UPDATED FOR 2021. Lovefraud received the following email from a reader whom we’ll call Alfred. The subject line of his email was, “A moral obligation?”
I’m two years removed from the brutal break-up with my ex-spath and all in all, can say I’m doing quite well and have recovered nicely! It was a LONG journey to get to the place I’m at and it’s a relief to be there after two years of continual obsessing and ruminating – I’ve finally reached the point where I just don’t care anymore. The shock of what I had in my life for 14 years has finally dissipated – the last emotion to go.
That being said, I know I still have some work to do on myself as evidenced by my need to periodically check-up on my ex via social media. I like to think I do so to stay ahead of the game but there’s certainly a thirst to quench my curiosity over what has become of the monster. Not only is he a textbook spath, but he’s also a crystal meth addict! I did a little online research and am now pretty certain that he is dating the person he was triangulating me with towards the end of our relationship. My dilemma is, do I warn that person? There are good reasons in the yes and no columns and I just don’t know what to do.
In the ‘No’ column:
- This person/new source was possibly knowingly having an affair with my ex with the knowledge that he was in a “monogamous” relationship so he’ll eventually get what he deserves when he becomes the discarded.
- My ex very likely lives a miserable life with few friends/subjects and is in a constant battle vs. his drug addiction – I have some fear about him harming himself as a result of any action I might take and I do not want to be or feel responsible for that.
- No Contact has been in place for a year and a half and my stirring the pot, even if I did it anonymously, could be detrimental to me and my continued recovery, as it’s likely my ex would know who was responsible.
In the ‘Yes’ column:
- Even though I won the end game (he got $0 from me after I discovered and exposed his drug addiction to his family and close “friends”) and threatened his career (he works with children!), delivering another blow to him would feel really good in many ways.
- The new “source” is quite possibly the naive guy I once was who has been completely love-bombed and deceived as I was and as a good person, I have a moral obligation to try to warn him.
I guess what I’m really trying to figure out is, would I be doing this for myself or the new target? Any advice for me?
Think of yourself first
Alfred,
Congratulations on getting away from the sociopath, on maintaining No Contact, and on your tremendous progress towards recovery.
Many, many people write to Lovefraud with exactly the same question: Do I have a moral obligation to warn the next victim? Your analysis is thoughtful, and shows awareness of your conflicting motivations.
Here’s what I think: Your first moral obligation is to yourself.
Read more: Is your partner a sociopath?
Your primary concern is your own safety, recovery and peace of mind. If reaching out to the next victim puts you in jeopardy in any way, don’t do it. If the sociopath will retaliate, if you’re worried about being drawn back into the vortex, if just thinking about what to do triggers you, you probably should not get involved.
On the other hand —
But there are other considerations. One of the prime reasons why sociopaths are able to continue their marauding ways is because no one talks about what they do. As a society, we don’t talk about the fact that human predators live among us. On a personal level, keeping quiet about exploiters we know allows them to get away with their cruel, and sometimes criminal, behavior.
So I think that if you can warn someone safely, you should do it.
If you warn, one of three things will happen:
- The target will believe you and take your warning seriously.
- The target will not believe you, probably because he is being love bombed, and the sociopath has already convinced him that you are the crazy, psycho ex.
- The target will not believe you right away, but will remember your warning when the sociopath’s mask slips and he starts to see the exploitative behavior.
If you are going to warn, you need to be fine with whatever happens. If the target does not believe you, you need to be able to shrug and say to yourself, “I tried.”
Another possible option is to not do anything immediately, but wait to see if an opportunity arises.
Sooner or later, the new target will experience the sociopath’s manipulation, deceit and possibly abuse. At that point, he may reach out to you, and be much more receptive to your message. It may be a good time to talk about your experience, as long as you can do it safely.
Moral obligation
So do we have a moral obligation to warn the next victim?
As I said, I believe our highest moral obligation is taking care of ourselves. We are all on our own journey, and our top priority is our own learning, growth and healing.
