Most of the time we spend with sociopaths is spent in confusion. They tell us that they love us, while they cheat on us and take our money. They tell us that everything will be wonderful while our lives are falling apart. They tell us they’re sorry and will never do it again, yet they do it again, and again, and again.
We ask ourselves—what in the world is going on here?
They explain it all away. The explanation seems to make sense. But something still isn’t right, and they still don’t stop the behavior that makes us believe we are losing our minds.
There must be a reason. We wonder if they’re depressed, or bipolar, or they have low self-esteem. We’ve been told that they were abused as children. They overindulge in alcohol or drugs, and we’re sure that if they can only overcome their addiction, they’ll change.
It never happens.
We can’t figure it out.
The words that fit the behavior
Then someone says, “It sounds like he (or she) is a sociopath.” Or maybe they even use the word “psychopath.”
Sociopath! They’re the guys on The Sopranos.
Psychopath! They’re all serial killers.
But something tells us to do more research, so we go online. We buy a book. And there they are, the people who are driving us insane, perfectly described in the symptoms of a sociopath.
At Lovefraud, we hear it all the time:
“He’s got every symptom on the list!” “The description fits her to a T!”
Finally, we have a name for that person’s problem. He or she is a sociopath. A psychopath. An antisocial.
Finally, it all makes sense. The lies, the emptiness, the remorselessness, the evil. There is a reason. It is not us. It is a personality disorder.
Naming the disorder makes all the difference. Finally, we begin to understand what we are dealing with. This allows us to begin recovery.
Learn about them in school
Why do we spend so much time in confusion? Because there is no education program about this personality disorder for the general public.
I remember a story from the tsunami that struck Indonesia, Sri Lanka, India and Thailand on December 26, 2004. A vacationing family was on the beach there when the ocean suddenly receded. The little girl of the family had just finished studying tsunamis in school, and learned that the receding ocean meant that a wall of water would soon come crashing into the shore. She told her family, and they escaped to higher ground.
Sociopaths cause personal tsunamis for all of their victims. The sociopaths/ psychopaths/ antisocials of the world cause a huge percentage of all human pain, damage and devastation, yet most of the population does not know they exist. Why? Why don’t we learn about these predators in school? If we did, when we saw the symptoms, we could escape.
Arguing over terminology
Part of the problem with trying to educate people about these predators is that the mental health professionals do not agree on what to call it. First it was moral insanity. Then it was psychopath. Then it was sociopath. Then it was antisocial personality disorder.
The professionals can’t agree on how to define and diagnose the disorder, either. The American Psychiatric Association’s Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fourth Edition (DSM-IV), is supposed to be the bible for clinicians. I find its description of antisocial personality disorder to be vague and difficult to understand.
Dr. Robert Hare’s description of the symptoms of a psychopath—the term he uses—is easier to understand, and the test he developed has been consistently shown to be useful in predicting recidivism among criminals. But Hare’s criteria and evaluation are resisted by many psychiatrists. From what I’ve heard, the basis for much of the disagreement is political.
Mental health profession should come to agreement
I believe this lack of agreement is a travesty, and the professionals are actually contributing to the confusion in which the predators operate. In a way, that makes the mental health professionals complicit in the havoc wreaked by the sociopaths/ psychopaths/ antisocials—whatever we call them.
Lovefraud calls on the professional associations to solve this problem. The American Psychiatric Association, the American Psychological Association, the American Medical Association, the American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry—please, come to an agreement.
Make a decision. Define this disorder. Publicize the symptoms. Let the general public learn what to look out for.
It would help all of us keep the sociopaths/psychopaths/antisocials, the human tsunamis, from upending our lives.
IndieChick
What you are going through now, I went through 5 years ago. I didn’t place surveillance in his house, but only because I didn’t have any way of getting in! Believe me, I would have if I could have. I spent over a year ‘investigating’. Once I’d worked out that our whole life together had been a lie (at this point I still hadn’t figured out he was a sociopath), I then went round talking to all the people who’s lives he’d touched during our time as a couple. I wanted to make them understand that it wasnt ‘me’, it was him. What a complete and utter waste of time! The one or two really close friends I still had, already realised that anyway. The others didn’t care one way or the other and so weren’t worth my time.
