Most of the time we spend with sociopaths is spent in confusion. They tell us that they love us, while they cheat on us and take our money. They tell us that everything will be wonderful while our lives are falling apart. They tell us they’re sorry and will never do it again, yet they do it again, and again, and again.
We ask ourselves—what in the world is going on here?
They explain it all away. The explanation seems to make sense. But something still isn’t right, and they still don’t stop the behavior that makes us believe we are losing our minds.
There must be a reason. We wonder if they’re depressed, or bipolar, or they have low self-esteem. We’ve been told that they were abused as children. They overindulge in alcohol or drugs, and we’re sure that if they can only overcome their addiction, they’ll change.
It never happens.
We can’t figure it out.
The words that fit the behavior
Then someone says, “It sounds like he (or she) is a sociopath.” Or maybe they even use the word “psychopath.”
Sociopath! They’re the guys on The Sopranos.
Psychopath! They’re all serial killers.
But something tells us to do more research, so we go online. We buy a book. And there they are, the people who are driving us insane, perfectly described in the symptoms of a sociopath.
At Lovefraud, we hear it all the time:
“He’s got every symptom on the list!” “The description fits her to a T!”
Finally, we have a name for that person’s problem. He or she is a sociopath. A psychopath. An antisocial.
Finally, it all makes sense. The lies, the emptiness, the remorselessness, the evil. There is a reason. It is not us. It is a personality disorder.
Naming the disorder makes all the difference. Finally, we begin to understand what we are dealing with. This allows us to begin recovery.
Learn about them in school
Why do we spend so much time in confusion? Because there is no education program about this personality disorder for the general public.
I remember a story from the tsunami that struck Indonesia, Sri Lanka, India and Thailand on December 26, 2004. A vacationing family was on the beach there when the ocean suddenly receded. The little girl of the family had just finished studying tsunamis in school, and learned that the receding ocean meant that a wall of water would soon come crashing into the shore. She told her family, and they escaped to higher ground.
Sociopaths cause personal tsunamis for all of their victims. The sociopaths/ psychopaths/ antisocials of the world cause a huge percentage of all human pain, damage and devastation, yet most of the population does not know they exist. Why? Why don’t we learn about these predators in school? If we did, when we saw the symptoms, we could escape.
Arguing over terminology
Part of the problem with trying to educate people about these predators is that the mental health professionals do not agree on what to call it. First it was moral insanity. Then it was psychopath. Then it was sociopath. Then it was antisocial personality disorder.
The professionals can’t agree on how to define and diagnose the disorder, either. The American Psychiatric Association’s Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fourth Edition (DSM-IV), is supposed to be the bible for clinicians. I find its description of antisocial personality disorder to be vague and difficult to understand.
Dr. Robert Hare’s description of the symptoms of a psychopath—the term he uses—is easier to understand, and the test he developed has been consistently shown to be useful in predicting recidivism among criminals. But Hare’s criteria and evaluation are resisted by many psychiatrists. From what I’ve heard, the basis for much of the disagreement is political.
Mental health profession should come to agreement
I believe this lack of agreement is a travesty, and the professionals are actually contributing to the confusion in which the predators operate. In a way, that makes the mental health professionals complicit in the havoc wreaked by the sociopaths/ psychopaths/ antisocials—whatever we call them.
Lovefraud calls on the professional associations to solve this problem. The American Psychiatric Association, the American Psychological Association, the American Medical Association, the American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry—please, come to an agreement.
Make a decision. Define this disorder. Publicize the symptoms. Let the general public learn what to look out for.
It would help all of us keep the sociopaths/psychopaths/antisocials, the human tsunamis, from upending our lives.
20 years ago I ran a sexual abuse program in a very respected, cutting edge domentic violence agency in California. I developed teen dating programs, taught in prisons and supported victims on the witness stand. I know the red flags.
I saw the red flags, bold as can be in “my” S. I just didn’t know he was an S. I flirted with him for a year while he “dated” others. I thought I could have fun with him. Our first date, I ran home early from work to cook him a birthday dinner. I spoke to him an hour before he was to arrive, he was on his way. I phoned him a half hour after he was to arrive, he got caught up at work. I knew this was a lie. He left a message on my voice mail at workthe next day, telling me he was just starting a relationship with a woman he had met at church and wanted to do the right thing by her. SINCE WHEN? Anyway, for some reason, I thoughgt that was admirable and we continued to flirt. By the time the month was over with, we were sleeping together. I had never had a “friends with privlidges” relationship but thought I was old enough and wise enough to do this. I remember telling him that all I expected was consideration and monogomy. Ha! What a naive fool I must have sounded like to him!
Anyway, I have spent my afternoon in my garage, reading things in his boxes, sweating in this midwestern heat.
Dear Lib,
You know what REALLY amazes me here is how many MENTAL HEALTH PROFESSIONALS and how many social workers, and other professions, nurses, advanced practice nurses, etc. are here on this ONE blog as VICTIMS.
You would not think that so many victims would be the ones that were EDUCATED about them, educated and experienced in mental health.
It just floors me how many intelligent and educated people fall prey to these predators. How the majority of us SEE the red flags and ignore them anyway.
