Most of the time we spend with sociopaths is spent in confusion. They tell us that they love us, while they cheat on us and take our money. They tell us that everything will be wonderful while our lives are falling apart. They tell us they’re sorry and will never do it again, yet they do it again, and again, and again.
We ask ourselves—what in the world is going on here?
They explain it all away. The explanation seems to make sense. But something still isn’t right, and they still don’t stop the behavior that makes us believe we are losing our minds.
There must be a reason. We wonder if they’re depressed, or bipolar, or they have low self-esteem. We’ve been told that they were abused as children. They overindulge in alcohol or drugs, and we’re sure that if they can only overcome their addiction, they’ll change.
It never happens.
We can’t figure it out.
The words that fit the behavior
Then someone says, “It sounds like he (or she) is a sociopath.” Or maybe they even use the word “psychopath.”
Sociopath! They’re the guys on The Sopranos.
Psychopath! They’re all serial killers.
But something tells us to do more research, so we go online. We buy a book. And there they are, the people who are driving us insane, perfectly described in the symptoms of a sociopath.
At Lovefraud, we hear it all the time:
“He’s got every symptom on the list!” “The description fits her to a T!”
Finally, we have a name for that person’s problem. He or she is a sociopath. A psychopath. An antisocial.
Finally, it all makes sense. The lies, the emptiness, the remorselessness, the evil. There is a reason. It is not us. It is a personality disorder.
Naming the disorder makes all the difference. Finally, we begin to understand what we are dealing with. This allows us to begin recovery.
Learn about them in school
Why do we spend so much time in confusion? Because there is no education program about this personality disorder for the general public.
I remember a story from the tsunami that struck Indonesia, Sri Lanka, India and Thailand on December 26, 2004. A vacationing family was on the beach there when the ocean suddenly receded. The little girl of the family had just finished studying tsunamis in school, and learned that the receding ocean meant that a wall of water would soon come crashing into the shore. She told her family, and they escaped to higher ground.
Sociopaths cause personal tsunamis for all of their victims. The sociopaths/ psychopaths/ antisocials of the world cause a huge percentage of all human pain, damage and devastation, yet most of the population does not know they exist. Why? Why don’t we learn about these predators in school? If we did, when we saw the symptoms, we could escape.
Arguing over terminology
Part of the problem with trying to educate people about these predators is that the mental health professionals do not agree on what to call it. First it was moral insanity. Then it was psychopath. Then it was sociopath. Then it was antisocial personality disorder.
The professionals can’t agree on how to define and diagnose the disorder, either. The American Psychiatric Association’s Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fourth Edition (DSM-IV), is supposed to be the bible for clinicians. I find its description of antisocial personality disorder to be vague and difficult to understand.
Dr. Robert Hare’s description of the symptoms of a psychopath—the term he uses—is easier to understand, and the test he developed has been consistently shown to be useful in predicting recidivism among criminals. But Hare’s criteria and evaluation are resisted by many psychiatrists. From what I’ve heard, the basis for much of the disagreement is political.
Mental health profession should come to agreement
I believe this lack of agreement is a travesty, and the professionals are actually contributing to the confusion in which the predators operate. In a way, that makes the mental health professionals complicit in the havoc wreaked by the sociopaths/ psychopaths/ antisocials—whatever we call them.
Lovefraud calls on the professional associations to solve this problem. The American Psychiatric Association, the American Psychological Association, the American Medical Association, the American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry—please, come to an agreement.
Make a decision. Define this disorder. Publicize the symptoms. Let the general public learn what to look out for.
It would help all of us keep the sociopaths/psychopaths/antisocials, the human tsunamis, from upending our lives.
“Lovefraud calls on the professional associations to solve this problem. The American Psychiatric Association, the American Psychological Association, the American Medical Association, the American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry—please, come to an agreement.”
Donna – I WHOLEHEARTEDLY agree!!!
BUT, these ‘freaks of nature’ also keep them in business. As you said “I believe this lack of agreement is a travesty, and the professionals are actually contributing to the confusion in which the predators operate. In a way, that makes the mental health professionals complicit in the havoc wreaked by the sociopaths/ psychopaths/ antisocials—whatever we call them.”
I read an article once re: Narcissistic Personality Disorder that stated Narcissists rarely, if ever seek treatment (makes sense… why should they? They are never wrong (rolling my eyes))… but that mental health professional waiting rooms are literally lined up with VICTIMS of these psychopathic predators – my counselor agrees and says much of her case load is ‘damage control’ due to N/P manipulation tactics. Makes sense to me, especially since that’s exactly what I see her for too.
