Most of the time we spend with sociopaths is spent in confusion. They tell us that they love us, while they cheat on us and take our money. They tell us that everything will be wonderful while our lives are falling apart. They tell us they’re sorry and will never do it again, yet they do it again, and again, and again.
We ask ourselves—what in the world is going on here?
They explain it all away. The explanation seems to make sense. But something still isn’t right, and they still don’t stop the behavior that makes us believe we are losing our minds.
There must be a reason. We wonder if they’re depressed, or bipolar, or they have low self-esteem. We’ve been told that they were abused as children. They overindulge in alcohol or drugs, and we’re sure that if they can only overcome their addiction, they’ll change.
It never happens.
We can’t figure it out.
The words that fit the behavior
Then someone says, “It sounds like he (or she) is a sociopath.” Or maybe they even use the word “psychopath.”
Sociopath! They’re the guys on The Sopranos.
Psychopath! They’re all serial killers.
But something tells us to do more research, so we go online. We buy a book. And there they are, the people who are driving us insane, perfectly described in the symptoms of a sociopath.
At Lovefraud, we hear it all the time:
“He’s got every symptom on the list!” “The description fits her to a T!”
Finally, we have a name for that person’s problem. He or she is a sociopath. A psychopath. An antisocial.
Finally, it all makes sense. The lies, the emptiness, the remorselessness, the evil. There is a reason. It is not us. It is a personality disorder.
Naming the disorder makes all the difference. Finally, we begin to understand what we are dealing with. This allows us to begin recovery.
Learn about them in school
Why do we spend so much time in confusion? Because there is no education program about this personality disorder for the general public.
I remember a story from the tsunami that struck Indonesia, Sri Lanka, India and Thailand on December 26, 2004. A vacationing family was on the beach there when the ocean suddenly receded. The little girl of the family had just finished studying tsunamis in school, and learned that the receding ocean meant that a wall of water would soon come crashing into the shore. She told her family, and they escaped to higher ground.
Sociopaths cause personal tsunamis for all of their victims. The sociopaths/ psychopaths/ antisocials of the world cause a huge percentage of all human pain, damage and devastation, yet most of the population does not know they exist. Why? Why don’t we learn about these predators in school? If we did, when we saw the symptoms, we could escape.
Arguing over terminology
Part of the problem with trying to educate people about these predators is that the mental health professionals do not agree on what to call it. First it was moral insanity. Then it was psychopath. Then it was sociopath. Then it was antisocial personality disorder.
The professionals can’t agree on how to define and diagnose the disorder, either. The American Psychiatric Association’s Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fourth Edition (DSM-IV), is supposed to be the bible for clinicians. I find its description of antisocial personality disorder to be vague and difficult to understand.
Dr. Robert Hare’s description of the symptoms of a psychopath—the term he uses—is easier to understand, and the test he developed has been consistently shown to be useful in predicting recidivism among criminals. But Hare’s criteria and evaluation are resisted by many psychiatrists. From what I’ve heard, the basis for much of the disagreement is political.
Mental health profession should come to agreement
I believe this lack of agreement is a travesty, and the professionals are actually contributing to the confusion in which the predators operate. In a way, that makes the mental health professionals complicit in the havoc wreaked by the sociopaths/ psychopaths/ antisocials—whatever we call them.
Lovefraud calls on the professional associations to solve this problem. The American Psychiatric Association, the American Psychological Association, the American Medical Association, the American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry—please, come to an agreement.
Make a decision. Define this disorder. Publicize the symptoms. Let the general public learn what to look out for.
It would help all of us keep the sociopaths/psychopaths/antisocials, the human tsunamis, from upending our lives.
Well swallow: Since we can’t alway get what we waaaaaant, we can do the next best thing. Have a signal so we know who’s on what team. One of those secret handshakes or secret phrases. Just to tip the scales a bit … the good folks knowing the other good folks. But then again, we’d have to change the secret pass code often, cause it gets around you know … and then we’re back to square one. Is that what is meant when “they” say “keep the status quo”???
Reminds me of “Man from Uncle and Thresh” … now I’m dating myself. Dating myself? Funny, that should slip and say something like that … mmmmhhhhhhhh, not a bad idea when you think about it. But, then heck, I wouldn’t have met any of you. Good to know there are other’s who still have their souls.
Peace.
I have been reading newsletters and your blogs about socio/psychopaths for almost 18 months now. This is my first comment, ever.
