Editor’s note: The following article refers to spiritual concepts. Please read Lovefraud’s statement on Spiritual Recovery.
By Joyce Alexander, RNP (retired)
While I am a Christian in belief, I also read about the beliefs of various other religions and philosophies because I think there are valuable lessons in the writings of each of them.
Lately as I have been increasing my study of “mindful” meditation. Since this was first practiced by Buddhists, there were some interesting points about Buddhist beliefs brought up by the author in a book I read called Mindfulness for Beginners by Jon Kabat-Zinn. This book is about mindful meditation for stress reduction, and is not a religious work.
In the Buddhist tradition, the causes of unhappiness are Greed, Aversion and Delusion. I am going to expound on these three a bit.
Greed
Greed is our desire to have something which we think will make us happy, be it a new car, a career as a singer, or to have someone love us. We have this big desire for something; anything. Actually, that feeling of unrequited desire can definitely cause unhappiness.
I think about how “greedy” I was that my children would grow up to be successful men, happy, caring and loving men. How much unhappiness did I bring on myself for having this “greed”? I think about how I spent so much time wanting to be loved by the psychopaths in my life.
Jon Kabat-Zinn says:
That doesn’t mean we cannot desire things or that we should not have goals or ambitions. It simply reminds us that we generate less suffering in ourselves and others when we are aware of how attached we may be to our desires and then let that awareness modulate our thoughts, emotions and actions.
Aversion
Aversion is the flip side of greed. Aversion comes from whatever you don’t want, don’t like, and/or would like to change. Many emotions are encompassed in aversion; anger, rage, fear, hate, and even smaller emotions like being irritable or resentful. In learning about aversion, in other words, being unhappy at how things are, I have spent too much of my life being unhappy because the world wasn’t what I wanted it to be. By acknowledging that the world or situation isn’t what I want, but not allowing those emotions to overwhelm me, I can spend less time being unhappy.
The author says:
Mindfulness of aversion is profoundly healing, because it offers us a way to at least momentarily dissolve the self-imposed but unconscious straight jacket of such automatic and unconscious reactions ”¦ it allows us to see that we have very real choices ”¦ and whether we are really better off with our emotional reaction.
Delusion
Delusion, or the trap of self-fulfilling prophecies, is the exact opposite of wisdom. This is believing what we want to believe rather than seeing the reality. This delusion, this illusion, is what keeps us welded to the psychopath and believing that they will change.
The author says about Delusion:
We can always marshal any evidence we want in support of a particular view and then believe it even if it is patently not true.
Boy, if that doesn’t sum up the delusional life I led trying to believe what I wanted to believe about the psychopaths in my life!
Overcoming the unhappiness
However, we do not have to fall prey to any of these problems, we can control how we react to whatever is happening in our lives, good, bad or indifferent. I’ve realized in the last few months I have engaged in all three of these toxic things in my personal life and I have suffered for it in stress reactions, poor health, poor sleep, and depression. But I am determined to dig myself out of the abyss in which I have sunk by doing what I know is good for me, what I already know to do, and to study other positive things I can apply to my life. I am not powerless. Knowledge is power….if you use it.
Dr. Viktor Frankl lost everything except his life in a Nazi prison camp. After he was released, he wrote in his book, Man’s Search for Meaning, “everything can be taken from a human being but one thing— the last of the human freedoms—to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances; to choose one’s own way.”
Truthspeak,
Maybe even more honest would be that I wanted to see his obituary!
I have only googled him once, since the unmasking 5 years ago. It was all hearts and flowers and poems and spiritual enlightenment. So, in that regard, I learned my lesson. Truth is not found in his relentless self-promotion.
KatyDid….I really understand when you say you worked hard to actually get into a fixed state of delusion (I added ‘fixed’, but that is what it feels like, to me, to try and maintain that level of delusion). I have always been pretty darned good at getting myself into a state of delusion, especially when it came to love relationships.
But even that didn’t work. They like that we’ll uphold their masks for them, and buy into their bullshit 150%. But they will still spath us. There is no reward, or perfection, that quells their disordered need for more.
And that is exactly what it is when we lose ourselves so completely….Hell.
That feeling of being ‘nowhere’, and not having a map or compass is the scariest of scares. Just typing this brings up so much gratitude in me for not being in that lonely place.
Just being is good.
One of my greatest problems now is wishing things are not like they are. Aversion. OH, how I wish I could change reality. I’m no longer delusional but I’m greedy to change things….things I can’t change.
