Most of the time we spend with sociopaths is spent in confusion. They tell us that they love us, while they cheat on us and take our money. They tell us that everything will be wonderful while our lives are falling apart. They tell us they’re sorry and will never do it again, yet they do it again, and again, and again.
We ask ourselves—what in the world is going on here?
They explain it all away. The explanation seems to make sense. But something still isn’t right, and they still don’t stop the behavior that makes us believe we are losing our minds.
There must be a reason. We wonder if they’re depressed, or bipolar, or they have low self-esteem. We’ve been told that they were abused as children. They overindulge in alcohol or drugs, and we’re sure that if they can only overcome their addiction, they’ll change.
It never happens.
We can’t figure it out.
The words that fit the behavior
Then someone says, “It sounds like he (or she) is a sociopath.” Or maybe they even use the word “psychopath.”
Sociopath! They’re the guys on The Sopranos.
Psychopath! They’re all serial killers.
But something tells us to do more research, so we go online. We buy a book. And there they are, the people who are driving us insane, perfectly described in the symptoms of a sociopath.
At Lovefraud, we hear it all the time:
“He’s got every symptom on the list!” “The description fits her to a T!”
Finally, we have a name for that person’s problem. He or she is a sociopath. A psychopath. An antisocial.
Finally, it all makes sense. The lies, the emptiness, the remorselessness, the evil. There is a reason. It is not us. It is a personality disorder.
Naming the disorder makes all the difference. Finally, we begin to understand what we are dealing with. This allows us to begin recovery.
Learn about them in school
Why do we spend so much time in confusion? Because there is no education program about this personality disorder for the general public.
I remember a story from the tsunami that struck Indonesia, Sri Lanka, India and Thailand on December 26, 2004. A vacationing family was on the beach there when the ocean suddenly receded. The little girl of the family had just finished studying tsunamis in school, and learned that the receding ocean meant that a wall of water would soon come crashing into the shore. She told her family, and they escaped to higher ground.
Sociopaths cause personal tsunamis for all of their victims. The sociopaths/ psychopaths/ antisocials of the world cause a huge percentage of all human pain, damage and devastation, yet most of the population does not know they exist. Why? Why don’t we learn about these predators in school? If we did, when we saw the symptoms, we could escape.
Arguing over terminology
Part of the problem with trying to educate people about these predators is that the mental health professionals do not agree on what to call it. First it was moral insanity. Then it was psychopath. Then it was sociopath. Then it was antisocial personality disorder.
The professionals can’t agree on how to define and diagnose the disorder, either. The American Psychiatric Association’s Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fourth Edition (DSM-IV), is supposed to be the bible for clinicians. I find its description of antisocial personality disorder to be vague and difficult to understand.
Dr. Robert Hare’s description of the symptoms of a psychopath—the term he uses—is easier to understand, and the test he developed has been consistently shown to be useful in predicting recidivism among criminals. But Hare’s criteria and evaluation are resisted by many psychiatrists. From what I’ve heard, the basis for much of the disagreement is political.
Mental health profession should come to agreement
I believe this lack of agreement is a travesty, and the professionals are actually contributing to the confusion in which the predators operate. In a way, that makes the mental health professionals complicit in the havoc wreaked by the sociopaths/ psychopaths/ antisocials—whatever we call them.
Lovefraud calls on the professional associations to solve this problem. The American Psychiatric Association, the American Psychological Association, the American Medical Association, the American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry—please, come to an agreement.
Make a decision. Define this disorder. Publicize the symptoms. Let the general public learn what to look out for.
It would help all of us keep the sociopaths/psychopaths/antisocials, the human tsunamis, from upending our lives.
Wini, with your sister, just take the time to listen to her perspective. In my experience, siblings can have a totatally different expeience of the family from one another. Even a few years gap, can mirror a different experience of the parents and where they were at in their lives. I learnt that, when my brother talked about my mother and I said, I have a totally different perspective on things, because I am a human with a different dimension. learn her dimension and she will read your compassion. Love.
Wini, In your own words, have patience with the spiritually stunted, understand them, get into and understand their world. Peace
Beverly: No, I’ve never dreamed of my tombstone because I’m going to be cremated. That being said, I used to have vivid dreams of playing chess in the bottom of a mausoleum … sitting at a marble table … while moving the chess pieces … a long bony finger coming out from a long dark robe, my opponent in the game, would move the chess pieces on his side of the board. I always woke up during this dream. Never came to a conclusion one way or the other about this dream … just had it. I used to be psychic when I was a kid. Always dreamed things that would come true. It was freaking me out … then in the late 70’s I prayed to God that I would stop having these visions … that was after I saw the car accident that my sister was in a few nights before it actually happened. I see death on people’s faces too … a few days before they actually pass. I’ve witnessed miracles that physically shouldn’t/could not possibly happen … but they did. I was in a group of one of my professors for psychic abilities back in the 70’s. At the start of her research she got side tracked with her divorce … so we (her students) got put on the back burner. I have gut feelings in my stomach for any situation I come in contact with … good feelings for spiritual situations … nausea type (knots in my stomach) feelings when situations are not good. Of course, only when I’m focused and paying attention. When I’m not paying attention … I don’t know if these psychic abilities are working … because I”M NOT PAYING ATTENTION.