I have worked in social services for almost twenty years (surprized? – NOT) and have read what the DSM has to say. I never thought I would be here. I have been married twenty years to a non-P., seperated for four, and in an on-again off-again relationship with a P. for two years. I have done a little therapy, a little journaling and have read some of his journals with his knowledge. Tonight I read that in 1999 he wrote about being with over 300 women, although was not happy about it. He has been in 12-step (NA) recovery for 15 years. He is with a woman or at a meeting now as I type.
My questions for you as I start/finish this process are:
1. How do I even begin to tell my story and get it out?
2. Please give me more information on a P. in recovery,
because he seems so real with that part of his life.
Thank you so much for all the posts you have written, the insight that no formal education can give, and the patience with me as I attempt to post.
Dear Lib,
Welcome–sorry you’ve had to find this blog, though. I know it is pain that brings us all here.
A “P in recovery” is an oxymoron, it just is a FAKE—they have no conscience, therefore they can’t recover. They can stop doing drugs or drinking, but that just means they are a sober psychopath.
Everything thing they do to appear “repententant” is a FAKE.
EVERYTHING they say is NOT TRUE, or twisted, or outright lies. It is said to further their agenda.
I suggest you read here about the Ps, and how they operate. Then, GET OUT OF THE RELATIONSHIP ASAP.
There is no “cure” for them. They don’t want to be cured.
Google Robert Hare and his psychopathic check list and look it over and see just how many hits your P-BF has and then RUN. You say he has been with over “300 women” and “he is with a woman or at a meeting now” WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR? If he is a liar (all Ps are) how could you ever trust him? How could you have a good relationship with someone you can’t trust?
I am also a (retired) mental and medical health professional, and believe me “I should have known better” but my knowledge didn’t protect me because I didn’t use it. I was conned. I do think though, that your professional status will help you in the learning process though. And, once you “get it” all you will be in a great position to help others through your profession. Good luck.
Dear Lib,
I am new to and I have found this site to helpful. Dont be afraid to write everyone has words of wisdom.
I found I have read a couple of books The Soiciopath Next Door and Without Conscienc(Robert Hare) I then realized what I was dealing with.
Well I am still not sure what the difference from a S or a P
but I havent finished the book.
i went dancing last night and by fait I got a name of a counsler that speacilizes in the feild I am anxouis to ee her she works with prisoners, I hope I can learn something.
I gues like all of you I am passionate about helping others to see this true epidemic. I feel that if we get more true stories out in more hands more will know. The bottom line form reading is there are red flags and we have to absolutely listen to our gutt even if its a ficker!
Lib,
Sorry that you have to be here but it is a great place to learn and help with recovery.
The most important thing is start NO CONTACT – of any kind. Stop reading the journals, answering phone calls etc,etc. Until you are completely free from his mind games, you will not be able to recover. Once you are free, then you can start to learn all about the disorder. There is a great deal of information on the net and good books ( already mentioned by aykm).
As Ox Drover says, he is unable to recover. His ‘therapy’ is a good cover and makes him sound like a decent person which appeals to caring women.
What you need to concentrate on is how has he treated you? If he has abused you in any way whatsoever, no matter what his diagnosis is, then get him out of your life. Don’t be sidetracked by the therapy routine and start to look after yourself instead.
I think one of the most important rules to follow when you think you are dealing with a P is to look at their ACTIONS not listen to their words.
Swallow
Yes swallow, Very right. The best way to check if you have a loser in disguise, is to CLOSELY watch their actions. Play deaf to their words, just be the watcher and you will see how their world unfolds.
This is the first time Im posting here but have been reading for awhile. I’m convinced Ive been involved with a SP for almost 3 years now. The signs have been out since day one, but I ignored it. Reading these posts is like reading my last 3 years with this guy so I won’t go into details.
Here’s my problem. The ONLY way I could find out if he was lying to me on a continual basis was to investigate. My gut was so strong but I had no evidence. I have followed him to see if where he was going was where he said he was going. I have created a phone account for him. I had his SS# and he doesnt have a computer so it was an easy task. I have gotten inside his apartment (He gave me a key a long time ago, I had it copied and gave him the original back) to see if the porn he said he got rid of after he met me was still there (it is…a lot of it). For the past 6 months he hasnt allowed me in his apartment because he says its too messy and he hasnt had time to clean it. Truth be told, its a complete and utter s**thole. I doubt he’s cleaned his bathroom or sheets in a year. I think he purposely doesnt clean it because its an excuse not to let me in. It’s like he’s hiding out.
