Most of the time we spend with sociopaths is spent in confusion. They tell us that they love us, while they cheat on us and take our money. They tell us that everything will be wonderful while our lives are falling apart. They tell us they’re sorry and will never do it again, yet they do it again, and again, and again.
We ask ourselves—what in the world is going on here?
They explain it all away. The explanation seems to make sense. But something still isn’t right, and they still don’t stop the behavior that makes us believe we are losing our minds.
There must be a reason. We wonder if they’re depressed, or bipolar, or they have low self-esteem. We’ve been told that they were abused as children. They overindulge in alcohol or drugs, and we’re sure that if they can only overcome their addiction, they’ll change.
It never happens.
We can’t figure it out.
The words that fit the behavior
Then someone says, “It sounds like he (or she) is a sociopath.” Or maybe they even use the word “psychopath.”
Sociopath! They’re the guys on The Sopranos.
Psychopath! They’re all serial killers.
But something tells us to do more research, so we go online. We buy a book. And there they are, the people who are driving us insane, perfectly described in the symptoms of a sociopath.
At Lovefraud, we hear it all the time:
“He’s got every symptom on the list!” “The description fits her to a T!”
Finally, we have a name for that person’s problem. He or she is a sociopath. A psychopath. An antisocial.
Finally, it all makes sense. The lies, the emptiness, the remorselessness, the evil. There is a reason. It is not us. It is a personality disorder.
Naming the disorder makes all the difference. Finally, we begin to understand what we are dealing with. This allows us to begin recovery.
Learn about them in school
Why do we spend so much time in confusion? Because there is no education program about this personality disorder for the general public.
I remember a story from the tsunami that struck Indonesia, Sri Lanka, India and Thailand on December 26, 2004. A vacationing family was on the beach there when the ocean suddenly receded. The little girl of the family had just finished studying tsunamis in school, and learned that the receding ocean meant that a wall of water would soon come crashing into the shore. She told her family, and they escaped to higher ground.
Sociopaths cause personal tsunamis for all of their victims. The sociopaths/ psychopaths/ antisocials of the world cause a huge percentage of all human pain, damage and devastation, yet most of the population does not know they exist. Why? Why don’t we learn about these predators in school? If we did, when we saw the symptoms, we could escape.
Arguing over terminology
Part of the problem with trying to educate people about these predators is that the mental health professionals do not agree on what to call it. First it was moral insanity. Then it was psychopath. Then it was sociopath. Then it was antisocial personality disorder.
The professionals can’t agree on how to define and diagnose the disorder, either. The American Psychiatric Association’s Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fourth Edition (DSM-IV), is supposed to be the bible for clinicians. I find its description of antisocial personality disorder to be vague and difficult to understand.
Dr. Robert Hare’s description of the symptoms of a psychopath—the term he uses—is easier to understand, and the test he developed has been consistently shown to be useful in predicting recidivism among criminals. But Hare’s criteria and evaluation are resisted by many psychiatrists. From what I’ve heard, the basis for much of the disagreement is political.
Mental health profession should come to agreement
I believe this lack of agreement is a travesty, and the professionals are actually contributing to the confusion in which the predators operate. In a way, that makes the mental health professionals complicit in the havoc wreaked by the sociopaths/ psychopaths/ antisocials—whatever we call them.
Lovefraud calls on the professional associations to solve this problem. The American Psychiatric Association, the American Psychological Association, the American Medical Association, the American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry—please, come to an agreement.
Make a decision. Define this disorder. Publicize the symptoms. Let the general public learn what to look out for.
It would help all of us keep the sociopaths/psychopaths/antisocials, the human tsunamis, from upending our lives.
Dear Indiechick, The poor me I a am a loser schtik is a PITY play,that Dr. Martha Stout says is for her the one and only ture test of a sociopath. My guy was sooooooo proud, and yet, if you looked, was always looking for pity, while he was stabbing you in the back.
It is not just an aspect of how they opearte, but a key indicator.
Good for you going NC. Ther is NOTHING to be gained, but more abuse in any other action. No fair play, no finishing unfinsihed busness, no lets be friends.
No ” iwant to understand” Here me NOTHING ti be gained, but more grief. Stay strong.!!!!
Hang in there, you will be richly rewarded.
Peae, A
Dear IndieChick,
PAST TENSE !!!!! Yea!!!! Good for you! NC means he is in the past, and your future is straight ahead.
Yes, the mood swings, especially with bi-polar and psychopathic together are a lethal combination for crazymaking.
Dr. Leedom just put a thread on here about bi-polar and psychopathic together, about 1/3 of bi-polar also have psychopathic. There are lots of variables, but the main one is the LIE TO COVER A LIE IN THE FACE OF IRREFUTABLE EVIDENCE EVEN.
Your assessment about the La La Land Fantasy and changing directions with the breeze are right on.
I think you are taking some giant steps!!!!! Good for you!