But being able to warn another person may be a step in our own growth. We may feel that the best thing for our own journey is to take a stand.
In the end, to warn or not to warn a question we must all answer for ourselves.
Lovefraud originally published this article on Nov. 17, 2014.
Breaking Toxic Relationship Patterns
I was one who did contact the next victim. I was out of our relationship for over a year. For whatever reason, I found out who he had actually left me for. I left a message for her via FB. Long story short, she did contact me and shared that he had lied to her also. I found out more information than I had ever expected. Turns out he was lying to me more than I even knew. But to her and her friends, he pinned me as the crazy one. By contacting her, the entire experience did take a toll on me emotionally and physically. So many thoughts and feelings from the lying, cheating and manipulation I suffered from my relationship with him surfaced. I worked through it, but it took some time.
My warning to her fell on deaf ears. Despite what I shared with her and despite the fact that she knows he lies, she said she loved him and he loved her. She had her mind made up.
It has now been almost three years since I’ve been out of this relationship. At this point, I don’t care what happens to him. I look at it like this….she is NOT lucky to have him. If that’s the best she thinks she can do, well then, that’s up to her. I feel like I’m the lucky one to have survived all of this. I have become a much stronger, wiser version of myself. I wish the same healing for everyone here!
cannh, while I didn’t warn someone, I did have a similar experience and completely share your view that talking to them took a toll on me emotionally and physically.
About a year after the final discard, a friend alerted me to some articles in the local newspaper about the agency he had worked for being sued by two women that had worked for him due to his sexual harassment which eventually led him to cause them to lose their jobs (he was a manager and their supervisor). Since I had worked there at one time and knew these women casually, I decided to contact them and see what was what. I admit at the time, my primary motivation was hoping to find out that he was being punished for this. I talked to two of the women and like you, found out more information that I had ever expected or dreamed, including that the worst of this harassment was going on during the time we were buying our dream home together, and that he had been “dating” women in the office throughout our relationship. I was very sickened to hear of his abhorrent behavior in the workplace. He did lose his job over it (publicly he retired, and that is what he told me), but not without getting a nice payoff. They essentially paid him to make him go away.
It’s been a little over three years since the final discard, and like you, at this point, I don’t care what happens to him, and I rarely think about the relationship anymore. I am focused on rebuilding my life that he did his best to destroy, and it hasn’t been easy.
I think Donna’s advice is right on target and I’ll add that the wild card is you can’t really predict how it will impact you when you talk to that person”you put yourself at emotional risk. For me, when I talked to them I wasn’t pining for him, and I was gaining some emotional distance. To find out things that had been going on behind my back both reinforced my resolve to move forward and set me back at the same time, as it caused me to replay a lot of tapes, trying to piece together what was happening when. His family had become my family, and I was still trying to hold on to some of them and did share this information with them – it turns out, they had seen the articles too. Shortly after, I decided for my own good, I needed to cut ties with them all and haven’t spoken to any of them since.
We ARE the lucky ones to have survived all this and that it is behind us.
From personal experience:
95% of the time your warning falls on deaf ears. The latest target(s) have already heard that YOU are “the enemy” (for various reasons). In attempting to explain the spath’s behavior to this new target you’ll unfortunately, unintentionally sound like you ARE “crazy”. Also, jealous, etc.
I did this practically EVERY time I found out there was somebody else- in 5 years only ONE person out of perhaps 12 bothered to consider that MAYBE things weren’t as it seemed. (We eventually became really good friends.)
In fact I saved tape recordings of phone messages a couple of gal pal’s had left on my machine AFTER they found out The Truth. They actually apologised. …and I’d upload these recordings if I could right here!
Hi all
Not only did I contact the next victim’s estranged husband I also contacted my Spath’s place of employment.
I did not do it to throw a spanner in the works, I did it because I felt what he had done at work was wrong (to which his employers agreed and went with the necessary action but did not fire him).