I feel so guilty about this. I feel like I’m becoming the sociopath by spying on him but it was the ONLY way I could tell what he was like when I wasn’t looking. I placed a transmitter inside his apt to hear what he said when noone was around. I needed to see what was behind the mask.
One time as he was apparently masturbating (which he does quite frequently even though he denies sex with me stating he’s under stress and cant get it up) I heard him say to himself, “I miss you, I love you…Now get back in your box!”. This abhored me as I knew he was talking about me. A sick feeling came over me in that I realized he viewed me as a toy, or object to be played with and taken out of its box when he chose. His words, “I miss you, I love you”, were stated to me daily…constantly. So I knew this was about me.
I know I have to have no contact with him and so far it’s been 3 days even though he called yesterday and didnt leave a message. Our relationship has been rocky for a LONG time, but as most of us, I tried and tried, hoping things would get better as after every drunken manic socipathic crazy episode, he would call me, sometimes 20 times a day, crying, sobbing, promising it will never happen again and that he needs help. After the last episode two weeks ago, he cried and cried telling me he needs help, that he’s made a decision to go to AA, that he told his mother, his best friend and his “best female friend”…thats another issue altogether) that he is sick and needs help. Guess what….he was sober for 3 days and now its back to business as usual with a bravado, arrogant attitude. Its manic then depressive, then manic, then depressive, with sociopathy thrown in to the garbage heap.
Within the past 6 months its been a constant power struggle because I call him on his behavior and have unmasked him to some degree because of what I know behind closed doors. Although I havent told him how I found out. He thinks I’m psychic and I believe a little afraid of me, but will never show it. The power plays have gotten worse since I’ve done this.
I have to read this blog daily to keep my sanity and as a reality check that what I’m dealing with here IS a very very sick individual. But it’s getting to the point that I don’t like how I’ve had to find out. My dilemna is, that I never would have REALLY found out if I hadn’t done it in the first place. It’s like the saying “fight fire with fire” and “keep your friends close but your enemies closer”. This has become war and I feel like I’m heading up the psychops CIA war strategy department. Am I just as sick as he is? This is bothering me.
I am NOT like this normally. Normally I trust people…sometimes too much. The things that are going through my head…ways to get revenge, etc…just to piss him off are starting to bother me. I feel betrayed, lied to, used, even though I now see my part in this. Classic rescuer turned victim turned persecutor. help! I want off this rollercoaster.
Indiechick you just described my past 3 years with my x. I went crazy, insane trying to catch him at his lie’s. You have to stop (now) you are NOT crazy, he made you feel that way, it’s going to be a rough lesson, but read and learn and please do everything possible to have no contact. You have lost your identity, it will come back in time but you have to do the work. I read (Romeo is Bleeding) you can google that. It made the hair on the back of my neck stand up. Read that and everything you can, I recommend (learning from Madness) by richard skerrit…… hang in there, you will get your life back….but get rid of him and never look back….
Thanks for the recommendation henry. I read Romeo’s Bleeding online. It seems I’m becoming what I initially hated. I’m going to resist the urge to investigate him further and plot retaliation. I already know the facts. He’s whacked in the head and I am too if I choose to continue to engage in this. More than detachment is needed. Complete escape with no turning back is the solution while healing the open wound in the process and becoming aware of my own issues that attracted him in the first place so as never to be in this situation again.
indiechick
wow that is so horrible!
I went to my counsler for 5 years saying is he crazy or is he making me crazy I started asking GOD to reveal the truth and once he did in a BIG way he was living 2 lives I WAS DONE. After everything I have read I got very concerned about my safety even. In the many writings they say once you know run run as fast as you can! They dont change they dont get better most times it gets worse. Once I found out about my now ex I had no reason to talk to him at all i think it disturbed him as he wasnt my center of attention anymore. But for me I had NO REASON to talk to him WHY so HE CAN LIE again and again. He is so creepy even when I found out the truth and he knew i knew the truth he still lied…im not sure if they know the difference.
It helped me no to continue to listen and over time i got less and less crazy.
I hope you read more and write more as these humans CAN NOT change, you know I do beilive in miracles from GOD but I think they would have to want it and work years at it to get there and most of them are to vain.
This is my belief