Most of the time we spend with sociopaths is spent in confusion. They tell us that they love us, while they cheat on us and take our money. They tell us that everything will be wonderful while our lives are falling apart. They tell us they’re sorry and will never do it again, yet they do it again, and again, and again.
We ask ourselves—what in the world is going on here?
They explain it all away. The explanation seems to make sense. But something still isn’t right, and they still don’t stop the behavior that makes us believe we are losing our minds.
There must be a reason. We wonder if they’re depressed, or bipolar, or they have low self-esteem. We’ve been told that they were abused as children. They overindulge in alcohol or drugs, and we’re sure that if they can only overcome their addiction, they’ll change.
It never happens.
We can’t figure it out.
The words that fit the behavior
Then someone says, “It sounds like he (or she) is a sociopath.” Or maybe they even use the word “psychopath.”
Sociopath! They’re the guys on The Sopranos.
Psychopath! They’re all serial killers.
But something tells us to do more research, so we go online. We buy a book. And there they are, the people who are driving us insane, perfectly described in the symptoms of a sociopath.
At Lovefraud, we hear it all the time:
“He’s got every symptom on the list!” “The description fits her to a T!”
Finally, we have a name for that person’s problem. He or she is a sociopath. A psychopath. An antisocial.
Finally, it all makes sense. The lies, the emptiness, the remorselessness, the evil. There is a reason. It is not us. It is a personality disorder.
Naming the disorder makes all the difference. Finally, we begin to understand what we are dealing with. This allows us to begin recovery.
Learn about them in school
Why do we spend so much time in confusion? Because there is no education program about this personality disorder for the general public.
I remember a story from the tsunami that struck Indonesia, Sri Lanka, India and Thailand on December 26, 2004. A vacationing family was on the beach there when the ocean suddenly receded. The little girl of the family had just finished studying tsunamis in school, and learned that the receding ocean meant that a wall of water would soon come crashing into the shore. She told her family, and they escaped to higher ground.
Sociopaths cause personal tsunamis for all of their victims. The sociopaths/ psychopaths/ antisocials of the world cause a huge percentage of all human pain, damage and devastation, yet most of the population does not know they exist. Why? Why don’t we learn about these predators in school? If we did, when we saw the symptoms, we could escape.
Arguing over terminology
Part of the problem with trying to educate people about these predators is that the mental health professionals do not agree on what to call it. First it was moral insanity. Then it was psychopath. Then it was sociopath. Then it was antisocial personality disorder.
The professionals can’t agree on how to define and diagnose the disorder, either. The American Psychiatric Association’s Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fourth Edition (DSM-IV), is supposed to be the bible for clinicians. I find its description of antisocial personality disorder to be vague and difficult to understand.
Dr. Robert Hare’s description of the symptoms of a psychopath—the term he uses—is easier to understand, and the test he developed has been consistently shown to be useful in predicting recidivism among criminals. But Hare’s criteria and evaluation are resisted by many psychiatrists. From what I’ve heard, the basis for much of the disagreement is political.
Mental health profession should come to agreement
I believe this lack of agreement is a travesty, and the professionals are actually contributing to the confusion in which the predators operate. In a way, that makes the mental health professionals complicit in the havoc wreaked by the sociopaths/ psychopaths/ antisocials—whatever we call them.
Lovefraud calls on the professional associations to solve this problem. The American Psychiatric Association, the American Psychological Association, the American Medical Association, the American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry—please, come to an agreement.
Make a decision. Define this disorder. Publicize the symptoms. Let the general public learn what to look out for.
It would help all of us keep the sociopaths/psychopaths/antisocials, the human tsunamis, from upending our lives.
When a patient has a physical problem and when they’re given a diagnois, even if the news is bad, it can be a relief of sorts. The patient and his/her family now know what they’re up against and IT has a name… IT is no longer a hodgepodge of symptoms and complaints. With a diagnosis, a doctor can begin appropriate treatment instead of addressing a multitude of symptoms. The family can unite behind the patient with support instead of doubt and uncertainty.