Dear Henry, the exN had a dozen phones, but only brought one at a time. In the end, he ‘gave’ me a phone as a ‘gift’ with all the womens phone numbers on it – how nice of him! I took the direct route, I smashed the phone with a hammer into a million pieces and enclosed it with my final letter to him, telling him what a deceitful coward he was!!.
eyesopened,
You weren’t being facetious. She really is a mess as far as her life and lifestyle goes. Coming here is giving me the courage to back away even further from these people who suck the very life out of a person. I’m not of that persuasion and I can’t relate. I’m just so weary of those who have to tell all the lurid details of their latest sexcapade, and then wonder why they aren’t getting anywhere in life and why their life keeps falling apart. I don’t have the answers but I know the One who does, but the ones I’ve dealt with don’t want to get out. They want it all. They want God’s covering on their loose lifestyle. If I can’t support what they are doing, by listening I’m giving credence to what they say. I think I’ll take a vow of silence as far as these ones go. Fingers in ears-I’m not listening. I feel calmer. If I don’t let them they can’t. I need to get that through to me.
It’s one thing to vent and seek help. I’ve done that as well as those here. Getting another person’s view sheds new light on the situation. That helps. But when these ones, who haven’t a clue as to who they really are and constantly need validated, come into my range, I’ve been turning tail and running. I didn’t use to do that. It’s getting easier to tell the real from the false. I’ve learned to not encourage them. Otherwise they just keep coming back, but they really don’t want help. They are going to have to figure it out on their own, since they don’t want to change for the better. I just point them to someone else!!
apt/mgr, eyes…it reminds me of the guy who was sitting by the healing pool asking for people to help him get into it. Jesus walks up to him and says, “do you WANT to get better?” We would think, “well thats a strange question to ask. Who WOULDNT want to get better and be healed”? But its true. some just dont want to.
The last episode with jerkboy convinced me he hit bottom. After two days of crying how sick he was and that he was going to go to AA (not that doing that would fix all his issues..its the tip of the iceberg and more a symptom of the REAL problem…but it was a start)…he never went. Last I knew, he was up at his BFF’s house at a big party drinking up a storm and manicking out. Fact is…he doesnt WANT to get well.
Indiechick,
I doubted my own sense of direction for a long time, due in fact to the one I was with who took so much from me but gave nothing in return. My husband did the pity play and at first I thought it was endearing that he trusted me that much to want my comfort.
Boy did I get a wake up call. That was the beginning of what turned into a major debacle as far as marriage and “love” was concerned.
I can reflect and see clearly what I only suspected at the time. That was 40 years ago, shortly after I met the man who became my husband. He was going to have a second hernia surgery. He was petrified. He kept saying to me that he just knew he was going to die and never recover from this simple surgery. I kept reassuring him that he made it through the others and this wouldn’t be any different. Nothing I said could help him. He went into the surgery with trepidation. When he came to, he practically bawled to know he was alive. I just couldn’t understand that. But that became a trend for us. It went to horrible extremes over the course of the years, to imagining he had bone cancer, fake heart attacks, on and on. I was running from him to my children, trying to provide comfort. It wasn’t until I backed away that I was able to see him for just what he really is. But since I backed away, he no longer calls on me for comfort. I guess he finally realized that I’m not his mother.
But I’ve learned that I’m not the savior that so many think I should be. Because I choose to work out my problems through prayer, reading, others honest opinions, lots of self help, doesn’t mean I’m here to work out their problems. When they have the audacity to tell me that I don’t know who I am and they know me better than I do myself, tells me they are the ones with the problem. They just need someone as a scapegoat. Won’t be me anymore. I don’t buy into the pity play. I don’t fall into that quagmire. I’d rather keep to myself, mind my own business and want to be left alone. Maybe I’m the one becoming anti social. I guess I’m just burnt out from the demands. I at least now know why I feel the way I do. I hear it voiced here and we all can’t be wrong.
I feel like such a fool to think he changed, i feel like such an idot to answer my phone to ever talk to him. ive never met such a heartless as***** in my life. he puts on an act of i love you or i miss you to get what he wants, to get me back to him. Everything is about him, his life, his work, his wants, his needs. HE JUST LET ME SIT THERE AND CRY MY FEAKING EYES OUT AND DIDT SAY ANYTHING, DID’T CARE HAD NOTHING TO SAY. I was bothering him. he had work to do. I cant believe myself, im more mad at myself then anything. WHY DO I KEEP LETTING HIM HURT ME????? he has no heart he feels nothing. any normal person who cared about you, would care about your feelings, and nothing else would matter. I hope he rots in hell one day, i hope he gets back all the pain he has ever caused anyone. I swear in two years i saw for the first time for real like how heartless this man is, how self centered he is. how he says he cares but shows you nothing. im so disgusted right now.
Blondie,
I’ve read all your comments, hon, and with each one I notice how closer and closer you are to recovering from the psycho.