I did it because morally, ethically and all that he should not have got away with what he did despite me and his former boss knowing about it (he is in the military). I ended up writing to the top about what he had done as the former boss retired. The military wrote back thanking me and told me that they would not use names and would use as a just standard check when they spoke with him…
Finding current victim’s estranged husband quite easily and I told him that although he and his wife are no longer together it was in both their interests…(they are worth a lot more money than me) to know about this man and how he can appear to be a wonderful person etc.. Surprisingly the estranged husband wrote back and for a short while we kept in touch. He has my contact details should he need me down the track but after all the issues that I brought up with him, he asked if he could share them with her as his children are with her and this spath could have easily moved in. I reluctantly agreed but told him that there is a high chance that she won’t believe me…
Interestingly enough when I started to realise that something was odd about the spath, I met and made friends with his first girlfriend that was on his Facebook. She told me a lot about what he was like back in the old days and told me he was rather selfish and a bit odd. She even phoned me from overseas and told me that it sounded like our relationship was starting to get toxic which sadly it was…
It was around that I had no knowledge of people who were narcissistic etc.. Those kind of people had never entered my world… until him. I had never heard of the word ‘narcissistic’. My parents just thought of him as selfish and just thinking of himself and not us together.
But back to his old flame, she got a marriage proposal from him when they were younger and she, well she declined after a lengthy relationship like ours.. His marriage was born after he got an Asian girl pregnant and ended up a househusband to her and their child before she turfed him out after 14 years. She got sick of him not really pulling his weight.
To cut a long story short I am pleased I had the chance to do what I did. It’s likely that the current victim may start to see the cracks in the relationship at some point. They were seeing each other on the quiet before I got told by him that he had met up with her after so many years and how I should be happy for him (apparently they went to school together). Estranged husband said she left him in the May of the same year whereas I found out in the February so it was pretty sad hearing that these two had got together earlier than what I initially thought. He and I were together for almost the better part of six years. He was one of those that asked for a laid back relationship and I was the one who wanted so much more. I have not had another relationship since our split two years ago. I have focused all my energies on myself and although it does feel weird at times I know thats what I need to do if I am to heal.
I have just finished my four year degree last week and are pretty chuffed about that so that is a plus for me but after two years my mind still wanders back to him and what he could be doing and how he is perhaps still sweet talking her and trying to convince her that he is ‘the one’. I loved this man just as you have all loved your men and women but I know that this was a lie and that in many respects I wish I had never met him. He chased me for ages before I agreed to actually go out for a coffee with him and when he got me, it started off blissfully before he said he was only wanting something laid back and after two years “I love you but I am not in love with you” and then after four years “we are just good friends” to “of course we are in a relationship and then…whatever that may be”… I look back now and see how blind I was and every time I went to leave, he would do something that would snap me back in with him again.
Sex was brilliant but the relationship was holding together with a thread and like many of you it took its toll on my health and I had an angina attack whilst walking to work.. cripes I was not near 40 then! (I am 41 now). I am usually healthy and walk at least 5 kilometres a day.. but I digress, if you feel that you want to write a letter expect some sort of complications. This man has not come back and ranted down the phone at me, arrived on my doorstep or anything like that. But I think he may do one day, he always said that his daughter and I were the only two that really knew him.. and then after that he would say, ” I hardly know myself”. There were often little comments that made you think when he spoke it was those after thought words that made me think twice…
I will leave it there and I look forward to reading more on this subject.
Best wishes and keep safe everyone.
I’ll be brief and to the point: I believe that my ex likely murdered his girlfriend so YES!!!! I wish I’d talked to her first. It’s not like she didn’t know what she was getting into……I just wish I talked to her first.
My ex told me that he would have his ex wife killed if he received a settlement from a car accident as it’s written in the divorce papers. It also states that if he receives SSI disability claim back pay(that was recently approved) that she is entitled to half. He went into detail about how this would happen.
I am terrified to get involved but feel he is capable of it.
Help!
What you describe sounds very serious and very frightening.