In other words, the guessing game is over.
So why the reluctance within the mental health community to tell it like it is? Doesn’t the family (and close friends) of the sociopath have the right to know what the problem is -just as the family of the cancer victim does.
Being labeled with a behavior problem isn’t an excuse for abuse… as those of us who have coped with them can attest to, but it does open the door for us to exit an untenable relationship.
Education would enable the victims to recognize the signs of the ‘dis-order’ and we would then be in a position to make a decision based on valid information… this can be compared to the ‘seven warning signs of cancer’ with which most people are familiar.
There is no way on God’s green earth that I would have become involved with a sociopath had I known of the signs and symptoms associated with the behavior pattern. And in retrospect, there are people in my past (friends, co-workers, bosses) from whom I would have disassociated early on.
Thank you, Wini, Swallow, AYKM, OxDrover and others for the good posts.
I first posted Monday night, he came home at 6:30 a.m. the next morning. I didn’t ask where he had been, he offered his version. As he has only been in my home for two months, and I am not his “girlfriend”, and the poor guy is broke, and he just got out of the hospital, and his life is crap, I should be understanding.
Last night, after his car was towed for parking tickets (it had a flat, wasn’t running well and using my spare and gas anyway)
I asked him to leave and go to a friends home. Knowing I would see him again, but to start the NC process.
Dear Oxy,
I wholeheartedly agree. It has taken me some time to finally say enough. I remember my own weak moments and try to be understanding, but I kept looking for a way out. I didn’t want to continue in my negative quagmire. I kept seeking answers. These ones who come into my life, try and drag me down. I am realizing since being here, these people really are the disordered ones. For this female friend and my male friend to do things or get something that I don’t have and maybe would eventually like to, to only turn around and say, “are you jealous?” I’m seeing now they want me to be only because of what they are lacking.
I don’t have a jealous bone in my body. I know my limits and being jealous is a negative emotion. Some healthy jealousy might work for a normal relationship, but I sure wouldn’t be jealous of these disordered individuals.
But I’m finding it’s so much easier to just turn my back on these people. They seem to just seek approval for there dysfunction and think they are the superior. I was just one of those “good ole boys” who wanted to do good in God’s sight. I thought my purpose was to shed light and share my faith. It doesn’t work on these ones. They don’t know how to share and without knowing they continue to take and give nothing.
I just wanted to get another opinion of this woman to see if it was her or me. I don’t seek validation for myself, but I just want to get an unbiased opinion based on the actions. My one friend said I just ask people who will agree with me. I laughed at that one because he doesn’t know me at all. I’m not that close minded that I would throw someone away without a fair hearing. But if nothing is gained, there’s no sense in beating a dead horse. It’s time to bury it.
To continue…(my computer was shuting down-too much research!)
One of his sponsorees picked him up to take him to a NA meeting. Two hours later he called me telling me he had nowhere to go. He was homeless, wasn’t I listening to him, don’t I get it! After I didn’t respond as he wanted, he hung up. I kept the phone close by as I knew he would call back. He did, and although I took his keys earlier, I told him the door would be unlocked. AUGH!!!
This man has 15 years clean, sponsers many, attends a few different group meetings where he is adored by almost everyone. I’ve learned that some women look forward to sleeping with him when he chooses them, others he uses or are wise enough, leave those groups. In his journals and in conversation, he truely seems like he wants to change. He writes: ” Please God help me, I know it’s not them, I know it’s me”, “Why can’t I be happy on my job, I let myself get fired again”, “I procrastinate with everything, all I can think about is finishing my next step and pussy”, I’m without a job and car again” “Please God my will is in your hands” This same stuff continues for 15 years. He is still waiting for change. He reads self-help books (or pretends to as part of the game-?), watchs spiritual videos etc. etc. Has he lied so much that he believes all his lies?