I then spent another 3 years still having contact with him (we have a child together). I still wanted to make him see where he was going wrong. Another complete waste of time and exceedingly wearing emotionally.
I have had NO CONTACT for a year now. I decided on that option myself because I had not yet discovered Lovefraud. It was the turning point. It was the time when the healing began (although it didn’t seem like it at the time!).
I wish I had found Lovefraud years ago. Everything I have done to get the S out of my life has been exactly as everyone here advocates – it just took me so much longer to get there.
So, my message to you is, keep reading the posts, listen to the advice and act upon it. You will heal much more quickly if you do.
Don’t feel bad about behaviour which you wouldn’t normally display. I did that too. They make you insane! Some of the things I did when I was with him made me look as if I truly was the ‘mad, f***ing b*tch’ that he was so fond of telling me I was. Funnily enough, since he’s gone I’ve never once done or said any of the things of which I was so ashamed at the time.
I know you have this overpowering feeling of wanting to prove that you’re right and he’s wrong, but you don’t need to. You already know you’re right. We know you’re right. He’ll NEVER believe you’re right so don’t even waste a moment trying to convince him. And nobody else matters. So let it go. Stick rigidly to NO CONTACT and start to heal NOW, not in several years from now!
My thoughts are with you.
Dear Lib: Welcome from all of us. First 2 things you can do is go through all the different sites and read what is offered. Then read what the other users logged in wrote, their comments, suggestions etc. This will calm your nerves knowing that the rest of us are all going through the same situation. Second … DO NOT BELIEVE HIM. Period. As you read, you’ll get more of an understanding of the lies being told you. So protect yourself … get a grip on your fears right now … and remember, everyone on this site are here to help you. The professionals are listed on the left side of the site if you want to write to them. You can view all their credentials, years practicing etc. as you read. Calm down, where all in this together getting over what was dumped in our lives.
Peace to your heart and soul on your journey.
I enjoyed all of the posts regarding this article, from the diagnosis (or mis-diagnosis, or non-diagnosis) to the feelings that we are insane. Ahhh yes, and the investigations. My friends refer to me as their “FBI Agent”. I have discovered things that were unimaginable and unfathomable. And yes, everybody is sick to death of hearing about him, and about sociopaths, and “would you just get over it already?” And still my investigations continue, and each discovery both hurts and heals me at the same time, if you can understand that. It hurts me because of the lies I’ve discovered, the manipulations, the extreme maliciousness and cruelty, but it heals me because it is further evidence of what a lizard, or sub-human species he is. They are not worthy of our time, energy, and thoughts. NC is a must. And that rumination (a word I had never encountered prior to Lovefraud) is a difficult one to get over, as thoughts of him go round and round in my mind. I have taken to journaling, deep breathing exercises, and intentionally replacing thoughts of him with something…someone…anything, even counting to get him out of my psyche.
I most certainly wish there were classes in Sociopathy, but then there are few high school classes on child rearing or how to balance a checkbook and survive in this world. For the most part, people do not want education on disorders, but it is particularly ironic (and sad) that the “professionals” cannot identify this behavior. It would certainly save a lot of heartache.
Welcome to the new “members”, there is a lot of education and compassion here, really a lovely group of people. Thanks for the great article Donna, you’ve done it again.
Peggy Pseu
Yes Uk. Wanting vindication…wanting to prove to his special “friends” that I’m right. He has managed to turn them against me as every argument we ever had, as I later found, he would get on the horn and tell them what happened, twisting it and distorting it to his advantage.
The two good friends he’s had since childhood are both either alkies themselves or enablers…very dysfunctional. One is a male who is somewhat decent, but feeds into the sp’s need for attention and approval. The other is his AHEM…best female friend since childhood. She has this alcoholic boyfriend of 7 years whom she lives with, yet her and the SP STILL have to have a half hour conversation daily. He denied he talks to her every day…thus my looking into his phone records which revealed I was right and he lied…continuously.
He claims they have never had sex and they are just platonic. She claimed the same thing. She lives 2 hours away and I have never witnessed any outright flirting or overtly sexual behavior on their parts. I didnt like the fact that he was including her in our relationship to that degree and when I brought up the issues of boundaries in our relationship he got angry. He told me from the beginning that the girl years before me who was his fiance, had issues with “Margaret” too and he chose “Margaret” over her. I understand relationships with friends and I would never make anyone choose. We all need healthy friendships but this was beyond healthy.
