By Joyce Alexander, RNP (retired)
I get most of my mail at a PO box and only a few things come to my rural mailbox, which sits on the road at the end of my driveway. A few days ago I checked the mailbox, and there were several Christmas cards ”¦ including one from an EX-friend.
We had reconnected a few years ago. He was an old college chum, a guy that I had palled around with when I was in my first couple of years of nursing school. He is also a nurse, now retired. We had a lot of the same interests then and still do, so since he had recently moved to this area, we started going places together and just being pals again. This was really kind of fun to have a “running buddy” to go to auctions with. My son D had also known my buddy’s sons at scout camp, so it was a “family friendship” as well.
After a couple of years of this, he began to act kind of snarky and did some things that were frankly dishonest and stupid. One of the things he did was to break a small agreement we had made, nothing “serious” as far as money was concerned, just $56, but he just didn’t do what he said he’d do and it greatly inconvenienced me. I decided it was serious enough of an inconvenience that I would try to talk to him. We sat down in my dining room and I brought up how he had backed out on the small agreement we had made and that I didn’t appreciate it. He became absolutely livid, called me a liar, accused me of trying to cheat him, etc., so in the very middle of his rant, I told him “Get out of my house right now!”
Since that day I had actually seen him only a couple of times in various stores. This year at Thanksgiving he showed up at one of our living history events ”¦ and I just ignored his presence and kept going. He also saw me and realized that I had ignored him.
My son and I had seen his son a couple of times, as he buses tables at a restaurant we eat at once in a while and both of us had been very friendly to the boy and cordial. Neither of us hold any grudge against the boy for his father being a jerk.
“Cooling off”
So there was a Christmas card from my ex-friend in the mailbox, and inside was a note from him saying that the “cooling off period” between us had gone on for far too long and he wanted to be friends again. I laughed when I read it.
This man is not a psychopath, he is just a jerk without a great deal of understanding of social discourse. He isn’t going to burn my house, or murder me, or anything else. But he took the holiday as an appropriate time in his mind to try to “mend fences” —without the proper tools.
Why would I laugh? Well he obviously thinks that “bad behavior + time = pretending it didn’t happen and everything’s lovely.”
Well, it may be true that “tragedy + time = humor,” but it does not mean we “pretend it never happened.” Time passing does not mean that no recognition of bad acts and no apology + time means “all is well.”
I don’t hate this man, I’m not still angry at him. I have “forgiven” him, in that I do not harbor bitterness toward him, but I don’t want to associate with him, to go places with him, or have him over at my house, because I have LOST TRUST in him. While I can “forgive” him, without TRUST, there just isn’t any need for association, because being around people I don’t trust isn’t something that makes me happy.
Being a stickler
Why am I being such a stickler? It wasn’t a big deal, really. I mean, come on, it was only $56, and he just lost his temper and called you nasty names. You’re a big person, Joyce, can’t you take the “high road” and just get over it? Now that a couple of years have gone by, shouldn’t we just cool off and be friends again?
The answer is NO! I don’t want to be friends with this man, now or ever, even though he is not a psychopath, he is not dangerous, and overall most people would say he’s a pretty good guy. However, he flunked the “Ox Drover friendship test,” which consists of an apology. His apology should have had three parts:
- acknowledging that what he did in breaking the agreement was wrong,
- that he was sorry he acted like he did, that he had no right to call me ugly names, and
- that he would never act like that again.
However, because he shows no recognition that what he did was wrong, there is no (#1) He shows no remorse for what he did so there is no (#2). He is only extending his “olive branch” to me to “pretend it never happened.” And of course because there is no #1 or #2 in his “extended olive branch” there can’t be a (#3), which means that I can’t trust him to not repeat this kind of behavior. I also realize that he has a hot temper when he is crossed or disagreed with or when he gets called out on BS.
Lost trust
As the philosopher Nietzsche says “It doesn’t matter to me that you lied, what bothers me is that I now cannot believe you.”
I lost my trust in my now-ex friend that day when he broke his word, and then projected on to me the problem, then called me a liar.
At the time that happened, my boundaries with people who were “close to me” were still pretty shaky, but I was getting my “training wheels off” with boundaries and I made this one quickly and firmly and have not wavered one whit from that day.
I actually started to write a reply to him, because he isn’t a psychopath, and I thought maybe, just maybe, he would see the error of his ways. But I got to thinking about what I would write and realized I didn’t even care enough to tell him what a jerk he is.
The best part though, is I don’t even feel guilty about not replying, and I don’t wonder if I should have taken his proffered “olive branch” (sans apology).
Athena,
The only conclusion I’ve been able to reach is that for 30 years I saw what I expected to see from someone who “loved” me……and didn’t see what I didn’t expect to see.
~New
New,
You are so insightful. What is this thing, this affliction that we do not see? I am guilty of looking the other way I think. I cannot keep punishing myself, however. This is a place of self forgiveness, yes!
Athena, there is none so blind than those who do not see. I don’t know who said that but I like the saying. Don’t be too hard on yourself. It’s bad. Guilt is bad for you. Destructive. You don’t need me to tell you that I’m sure…..I have read your posts and you come across as a warm and intelligent woman. Have you thought of changing your number? Sorry if I am too personal. We each of us have to find our own way of dealing with the fall out from our experience so …..
I think, change your number. Stop him intruding. At least at the first hurdle. Mine has contacted me via email but I’m just not quite so accessible anymore and it feels good.
All the best to you
Athena,
If your ex is anything like mine, he will say ANYTHING to convince himself that he is IN control. Translation: he will do/say anything to make you feel discarded.