Are you his second ex and she is his first ex? How long ago was your divorce from him? How long ago did he say this? What was the context? Do you speak to him often? Do you have any idea why he said this to you? Spaths do everything for a manipulative purpose, so if he told you this threat, it is for a reason. What do you think he is trying to achieve?
I don’t really understand about the settlement. Does the divorce decree call for him to share the settlement with his ex wife if he receives it, and he’ll have her murdered so he doesn’t have to share it? When will he find out whether he gets the settlement? If he doesn’t get anything, then the threat is moot.
I understand what you mean about being capable of murder. I don’t know as my ex ever has or would murder someone, but I know that if it suited his purpose and he believed he could get away with it, he could kill anyone.
Consider whether you can report the threat to the police and/or the ex wife and keep yourself safe. Can you stay with friends out of town where he can’t find you for a long time?
I understand how scary it is to get involved, after all if he would kill one person he would kill any person. I also understand how frightening it is to do nothing and risk the ex wife getting harmed.
Prayers for your safety, and hers.
I am the ex girlfriend his divorce was recerecent the ex wife was living in Florida where they resided together but now she moved back to Chicago where he and I both live. He had been in a serious car accident and there was a potential for a very large settlement of money so she had that written into the divorce papers that if he received anything because the accident happened while they were married that she was to receive half. Also while they were married he applied for SSI because of his heart condition and if there was to be any back pay she would be entitled to half of that he was just approved about 2 weeks ago but since we have had no contact I don’t know if he got the back pay or not I do find it disturbing that this woman had lived in Florida for 25 years. No 3 months after the divorce she decides to move back to Chicago to allegedly take care of her elderly mother even though her older son and sister both live with the elderly mother I have no idea what’s going on there I don’t want to get involved I think my expath has been in contact with her since she moved back to Chicago which he totally denies but I don’t believe him just like everything else he tells me I think this was actually part of making it easier for me to maintain no contact. as if things were not weird enough in our relationship even morestrange if that’s even possible when she arrived here a few weeks agoI was dreading her coming here because I knew that there would be more drama. My suspicions were correct things got really out of control the very day that she arrived he became arrived . he became even more controlling and irrational and the head games were just too much I actually reached out to Donna by phone because I just need to get away. I will write more later about the details and they’re very chilling
The previous reply was actually done on Google voice as I was getting ready for work this morning.
He told me that she would not get a penny of any settlement that he received. He told me that he knows “a guy”. She will never be found. He definatly has a shady past and has and is still involved with more than a handful of shady characters. He has 2 children with this woman and I’m not sure if he meant it or not. I have reached out to her one time and told her that we should talk. I told her that if I did not hear back from her that I would never contact her again and I mean it. I don’t want to get pulled into the drama. His family recognizies that he is “a bit off’ but will always cover for him even though I have been told “you are the best think that ever happened to him”. I am and they will still lie. Those brothers stick together like glue.
I have already heard from mutual friends that I am the crazy one now…
I am so glad that i fund this website because we were on the verge of HIM MOVING INTO MY HOME! Yikes. Thank goodness that did not happen.
By the way, I did get a chance to meet the mother of 7 BOYS…from the stories I had heard about his father I always thought he got his “illness” from his deceased father but meeting the mother confirmed that her genetics play a hugh part in his personality disorder.
The mother, old and frail actually bragged about never having a stretch mark after 7 pregnancies.
In our brief half hour meeting she warned me on my way out”don’t let him get away with that”. I didnt even need to ask what she meant.
Strong, it sounds like you are being drawn in to his insanity. Do you have any idea why he would talk to you about his murder threats? Could he be setting you up to manipulate you into trying to warn his ex? It does sound creepy.
Your first priority is your safety. Can you stop having any contact with him without a dramatic scene, ie can you just fade away from his focus, by letting him know you’re going away somewhere boring, or being very busy doing boring things, or too tired to talk, or something that he would buy so he will leave you alone? I think it would be good if you could get somewhere he doesn’t know where you are for awhile.