I have been researching and investigating (Oh the stories I will tell when I’m brave enough) since early 2007. I had NC for almost three months this past fall, then I “fell off the wagon”. Although I still wanted revenge that I could never follow through with, I was almost to the point of being okay without him.
I am calm, I know he will leave and I’ll go on with my life. I have so much… a nice home, a career I love, two healthy children (and I want to keep them this way) and my health. I worry about my health. He has had sex with well over 600 women now and if you could get him to wear a condom, he ends up taking it off. I was tested for everything last year, but continue to play with this fire. This is really sick… but I dread missing the fantastic sex more than anything else.
Hi blondie,
I, too, feel your pain as when it finally becomes apparent that what you suspected is really true and you have to somehow accept that. I’m still having reality checks that stops me in my tracks.
I spent 30+ yrs of my life trying to figure out what I was doing wrong in my marriage. My husband figuratively opened the door and threw me out and I had to find my way in the world. Through that brokenness I met this great man who I thought was my reward for what I endured in my marriage. There are some who think I purposely let this man just walk all over me. I had no idea there really were respectable people like this. I thought a sociopath was someone who was dirty, ugly, etc. Nothing prepared me for this very handsome man to notice me. I figured I must not be so bad after all, take that husband. If this man, who had several wives, saw something in me, then by gum I must be okay. The first red flag were the 3 wives. My thought was, what woman in her right mind would let this hunk go? I now know. He’s very easy on the eyes, but what he does to the mind is unspeakable. Kind of like Christie Brinkley’s husband. He was called a narcissistic jerk. That fits many I know. But the ones I’ve dealt with will never have their day in court. In fact I wouldn’t want to give credence to them and what they do. I just want to forget.
Boy what a lesson I learned. I beat myself up constantly for taking the bait. Some would call what we had an emotional affair. I didn’t. I wanted a platonic friendship, but because I was this broken hearted middle aged housewife, I was easy pickings for this man. I had no idea it was all just a stupid game. I bought into his lies and had an awful time extracting myself from that friendship. He had my heart and all my emotions. That was his goal. He knew I was attracted to him, and he used that to get money out of me. He played the poor boy, pity me ploy. He knew my husband didn’t want me, and he played on that. Anything to break me. Praise God it didn’t work. I slipped, but I didn’t fall.
But to get the money, he gained my trust and knew he had my heart. I thought he felt the same and he was going to work with me to begin a new life. He played this hard to get game with me where he stayed away from me for 7 months, but would drive by my office 3-4 times a day and call my phone but wouldn’t speak when I’d answer. Now that I have read all the stories here, I see very clearly what he was doing and just how sick his mind is. I thank God all he got out of me was some emotions and money. It was my life’s degree. I learned about men the hard way and that was through my own distorted thinking brought on by some sicko psycho.
I never knew they could play those games, but if I had any regret, it’s that I didn’t do something sooner. But I guess the important thing is that I’ve done something. It really is empowering to take back the power they had on us. My brick wall is back in place and this time I’m guarding my heart and at the first sign of something amiss, the door closes and that’s it. The first time any man ever stands me up again, will be the last time. The first lie will be the last one. If he deliberately hurts me, he’s history.
I cried rivers of tears and could have mopped floors with them. I was going through the empty nest syndrome so badly along with the truth coming out about my husband, then this friend was messing with my head, and when I tried to explain it all to my sister, she implied that I created my own hell. So my life is just about me now. I refuse to let anyone else tap dance on my forehead unless I provide the dancing shoes and the music. I, too, can look right through them, like they did me. The worm has turned. I’m not out for vengeance. I’ve just backed away and let the chips fall etc.
I’ve found that I was the needy one and because of that, I was a prime target. In order for that to not happen again, I need to be strong and be happy with me. I think people are here to share life with. We can’t encompass them or they us. I think I always knew that concept, but through the neediness of others, I lost myself. But the lost is no longer lost. The prodigal has come home. At last.
