Most of the time we spend with sociopaths is spent in confusion. They tell us that they love us, while they cheat on us and take our money. They tell us that everything will be wonderful while our lives are falling apart. They tell us they’re sorry and will never do it again, yet they do it again, and again, and again.
We ask ourselves—what in the world is going on here?
They explain it all away. The explanation seems to make sense. But something still isn’t right, and they still don’t stop the behavior that makes us believe we are losing our minds.
There must be a reason. We wonder if they’re depressed, or bipolar, or they have low self-esteem. We’ve been told that they were abused as children. They overindulge in alcohol or drugs, and we’re sure that if they can only overcome their addiction, they’ll change.
It never happens.
We can’t figure it out.
The words that fit the behavior
Then someone says, “It sounds like he (or she) is a sociopath.” Or maybe they even use the word “psychopath.”
Sociopath! They’re the guys on The Sopranos.
Psychopath! They’re all serial killers.
But something tells us to do more research, so we go online. We buy a book. And there they are, the people who are driving us insane, perfectly described in the symptoms of a sociopath.
At Lovefraud, we hear it all the time:
“He’s got every symptom on the list!” “The description fits her to a T!”
Finally, we have a name for that person’s problem. He or she is a sociopath. A psychopath. An antisocial.
Finally, it all makes sense. The lies, the emptiness, the remorselessness, the evil. There is a reason. It is not us. It is a personality disorder.
Naming the disorder makes all the difference. Finally, we begin to understand what we are dealing with. This allows us to begin recovery.
Learn about them in school
Why do we spend so much time in confusion? Because there is no education program about this personality disorder for the general public.
I remember a story from the tsunami that struck Indonesia, Sri Lanka, India and Thailand on December 26, 2004. A vacationing family was on the beach there when the ocean suddenly receded. The little girl of the family had just finished studying tsunamis in school, and learned that the receding ocean meant that a wall of water would soon come crashing into the shore. She told her family, and they escaped to higher ground.
Sociopaths cause personal tsunamis for all of their victims. The sociopaths/ psychopaths/ antisocials of the world cause a huge percentage of all human pain, damage and devastation, yet most of the population does not know they exist. Why? Why don’t we learn about these predators in school? If we did, when we saw the symptoms, we could escape.
Arguing over terminology
Part of the problem with trying to educate people about these predators is that the mental health professionals do not agree on what to call it. First it was moral insanity. Then it was psychopath. Then it was sociopath. Then it was antisocial personality disorder.
The professionals can’t agree on how to define and diagnose the disorder, either. The American Psychiatric Association’s Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fourth Edition (DSM-IV), is supposed to be the bible for clinicians. I find its description of antisocial personality disorder to be vague and difficult to understand.
Dr. Robert Hare’s description of the symptoms of a psychopath—the term he uses—is easier to understand, and the test he developed has been consistently shown to be useful in predicting recidivism among criminals. But Hare’s criteria and evaluation are resisted by many psychiatrists. From what I’ve heard, the basis for much of the disagreement is political.
Mental health profession should come to agreement
I believe this lack of agreement is a travesty, and the professionals are actually contributing to the confusion in which the predators operate. In a way, that makes the mental health professionals complicit in the havoc wreaked by the sociopaths/ psychopaths/ antisocials—whatever we call them.
Lovefraud calls on the professional associations to solve this problem. The American Psychiatric Association, the American Psychological Association, the American Medical Association, the American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry—please, come to an agreement.
Make a decision. Define this disorder. Publicize the symptoms. Let the general public learn what to look out for.
It would help all of us keep the sociopaths/psychopaths/antisocials, the human tsunamis, from upending our lives.
“henry says:
apt/mgr You have inspired and calmed me many times with your writing. I just wanted to tell you that—”
I ditto that!
P.S.S. – The CHRISTIE BRINKLEY trial/situation comes to mind.
I am more than just a bit ‘concerned’ that they agreed to make their trial public – I assume that this would involve agreement on both her and her ex’s part – I mean WHY subject your children to all of this publically???
BUT – I am GRATEFUL in one regard. This publically HIGHLIGHTED Narcissitic / Psychopathy live and in living color – gave a ‘poster boy’ example to the public of what NPD and what pathologically ‘disordered’ person looks like … charming, handsome AND secretive, deceptive, TOXIC.
This is re: this article: http://ap.google.com/article/ALeqM5hkup5ZpxMcuIEYOKZ_pTMDJQmB_wD91Q8NSG0
an exerpt: ” A court-appointed psychiatrist took the stand at Christie Brinkley’s divorce trial and added a dispassionate, but intimate viewpoint to a case piled high with dirty laundry.
The psychiatrist, Dr. Stephen Herman, said the model needs to examine her taste in men and that her husband, architect Peter Cook, is a narcissist with a bottomless ego. But between them, Brinkley should get custody of their two children, Herman said Tuesday.
