Most of the time we spend with sociopaths is spent in confusion. They tell us that they love us, while they cheat on us and take our money. They tell us that everything will be wonderful while our lives are falling apart. They tell us they’re sorry and will never do it again, yet they do it again, and again, and again.
We ask ourselves—what in the world is going on here?
They explain it all away. The explanation seems to make sense. But something still isn’t right, and they still don’t stop the behavior that makes us believe we are losing our minds.
There must be a reason. We wonder if they’re depressed, or bipolar, or they have low self-esteem. We’ve been told that they were abused as children. They overindulge in alcohol or drugs, and we’re sure that if they can only overcome their addiction, they’ll change.
It never happens.
We can’t figure it out.
The words that fit the behavior
Then someone says, “It sounds like he (or she) is a sociopath.” Or maybe they even use the word “psychopath.”
Sociopath! They’re the guys on The Sopranos.
Psychopath! They’re all serial killers.
But something tells us to do more research, so we go online. We buy a book. And there they are, the people who are driving us insane, perfectly described in the symptoms of a sociopath.
At Lovefraud, we hear it all the time:
“He’s got every symptom on the list!” “The description fits her to a T!”
Finally, we have a name for that person’s problem. He or she is a sociopath. A psychopath. An antisocial.
Finally, it all makes sense. The lies, the emptiness, the remorselessness, the evil. There is a reason. It is not us. It is a personality disorder.
Naming the disorder makes all the difference. Finally, we begin to understand what we are dealing with. This allows us to begin recovery.
Learn about them in school
Why do we spend so much time in confusion? Because there is no education program about this personality disorder for the general public.
I remember a story from the tsunami that struck Indonesia, Sri Lanka, India and Thailand on December 26, 2004. A vacationing family was on the beach there when the ocean suddenly receded. The little girl of the family had just finished studying tsunamis in school, and learned that the receding ocean meant that a wall of water would soon come crashing into the shore. She told her family, and they escaped to higher ground.
Sociopaths cause personal tsunamis for all of their victims. The sociopaths/ psychopaths/ antisocials of the world cause a huge percentage of all human pain, damage and devastation, yet most of the population does not know they exist. Why? Why don’t we learn about these predators in school? If we did, when we saw the symptoms, we could escape.
Arguing over terminology
Part of the problem with trying to educate people about these predators is that the mental health professionals do not agree on what to call it. First it was moral insanity. Then it was psychopath. Then it was sociopath. Then it was antisocial personality disorder.
The professionals can’t agree on how to define and diagnose the disorder, either. The American Psychiatric Association’s Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fourth Edition (DSM-IV), is supposed to be the bible for clinicians. I find its description of antisocial personality disorder to be vague and difficult to understand.
Dr. Robert Hare’s description of the symptoms of a psychopath—the term he uses—is easier to understand, and the test he developed has been consistently shown to be useful in predicting recidivism among criminals. But Hare’s criteria and evaluation are resisted by many psychiatrists. From what I’ve heard, the basis for much of the disagreement is political.
Mental health profession should come to agreement
I believe this lack of agreement is a travesty, and the professionals are actually contributing to the confusion in which the predators operate. In a way, that makes the mental health professionals complicit in the havoc wreaked by the sociopaths/ psychopaths/ antisocials—whatever we call them.
Lovefraud calls on the professional associations to solve this problem. The American Psychiatric Association, the American Psychological Association, the American Medical Association, the American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry—please, come to an agreement.
Make a decision. Define this disorder. Publicize the symptoms. Let the general public learn what to look out for.
It would help all of us keep the sociopaths/psychopaths/antisocials, the human tsunamis, from upending our lives.
Dear Indiechick.,
To answer your question:
CAUSE THAT’S JUST THE WAY THEY ARE!
BTW Congratulations on your 11 days of NC!!!! WAy to go woman!!!
If you knew my mother, you would think she is the sweetest nicest lady in the world, EVERYONE but me and my sons think she is an ANGEL, but I am the only one that has SEEN her with the mask off. Even with my sons she keeps it on, but they ahve seen what she did to me, and so they believe me.