If you can maybe anonymously warn his ex wife, and do it without jeopardizing your safety, then maybe do so. You may be in more danger than she is, though. He seems to be targeting you for your attention.
Have you read Gift of Fear by Gavin deBecker? It might give you some ideas to help you keep yourself safe.
Take care of yourself. The less that you interact with the spath, the more clearly you will be able to think.
AnnettePK
Thank you. I have faded out of his life…slowly. I did do the boring thing and the excuses not to see him and now it has dwindled down to about 1 text message every other day.
I believe he will get bored and move on but I did try to warn then ex wife and yes I think he told me that to get involved with the drama.
Now that I am not responding to any of his communication I believe he will start working on her again.
I have made my friends and family aware of this situation and am lying low right now.
I will not let this predator run my life anymore. He is true evil.
Yes, the next victims often will have to learn the hard way. BUT…I have to live with myself/my conscience. And when I was assaulted and then ignored pretty much by the police, I took to on line sites to detail my experience. His name was on the Google Alert for some other victims and before I knew it I was being contacted by 8 women. One his own sister. His 8th known ex and I lived within close striking distance yet we were the most outspoken and active at getting the word out . I had already gotten his Realtor license pulled yet he conned away with other schemes. I have no idea what he is up to the past few years but he WAS finally convicted of assault when the ‘victim’ was the cable t.v. man he threatened. I DID speak up. I DID get the word out. I DID do what should have been done in the previous decades of his pathetic life…and he would not have had a real estate sales license, been able to live 55 (at that point) years with decades of violence toward and stealing from women on his resumé, etc., etc. I was his CLIENT briefly when I had my home for sale and was attacked because I had let him put a lock box on my door and then politely refused over phone to date him. He was able to get in easily while I was asleep!
WHY was it that women from across the United States contacted me after my online postings yet had never put any to warn all the victims after each of them? No one warned me! No one prevented him from getting his ‘license to kill’ as a Florida Realtor at that time….he had access to any door with a lock box. (Yes. DO NOT let any sales person put one on your door ever ever.)
Moral of ugly story is I did and do put the word out about him and have certainly at the very least slowed him down. But why didn’t some one warn ME?
What is “Google Alert?”
Yes, please elaborate on Google Alert. How does it work?
Do you just create an alert with their name? My ex has many aliases.
TenTanToes-
You have raised such a valuable point that I particularly relate to as a Licensed Associate Real Estate Broker in NY State! I know of situations in which Real Estate Agents have done awful things in people’s homes, including using their properties to party while the client was away.
To be fair, we are often easy pickin’s for predators as well. We had a spree of attacks here in NYC a few yeas back where thieves came in while open houses were going on.
My best advice to anyone hiring a real estate agent is….. seriously….. check references!! In NY State, an agent’s license is easy to come by. You take a course, you take a test, you get a license. People who are professionals, however, build a track record of successful transactions over a prescribed period of time, and undertake more rigorous training. They advance to a more professional level as an Associate Broker.
I don’t know whether the system works the same in every state, but if I were selling a property, I would sure check that out and hire someone with the more advanced accreditation.
Also. we don’t have the lock box system here in NYC. To me, it’s seems like a robbery just waiting to happen. I wholeheartedly support a customer not allowing a lock box on their property. You are paying the broker to make the sale. The lock box enables them to sit back and let the sale happen without getting their butt off their seat to help you. You want your broker to be at the showing to point out all the wonderful points about your property. Don’t let them get away with putting your property at risk in the process.
At the very least, they should keep your keys at their office and be the gatekeeper over who gets them, and when they are returned.
I know I’ll probably get flack from agents who use this system. Sorry, I think it’s a risky way to do business.
“The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.” Edmund Burke
Very thoughtful answer from Donna. I agree that our first obligation is to attend to our stability and healing. If we reach a place where we know we can ‘handle’ whatever the response is, then reaching out to a new victim (I believe) is a good thing.