“Make a decision. Define this disorder. Publicize the symptoms. Let the general public learn what to look out for.” – that is TRULY ideal. Education is the KEY.
Has Lovefraud made an offical request to the associations listed?? If so, please do share any response you may get from any one of them. Keep us informed.
Is there a petition? I would GLADLY sign it, if so.
loux2
When I stumbled upon Hare’s and Stout’s works, the skies cleared, I was bathed in light, and angels were singing. It was a such a redefining moment. I had a name for my pain. I had a name for his game. Poof- I developed my own version of “I’m Ok, you’re Ok,” (I’m Ok, You suck!).
If I hadn’t, I would probably still be heartbreakingly stumbling about wondering what was wrong with ME. When I shared my findings with my therapist (it was only my 2nd visit so it wasn’t like she had no clue and had left me floundering) she agreed that what she had heard so far was the activities of a sociopath. She gave me a gift that day too. She said, “Just remember, he DID this to you. You are a victim, you didn’t deserve this. You will be a survivor, I can see it and hear it in you.”
My learning “what we were dealing with,” helped me help my daughter (ONE of his sexual assault victim’s), helped me deal with when I did have to see him (weekly supervised visitations with our 2 children), and guided me in dealing with legal issues concerning him/the divorce. He didn’t walk away with anything- AND, he is in prison. We won against a sociopath and his enabling and financially manipulative family. Largely because I learned “what I was dealing with.” Throw out normal. Throw out just. No mercy. Ever. (This is not how I live my life- just how I overcame evil.)
There should be a chapter or 2 in Health classes in highschool textbooks. Like Chapter 11 “Does he/she make you feel CRAZY?” and Chapter 12 “Rule of Threes*” Leaving little pamphlets “does he hit you?” in the bathroom at the ob/gyn’s office is “nice” but way too damn late to do us much good.
*Rule of Threes
“When considering a new relationship of any kind, practice the Rule of Threes regarding the claims and promises a person makes, and the responsibilities he or she has. Make the Rule of Three your personal policy. One lie, one broken promise, or a single neglected responsibility may be a misunderstanding. Two may involve a serious mistake. But three lies says you’re dealing with a liar, and deceit is the linchpin of conscienceless behavior. Cut your losses and get out as soon as you can. Leaving, though it may be hard, will be easier now than later, and less costly.
Do not give your money, work, secrets, or affection to a three-timer. Your valuable gifts will be wasted.”
Dr. Martha Stout, PhD Author: The Sociopath Next Door
I wholeheartedly say AMEN!!!!!
There was a day when schizophrenia was considered caused by “bad parents”—now we know it is genetic, and there is a treatment for it. We no longer BLAME and DAMN the parents for causing this disease which causes so much pain and disorder in families.
Back in the days when syphilis was the scourge of sexual diseases, a person who had it was required by law to disclose their contacts or go to jail, so that the possible victims could b counseled and treated if need be.
Typhoid Mary was incarcerated because she would not stop working in restaurants and spreading her scourge to others.
But Politics gets involved now in mental and medical health. People with AIDS who regularly spread it through unprotected sex with unsuspecting victims are not regularly incarcerated or prosecuted for their behavior.
As a medical professional, if I had a patient with AIDS I was PROHIBITED FROM TELLING THEIR MARRIAGE PARTNER without their permission. Ditto Hepatitis B, etc.
When politics gets involved with medical and mental health and being “politically correct” is more important that saving people’s lives and mental and physical health, there is a BIG PROBLEM with this in my opinion.
We (as a culture) still argue over whether to teach sex education and sexually transmitted diseases to kids, how young, the content of the instruction, and what the way to prevent it should be. As a result of our arguing over this, in the meantime kids are “doing it” at younger and younger ages, producing more and more babies at early ages that they are not capable of parenting, spreading diseases for which there is no cure (not only AIDS but others).
While the professionals in many areas “fiddle,” the “Rome” of our culture is burning with preventable misery and lack of knowledge that would be live saving.
Kids who are so disruptive that they turn a classroom into an environment that precludes learning for any one in the class, are “mainstreamed” so that they are not “deprived” of being exposed to “normal” children. One of my former patients, who was deaf, blind, autistic, bit himself until he bled and continually screamed at the top of his lungs, and was totally incontinent of bowel and bladder was “mainstreamed” into a 10th grade classroom (his age level at the time). This child was totally incapable of getting any benefit from such an environment, and his continual screaming disrupted the classes for kids who could have learned there. THIS IS INSANITY!!! But it is “politically correct”—
While I agree with Donna, something needs to be done ASAP for the VICTIMS and potential victims, as long as our “politically correct” environment is the pervasive voice, the INSANITY WILL GO ON.