Dear Blondie:
You say you have no one but your family. I am finding that by talking about him to people is helpful. His aunt and friend see what I see and his aunts have experienced his pity parties, ego trips and destructive behavior. My best friend doesnt get “it” although she saw through him immediatly. She thinks I can just give him up and be done, she thinks the S/P is my rational for having a difficult time breaking free. This makes me do more research. Find a face to face group or something so you have an outlet to vent and cry if you need to.
apt/mgr You have inspired and calmed me many times with your writing. I just wanted to tell you that……
DEAr LIB–Congratulations on your resolve! You have had the first big step in the healing process and that is to get the jerk out of your home and your life! Good going!!! Keep coming here and learning.
Dear Louise:
I agree with you, but the problem is a lot of different things. Like with HIV, it is “secret” diagnosis and you can’t even tell a man’s wife he has it (as a medical professional) or you will be prosecuted.
Also, because there is NO CURE or even effective treatment, I think that people in the profession are loath to make such a “horrible” diagnosis and “label” someone when there is no cure or treatment available. It isn’t such a big deal with an “incurable cancer” but “mental health” issues still carry a stigma.
When I was growing up in my rural community, there was a stigma on families that had schizophrenia, and people seemed to know that it was a genetic problem (even though the medical community and mental health community put it 100% on to environment) Well, it turns out now that it IS known to be mostly genetic. Many of the mental health problems as well as other medical conditions like diabetes are now known to be genetic and/or environmental combinations.
Because there are generally no “blood tests” or “x-rays” that can document a mental health disorder and it is more “subjectively” diagnosed by observation and because so many mental health issues or symptoms can be the same symptom for any of 10 different “causes” it isn’t as clear cut as doing a blood glucose test and being able to objectively diagnosis diabetes.
Plus there are the “goodie two shoes” people who think that there is a CURE for any mental health disorder or illness and that there is “good in everyone”–(excuse me while I puke) and have a difficult time realizing that there are people who are truly EVIL.
Of course, we, as former victims of psychopaths, who know them so well have NO problem realizing that they have NO conscience, and in fact, many of them actually ENJOY sadistic pleasure from hurting us.
From the descriptions of psychopaths (though not called that) in the Old Testament of the Bible, and looking at ancient history, it is obvious that psychopaths have been with us always, and that some of them have acheived high levels in power in government etc. in terms of genetics and evolution, it has obviously not been “selected out” so in some ways must be “successful” for the survival of the critters in many if not most societies and cultures. Their uncanny ability to camouflage their intentions seems to protect them from much of the legal ramifications that would ordinarily come to someone who behaved as they do.
Unfortunately, I don’t think that society will recognize or label the Ps for what they are, and the only way I can see is to brand them on the forehead with a big letter P. (Joke!) It would be nice if we could.
Glinda –
you said “*Rule of Threes
“When considering a new relationship of any kind, practice the Rule of Threes regarding the claims and promises a person makes, and the responsibilities he or she has. Make the Rule of Three your personal policy. One lie, one broken promise, or a single neglected responsibility may be a misunderstanding. Two may involve a serious mistake. But three lies says you’re dealing with a liar, and deceit is the linchpin of conscienceless behavior. Cut your losses and get out as soon as you can. Leaving, though it may be hard, will be easier now than later, and less costly.
Do not give your money, work, secrets, or affection to a three-timer. Your valuable gifts will be wasted.”
Dr. Martha Stout, PhD Author: The Sociopath Next Door” ——
This is EXACTLY what I’ve implemented… only I call it “Three strikes and you’re OUT” b/c – as you pointed out, I don’t want to inadvertently ‘discount’ someone based on ONE potential misunderstanding or ‘bad day’.
GREAT advice! KUDOS
oops… forgot to say (and wanted to add) that the ‘3 strikes and your OUT’ method has worked VERY WELL!
Very good exercise in establishing and maintaining HEALTHY and appropriate boundaries!