I was both warned, and then warned another.
I didn’t heed the warning, but it did ‘plant the seeds of awareness’, that Donna wrote about. I cannot be sure that this helped tip me away from the spath, but I think it could have. Initially, however, I defended him to the nth degree, and it made me more ‘committed’ to him. But as my gut continued to scream at me, I did realize that what I was warned about was happening to me.
I also warned another, and she and I are very good friends now. She got away from him, and went to therapy, and is SO glad that I had the ability and courage to reach out to her. The thing is she was ready, had been feeling really conflicted, and was in the perfect ‘place’. When I approached her she felt validated. The other thing was she never shared with him why she was leaving, never mentioned me to him. I was fortunate. If he had known I’d interfered I might have been confronted. So, it is a risk.
Now, I am completely disconnected from him, and his world. Instead of warning his new victims (I have no idea who they are), I share with anyone even remotely interested what I understand about personality disorders, narcissism, and psychopathy. That way I feel I am continuing to help good people avoid bad ones.
Slim
I was never believed while in the relationship and that was the primary reason why I stayed. My instincts were screaming at me by the 2nd year, that something was not right but my spath was so good at public appearances that everyone thought I was crazy – this caused serious doubt in my mind and slowly eroded any self worth that I had.
If someone from his past or present (there were numerous affairs) had told me what was really happening behind my circle of friends then I would have been able to save myself from the constant confusion and trauma he caused me for 14 years.
I wish with all my heart that someone had had the guts to tell me in the beginning, even if I didn’t want to take their advice, I would have remembered it when I needed it…
I warned the next victim! Not only did she listen, we decided to warn every woman with whom he would come in contact.
I work in shale drilling and it is an industry largely dominated by men. Women are taught to be on guard against the obvious bad men, but this one was different. He was very nice, considerate, educated and well-spoken. He did everything right when it comes to being a gentleman. He pursued me until I agreed to a date. We didn’t get through our second date before he erupted in a rage and struck me on the head (abusers know where to hit where it will not leave a mark.) No proof, my word against his, he was higher up the “food chain” than me, it didn’t happen during working hours, so I decided it was in my best interests to do nothing – just stay away from him.
The next day I was on the top of the pad by myself with one traffic control lady nearby. I drove over and asked her to look out for me. Of course she wanted to know why, and I told her. She then explained that the same man had been pursuing her but she hadn’t said yes yet. She felt there was something about him that was a little “off”.
It soon came to light that he was in hot pursuit of every single woman with whom he came in contact. Together, traffic lady and I warned all of them. We may not all be friends, but we are a small group of fish surrounded by sharks and we look out for each other. Everyone paid attention, and his attempt to collect a harem of victims has been cut off at the knees.
I did not warn the next victim, I was glad she had him and did not want any chance of him coming back into our lives. I wanted to warn the third victim but did not because I put myself and my children first. After their divorce I told her I wanted to warn her and she agreed that she would not have believed me before but we all agreed after. We should form the ex-wives club. He lured in some wonderful women.
I did warn the forth victim who is our daughter. That did not go well, she did not want to know and cut me out of her life, believes his lies and has fallen for his pity ploys. But at least she believed me enough to protect my grand children from him. That was my main reason for doing it, she is an adult now.
I see and adore my grandchildren but there is too much water under the bridge to reconcile with my daughter, she is acting just like him and is either under his spell or has inherited his disorder. I just did what I had to do to take care of myself, my daughter and my grandchildren.
I think it is important to warn the next victim…ONLY if you are in a safe position to do so.
I have pondered why victims do not listen to the warnings. My conclusion is humans are about fact…they need concrete evidence to sway them in the right direction. Just look at a court trial filled with facts. Inherently humans believe others word as fact if the person appears trustworthy, sadly a sociopath is masterful with presenting facts (we now know as lies) right from the second they meet the new victim making them appear to be trustworthy.