As a healthcare provider both in medical and psychological venues I was daily frustrated by laws and regulations that kept my hands bound to actually help people. The inconsistencies of the regulations were nightmares for care providers.
For example in a psych unit at a hospital, a combative patient with a wound infection, who would spread this to othrs on the unit was not allowed to be confined to their room, under standard isolation precautions as that same patient would be confined to contact isolation on a surgical unit. On a surgical unit, that patient’s hands could be restrained so that they were not able to hurt staff but not on the psych unit. As a former infection control officer I cringed when the horrific MRSA (staph infection) was spread from patient to patient and patient to staff.
I imagine, Donna, you can see you hit a nerve with me on this essay! So I guess I will get off my soap box at this point and see if I can get my blood pressure back down to within normal limits before I stroke out! LOL Very good point though!
Donna,
Wouldn’t it be great if there was a show on Discovery Health channel instead of the usual juicy story on DateLine? They always tell these stories on DateLine but it never explains anything about how this could possibly happen and it leaves the women looking kinda stupid.
No one learns anything.
FRUSTRATING!!!
I am just happy any time I hear the word “Sociopath” on a movie or in a show. The word needs to get on people’s radar.
There was a LifeTime movie about a Sociopath. I can’t remember if they used the word but it was called, “The Man with Three Wives.” He was a dream husband to all of the women. At the end of the movie, I don’t think the audience would understand why he did all that. He just seemed like a nice guy that had three wives. The signs were there in the movie but he wasn’t abusive in any way that the audience would have understood as abuse.
“I believe this lack of agreement is a travesty, and the professionals are actually contributing to the confusion in which the predators operate. In a way, that makes the mental health professionals complicit in the havoc wreaked by the sociopaths/ psychopaths/ antisocial-whatever we call them.”
This is the very thing that has, does and always will burn me the most!!!!!
I knew something was wrong with our relationship. Tried over and over again to search for help in the professional (psychology/psychotherapy) field with so little or no help at all from these “trained“? people. In fact one “trained”?? Psychotherapies told my ex in one of our first and only session that he saw nothing wrong with her and “oh, do you have a sister I could date?”.. OMG!!!! I freaked and ended that BS right away but you should have see the smile on my ex PD! She was beaming!!!
Thanks professional psychotherapies, thanks soooo much!
As for me, I am done with these type of people! Please someone tell me were in God’s name are these professional psychotherapies trained??? How do these so called professional psychotherapies get their licenses to practice psychology??? A crackerjack box????
I tried not to judge all psychotherapies that same way, but is does get hard at times.
PS: Thanks for letting me get that off my chest!
Also I too agree that they are contributing to the confusion i.e. disorder.
So many times I have read or been told.
“We can’t help them, but we can treat you”
That is just so sad, So sad indeed but it is the truth!
I went to a counsler for 5 years all the while telling her of the risks he took financilly and how selfish he was, that he put us in bankruptcy lost cars, homes and jobs.
He traveled all the time.
He wouldnt give me information on my investment(you know about that im sure)
It got so bad emotionally i would go to her often to say am I crazy or is he making me crazy. He would come in now and then and she loved him.
He was traveling extensivley and he would never commit when he would be home as he was building a huge company.
She said he is working so hard he just needs you to be his mistress.
I was at that point numb and she knew it. He told me how tired he was I felt bad for him and then I felt bad more for myself and I ran to my faith.
Well he never went to TX he was living another life down the street.
So he WAS DRIVING ME CRAZY….when she found out she said i just didnt see it…WOW
I ended up with a nervous break down…the story didnt get much better.
I guess I got that off my chest now too.
I am currently looking for a new counsler that specializes in Pshychopathy.
My faith has got me my power back and talking to others with like experiences has been the most hopeful as you all know what I am talking about.
Here is wonderful message I read today;
Painful as the present time may be, you will one day see the reason for it. You will see that it was not the only testing, but also a preperation for the life-work which you are to do.
Have faith that your prayers and aspirations will someday be answered. Answered in a way that perhaps seems painful to you but is the only right way. Selfishness and pride often make us want things that are not good for us. They need to be BURNED out of our natures. We must rid of the blocks which are holding us back, before we can expect our prayers to be answered
Prayer of the Day
I pray that I may be willing to go through a time of testing. I pray that I may trust GOD for the outcome.
GOD BLESS
James and Areyoukiddingme,
It is a shame that some professionals do not get it either. There are those that DO GET IT though, and until we find one that does GET IT and literally doesn’t fall under their spell, we need to keep searching.