I never knowingly went out with married men simply because I figured if he was married and cheating on her, he would cheat on me. (The best indicator of future behavior is past behavior) and I never thought that I would get involved with an “abusive” man—well, I probably wouldn’t have with one that would slap me or punch me, because I would have drawn the line absolutely there, but punching and slapping is not the only form of abuse, of course.
Yet, I continued to go with a man AFTER I knew that he had been serially unfaithful to his wife their entire 32 year marriage, and had a “harem” of long term girlfriends that he had seen for years and years. DUH! What’s the difference? None of course, he cheated on his wife, he would cheat on me.
It is just sort of “embarassing” to me that I would be so naive that I thought I was “special”—LOL But I do give myself a break in knowing that I started dating him only 8 months after my husband was killed and I was very “needy” at the time and not in “top form” by any means–PTSD and depression completely overwhelming me made me very very vulnerable and needy. I’m just grateful and glad that I had the strength to GET OUT before I married him.
I still “miss” the warmth of a relationship, but one without love and caring is not my cup of tea, and sex without love isn’t anything I am interested in, so for the time being I am alone and very okay with that. Probably will be for the rest of my life, but who knows? I do know it wont’ ba t “settling” for less than the BEST though.
Drink you some iced tea, Lib–and join me in a toast! Thank God they’re gone! Here’s to a new and better life!!!!
Dear OxDrover:
Thank you for the response. I believe so many care-givers / mental health profs are here because it is safe. Many could lose their jobs or credendials. I can not tell my whole story to anyone I know right now because of the lack of understanding, or the fact that I am so embarassed that I got myself in this situation. I know that the S. put me in this situation and I shouldn’t blame myself, and I don’t blame myself for his behavior. Yet, I do have to take my own responsibility.
I would love to respond immediately when someone posts, but never know when that is, and just can’t sit at the computer. Is their a way to sound an allert on here?
Oops, my spelling credentials are gone.
I have passed this S. off as my “friend” for two years. Pretending that is all he is, to my children, neighbors, ex in-laws. Only my closest girl friends know the truth and they don’t understand my bond, obsession, connection or his S. traits.
My house is a wreck because of him (his messes and my inability to focus to clean), I can’t fully concentrate at work, I’ve neglected my children, paying for his car gas is killing me. I am so ready for a new and better life!
I have lost today. Besides the snooping (I thought I was done with that), I have been writing him a goodbye letter off and on all day. I’m getting closer.
Dear Lib,
All I can say to you is to go NO CONTACT with him as fast as you can. Don’t worry about the “goodbye letter” as he will NOT GET IT. If you write it do NOT give it to him. It will only give him supply and who knows where he will gowith it, or who may end up seeing it. Yea, NEVER PUT ANYTHING ON PAPER YOU DO NOT WANT ON THE FRONT PAGE OF TOMORROW’S NEWSPAPER. Rule number UNO!
He does NOT care for you. Don’t waste your time. Send him an E mai,l and say “NO MORE, we are done! I do not want to talk about it.” Let that be your goodbye. Take his things if he has any at your place and put them outside and leave a note, or take them to a friend of his’ house, or whatever but don’t even speak to the jerk.
That emotional “need” we have to “tell them” off or how bad they hurt us or whatever ALWAYS seems to backfire. I think most of the people here will back me up on that, if not ALL of the peopole here.
Accept the fact that you’ve been conned. Why do you owe him even “common courtesy”? If you have to see him at work, act like he is a potted plant, or if you must speak to him then do it in a professional manner and business only. AVOID him or any personal conversation at all costs. If necessary, get another job.
I know all this sounds so harsh, but having had eperience and read the eperiences of others, MANY OTHERS, NC is the only way to heal and get out of this thing with as much dignity intact as you can manage. Be good to yourself, be nice to yourself, but he deserves NOTHING from you.
Hang in there and think about things, and read and read and learn more and then when you are ready, make the jump. It will be hard but you ARE STRONG and YOU KNOW THE SCORE. We’re here for you. (((Big Hugs)))))
No matter how prolific a poster, no one here is the authority on everyone else’s situation, nor should they hold themselves out to be such.
And I don’t mean to be rude but I do not like strangers, even well-meaning ones, to call me “dear.”
Dear gillian, if I offended you by calling you “my dear” I am very sorry about that, I meant no offense at all. I do not put myself out as an “autnority” on everyone’s situation here in any way shape or form. We are all unique, though there ARE some patterns in both victims (in general) and in the psychopaths (in general).
Whether or not you realize it, I was quite agreeing with your perception that you didn’t have the warnings that the majority of the rest of us might have had.
I’m quite sorry if I offended you in any way, such was NOT my intention at all. My suggestion that you read and learn about the red flags that MOST of the Ps fly sometime during the relationship was for your future protection from the “garden variety” Ps out there. I believe the more we know about how “they” generally act, the better we can prevent ourselves from being deceived in the future. I’ve had my share of Ps, mostly in my family, but I’ve also dated one, and HE DID fly red flags, but because I was vulnerable and needy after my husband’s death, I ignored them totally until they became so painful I could no longer do it.