Unless the lady you talked to is more than a casual acquaintence with your X-P she probably has NOT seen anything too out of the way with him, and people are so loath to “judge” and so “open minded” that their brains fall out of their skulls. Plus, there is NO WAY that they “get it”—WE know because we have BEEN THERE and experienced the abuse.
The Ps are usually pretty crafty about keeping their masks tightly on except with certain people. My mom’s brother that I call “Uncle Monster” was careful who he did his bullying to. He never bullied me directly to my face, because he knew I would not stand for it. He never brought his bullying to my mother’s home because he knew my step father would NOT allow it, but with his x-wife and kids, he was a MONSTER. With his mother he was a MONSTER. But not with people he knew would stand up to him, and defend themselves. No matter how drunk he was, he always knew who would shoot his butt and who would beg on their knees for him to stop hitting them.
One year his renter had stolen his hay and not paid for it, so I arranged to cut the hay off his meadow and showed up with a crew, tractors and equipment. I had cut the hay a couple of days before. When we showed up, he was drunk and verbally abusive to me, and just would not go inside and shut up, so afgter we had baled eight or ten bales, I told the crew to take those bales to his barn and we drove off, leaving his hay cut in the field, but not baled. He stood there with his mouth hanging open. He thought because he had an audience there that I would not respond back at him, but he was totally suprised at my response. The next day my son C went back to get another tractor that we had left behind because it had a flat, as he was changing the tire Uncle Monster walked up with a couple of his drinking buddies and started to verbally abuse my son C. C took it for quite some time as he worked without responding then when the tire was changed and as He was getting ready to drive off and Uncle monster was screaming obscenties at him and cursing me, he turned and told Uncle Monster, in a quiet calm voice to shut his mouth or he would shut it for him. Though my son is not a tall man he is built like a weight lifter and was perfectly capable of shutting Uncle Monster’s mouth. Uncle monster was quite suprised that my calm, sweet, nice son would stand up for himself. He shut his mouth. When my son came home he was very upset that he had spoken back to Uncle Monster and worried that I would be upset as well I think, and when he told me what had happened. I just patted him on the shoulder and said, “You did the best you could under the circumstances.” Uncle Monster never verbally accousted either of us again.
Dear Indiechick. They have a veneer of respectability with others around them. When I was still ‘vetting’ my exN at the beginning, we would be sitting in a bar and some of his past workmates would walk by and say to me ‘you’ve got a decent bloke there’. Even his own family dont really know ‘who’ he is, they only believe what lies he feeds them. Even at the point, where I saw text messages from him to a married woman, asking when her monthlies were finished, his sister came round and told me that he never cheated on me!
Also, when we are in a romantic relationship with them, their shadow side comes out – people not in a romantic relationship will not see this side of them.
Lib,
The fact that he admits to having problems DOES NOT MEAN HE’S NOT AN S! I have come to realize this. False modesty and the pity ploy are HUGE. Seeking attention is the name of the game and keeping you constantly worried about them and focusing ALL your energy on their needs and NOT yours is the the goal. Being looked at as the “poor me victim”- even victims of themselves is HUGE. Don’t fall for it. My S said he thought he was depressed, maybe Bipolar, maybe had PTSD, etc., etc. Whatever he could use to justify his behavior and get attention as the poor me. I got tired of his crying. Me, a therapist, with seemingly endless empathy. Why? Because they were false tears and I suspected that. EVERY time we had a good time together it would end the next day in tears. EVERY TIME. He couldn’t keep things happy or peaceful because he abhors that. He sucked me dry as the emotional vampire that he is and then criticized my every move and hung onto anything he perceived as a slight.
Over six months later he turned things around saying I was trying to ruin my life and make him kill me. That was a switch from the tears and poor me stories all last year. AND the admission of him purposely sabotaging his life. He didn’t want me around for his “miserable finale”. Barf! Puke! Ugh! So it went from HIM having mental health issues to now me being crazy. Nice but no takers here! He led me to death’s door and would have walked over my dead body if he had succeeded- probably complaining of a hang nail or something no doubt. It was ALL about him. I didn’t exist! If I had a cut on my finger, he had a gash on his thumb. It was ALL a game for attention.