Brinkley was cool to the idea of therapy. “I’m not sure I’m a huge fan of psychotherapy. I believe there are other ways to deal with this,” Brinkley testified Tuesday. But she added that she “would do whatever it takes to convince the court” to grant her custody of the children, 10 and 13.
Cook has admitted having an affair with a teenager who worked in his office and spending thousands of dollars on Internet pornography.
Herman had harsh words for Cook in a report for the court, saying the architect had an insatiable ego and “needs constant reassurance that he is a terrific guy.” ——————————-
loux2
Unfortunately the term ‘psychopath/sociopath’ is directly associated extreme characters like Josef Fritzl and Neil Entwistle. By the way, did anyone notice Entwistles unusually dark eyes during that extensive coverage of his trial? My psycho also had VERY dark eyes. Obviously our eye colour is mostly genetic but how many of these psychos have very dark eyes? This could be an interesting survey amonst the Lovefraud readers. Now, when I meet a person with dark or shifty eyes I am verrrrry wary … and most times I’m right!!
In my immediate circles of family and friends, the two cases, Fritzl and Entwistle, have given me opportunity to speak about this and educate them a little. Pointing out that these cases are extreme and that MOST psycho’s operate at a lesser level but are JUST AS DESTRUCTIVE, is often met with gasps of horror. e.g. The Sociopath Next Door & Snakes in Suits.
I agree completely that “professionals” worldwide, are fickle in their opinions and none can really be trusted, unless they are referring to Dr Hare or other well known specialists in this field. The Fritzl trial will start soon and I am trusting that the professioanls will in fact label him for what he is .. an extreme psychopath! Also, I’ve noticed that the minute you mention ‘psychopath’ people want to run for the hills simply because the connotation is likened to a science-fiction horror-type movie and can’t possibly touch their lives. But I continue to plant seeds by naming the characteristics and ‘red flags’ of the typical psycho.
The truth is, and I have proven this: there is currently NO other place in the world where you will receive proper information and healing than right here on Lovefraud.com! This is a fact … and the real bonus is… it’s free. Many of us have been left bankrupt by these psychos and simply cannot afford therapists exorbitant (and unjustified) fees. I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again .. the authors of this site have been a god-send to MANY of us and are to be HIGHLY commended for their work here. I saw a clinical psychologist/psychotherapistn and two visits were enough to tell me she knew ‘zilch’ about this disorder because she refused to speak about it and changed the subject everytime I brought it up.
Ladies and gents … we really are in good hands here.
Well put Buzzibee,
I’ve also had the experience of when mentioning the word psychopath people either become completley agitated and sceptical or their eyes glaze over!!! Nevertheless, I continue to educate as many people as I can and it helps when I can quote experts such as Robert Hare and Martha Stout.
As I’ve mentioned before, Lovefraud and MSN Psychopath were the only places I could get any help and information and it saved my sanity – literally.
We are all playing our part in helping others, simply by contributing to the site.
Swallow
PS Mine had dark eyes anyway but his ability to change expressions with his eyes was amazing. At times he could look at you with such longing and desire and at other times they were bottomless black holes. In the beginning he made a huge thing of asking me to look into his eyes and I’ve often wondered if psychopaths have a natural ability to hypnotise.
Swallow: Doesn’t that just gripe you to no end?!!?! People think that I’M the crazy one!!! I think it’s because they don’t know what a sociopath is! I think most people think that sociopaths are RARE and that scorned lovers are common! And, yes, I so very much know what you are talking about when you mentioned the eyes being black holes. Mine’s facial expression would even change and it was like a darkness came over him when he let his guard down. Then, he’d spread his mouth into that big exaggerated smile and put that tantalizing childish twinkle back into his eyes! When he was leaving–all I saw were the black holes and the darkness. He was finished and he didn’t have to be who I needed him to be anymore. It was SCARY!
What REALLY drives me nuts is that my ex S/N/P (whatever) has a long HISTORY of this same behavior–ever since he was a teen. He’s now almost 41! His friends and his family are very familiar with his behavior as is his new girlfriend–the one he left me for breaking up two marriages. However, they are quite certain that he’s changed “for her”. LOL! When we split, they scratched their heads and told me how they were so sure that he had changed for me! It’s these people who give sociopaths power by their continuing to believe in them! It’s fuel for their engines and food for their egos! People need to be educated and then they could more easily recognize that there is a very serious problem that NO ONE can fix!
Tami,
One of things that has hurt me most since getting away from the P are the people that know him and the OW who conned me out of $60,000 and who haven’t got the guts to tell them what they think or don’t want to believe it. Every time I hear of them being treated like ‘normal’ people’ it is like being given an electric shock and makes me soooooooooooo angry. If it was not for these cowardly enablers, those two con artists could not have got away with it.
