s just the way the world worked. It’s taken decades to realize how very wrong that assumption was and I continue to struggle with it.
~New
Yes New. I can identify.
He showed me a place he would go to to escape and dream of what his life would be like when he had escaped his mother. I think it was Dupey who recently stated they hate their mothers. Not sure if that’s why he feels compelled to lie. He certainly feels he’s owed something
Hey Oxdrover,
Looks like you’re doing very well. Bright blessings into the new year!
Elizabeth
Dear Elizabeth Conley,
Yea, I guess I’ve found a “home” here….going on 5 years now, but still learning new things every day, believe it or not! I “came out of the closet” a few months back and started writing under my own name.
Hope all is well with you and your family as well! Bright blessings to you as well! 2012 is gonna be a great year!
Adelle2011 says:
****”But I got to thinking about what I would write and realized I didn’t even care enough to tell him what a jerk he is.”
Is that a great feeling or what? Realizing you just don’t care; not even to send the jerk a note! I love it!
Remember the Hallmark slogan that said “When you care enough to send the very best”
How about when you just don’t give a $#!%”what do you send then? Nothing”and it feels great!
———————————————————–
Yes, it certainly does. Immensely good.
Like I have myself back and screw the dumb stuff. Right?
Right. When you just don’t care anymore….yep.
And with the stalking, etc. – the water is only missed when the well runs dry. 🙂
Strongawoman, mine hates his mother also. Many years ago he told me one of the reasons he married me was because I was the exact opposite of his mother. When I pulled a little loose thread and 30 years of lies unraveled, he started claiming I was exactly like his mother. Of course at that point I was REALLY angry with him for leading a double life. He’s a sex addict who hates women. Every woman becomes his “mother” eventually…..at least in his mind.
strongawoman and new beginning
can’t make the upbringing excuse for mine – he didn’t have to create worlds as he grew up. He lies to get what he wants and to justify his actions then to cope with the guilt he has to believe his lies. Very sad
LoveLost,
It does appear the genetic link has the strongest impact in psychopathy. Oxy’s sons are a good example. Same parents and environment yet a totally different outcome.
There are interesting books out there that scientifically explore the brain structure of psychopaths. Oxy touched upon this a short time ago as it is also mentioned in Dr. Robert Hares book “Without a Conscience”.
In the book Incognito, the Secret Lives of the Brain there is a lot of info about the two hemispheres of the brain not having many connections between them in psychopaths as well as a frontal lobe that does not function the same as it does for the majority of the population. It made me wonder if it is responsible in part for my ex’s two different personalities……and lies to himself to justify his actions.
It is all very sad….and scary too.
~New
Newbeginning and Lovelost, I can trace the lines of psychopaths on both sides of my family, and on at least one side of my children’s father…On my side, because I know the family history quiet a ways back, I can find evidence of psychopathic, alcoholic and abusive behavior going back to at least 1800, but on my husband’s family I only know his parents, and a few stories about his grandparents, but didn’t really know much about his family outside of his nuclear family of parents and his one sib. The father is definitely a power freak and I think very abusive and controlling. My husband was not a psychopath I don’t think, but he was a dupe of his father and was suffering from some very specific mental illnesses that I saw evidence of but didn’t know what it was at the time I was married to him, only years later, looking back at the symptoms I saw so clearly and after education in psychology and experience working in mental health medicine, then I realized what I saw was VERY significant.
WIth my own psychopathic son Patrick, I kept up this MALIGNANT HOPE that I could help him, that he wanted to change, but I would not believe what was in front of my eyes, I wouldn’t believe what I SAW I was in total denial. It was too painful for me to accept the truth of what I saw.
Denial is a helpful technique in some circumstances but when it CONTINUES for a long time it keeps us from TAKING ACTION when we need to take action. We must let go of denial and accept the TRUTH before we can ACT to take care of ourselves.
New beginning and Love lost,
I’m with Oxy on the disordered family list. If I told you what my grandmother did to her youngest son, you simply would not believe me. Despite the incredible antics of my ex-spath, my grandmother actually takes the cake.
My family is incredibly sinister in their spathiness – you can’t tell what they are because they hide it under a facade of goodness and holiness. It’s possible that even THEY can’t tell what they are because they hide it from themselves! (I’m not sure, that’s a theory that might apply to some of them but not others)
These people don’t break the law EVER. They feed on power and control over their family members. And the family members – even the other spaths – can’t tell what’s happening.
I think each spath in my family believes that they are the only one with machievellian capacity and they don’t realize that the others are all manipulating them BACK.
I’m not sure. It’s very confusing. they are so sick, I just stay away and when I can’t, it’s GREY ROCK ALL THE WAY!
Edit:
actually, my spath brother does break the law. It makes me think of him as a failed spath because he couldn’t hide what he is – despite his high IQ. A successful spath is never discovered, the mask is maintained at all times.