Don’t forget that Psychopathy is on a continuum and everyone is different. I have yet to have any two clients be exactly the same. Everyone is unique. But if he’s fit all the symptoms on Hare’s checklist and you see two sides to him (Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde) then you run the other way and don’t look back. He will not change. My ex said he went to the therapist I recommended but couldn’t trust her to stay in treatment. No shockers there. But I didn’t realize his depression was just secondary to a much LARGER problem. They DON’T change. Being who they are is ego-syntonic. It’s ingrained in them. Part of their personality. Better to let go and grieve what will not be and take care of yourself. Don’t get fooled into thinking he’s sincere. They are master manipulators and expert liars. You NEVER know what’s true. Don’t put yourself through the misery any longer.
Please take care of yourself and know that you deserve so much more. You deserve someone capable of loving and caring for YOU. You can be the fore-runner for that by loving yourself enough to walk away from him. That’s the first step in taking yourself back!
OxDrover,
I was truly shocked that I didn’t know that much about sociopathy when all this happened to me. I was clueless. But there is NOTHING to be humiliated about just because we’re in the mental health field. Anyone can be fooled and we’re not immune to that. First of all therapists are the #1 targets of sociopaths because we’re so empathetic. #2 Ss/Ns often choose targets who are charismatic, intelligent, attractive and full of light- everything they naturally aren’t. I have laughed a lot at #2 as it is such a compliment :). Although they make us feel as if we’re the one’s with the problem, we ARE what they want to be!!!
The bottom line is that darkness wants to put out light. If you have a lot of light- they want it. They want to use that light as a reflection of them. Only in the process they suck us dry. There is a jealousy component of the S as they cannot EVER be what we are. There is a lot of rage because of that. But it is not OUR fault and we are not here to be used. I have realized how often I have been used by others aside from my ex. No more! No more! No more! What we have are precious gifts that must be protected. Love, honesty, integrity, guineness, trust, empathy, selfless giving….all these things are beautiful treasures. We cant let the Ss of this world take them from us. We don’t need to hide those qualities either, we just need to learn how to guard them as the treasures they are. We were hurt by others because we are GREAT PEOPLE. I have learned that I need to start treating myself better and loving myself more. I need to stand up for myself without feeling guilty or worrying about hurting someone’s feelings. I know my heart and God knows my heart. That’s all that matters.
The most redeeming truth of all is tat I will NEVER be like my ex. And sadly he will NEVER be like me. That is why I have made sure he knows that I am aware of who and what he is. There is no coming back when things don’t work out along the way for him. There is no revolving door here. It is shut, locked and boarded up. NO MORE!
Phew! I feel better now…thanks 🙂
Wow, good thing no one’s grading for spelling! I also wanted to add to Lib and everyone else….my S told me that the hardest part would be forgiving myself. Before I even realized that he was an S I told him that I was reading The Sociopath Next Door. I had yet to finish the book. Martha Stout writes about how women have trouble forgiving themselves because once removed from the S they start to see that the signs were there from the beginning.
You know, my ex didn’t realize I can take a lot of egg in the face. I have always loved that I am perfectly imperfect and I stated that to him many times. I was conned plain and simple. Why should I forgive myself? I’m not the one who lied and manipulated and used gaslighting and other tools of the S trade. I was victimized. Why blame myself? Once I realized who and what I was dealing with God took that guilt away and I have NEVER had to forgive myself for being who I am. I am what he’s NOT. What he will NEVER be. I am thankful for who I am. That only difficulty I have had with forgiveness is forgiving him…not me. I still shake my head when I think about how arrogant he was to tell me that. That’s the N part of the S. Pathetic!
Dear takingmeback,
I am really glad that you are here and posting. I’m over the humiliation now of “being on the wrong side of the clip board” and you know nurses and doctors make horrible patients for their medical physicians, and mental health professionals make poor patients for their therapists. I have quit trying to be my own therapist and psychiatrist, though I do work with them, but I let them “give the orders.”
I went for Rapid Eye Movement Therapy for my PTSD from my husband’s plane crash and death here at our airport, I was first on the scene and there is no doubt that I had all the classic PTSD symptoms. Oddly enough, the REMT actually helped other traumas as well though we focused only on the plane crash and the emotions tied to that. I’m still not sure how it works (if anyone is) but for me it did work and that is all I am conccerned with–I don’t care if it is a placebo effect, as long as it worked it is fine with me!