In addiction the victim’s thinking is if they do not lie then why would someone else lie?…humans “project” their good traits on to others even on to a sociopath. We typically surround ourselves with good people but the wolfs of the world have figured out if they act their normal selves they would be alone so they put on the sheep’s clothing and blend in….how do they blend in? By mimicking good peoples traits at least in the beginning and when you are about to leave them.
Dont forget the sociopath grooms (love bombs) the victims from the second they meet a potential target. The victim sees the sociopaths as kind, giving, loving, thoughtful because these are the mimic traits that sociopath uses to blend into society…but the sociopath can not keep this fake facade up for very long nor do they want to as it is too much work for them. This love bombing also releases hormones bonding the target victims even more with the sociopath creating “love is blind” hormonal change in them resulting in their thinking that everything is “great” with their new mate little do they know that they are dealing with a sociopath. But the worse part about love bombing is the sociopath is training the victim just like you would train an animal to do tricks. Every time the victim start to see the sociopath drop his mask what does the sociopath do? he love bombs the victim with gifts, manipulative loving words etc to twist the victim back into being controlled and so that the victim does not think that somethings is seriously wrong with the relationship.
Throw in the the fact that the sociopath start a sociopath smear campaign from day one with the victim to discrediting any past victims that might give light to the sociopaths dark side. What was the first thing that your ex stated about any past victim? and how soon into your relationship did he start his smear campaign against his past victim? Guess what he is doing with his new target?
What’s next for the victims from the sociopath? gas lighting abuse, drama filled chaotic days to mentally, emotionally, and physically ware the victims down so that the sociopath can take control of every aspect of the victims life..the victims becomes a walking stepford, zombie, robot person. The sociopath uses brain washing, mind control, reward and punishment etc etc. Why does the sociopath do this? to get their needs meet = sex, money, place to live, etc
But the biggest trick a sociopath does to control the mind of the next victim is uses Pity Play manipulation to manipulate the victim but most importantly to control the victim especially if a past victim comes to them to warn them….The sociopath does not just use Pity Play in the beginning of the relationship but throughout the entire relationship. example the sociopath tells you that the ex was mean, or hurt them emotionally or fill in the blank so the victim believe his word over past victims. THIS Pity Play manipulation seals the deal for why a victim can not see that you are warning them of danger…. sociopath know how to push victim’s “I feel sorry for him/her” button with pity play manipulation this will turn the victims head instantly away from the sociopaths bad behavior or anyone that is warning them…then the sociopath of course will then say “I am sorry”…what do you do when you feel sorry for someone that states they are sorry for their bad behavior = you give them a pass card.
Do you remember how quickly the sociopath sucked you into his web of deception? this is how quickly he has sucked his new victims into his web again. No wonder a victim can not hear the warning words from past victims.
So how do you warn the next victim to open their minds up from all the brain washing and mind control the sociopath has done to them from day one?
You present facts not he did this to me or he did that to me…that is just “he said, she said” to a victim and who is the victim going to believe? the sociopath. why? because the sociopath has control over the victims mind.
So what fact can you provide for the victim to see the light? You send them a anonymous letter stating something to this effect:
“I believe you are dating a sociopath. I am concerned for your safety. Please look at the website Lovefraud. com and be sure to watch all the videos located at the top of the site. In addition read Donna Anderson’s (lovefraud creator) book Love Fraud to educate yourself on the danger you are in. Know that 1 in 25 people mainly men are sociopaths and experts believe that we meet one in passing everyday and that we have one in our circle of friends/family without even know it. Are dating a sociopath?”
Why reinvent the wheel on educating the next victim when Donna Anderson/Lovefraud provides all the details for the new victim to educate herself on who she is dating…directing the victim(s) to the site may not open their mind right away but it will plant a seed and each time the victim is mentally, emotionally, verbally or physically abused the victim WILL think about your anonymous letter and will think about looking at Love fraud. Most importantly it provides FACTS for the victims to escape her abusive relationship and see that they are dating a sociopath.