When I was a teenager and met my biological father who was a P, I had no idea what a “red flag” was, or what a P was so I was Totally blindsided.
Again, I am so sorry if I have offended you in any way. The last thing I want to do is to offend anyone. Sorry.
Beverly, when you log on write me. I need to speak with you.
Peace.
Gillian,
I think I hear you. I can only explain about me, but maybe you will empathize through my experience. I welcome your feedback.
The most help I received from reading these blogs back in the begining was simply to see that I was not alone in my experience, that this kind of behavior happens to a lot of people. That alone, helped validate for me that I wasn’t unusual or “abnormal.” It also helped to see my experience as not so devastating because there were others who had it much worse than I’d had it, but we all had a common understanding of the experience. I like to entertain other opinions, but I didn’t need or get overbearing advice. And acceptance of others helped me accept myself.
I think once we feel accepted, safe, only then can we feel free to dig honestly into issues deep within and others can help shed light with loving “critique” but only when we feel free enough to share without judgment. Advice can seem like judgment especially when our blogging isn’t directed by a professional. That is what group therapy accomplishes. So I will say again, that is why I take what I need and leave the rest because we aren’t professionals. But I’d like to think we should be able to blog without feeling preached to or judged. With the continual repetative advice and the lengthy posts, all this has become more difficult for me. But perhaps I am just ready for the next step.
I have been reading for a very long time, now I skim, and post only occasionally. I have seen the blogs go from short and directly related responses more limited to the blog heading, to writing lengthy “sermons,” the same story from the same bloggers regurgitated with the exact same theme in post after post, pages long cutting and pasting of material that I could obtain and read if I so chose with a simple synopsis and link, and there is labeling and name calling, unprofessional “professional” diagnoses readily given and it seems to feed on itself and I think we really need to watch that because to me that is again judgment, God’s right not mine. I do see some that appear bent on “proving” they’ve had it the worst and they know the most, seemingly needing to justify a superior opinion when faced with any differing opinion or dissent, a having to be “right” complex I call it. I can usually recognize it and it’s good practice in learning how to deal with a common trait among strong personalities. I’ve seen a victim become an expert in record time here, and as yet most of us are all untried in a succeeding relationship so though we may allude to being “cured,” I think we need to recognize we may be coming off as superior and instead should maybe practice a little more humility because it can give others a false sense of where they should strive to be but each has her/his own way and time frame. I feel I have a much better understanding, but the proof will be in the pudding. Maybe I’m being too critical or picky, but if I didn’t feel comfortable with everyone on here believing everyone also “knows” my intent, I wouldn’t be putting it out here. But I welcome others’ opinions because it helps me see me better.
That said, I have no doubt of anyone’s good intent and pure heart of those who blog here. This is an open blog so everyone is invited to share whatever is on their mind. The intent is pure, but I think the delivery can become problematic. In the exuberance of some helping others and in reestablishing personal self esteem, it loses some people because, probably typical of myself, they simply tire of hearing the same ole same ole, wading through so much “stuff,” and instead of allowing people to discover their own “truth” they perceive they are being preached to. Not that what they are saying is necessarily incorrect, but it is not as easily accepted when it is spoon fed instead of just sitting back and letting others find their own way through open discussion of differing views instead of having to be right in their advice.
I appreciate your candid response, given without attack. And since this has been brought up more than once now, I think maybe we all should take another look and give it some consideration, understanding that everyone is different, there are differing views, differing needs, and no one needs to monopolize or jump to give your own same opinionated advice to every post that is posted or to continually restate the obvious unless directly asked. I think it can seem condescending and infers people are incapable of of looking through past blogs and other places to collect obvious information for themselves and draw their own conclusions. You don’t have to agree and if you post you invite comment, but we can comment on the issues why we agree or disagree without giving advice that can be perceived as judgment. And some of us, I am pointing my finger directly at myself, have trouble being succinct.
I my next post I would like to explore this boundary thing in more depth because it is so important, and discuss what you saw and didn’t see and when, because sounds like you experienced similarity in what I did. No one needs to tell me to look for the lie, because trust me I looked so others probably won’t see it either, read all the available information for that obvious evidence. I think that is grossly misleading and one of my “stump” issues. It’s impossible to stop a boundary violation when you can’t see it is being violated. After all we are dealing with cons, experts. I don’t feel self blame, yet I don’t feel completely a victim either. I was lied to very effectively and that was easier to accept once I understood people actually can be without conscience. But I don’t know yet how secure I feel in my ability to use discerning judgment before it’s too late without becoming an untrusting task master in the next relationship. I do feel emphasis should be placed on patterns and how you feel. And of course discerning judgment is my goal.
Benz
gillian. I don’t know about your situation. I have never read your posts. What I did was try to read everything first from the articles to the blogs then I jumped in and wrote what was coming from my heart at that particular time … then as you get comfortable with accepting what happened to you … you grow from that acceptance and you keep writing. The more you grow in this experience … the different avenues you can take. We all understand that it is up to ourselves to heal. No one questions how we will do that. It’s all individuals paths.
Peace.