My ex delivered numerous belongings of mine he’d been holding hostage for a couple of years…..he chose Christmas Day to do this, probably to commemorate when he abandoned me part way through Christmas Day 2009. To top it off, he left a wrapped gift for me. It was a lotus flower tealight candle holder. He said it was a symbol of peace. I had two problems with this:
1) It’s his current girlfriend who is crazy about lotus flowers…..she even has “lotus” as part of her email address.
2) In the Buddhist culture, the lotus flower often symbolizes faithfulness. Yes, it is a sick joke on his part.
Conclusion? Another attempt to make himself feel superior to me. Just to let me know it is HE who discarded ME…..but only after I told him I was aware of his double life.
It scares me that I went to sleep beside this man every night for 30 years.
Strongawoman, I believe the “affliction” is true love we felt for the P. Unfortunately we all assumed it was a two way street.
Ox,
I absolutely adore the truth that seems to pour so beautifully out of your spirit. I am so thankful for you. I’ve been on here for about a year now and I always look for what you have to say because it always resonates so profoundly within my being.
I had a question. I’m still working with boundary issues. I had a friend, who when I needed a place to stay for me and my children, let me stay with her and her family. It was a tight fit, but I appreciated the sacrifice that they made. I noticed that rather than provide uplifting advice in a time of need, she preferred to be a “realist” and tell me everything that I was up against. All negativity. Constantly. When I wanted to consider the fruit on the highest tree, she would say that I was trying to be “fancy” for thinking beyond what she thought I could accomplish. I’d listen patiently, until one day I realized that she reminded me of how critical my mother had been and I began to react how I did with my mother, trying to “win” her over. I decided to stop telling her of my plans and I think that upset her, but I had to protect myself. I have since moved and I know I can’t have that type of influence in my life any more, but I feel guilty because of the sacrifice her and her family did for me and mine. Just need some help clarifying the boundary situation. While living with her I realized that I could and would never hang out with someone like that. Very isolated, distrustful. It was all about her, her husband, their two children to the exclusion of all others, except on certain occasions. It was really quite strange to me.
Dear Solikeoverhim,
Thank you for those kind words, I’m glad I’ve been able to help you.
That kind of person is what I would call an “enabler” in the disguise of someone who is being “kind and helpful”—they HELP, but there is a PRICE TO PAY (for you) and that price is that you must make them feel SUPERIOR to you, and that you must listen to and TAKE their advice or they will become angry with you.
By telling you this or that, being a “realist” as you said she called herself, she was able to feel very superior to you….after all you didn’t have a place to stay and she was being such a kind and helpful friend…and all you had to “pay” to make her feel superior.
Enablers may indeed “help” someone but they do it at a price. My egg donor kept asking me if I needed money…I kept saying “no, thank you, I’m fine” because she would have given me money as a DOWN PAYMENT ON CONTROL, but not as a free, no strings attached gift….your friend “helped” you, but there were STRINGS attached. You don’t need that woman as a friend, because she is NOT a true friend who offered you a sanctuary out of the goodness of her heart as a GIFT…if that makes any sense. You still got the help you needed, and you should feel grateful for that, but that does not mean that you have to let this woman control you or DICTATE to you.
There is a fine line, really between helping and enabling….and I’m learning to walk that line, both as a giver and as a taker.
I truly appreciate the good things that my friends do for me, but whatever they do, it does not give them the right or privilege of controlling me. I try to be helpful when I can to others, but if I offer advice or help and the person does not take it, IT DOES NOT GIVE ME A RIGHT TO GET MY NOSE OUT OF JOINT because they didn’t appreciate it, or do what I thought they ought to do. EACH OF US MAKES OUR OWN DECISIONS….and each of us gets the consequences for those decisions.
The basic bottom line is, if I don’t like the way you (that’s the Universal “You”) treat me, talk to me, etc. then if we can’t discuss it and come to a reasonable agreement about how we will treat each other, then It is BYE, BYE, so long, I don’t want you for my friend. It doesn’t even mean that the person in question is a psychopath….there are lots of people who are NOT psychopaths that I just don’t like to be around them. And the thing is, I am NOT forced to be around them.
Thank you so much!! And I was thinking in the grander scheme of things, it was actually God through her that helped me. I am grateful for what God has allowed them to do for me, but yes I do feel that for them, it was done in hopes of getting something in return. I do believe it was probably a form of emotional blackmail. I do recall her mentioning that her husband said that maybe now (because they helped me) if she needed help in the future, someone would help them. Yeah, I don’t think she was a psychopath, but I couldn’t figure her husband out. He gave me the creeps. It was all in his eyes. He never did anything that I could point at, but there was something, I just couldn’t grasp. The apartment had this oppressive feel to it. We would leave for hours just to feel free and clear. They lived in isolation. I’m so glad to be out of there. But I guess I didn’t want God to think I was ungrateful by pointing out the truth of what I saw and experienced. It wasn’t right, I was treated poorly. And I guess I felt that if I didn’t help her then I would be just like those people she used to complain about. Now that I’m writing it, I am realizing that what she spoke about others was based on her warped perceptions and not actual facts. It like a sick song and dance. I’m now bowing out. Thanks so much for your words of support.
I just read your piece on Appeasement!! Sounds exactly like me. I recognized it, while I was doing it!
WARNING!!! VIRUS ALERT!!
The link above at 10:27pm on 1/7/2012 has an embedded high threat level virus.
Solikeoverhim,
Yea, you can’t appease them for sure….the more you do, the more they require you to do….glad you enjoyed it. I usually recognize something AFTER I have done it…not while or before I do it. DUH??? Oh, well, if we get it even after the fact, it is a good thing.