Editor’s note: The following article refers to spiritual concepts. Please read Lovefraud’s statement on Spiritual Recovery.
By Joyce Alexander, RNP (retired)
While I am a Christian in belief, I also read about the beliefs of various other religions and philosophies because I think there are valuable lessons in the writings of each of them.
Lately as I have been increasing my study of “mindful” meditation. Since this was first practiced by Buddhists, there were some interesting points about Buddhist beliefs brought up by the author in a book I read called Mindfulness for Beginners by Jon Kabat-Zinn. This book is about mindful meditation for stress reduction, and is not a religious work.
In the Buddhist tradition, the causes of unhappiness are Greed, Aversion and Delusion. I am going to expound on these three a bit.
Greed
Greed is our desire to have something which we think will make us happy, be it a new car, a career as a singer, or to have someone love us. We have this big desire for something; anything. Actually, that feeling of unrequited desire can definitely cause unhappiness.
I think about how “greedy” I was that my children would grow up to be successful men, happy, caring and loving men. How much unhappiness did I bring on myself for having this “greed”? I think about how I spent so much time wanting to be loved by the psychopaths in my life.
Jon Kabat-Zinn says:
That doesn’t mean we cannot desire things or that we should not have goals or ambitions. It simply reminds us that we generate less suffering in ourselves and others when we are aware of how attached we may be to our desires and then let that awareness modulate our thoughts, emotions and actions.
Aversion
Aversion is the flip side of greed. Aversion comes from whatever you don’t want, don’t like, and/or would like to change. Many emotions are encompassed in aversion; anger, rage, fear, hate, and even smaller emotions like being irritable or resentful. In learning about aversion, in other words, being unhappy at how things are, I have spent too much of my life being unhappy because the world wasn’t what I wanted it to be. By acknowledging that the world or situation isn’t what I want, but not allowing those emotions to overwhelm me, I can spend less time being unhappy.
The author says:
Mindfulness of aversion is profoundly healing, because it offers us a way to at least momentarily dissolve the self-imposed but unconscious straight jacket of such automatic and unconscious reactions ”¦ it allows us to see that we have very real choices ”¦ and whether we are really better off with our emotional reaction.
Delusion
Delusion, or the trap of self-fulfilling prophecies, is the exact opposite of wisdom. This is believing what we want to believe rather than seeing the reality. This delusion, this illusion, is what keeps us welded to the psychopath and believing that they will change.
The author says about Delusion:
We can always marshal any evidence we want in support of a particular view and then believe it even if it is patently not true.
Boy, if that doesn’t sum up the delusional life I led trying to believe what I wanted to believe about the psychopaths in my life!
Overcoming the unhappiness
However, we do not have to fall prey to any of these problems, we can control how we react to whatever is happening in our lives, good, bad or indifferent. I’ve realized in the last few months I have engaged in all three of these toxic things in my personal life and I have suffered for it in stress reactions, poor health, poor sleep, and depression. But I am determined to dig myself out of the abyss in which I have sunk by doing what I know is good for me, what I already know to do, and to study other positive things I can apply to my life. I am not powerless. Knowledge is power….if you use it.
Dr. Viktor Frankl lost everything except his life in a Nazi prison camp. After he was released, he wrote in his book, Man’s Search for Meaning, “everything can be taken from a human being but one thing— the last of the human freedoms—to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances; to choose one’s own way.”
dorothy2
Discovering…….one of the things that has REALLY helped me is crying. I used to try not to cry but I refuse to hold back on that anymore. I actually like the way I feel after I cry,,,,,,cleansed. And tired, good tired.
Speaking of which…..good night to you! I’m really looking forward to sleep tonight!
🙂
bluemosaic
After I work today…I am going boxing. Yep, on a real bag. Then I am going to park…and spend some time with trees, screaming at them and cry my eyes out. Then I will have tea with friend. That is my plan for taking care of me today. Thanks to all of you here…you have all helped me hold onto the shreds left of my sanity. Bless you all,
Blue
dorothy2
Great plan Blue. GREAT plan!!
Louise
Blue:
Boxing sounds great. I am going to try Krav Maga. Kind of the same thing…Israeli fighting technique. Anything to heal. Looking forward to therapy.
Tea Light
I’m trying sitting on my bottom eating easter egg therapy next week. I’m looking forward to it. It won’t be a walk in the park, but I’m prepared to commit fully to it.
Louise
Tea Light:
Hi!! Good to see you. I was thinking about your Easter trip and hope you have a wonderful time! How are you feeling? x
Tea Light
Hi Lou I’m currently worn out, up at 5am, it’s lunch time here now. Trying to pick myself up with a cup of tea and a cheese sandwich. I had counseling yesterday. I feel I need a dual approach to my recovery . I like my counselor’s approach, it’s very spirituality based, and he’s given me a lot of good signposts to mindfulness, Kabat-Zinn, Christian meditation. Frankl, and so on. We have very interesting discussions about spiritual matters which are a comfort to me. But I think I also need some psychotherapy. That is not his approach. So I may end up going to two counselors. gah! what a life. Not off on my hols for a week yet, and it’s like the depths of winter in the UK, horrendous snow and freezing winds!! x
Tea Light
Lou am also going to try a radical new therapeutic approach to healing. It’s called pink shoe therapy. In essence, it involves sourcing and purchases and wearing pink shoes. Cos them’s purdy.l x
Louise
Tea Light:
Sigh. Sorry. Are you still on antibiotics? I am done with mine now. I do feel better, but had a nosebleed yesterday morning…a bit scary, but I am pretty sure it was from the dry climate in Utah, but why happen four days after I was home?? I still have a small, lingering cough, but other than that, I am better.
That sounds like a good therapy approach. Hey, it’s OK if you have to see two counselors. At this point, I think anything we can do to heal is worth it and “OK!!” Nothing has worked for me in the past, but something will.
It’s still very much winter here also despite it being spring now. It will get here. I bet in a few weeks, it will be very warm. Everyone here is having a fit about the weather. It looks like we are actually supposed to get six inches of snow this Sunday! Not good…I am meant to volunteer in the children’s ministry that day at church (I do the fourth Sunday of every month), but if we get the snow, I don’t think I will be going. It’s too far to drive. Enjoy your lunch. x
Tea Light
Lou blimey don’t drive to the kids’ event in heavy snow! That’s beyond the call of duty. They can have fun making snow angels etc at home. I had ..amocy.. something? For 5 days, finished them now, but irritatingly still bunged up and can’t breathe properly. My chest has cleared though and am no longer coughing so that’s good. Lol! We’re like a couple of seniors!! Love you you my dear x