There used to be another “best female friend” but he no longer calls her since he found out that her and I have talked and are friends now. She has admitted that he has issues and when he found that out, all of a sudden “Sherrie” who was once beautiful and special (as every person who feeds the SP’s ego is ) is now an ugly fat bitch.
Heres a question I have. Whats with the sex issue here? We had a euphoric sex life in the beginning. After I sold my business in December things started changing. But then, his lies, inconsistencies and erratic behavior were becoming clearer. I knew he had porn even though he claimed he disdained it. I suspected he had a masturbation compulsion which he admitted to having “years ago”, but doesnt anymore. yea right. And yet…he refused to have sex with me.
It was excuse after excuse: He was going thru midlife, his apt was messy, he had low self esteem, he was impotent, he was under stress, blah blah blah. He kept saying, “be patient”, I’m working on myself”. What is THAT?
I thought I’d call his bluff. I noticed that whenever I expressed a need, he would do the opposite, but claimed he loved me at the same time. So I told him I didnt want to have sex with him anymore. Lo and behold, he’s on me like flies on s**t.
After reading all these blogs regarding sp’s and sex and power I believe our whole sex life was about power. He would very very seldom initiate, even in the beginning. When he did, it was aggressive, almost scary. It was as if there were two people inside one body. One was very submissive, even childlike and boyish. That one wanted to be subdued and seduced. The other one (always when he was drinking) was dominant and aggressive. I would say he probably has rape fantasies when in this state along the BDSM lines.
What is the issue with these “best female friends”? He has these non sexual relationships with these women that supercedes any long term committed relationship. That was a big issue after 3 years of this relationship. I didnt mind it at first, but after awhile, I felt like I was in a foursome.
I dont mean to be graphic with all this. And Im old enough to understand that sexual fantasy and various um…”ways” are acceptable in a healthy loving relationship where there is mutual love and respect. Im not a prude. But looking at this in retrospect, I started seeing psychosexual issues emerging. Are there any readings on this? Or can anyone lend any insight into this? I know I should just let it all go and move on, instead of trying to psychoanalyze this, but I find by analying it, I can better understand what makes him tick so as to avoid getting caught in a trap again.
One other thing. (All this stuff is starting to come out in retrospect.) I did find teen porn in his apt…you know the kind…barely legal. I have 17 and 19 year old girls. It SICKENS me to think that stuff is out there and he was looking at it. Hes 42 for Gods sake. He denied he had it. Denied he was into teens or even 20 something girls. Yet I would catch him staring..no…glaring at some young waitress at local restaurants. My gut told me that he had a penchant for younger girls (as I suppose most warped middle aged men who are losing their youth do). He told me once in the beginning that I made love like a teenager. I was 45! That statement never set well with me but at the time I took it as a sort of weird compliment.
The reason Im writing this is because, #1 I never told anyone and #2 I believe he has pedophilia tendencies or possibly fantasies. He talks about R Kelly and brings up those horrible “perverts” a lot. He has defended his 40 something year old bar buddies who go after really young 20 something women claiming HE would never do that, but in the eyes of the law its legal and it has always happened. He brushed it off like it was nothing and that I was being insecure and stupid about it.
He also has at times, has very effiminate behavior and many people have thought he was gay. This disturbed him GREATLY and yet when in a bar drinking with his buddies, he would ACT gay with them…then get angry, violent and belligerent if anyone called him gay. It was all so odd. Almost like he only did it for attention.
I guess my question is…are there typical sexual tendencies among sociopaths? I’m afraid of what he might do to someone else down the road if his perversions escalate. I know our society condones things like this more and more so I guess I’m old school. I hate porn…any kind…because it demeans women. He obviously was ashamed of it because he lied about it. I cant believe anything this guy says. I dont know whats truth or not anymore sometimes.
OK…I must be ruminating here. I apologize but this is the first time I am talking about this…TO ANYONE. It’s been in my head, in my head, in my head….trying to figure it all out. I guess I can come to some conclusions intellectually but will NEVER be able to comprehend what he does and why on an emotional level. Thank you all for your comments and statements and thank you for this blog. It’s been a life saver for me. I can now finally verbalize what’s been going on and actually know that others KNOW too.