A good counselor is a gift from GOD! A poor one is just going to make things worse. And as Lily Tomlin would have said, “an that’s the truth! (rasberry)” LOL
I have seen STUPID AND INCOMPETENT: physicians, mechanics, computer programmers, lawyers, nurses, mail men, child care workers, waitresses—you name the profession or job title and there are people in that field that do not know what the heck they are doing! Mental health professionals are the same, there are some wonderful ones and some that are worse than the psychopaths, and there are probably even psychopaths in the profession.
We (mental health professionals) are also victims just like people who are not professionals. No one, no matter how smart or how well trained is IMMUNE from their attacks and their manipulations at least the FIRST TIME…I am a slow learner and so it took me a while to GET IT completely. LOL But I know that there are lots of people who get away from one psychopath only to fall prey to another one. UNTIL you learn the CAUSE of what went wrong, why you failed to SEE what was wrong, you can’t protect yourself.
It would be wonderful if the profession of mental health would come out and LABEL IT AND AGREE, but unfortunately, right now thatn’s not the case, but WE can to some extent help educate others to the ROOT CAUSE of the pain in dysfunctional situations where one person is “high on the psychopathic traits.” My psychiatrist gets it, my counselor gets it, and I know there are others as well.
I agree with you , areyoukidding me, we will find a reason for this lesson, if it is only to protect ourselves from future attacks. I think many of us who are suvivors do grow and learn as a result of the painful experience we have had.
The people like my friend, M, who went from abusive relationship to another abusive relationship over and over and over, and never GOT IT herself, never learned to protect herself, those are the BIG losers. Those are the people I hurt for because they are “lost” in a FOG and doing know that they can escape. There are too many of those men and women in this world for the Ps to prey on.
With the internet, and support and educational groups becoming more accessible to more people, I hope in time this will change and more people will escape the “merrygoround” from Hell. I am grateful that I have gotten off that ride, and the others here whom I have seen tear up their tickets for a life time of misery, for a life time of growth and peace.
What is everyone talking about that mental health professionals should list what these characters are. It was health professionals with Ph.D.s and higher that destroyed my career. Dr.PH, Ph.D.s, M.D.s, R.N.s, all with the knowledge of what and how to stress out a person, all the statistics gathered for them to use against (oh, well, it was me this time). So as they were allowed to torment me in their Kangaroo Court for 6 years, 6 years of pure HECK (I don’t know what I can or can’t write, but you get the message). Gathering statistics for years that was to benefit humanity was used for their own egotistical gratifications. Day after day, year after year I was dragged into trumped up meeting with trumped up charges that never would be resolved because they never happened in the first place. So it was God and Me or is that God and I, staying cool, calm and collected and of course always the “lady”. Drove them all nuts cause I wasn’t an easy “nut to crack”. Finally, finally, taking their time, the bean counters put a stop to all their shennanigans. When the fianancial statistics came back and the beaners saw how much it cost to “get me”, they were told “Bye, Bye”. To this day, all I can thing of is “what took you folks so long to make this decision, I could have saved you millions years ago by focusing on them, not me”.
Peace and don’t expect an answer to your question about why they won’t categorize these characters. Hey, the fox is watching the hen house.
How I wish that there was a way to educate the public about this personality disorder. Like most of you, I only found the answers by searching the net and finding wonderful sites like this that literally saved my sanity.
Many professionals fall very short in this area for a number of reasons. Firstly, it is hard to make a diagnosis because of the almost super human abilities these personalities have at disguising their true nature. Secondly, I’ve noticed that doctors are very reluctant to label people even when it is blindingly obvious eg. I didn’t watch the whole OJ Simpson trial but did anyone call in a psychiatrist and have him assessed? Was it ever suggessted that he was a psychopath? and what that could mean? It’s almost as if doctors are so scared of being sued or being politically correct they are too scared to give an opinion. Thirdly, even with all their training, many doctors have not encountered the horror of a psychopath personally and to be fair I don’t think anyone can imagine what that feels like unless they have experienced it. Lastly, some doctors themselves are Psychopaths!! If they are clever enough, medicine is a wonderful playground for their evil intentions.
Given the global implications that this disorder has ie. how many world leaders are P’s? I do find it amazing that professionals who DO understand this disorder don’t make more of an effort to educate the public. It affects all of us around the world and on a massive scale.
I try to play a small part by telling my story to as many as I can and even if many don’t take it all in, it may just make someone think twice and question a persons motives before they get involved. We can all help spread the word by telling our stories and provide comfort to those just recovering from the nightmare. As I live in SE Asia, I had no possibility of any psychological help but I was able to recover by learning from others on this and the MSN site. The most important thing for me was having my experience validated by others who had been through the same thing. It helped me to understand that I was not crazy – I was a target.
Swallow