Yes, he does not give a rat’s booty for you. You are an object, a plaything for him to be used, abused, devalued and discarded. I think the sooner you come to terms with his heartlessness, his soullessness you will begin to see how utter comtemptable he is by cruelly manipulating and controlling you. That reprehensible behavior is not NORMAL, not my idea of normal anyway. I have friends and family who treat with me with respect, concern, realistic love shown by ACTIONS very few words. That’s the real deal, doll.
I’m in agreement with your anger. Use that anger to confront, accept, and embrace the LIE that he is and always has been. You are TRUTH he is false. He has never, ever cared (because he’s incapable of admirable emotions/qualities) for your welfare, your well being and he never, ever will.
I know it hurts, Blondie, Man do I know. But continue to purge his evilness from your mind & heart with LoveFraud members, because guess what? We DO give a damn about you and will offer you the comfort, the support, the validation that your X gutter trash couldn’t.
**BIG cyber hug for sweet Blondie**
Dear Apt/Mgr
Sometimes people who continually mess up their lives and then go through all the “drama” of playing the gaime of “Oh, ain’t it awful” but THEY NEVER TAKE ANY HEALING ACTION, just go from one bad situation to another are seeking attention and “sympathy” like they didn’t have any part in the “game.”
There are people who continually set themselves up as victims and NEVER make a move to get out of the situation. I can say this because I did the same thing. I cried and moaned about how bad my son would act, but I didn’t TELL HIM TO GO TO HELL. I cried and cried about my X-BF-P (for a few months) but I didn’t kick him to the curb.
It is difficult to accept that WE ALLOW this behavior by OUR BEHAVIOR and that we are the only ones who can FIX the problem—OUR PROBLEM, which is PUTTING UP WITH ABUSE.
If you go out with a married man it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to see he is not a good bet, if he will cheat on her he will cheat on you. DUH. If you keep lending money to a person who never pays it back and you cry about them never paying it back and “lend” them more—DUH!
Accepting that I WAS RESPONSIBLE for ALLOWING myself to be victimized is NOT what I wanted to hear but it is the message I had to hear in order to S*T*O*P being a victim.
It isn’t about excusing them because I ALLOWED IT, they are responsible for doing it, but I AM responsible for allowing it to continue. I had the POWER all along to STOP the abuse cold in its tracks, but—but, in order to do so I would have had to set boundaries and then when those Psychopaths crossed those boundaries I would have had to CUT THEM OUT OF MY LIFE, and I didn’t want to do that, so I ALLOWED them to continue to abuse me.
As long as I was not really ready to accept reality of —if I ALLOW it X is going to abuse me, and if I don’t allow the abuse, X will leave me—and realize that I hadn’t lost a thing of any importance if I lost an abuser. Whether it was my mother, my father, my son, my X BF or who.
Losing an abuser is a GAIN no matter how you slice it.
And I am NOT blaming the victim here for the abuse, only stating that as long as the ABUSED is allowing the ABUSER to continue the abuse it will go on. NO one deserves to be abused, no person has a right to abuse others, but they do abuse others.
You can’t stop this woman from allowing abuse in her life, but by refusing to listen to her about it–I can almost guarentee that she will move on down the line to another person to listen to her, but until SHE is ready to STOP the abuse and get her own chit together, she will continue to live a chaotic and abused life.
I have cut out of my life people who have a continual tale of woe that they make no effort to change—I don’t listen to the tales of the third time they bailed John out of jail for beating them up by hocking their wedding rings and the kid’s college fund. I give it to them straight—I love you Sue, but as long as YOU allow John to beat you up and you bail him out of jail again and over and over, HE will not change. I think you, Sue, need to look at your responses to his abuse and see what CHANGES YOU need to make. Sugar coating it isn’t going to help her, and telling her the truth if she is not ready to listen isn’t going to help her either, but at least you don’t have to take on the role of “enabler”—it’s a fine line between helping and enablilng, between being supportive of someone who is being abused and sanctioning their own part in that abuse. We can’t save the world, we can only FIX OURSELVES and do what is right for US.
im starting to realize that i continue to let him emotionally abuse me, i keep letting him hurt me. Im also realizing that i just have to cut him out of my life. nothing is ever going to change with that man, no amount of talking will change anything. he will say he is sorry for making me cry but im sure if i let him, give it a day or two and i will cry again. i also have realize that i cant not hang out with anyone that has contact with him, and if i have to be around people that do talk to him, i must keep my personal life hidden. its hard to let that life i had with him go. it hurts and its sad. he has friends to do things with it, to go to dinner with or go on trips. i have no one but my family. i have to stop contact with him for the health of me, and whats best for me bc all he does it hurt me. i never felt so unwanted in my life today when i cryed and he did nothing and said nothing and when i left he text me ” oh thanks for helping me today” its sick how they make it about them. i sent him an email saying no more contact, no more calls, no more emails or texts and i wont be accepting your calls anymore.
thanks JaneSmith for your love and support this website helps me maintain my sanity. this is the only support i have regarding my relationship with my ex, no one understand what he does to me and the games he plays.