Wanting to find out about their failure or read their obit I think is normal human response, but at the same time, siting here waiting for and wishing for the prison to notify me that Bubba took a shank and cut Patrick’s throat isn’t good for me either. So I do my best to dampen down my own desire to see vindication, to even see justice. I know, I trust, that at some point they will all meet a JUST JUDGE that will meet out the sentences they deserve and it is not my job to say when or how that will happen. My job is to do my best to be the kind of person I wish they were.
I know how you feel Oxy. Most of my night was spent thinking about changing things I cannot change. I can’t erase psychopathy from the world. I can’t stop the men at the top from hurting the masses at the bottom. I can’t clean up every ocean and save every doggie and kitty that needs a home.
I think, mostly, I can clean up MY mess. Do all the things you have been writing about this week: exercising, eating well, connecting with friends, giving to others….etc…
Creating well being for ourselves is not passive, it is active. And when we are well, the world feels it.
True words ‘my job is to do my best to be the kind of person I wish they were’.
I did ALL three. And I am NOT excusing my X! husband the spath for what he did. But when I was SO unhappy I wanted to die, I am the one who insisted on trying to FIX things so I could Live my Delusion.
I agree with You Slimone, Oxy’s words to live by, pure gold:
My job is to do my best to be the kind of person I wish They were. BAM. Truth. Short and sweet. Perfect for me and all the other squirrels (nutcases – it’s a private joke) who are running around trying to figure out their lifes mission
Wow. Excellant thread. Reminds me of many things I learned through a 12 step program. Slim, we used the acronym “HALT” which reminds us that it is unsafe to allow ourselves to become too Hungry, Angry, Lonely, or Tired, because it lowers our resistance. Oxy, your essay about mindfulness reminds me that,”acceptance is the key to ALL of my problems, today”, which is not to say that I accept the unacceptable, but that I accept that the unacceptable is happeneing, and also, that I cannot control other folks. I cannot cure anybody…all I can do is clean up my own side of the street. And finally, I am reminded that, “self centered fear is the primary activator of ALL my charactor defects….fear of not getting what I want or losing what I have…..the only way to get rid of self centered fear is to find a way to actively develope faith.
Wonderful article, and great comments. Thanks.
great article oxy
very good comment kim
make’s me ponder ->( self centered fear )
Thank you! Mindfulness is something worked on…so easily taken back to the past hurts (as they so impact the now still for us). Indriya is the goal. This helps!! The teflon coat of reality keeps us going forward … and helps repel the negative reactions so easy to surface. Thank you again! Will be reading more on this…!
I am so glad I joined this site and am receiving the articles. When I read one of Jon-Kabat Zinn’s first books about 9 months ago, everything began to change inside me. I immediately ordered his pain CDs and his book: Mindfulness for Depression. I have PTSD and Depression. They were caused by a lot of things, but got worse after I let a Sociopath move into my attached garage apartment. He was an old boyfriend I had gotten rid of once. But, life had hit me hard and I wanted to pay off my house. He was SO charming when he called me every few months. I feel like he got a lot worse, but maybe that was just denial. I needed the money and he really convinced me that he would be so helpful compared to a stranger for a room mate. Now, he is older and falling apart physically. It is challenging. However, it also has given me more leverage. What can a sociopath with a walker do when you walk away?!
I have been trying to practice Mindfulness and trying to get my mind on studying these horrible “types” and it is helping tremendously. I have read hundreds of self help books. Jon Kabat-Zinn’s are among the very best. I highly recommend Mindfulness….especially if you are still around one of these terrible people. Some days are awful. But, when I practice Mindfulness, I can look at my current situation in an observing type of way that helps so much. I don’t let the sociopath’s actions or words define me nearly as much.
I am very grateful for this site. Thank you.
Dear fightforwhatsriight,
I used to meditate in what is about the same way as “mindfulness” and it was so helpful, but I let it slip and quit it, and I decided duriing a recent “melt down” I’ve had to read about mindfulness, and give it a try, was recommended by a PhD that does research on how our emotions CHANGE the brain itself and according to his research mindful meditation actually changes the brain in as little as 8 weeks—how cool iis that?!!!
Glad you found your way here I will think of you when I do my daily meditations. Again, welcome and God bless.
“everything can be taken from a human being but one thing— the last of the human freedoms—to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances; to choose one’s own way.”
I’m hanging on to this. It’s the key, I think.