Peace.
Beverly: I do with everyone except for my own sister. It’s because I want her to understand this so badly, that sometimes I loose it with my mouth running over with her. And any time you open your mouth … words pierce the heart of who you are in a conversation with. Positive words pierce a person’s heart with God’s virtues and you know what negative words pierce a person’s heart with.
Most of the time I have patience with her and other times I throw the towel in. If she is in to whatever we are doing through our life … her creativity shines brightly … then there’s time’s her ego is in control and we butt heads. It’s this love/hate thing going on with siblings. We’ve had many years not talking with each other … then we just start talking with each other again … that goes on for x amount of years … then we stay away from each other … and that last for x amount of years …. then back and forth, back and forth. Hey, we can’t stay away from each other – we’re blood. Plus, I do love her and do appreciate her gifts from God. I just wished she’d pick up the Bible for once in her life. Just once. I’m not asking for a miracle here … just pick it up. Peek inside. Read one scripture. God will do the rest.
Peace.
Wini, sweetheart. I had years of not knowing my blood brother my mother kept us apart, she manipulatied it so we would be apart. Now she is dead, my brother contacted me out of the blue and we are connecting on a different basis. Miracles happen.
Wini, People in our family always the most testing. I am not so familiar with the Bible, but isnt it love your brother like yourself. Isnt that about breaking down the barriers between us to find common ground.
Beverly and Oxy:
WE all have experiences in our immediate family and extended friends and community. It’s how our minds process the experiences. Are we coming from a humble mindset or are we coming from our ego mindset? God tells us to stay humble and he will give us life. Once we step off his path is when the ego is viewing the world and all minds come into play on this path. I think the righteous religious people should be in the fore front of leading our world. Enough is enough with this split from Church and State. The Church needs to take control again because our world and all the egos are getting too crazy out there. For what? Nonsense. All superficial ego nonsense. I think at this writing it should be mandatory that all prisoners incarcerated throughout the world get handed Tolle’s book and the Bible and have mental health counselor’s guiding them gently through learning how to go into the “now”, breathing exercises, learning how to become humble again. They should also have Tolle’s detailed explanations playing in the background of these prisons so prisoners will eventually have his wisdom instilled into them as a repeatative mantra.
The rest of us can take of ourselves learning this because we are not putting up resistance to the teachings of God.
The egos are “hard wired – Oxy’s phrase” believing and trusting their egos and have to be incarcerated and spoon feed these lessons. Enough is enough already. We need to get on board with all this stuff and stop it in it’s tracks because the system as it exists right now IS NOT WORKING.
Tolle and the Bible should be mandatory teachings in our school system along with martial arts and other wisdom that exists in the world. Our teachers today have been and still are frustrated over being baby sitters today instead of being allowed to teach. They’re thrown into their classrooms every day having to play the part of police officers of keeping the peace due to students acting out through their egos. Then these students get pushed through the system and they end up in the workplace and play all their games from their egos perspective instead of allowing co-workers to just do their jobs. Over the years … the egos climbed the corporate ladders and allow the chaos to flourish so that no one looks at them. It’s ridiculous and all of us have to pay for these paychecks to the egos that do nothing but cause the pain and heartache in the world.
Peace. I’m breathing now.
However you feel closed in your head – leave a door open in your heart – allow the divine to guide and heal. Love
The US Constitution guarantees that there will be no State supported religion or church, and I think that is as it should be. Not everyone in the US is a Christian, or agrees that the Bible is the word of God. To try to “force” everyone to adhere to ONE religion, or ONE interpretation of any religion, with sanctions and punishment for those that “don’t agree” is one of the things that led to the American Revolution so that people would be allowed to believe what they wanted to believe.
One of the reasons my ancestors came to this shore was because the British Crown literally hung, drew and quartered, or burned them at the stake for their religious views differing from the “official” religion. More people have been killed in the “name of God” through the ages than probably all the other wars in history.
I have studied and read the precepts of many different religious beliefs, and almost all of them have the same “moral compass” within them that points people to a better behavior and a better and kinder philosophy of life. Do good unto others, avoid evil behavior in yourself. There seems to be something within mankind that almost “needs” a higher power of some kind, though there are individuals who respect no higher power, or who believe there is none. Over all, though, I think most of mankind has some belief in a higher power.
The saying “there are no athiests in fox holes” meaning that when we (man kind) are in deep trouble we turn to a spiritual belief I think is quite true most of the time.
I also know that my own spiritual walk has helped in my own healing, and the psychological texts and precepts I have read and still read, and the spiritual readings I have done and am doing, help me to put my focus on healing myself rather than seeking revenge against the psychopaths, which is MORE BENEFICIAL to me than constantly being in anger and rage at the injury they did to me. Bitterness of heart does nothing to improve me. It drags me down. If I felt or thought that there was NO higher power in the Universe I might be more prone to be bitter at the things that have hurt me and stay bitter at the injustice of the hurt.