Indiechick:
Hi, I’m here! In response to your question regarding him withholding intimacy, yes, I agree with you it’s all about power and control. A game.
I’m not sure about the female friends, there could be a variety of reasons, which may or may not include him having intimate relationships with them. I thought mine didn’t have female friends, but found out otherwise lately, due to a big discovery. Found out he’s had a “friendship” with the woman he’s now enaged to for almost 3 years, while he was living with me, unbeknownst to me.
The pedophelia really concerns me, particularly with you having teenage daughters. I’m sorry I don’t kinow your history, have you gone NC or are you still involved with him? RUN girl, RUN and save yourself and your daughters. My understanding is that S’s are sexually promiscuous, so that could include a whole range of deviant behaviors include pedophelia.
In regards to ruminating…I’m just beginning to have my head clear, although I still come in and out of the fog, and it has been 10 months. Ruminating, seemingly, is a normal part of this process as we have all experienced it. Even the obsessing, (abnormal as it may seem), seems to be part of the healing process. This is experience is so foreign to our consciousness and our “reality view” and expectations that it takes an extreme amount of research, investigation, reading, and talking with others who have experience this to begin to comprehend the mystery of Sociopaths. But once you “get it” it becomes crystal clear and one can easily identify the behaviors, and even predict them.
Peggy Pseu
Hi Peggy, thanks for the comment. I’ve been NC as you call it for 3 days now. He called yesterday but I didnt answer. He didnt leave a message. I know its a game. Hes played it before. Like baiting a trap. He calls…doesnt leave a message, I wait awhile then call back. Its cat and mouse. Only this time Im not calling back. Soooo…what will happen is…he will call back more frequently, maybe leave a sweet sounding message. When I dont respond to that he’ll leave a mean message only this time I wont call back or respond … as much as I want to. Its like quitting an addiction but I know it will get easier in time. The words from people on this blog are like gold to me now.
hi indiechick…..the sexual stuff confounded me….in the beginning he also had FRIENDS he couldnt give up for me….then he changed his mind and said he compromised for me…..i found out oneof his sons old teachers, into s and m, he stayed in touch with and found pictures of them on his computer doing things you wouldnt even believe….he supposedly ended that and moved in…through phone records i found the entire time he never stopped communication with another….others left lengthy phone mesages about how he owed them a dinner and how in shape they were getting….he always wanted me to go to swing clubs and participate or nude beach or a particular nude pool that was known as a swingers place…he always whined that his past lovers had done this for him….knowing that i wasnt interested he never stopped….i found him communicating to women online…once i found a little girls purse outside his front door with some money, a few dollars in it…i said we should call police as someone may have been mugged…he said he would but never did…later i wondered if this may be part of a SCENE, they weirdos play out…i found photo of him at an orgy………i sometimes wondered if he was gay….he told me we are all on a continuum and bisexual…some man would write him that he saw him and i somewhere and did i know who he was…..he told him not to write him anymore……it gets weirder and weirder…..after he was gone i found a shoe box in his computer room with feces dried in it….was it from my dog who had died…was he web camming on the computer…just where di it come from…he always save photos of last relationship and i found some on the near to last day with him and someone..who knows if it was new or old…he started returning for regularly scheduled sensual massages….was always into threesomes or multiple sex…said he wasnt afraid of a mans PART touching him………so indiechick, im more confused than anyone……..and each time this smart, educated professional woman bought that it was a onetime thing……brought up as a nice catholic school girl i really never thought things or creatures in human form existed….i guess there was no other way for me to learn ..i couldnt fathom its depth unless experiencing it…now looking back i could tell you many more weird incidents…they had me questioning myself…i was too prude or judgmental…i now will no longer have blinders on, but there are as many who still do as those who dont….i dont expect them to get it, just as i wouldnt have if not living it…..and the greatest thing is that it has caused me to stop burying the past that got me here in the first place….the only way out in this case is THROUGH….this site is better than any other money can buy…..wish we could all have a pool party somewhere…….terri
and indiechick…it not LIKE quitting an addiction…it is quitting a true addiction…i wish you the best in maintaining no contact…..wow you sound pretty determined already…..i wish i had had that strength then..ow well i do now……….terri