Innocent bystanders cannot be blamed for not seeing through it but when you know and still turn a blind eye it is unforgiveable. The only good thing about it is I now know who my real friends are and who has a bit of moral fibre!
The best quote I ever had from him which revealed all was ” You can hate me but don’t forget me” He should have NARCISSIST tatooed on his forehead. Even then, there would probably be some ignoramous asking “why does that lovely guy have the name of a flower written on his head?”!!
Swallow
To Henry and eyesopened,
I send my thanks back to you. Just seeing my thoughts put into words from others validates what I went through. I see the ones I’ve dealt with on this site. I’m not nuts!! I’ve always been one who has done a self analysis. I want to know when I stand before God, there are no surprises. I can freely admit I did or did not do something. That was how I approached my relationships. I assumed it was the same for the other party. Nothing in my life to that point prepared me for being used so badly. Had they started out that way from the get go, I would have run. I couldn’t have asked for a man to have treated my any nicer than my husband did when I met him and the year and half we went together before we married.
I just figured it would get better and better and having children would complete that picture. Boy was I wrong. I’m just so thankful we all survived. I never felt so helpless and hopeless as I did in those years. I don’t ever want to feel that way again. I have no desire to control someone else, but I will have control as to what they can do to me. I won’t relinquish control of me to another person, unless I’m incapacitated and can’t help myself. I can no longer share freely like I use to. My armor is on and I’m ready in a moments notice to fight back if need be.
I have drawn strength from all here when I read what you all endured. It gives me courage to stand up for myself, as I now see the ones in my life as really messed up. They have the problem. Not me. I don’t say that boastfully, but it’s just a fact. I don’t go around taking, exploiting, manipulating, etc. I know that. But I feel so free now. I don’t have to have sex with someone just to have them as a friend. It’s my body and my sexuality is my own. It doesn’t prove a thing other than to give them a boost, but leaves me empty. When they use sex as a ploy to gain my trust to just use me, then when the newness is gone, they seek another, I find that appalling. There’s too much perverseness in so many people today.
There is power in resisting. I love the idea of having strength. Self control is to be admired. I’m now seeing this friend as a very weak individual who thinks his strength is in his sexual prowess. The female friend too. They have to constantly prove themselves but all they are doing is showing a side that indicates weakness. I admire all here who have resisted. I want to pattern my life after that. I want the no contact. I don’t have to be available. They don’t care for me one way or the other. They just want to use me to make themselves feel better. So they think.
I feel so bad for those here who are just starting out on this freedom ride. I would go no contact then start to feel guilty then I’d open the door again to more of the same stupid games. That’s all they know. I love the intelligence that is represented here. I really enjoy seeing the results of those who’ve resisted and see the strength that comes through the writings. I draw on that for me. I’ve always been an avid reader and I have mental images of pictures that are painted here. The pictures go from darkness to sunshine. That was my life too. I shudder when I reflect on those dark days. Days of deep despair where I didn’t think the sun would shine for me again. I thought my laughter was gone for good. I always had a sense of humor, but it was lost for so long. It’s back and I don’t intend to waste it on those who have none.
I see humor here. That’s a good thing. To take what was so evil and turn it into a comedy lightens the load. Once the dust settles, the clouds disappear, the sun shines. It’s taken a considerable amount of time, but the sun is shining for me. I’m back and it feels so good. Still moments of indecision, but very brief. I remember and don’t want to go there again. I prefer the light.
I only wish that someone had said “sociopath” to me. I would have done the research, realized that’s what I was dealing with, and left before the real damage was done.
It took me 4 years after leaving to stumble upon this website and it saved my mind. I finally understood. The problem was/is that when I talk to other people about it, they are skeptical. I couldn’t agree more with this blog.
when we first started dating, i wish i would of known all of this information, i would of left a long long time ago. one time when i was staying at his house, and i went home for the night and then i came over unannouced, i found all my stuff that i had at his house missing. he packed it all up and hid it outside bc he had another female over. ive never told anyone this story and i feel like crap the fact that i even took him back after that. i didt know what a sociopath was i never even heard the word. that was a red flag and i didt listen. i knew that something was wrong more then just the normal. im glad i found this website it brings me back to reality!!!
I don’t watch tv, but when I was being S’ed, I happened to walk past the tv when it was on at his house and it was a re-enactment story about two teenaged boys who approached a couple in their home under a pretense of selling something and then just killed them.
The narrator described their ruthlessness, heartlessness and lack of empathy and called them…sociopaths.
My mind just clicked when I heard that and I thought, “that feels like what the S must be” but the S had never killed anyone, had never been in jail, but was actually a big fish in his little pond. So, I dismissed looking into sociopathy but it did always stay in mind. I think that was a little gift from God because when I was searching for answers, I Googled socios and found this site.