I’ve learned so much about myself in going through the process of healing the wounds of both the trauma of losing my husband, the trauma of losing all my Ps, and finding me again. I guess I shouldn’t even say “again” but finding me. I’m not sure I ever found myself before and then “lost” myself. I think in many ways this horrible ordeal has come out on the positive side for me, though it is like child birth while you are going through it it doesn’t seem very positive, it just HURTS. LOL
I have never felt guilty about being abused except for the fact that even though I realized what was going on, I didn’t set the boundaries in a reasonable manner, I ALLOWED it to continue for so long even though logically I KNEW the score. But that part is gone now too,I no longer beat myself up or feel guilt about that, I just recognize that I did play a role in this, BUT and the BIG BUT is that NO ONE has a right to treat anyone else like they treated me, and I did not deserve that treatment from them.
I am just ever so grateful to God that this is the worst of the abuse that I have ever had to suffer. I’ve never been hungry, I’m never been without clean water and clothing, or shelter. I’ve never been totally alone in this world without a single person that did love me, so I have so many blessings that many people of this earth do not have. I’m also NOT a psychopath and for that I thank God doubly! I’d rather be the victim any day than to be one of them.
Takingmeback,
Bravo, woman! You sound so fierce and determined. I love that!
Yes! The “humanoids” want that which they can never have. That which we, the good loving wonderful peeps, have in abundance. I also consider it a compliment that they’re attracted to my vibrancy, my intellect, my looks, my righteous Holy Spirit driven soul.
And there is no way in hell I would freely give up my own wonderful, admirable qualities, inherent character traits, AND hard earned wisdom from countless expreriences, positive and negative to some sicko soul sucking vampire. They are MY gifts, MY qualities lovingly bequeathed to me by our Holy Father. I OWN them, as you do and all the incredibly strong and fantastic Lovefraud folks.
I am elated that you are here with us, today, to share your frightening, nightmare exprerience with a stupid psycho and to rise up in triumph, to overcome such horrendous tyranny, the cruelest of the cruel manipulation and deceit.
You exist, takeingmeback. You are an immensely valuable and important HUMAN BEING! We are all connected to each other, whether in celebration of goodness or suffering from evil inflicted on us undeserving folks. But I absolutely believe that good always wins over evil. We are all proof positive of this unalterable reality. That we are the brave, the strong, the compassionate, the generous, the loving and we will ALWAYS prevail where the creatures of doom will fail…and fail again…and again…until they are withered, miserable, nihilistic, soulless freaks left out in the frigid darkness, alone forever staring at us as we are living joyously in the blinding light of goodness.
CONGRATULATIONS!! Bird on this happy, joyous day for giving birth to the baby bird!!
I was wondering where you were last week and was going to send you a shout out for you to keep us in the loop on your condition, but I was in the process of moving to my shiny, new place and lost internet access for a whole week! Isn’t that just shocking?!
We all discuss the aflicted addiction to psychos and the intolerable mess they create in the aftermath, but I must confess that my addiction to the interwebby is much more serious and I have been having me some serious withdrawal symptoms by not being able to blog on LoveFraud.
I missed you all so very much in just 5 silly days!
Great. Does this mean I now have attachment issues with LoveFraud peeps?….haha. Oh well, I could think of a bazillion worse things to be attached to besides you wonderful, beautiful folks.
***BIG CYBER HUG***
Jeepers JSmith – your return is like a breath of fresh air and your witty post made me laugh. (((hugs)))
BEV!! I missed you too, you lovely gal.
How are you, sweets? I’ve been thinking about you quite a bit, wondering how you were regarding your cancer treatment.
Believe it or not, that second sentence was somewhat difficult to for me to write because 1) it seems plain nosy 2) I don’t want to seem insincere in my concern for your health and welfare. I am genuinely concerned for you and every single person on this website.
You’re not just words on a page to me, but living, breathing, caring, loving brilliant women & men, and I consider it a tremendous honor that you all allow me the chance to understand and care deeply for you by reading/sharing your experiences with psychos. And the preceeding most awesome mental, physical, and spiritual healing and recovery.
Let me say it again….I CARE SO MUCH FOR YOU FOLKS!! 🙂