In finding meaning to my suffering, as Dr. Viktor Frankl did, I am improving my OWN LIFE and growing in a way that makes ME a happier and better person, more able to have good relationships, and to put behind me the painful lessons I learned by the P-experience.
Not all people are “good.” Not all people are able to love. Not all people are “bad.” When you think a bad person is a good person, you set yourself up for being taken advantage of and hurt. It is wise to learn the “signs” of people who are “bad” and to avoid intimate relationships with those people who show signs of being “bad.”
Whether you label these “bad” people sinners, psychopaths, ASPD or Gooblins, it doesn’t matter. You just need to learn to recognize the “face of evil” in these people.
No one is perfect, but there are those in this world that are “worse” than others, ones who actually enjoy being “bad.” The Bible to me is a good guide to how to distinguish these “bad” people from the “good” (but not perfect) people.
The the letter to the I Corinthian Christians, St Paul says in chapter 5: 11 “do not keep company …fornicator, or covetous, or an idolater, or a railer, or a drunkard, or an extortiioner, with such an one no not to eat.”
St. Paul is there telling Christians not to keep company with fellow “Christians” who do these things (and a long list of other things including thieves, etc) If that isn’t “no contact” I don’t know what is.
Now, if you are not a Christian, the same advice is still good because if you keep company with people who do hurtful things to others, who steal, lie, cheat, etc. those people are not going to make your life better, but worse. Plus, you will be influenced in your own behavior by what they consider “everyday” behavior. “Evil companions corrupt good morals.”
If we can live our own lives in a morally good and upright way, not taking advantage of others, and avoiding people who do take advantage of others, then we should have pretty satisfying lives. It is when we don’t use “common sense” and avoid people who wave those red flags, that we get into trouble.
When I started dating the X-BF-P it wasn’t long before I found out that the reason he got divorced was that his wife had caught him with another woman. BUT I CHOSE TO KEEP ON DATING HIM KNOWING HE WAS A CHEAT on his first wife.
Then I found out about his previous HAREM (while he was married) and STILL didn’t kick him to the curb. If I had done what I KNEW I SHOULD HAVE, I would not have become so hurt because I would have kicked him to the curb, quit dating him as soon as I found out he had cheated on his wife of 32 years, much less about the “harem.”
So, while what he did to me was not my “fault” in any way, the thing is that I COULD HAVE PREVENTED IT if I had done what I knew I should have done, and chose to ignore. Not even to eat with someone who was a serial “fornicator.” (I do realize people can cheat once without being a SERIAL cheater) None of us are perfect, but his was a LIFE LONG PATTERN, not a one-time thing.
As my mother so nicely pointed out I have lied to her. But there is NO PATTERN of me BEING a CONTINUAL LIAR. I doubt that there is any of us here who have NOT EVER lied or taken something that is not ours, or who have not “sinned” in some other way, but the trick is to SEE THE PATTERN of behavior. Telling a lie is one thing, but BEING a LIAR is the PATTERN.
I no longer lie. I no longer steal. Yep, folks you heard it here first, I stole a quarter from my mom’s purse when I was 6 or7. And I didn’t even get caught, but I have felt “guilty” about it ever since. LOL
Today I focus on being the best kind of person that I can be, the most moral, the kindest, but “nobody’s fool” at the same time.
Oxy: My civil and constitutional rights were violated by anti-socials. If I didn’t have money, I couldn’t fight for my rights. No one hands the constitution to you on a silver platter. Period. Anti-socials (aka heathens) know that they can violate any one, any where, at any time … and continue doing so until someone STOPS them. That takes, money, your time, your focus, your patience, the courts, the attorneys etc. Yes, not everyone is “Christian”, that was never my point. There are many religions in the world to worship the CREATOR. Even scientists admit there is a CREATOR. Our country was founded on GOD. IN GOD WE TRUST. To believe in God, Creator, Supreme Being, etc. etc. etc. there are many paths that leads to him. No one religion is the absolute way. Religions are a starting point, joining people in community to worship the ALMIGHTY. Having common respect for others in community. NOT allowing chaos to flourish. To instill calm and tranquility etc. etc. etc. Listed below is a break down of the most popular religions and there are many more after this breakdown. I personally have attended many services in many denominations and enjoyed every visit. I plan on attending churches, temples, whatever you want to call the structures my entire life and enjoy every minute of meeting the people attending these structures.
Christianity 33%
Islam 21%
Judaism 0.22%
Chinese Traditional 6%
Primal Indigenous 6%
Islam (Shiite, Sunni, etc) 21%
Sikhism 0.36%
Anglican
Catholic
Protestant
Eastern Orthodox
Monopyhsite
AICs
SDAs
Evangelical
Jehovah’s Witnesses
Quakers
AOG
Nominal
Latter-day Saints
Orthodox
Pentecostal
Buddhism
Sikhism
Baha’i
Zoroastrianism
Non-Religious 16%
And if the anti-socials of this world believed in one, just one of the religions mentioned above instead of their BIG EGOS, we wouldn’t be on this blog discussing their attrocities. Period.
Peace