Clearly, I wish someone had warned me. All they could have done was to send me a note telling me to do a background check. I would have ran the background check and I can tell you that I for sure would not have stayed with this man, and definitely would not have married him! It would have revealed 5 felonies, one that carried a 15 year prison stay (he served 3).
So you can be sure that I will at least warn his future girlfriends of his past. They may not care but they will know the truth!
I did this very thing back in April of this year, looking up his new victim to forewarn her. I had been dating a sociopath who had cheated on me over and over, and lied to get me back in his life every time (his negative bonding was powerful). In March he used a marriage proposal to get me back, with the promise that the other women meant nothing to him, he loved me, and he let me start moving my things into his apartment. Four days after his proposal, he was texting his brokenhearted victim he had just dumped. I contacted her on facebook to forewarn her and told her about this website. She wanted him to call the police on me for stalking her. He called the police the next day and I was arrested for domestic violence. I was put in jail, charged with harassment under Colorado domestic violence laws, had a one-year restraining order put on me, I have to attend monthly probation meetings for one year, have attended 3 court appearances, and I am mandated to attend weekly domestic violence classes (which I have been doing for six months paying $30 per class, and there’s no end in sight – they keep people in these classes forever). I am being victimized by the law who protect this man who is a sociopath, but the law calls him a “victim”.
BEWARE! YOUR SOCIOPATH CAN USE DOMESTIC VIOLENCE LAWS TO RUIN YOUR LIFE, cause you unending misery in the criminal court system, and ruin your reputation with an arrest record that will destroy your ability to get a job. I am devastated in the worst way by a man who professed to love me, proposed marriage, had me start moving in with him and promised faithfulness. And one year earlier he “borrowed” $5,000 from me which he won’t pay back.
Once your sociopath leaves you, DON’T LOOK BACK, not even to help his new victim. This is what I’ve learned.
BewareBeWise, thank you for sharing this story – I’m so sorry this happened to you and I’m sorry to say, it doesn’t surprise me at all.
I had heard my ex rant many times about hiring an attorney to sue this person or that person for “defamation” (for speaking truths). I also had seen hints of obsession with his ex-wife and his reactions when she failed to respond to anything from him, or when she responded appropriately (of course, at the time I believed him that she was mentally unstable). After the final discard, I had a healthy fear that he would take action to further destroy my life if I so much as peeped anything to anyone and he was able to find out.
Our cell phones were on a family plan and the bill went to him and he paid it (he had insisted on this, under the guise of wanting to take on some of the bills to prove how committed he was to me, now I know better). He hid the discard from his family for many months (it was easy since he had me 700 miles away in another state in the house we had purchased together), and finally introduced his daughter to his “new girlfriend”. She confronted him about it, didn’t get a response and she called me. We spoke regularly for a few weeks, until he confronted HER with the records of our calls and asked her why she was contacting me and what the conversations were about. She let me know and that day I turned the phone off and never used it again.
He had also written me several emails that went into detail about my behavior (lies, or reactions he had set me up for) and stating that he felt I had a personality disorder, that he had become fearful of me and that he felt distance was necessary for his own protection, among other things. Both my therapist and my attorney warned me to not respond to these emails, as they felt he was setting me up and anything I might write could be used against me. I had already responded to a couple, of course, admitting fault (as I didn’t yet understand what he was) as I always had, to make things “right” again. This is when I went completely no contact.
If not for that advice, I am pretty sure I would have continued, maybe even come back to try to make things right, and he would have been able to come after me for harassment, stalking, who knows what else.
Your advice is right on target. As normal people, we have no idea what they are capable of until it’s too late and the damage is done. I hope this will soon be in your past.
Doing the morally correct thing is not necessarily doing the practical thing. As my friends have noted “no good deed goes unpunished”. We, as the mighty who have fallen, have arisen as a result of seeing the world “as it is” and not thru rose colored glasses. Living with yourself is important so is “just living”. Be smart. Be aware. As the saying goes, high fences make good neighbors! Regards, Kalina